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Originally Posted By: Thornton
East and Ginger - thanks for your posts.

I will certainly keep looking. I know I will need to force myself. I am an introvert and it takes me a while to warm up to people. So walking into a room of strangers and introducing myself is currently outside my comfort zone. I know I will need to challenge this mindset in order for me to grow.


That soccer thing I went to? It took me ten minutes to even say "hi" to someone. smile I said about 40 words in the hour I was there. Was still totally worth it.


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East, Thanks. I'm gonna have to force myself eventually.

Journaling (Be forewarned there will be lots of whining. I just need to get my thoughts typed out)...

Feeling anxious today and having a hard time getting the sick feeling in my stomach to go away. Nothing has changed in my sitch and I feel like I'm just counting down the days until W leaves for another state. I can't stand feeling so raw and exposed.

I've done a really good job of "acting as if" evertthing is fine when I'm around W but I have a battle happening in my heart and my mind.

I'm trying to calm my mind and not obsess but it is hard to manage.

I'm starting to feel that I am looking for reasons to dislike W. If I can think of enough bad things about her, maybe it will lesson the pain. I've got her so high up on that pedestal, that it makes it hard to remember all the times she was a jerk or wasn't there for me.

I'm realizing that my codependance on our relationship has me feeling like she "owes" me something for all the times I've been there for her. I feel like she robbed me (I know this is not a healthy emotion) because it feels like she used me up and then threw me away.

The fact that things happened so quickly really messes with my head. She went from jumping up and down when we learned we were under contract for our new home (after searching for several months) to having an argument, to her leaving me, all within a few weeks.

I felt we were so close to the next chapter in our lives. It's what we had worked towards for so long. We were within reach of our goal and dreams. For that to go up in a puff of smoke, kills me.

W has a history of doing this in the past. Why do I sugarcoat it like it would never happen again if we could just talk things out and move forward?

The loneliness is what really gets me. Being alone with my obsessive thoughts is enough to make anyone crazy. But I continue to put on this fake smile and get up each day and go to work. But inside, I'm devestated (again).

I love her and I hate her for doing this. I'm so upset what this will do to step-daughter. W even promised SD that when we got back together last time, that she wasn't going to leave me again. SD was so happy when W told her that.

I'm trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.

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And now you can swing those 2 x 4's..

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Originally Posted By: Thornton
The fact that things happened so quickly really messes with my head. She went from jumping up and down when we learned we were under contract for our new home (after searching for several months) to having an argument, to her leaving me, all within a few weeks.

I felt we were so close to the next chapter in our lives. It's what we had worked towards for so long. We were within reach of our goal and dreams. For that to go up in a puff of smoke, kills me.


Same here. In January, we finally settled on not selling our home at this point as we've been flip flopping for a while. We did so because we've got just a few more years before both kids in High School. Let's focus on paying off debt, plan out this, plan out that... nevermind, I'm miserable and I'm out, PEACE!!

Such a wrench in the plans, right??? Totally understand the swings and you know this is all part of it. Breathe in the good air and out the bad.

Whatchya got going on for the weekend? Let's turn the attention to some good stuff so we're not stuck wallowing. You got to vent it on the board now let's turn our attention elsewhere.

Hang in there.


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13
Reconcile: 07/07/13
Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17
Apartment Life: 04/21/17
PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
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Thanks, Tryin. It's all script, eh?

Went to the gym last night and had a good workout and then went home. WAW was helping her daughter with homework and clearly avoiding me. She's been really snippy with D lately too, I don't understand why.

An hour later, I could hear her in her room crying. It took everything in me to not try to comfort her (I'm a fixer). I can't stand to see her in pain and to think I would probably be rejected if I offered her a hug.

As for me, I'm still struggling but managing to make it through the day. After work, Im gonna get my haircut and then rent a few movies I've been wanting to see.

Tomorrow I'll hit the gym in the morning and then get my oil changed in my Jeep, and then the plan is to buy some new clothes. I always feel good when I'm wearing some new clothes. Oh and I want some new cologne too.

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So lately it seems a as if W might be second guessing herself. She's been crying. I started to have a sliver of hope but just now I overheard her tell my mom that she needs to start packing soon.

