Stumbled upon this site a few weeks ago and have finally decided to request the assistance of the group. The basic break down is been married to W for 14 years and together almost 17 years. The marriage the last 2 years had become complacent much like most long term marriages. My W went on a cruise the week before Thanksgiving 2016 with her sister and her sisters family. I stayed home with our S13, allowing them to have a so called "sister trip". Needless to say two days into this 4 day trip my W cheated on me with one of her sisters cousins. A man who just happens to be married with 3 children of his own. The remainder of the trip the two kept sneaking around and having sex. Afterwards my W returned back home to TN, while this married man returned to his own family VA. From the moment my wife returned home her behavior had totally changed. Initially I thought nothing of it. But over the next few days, it seemed that she would go out of her way to start arguments with me.
It took another week for me to start to notice that she would be up late at night texting and messaging. Not to mention in the evenings, I would walk into the room while she on the phone. And suddenly she would getup and completely move. Even when talking to mutual friends of ours who apparently she had confessed the cheating on the cruise to. After becoming curious, I found a message on her phone to the AP in question. The message pretty much was her telling him that she had zero regrets about what happened between the two of them. And that she intended to leave this marriage. Regardless if he was still married, she still wanted to [censored] with him, but not at the moment due me becoming more and more curious. Instead of yelling and waking her up. I went through the phone and took pictures of as many text as I could for proof of infidelity.
The next night I confronted her after giving myself time to calm down. And she admitted to cheating on me. W said that who it was with and when wasn't important and wanted a Big D. At the moment she had no clue that I knew who it was already, so I kept that information to myself. Over the next 48 hours, I went through a series of emotions that goes against the 37 rules, which I wish I had known about back in December.
The AP had plans to sneak into town on December 4, but apparently backed out and called off the affair after my W told him that it was to risky. After getting hold of his phone number, I called him telling him to no longer contact my wife or I would make contact with his. He agreed and we left the conversation with that. Three days later, I discover that my W is messaging the AP again. So I decide to contact his W on December 8. Apparently this man is "Serial Cheater" according to his wife who has a habit of sleeping with married women. These women eventually leave their H to be with him, but he never leaves his own W or tends to always return back to her. His W confronts him with some of the evidence I shared with her about the PT. And on December 11 AP calls threatening me about telling his W. I hang up on him initially a couple of times telling him I won't talk with him until he calms down. During this period AP contacts my W telling her that I know his identity and everything else. Fast forward past his yelling AP and myself come to an agreement that he would not contact my W and I wouldn't contact his. AP then told my W not to contact him in any way.
Life was a little rough over the next month and half, W still wanted a Big D. But we were actually starting to become friendly. Also during this time we still have an active SL. But in February AP contacted my W apparently to see how she was doing and to say that things were back on track in his marriage. From what my W tells me they agreed to be friends and have been contacting each other secretly. They act as if its innocent, but I have seen messages of flirting and my W sending sex poetry she has written about him. By this time, I discover the DB site and decide to handle things a bit differently. I had already decided to GAL on my own back in early February, so I was already on the right track in regards to that.
Not sure if it was a mistake or not, but I informed AP W that our spouses were back in contact with each other last week. Told her not to say anything about me telling her. Later that evening, I found out that my W and AP were no longer friends on FB or IG. My W was acting a bit bothered that evening. My guess is that my W is figuring out that when it comes to her AP choosing between her and his W. His W wins every time, while my W is willing to lose everything for "Serial Cheater". Things have been going well, but W still wants a Big D. Part of the issues in our marriage was neglect on both our parts. So the advice to stay away in my opinion would just be the same as usual in her mind. Giving her space has worked, because now she goes out of her way to seek me out. But if I want to show her that I have changed. I seriously need to find away to be more affectionate. There is no issues with her wanting to have sex with me several times a week, but if I want to avoid a Big D, there has to be other forms of PT. Welcoming all advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Two things spring to mind..... Do you really want to be with a wife who has cheated on you, and is only with you now because her lover keeps choosing his wife? And, find a marriage counselor.
Best of luck. Keep posting. It helps.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I am all for forgiving. Minus the last couple of months she has been a good wife, though there have been issues. I believe our problems are communication and complacency. Just need her to want to out the effort in as well. She told me that she believes this issues can be fix, but doesn't want to bother. Claim to ILYBNILWY. But prior to the cruise we were planning our 15 year anniversary and she was telling me she lived me. Came back from the cruise a different person. That's when I started to learn about Affair Fogs. This guy is clearly no good according to his own W. But yet my wife can't see the obvious. The list for the AP seems to be blocking the efforts on my part. To a coworker who works in mental health section at my job says it sounds as if she having a mid life crisis. W33 was married to me at 19 and mother at 20. He claim this is the exact time a woman her age and life experience would be going through this. Which is why I am trying to be patient and hoping this would blow over.
Tread...the affair is the symptom of the issues within your marriage. Since your W is unwilling to put much effort into the relationship, it will be up to you to lead the way.
You said neglect is/was part of the problem in your marriage. Can you provide us with more information on the other parts of the problems? Then we might be better equipped to help.
Have you read DR? The links Cadet has provided?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Romance and sex was at an all-time low last year. I was going through a slight depression last year and didn't even realize it. My W was having periods that would stop for a day and continue on for weeks at a time. Which put a stop to sex for the most part. The issue there stopped right before ahe went on that cruise. Apparently my wife feels that I stopped trying to get to know her. But after almost 17 years together, I know everuthing about her. The AP is basically just learning things that I already know. So I believe the excitement is about having somebody new to tell everything about herself to. Communication was bad on her part, because she told friends things that she was upset with me about, but never bothered to tell me until now. So I have made the changes and W has said that she has noticed. But there seems to be something holding her back, which I believe is the AP making false promises I assume.
Also, do you feel since you believed that you knew everything about your W, did you become complacent? We all get comfortable and put our efforts in cruise control.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
When finding out about the affair, I kind of just snapped out if the depression. It wasn't a big thing. I just was going through the routine of the day. I was functioning, but the relationship was being ignored. I've been talking with a counselor. My issues were based on nit being were I want to be career wise. Complacency was my biggest issue and why the marriage took a wrong turn. We were never the type to get into shouting matches. I believe our problems have simple solutions. It s just getting W to go along.
I am all for forgiving. Minus the last couple of months she has been a good wife, though there have been issues. I believe our problems are communication and complacency. Just need her to want to out the effort in as well. She told me that she believes this issues can be fix, but doesn't want to bother. Claim to ILYBNILWY. But prior to the cruise we were planning our 15 year anniversary and she was telling me she lived me. Came back from the cruise a different person. That's when I started to learn about Affair Fogs. This guy is clearly no good according to his own W. But yet my wife can't see the obvious. The list for the AP seems to be blocking the efforts on my part. To a coworker who works in mental health section at my job says it sounds as if she having a mid life crisis. W33 was married to me at 19 and mother at 20. He claim this is the exact time a woman her age and life experience would be going through this. Which is why I am trying to be patient and hoping this would blow over.
Hello Tread,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
I'm glad you said you are trying to be patient. Being hopeful is great too, although waiting for this to blow over isn't going to get your marriage moving in a more positive direction.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