I'm so hurt right now. For her to throw this all away is devastating for me.

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I know you don't need this advice, T, but DETACH.

Is this a head game? Why is she telling your mom about leaving so much, and why is it always when you can hear it?

You've knocked her off the pedestal. You KNOW and ACCEPT the negatives. You KNOW you can do this, that you don't NEED her, even if you may still WANT her. You can't control this, you can only control you.

If she changes her mind, if she wants you back, she needs to WORK for it. To make changes in herself, too. To make you believe there isn't going to be a round four. To make you believe she is not going to put you through this again. Enough to make YOU believe you want her, too.

Hang in there. You've GOT this.


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What has to happen for you not to be listening at her doorknob pinning your entire hopes for the future on her every move?

You were a supporter when I first joined nearly 3 years ago. I wrote a post once about fear of abandonment. What I learned is that the reason I was so afraid is that I had abandoned myself. I had denied my own emotions, was tremendously self critical, and sought to find approval from others outside of myself. When I married XW I turned to her for all of my validation. Then, when she couldn't do enough to fill the hole within me, I became depressed, and started trying to control her behavior to get what I thought I needed from her.

I have learned this wasn't her job. It was mine. I can't abandon myself and then hold someone else accountable. So I learned to take care of myself. When what I felt I needed more than anything in the world was for XW to tell me I was good enough, instead I would turn to myself and acknowledge to myself that I was good enough. If I craved emotional validation, I would validate myself. Bottom line, I would meet my needs myself instead of expecting this other person who was obviously not capable of caring for me to do so. As a result I suffered less and became much less attached. And it's a good thing too, because you've read these posts long enough to know you don't want all of your eggs in one basket.

That's why GAL is important- to find other people and other ways to help meet your emotional needs. Like you I am an introvert. Frankly I don't want to meet other people. I enjoy playing chess online, reading a good book, etc. That is fine with me. Of course I have my kids half the time, my mom lives with me, and I have a best friend I talk to daily, so I'm not totally isolated. But I don't feel the need to join meet up groups. But the main point is that I am there for myself and I can enjoy my own time. I am not looking for anyone else outside of me to approve of me or validate me.

So while GAL might make sense, my top recommendation is to list everything you wish your WAW would do for you, then think of ways to do it for yourself. When you feel you need her, when you feel abandoned, tell yourself you're there for yourself now, and you won't ever abandon yourself again. Be the caretaker for yourself you wish she was. Take care of yourself.

As for her shinanigans, she's an addict that is chasing what society has promised is the greener grass she's entitled to, and I hope your plan A isn't to put all your eggs in the basket of her suddenly seeing the light and coming to your emotional rescue. If it is you have to assume responsibility for the failure of that plan, not her, because that's a choice you're making.

Hang in.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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You hit the nail on the head, Zeus.

This is such an engrained behavior/belief system for me. I do have very short bursts of clarity where I realize I'm strong enough to make it on my own. And that I might even be better off without W and her issues that she's never been willing to address or work on.

But those fleeting thoughts are short lived at best. Watching W walk away is like watching a part of me walking away, leaving me a shell of myself.

^^this scares the hell out of me.

I've suppose I've never developed the ability to soothe myself. I'd almost always stuff my feelings or run from them. Denial is a coping mechanism for me.

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Well, just had a big R talk.

W saw me typing on my phone, I was writing my previous post on this board.

She then quickly left the room and I could tell she was crying. She texted me from her room asking if I was already talking to someone else.

So... I walked into her room and told her no I'm not talking to anyone else and that her leaving was the last thing I wanted. She cried some more and said that I Broke her heart and she looks at me differently now. That the love is gone. I told her that 2 arguments in 10 months was not worth throwing our family away. She replied that she doesn't trust us anymore. I told her I respected her decision to leave but I didn't agree with it. I apologized again for the part I played in this but told her I couldn't change the past. She told me she didn't trust love anymore and just wanted to be alone with her daughter. This is exactly what she said the last 2 times and I reminded her of it.

She said this time it's different. I said "you said that the last 2 times".

I probably ruined any chance of repairing our R by having that R talk but I needed to say something. Now she knows exactly how I feel. That's all I can do.

I hate this.

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