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yes!


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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skm0619 Offline OP
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Not too much going on here....just working and trying to get all the small details on the house taken care of so it is ready for showings. I'm ready to take this step and hopefully I will be able to sell it quickly. My H is sad that I am selling the house. He seems to have more of an emotional attachment to it then I do, which I find odd. He has been gone from this house for 16 months, and now he is having second thoughts of letting it go??

That brings me to something that has been on my mind lately....

I have had minimal communication with my H for the past 16 months. Since he started to open up to me about a month ago, the conversations have become more frequent. He continues to show me a side of him that I never thought I would ever see. He is being honest and open about his emotions. Early on in this journey I would have given anything and would have loved to have had all this time with him. I would have loved to speak to him daily, and hear all about his life. Funny how things change.

Now that I am selling the house, we have been communicating almost daily, and have seen each other quite a few times recently, Now I find myself having expectations of him, and of course setting myself up for disappointment.

I guess for so long I got used to not seeing or speaking to him, or having expectations because I knew he would disappoint me. Now I have come to a place where I was starting to accept that this was how things were going to be....this was my reality. I was making choices for me and moving forward in my life. Now that we are communicating so much, I am having a hard time dealing with it. It is bringing up feelings that I thought I had put away.

All of this time spent together, all of this communicating, is causing me to become more emotional. I am wanting to discuss our R, or lack thereof, when honestly I really don't want to discuss it. I am asking him questions that I really don't want to know the answer to. I am putting pressure on him to speak about things he is doesn't want to talk about. Why am I doing this???

I am beginning to think that maybe the best thing for me is to not have communication with him. I feel like I was doing so much better when we were not speaking. I feel like I am moving backwards instead of forward frown

What do I do????

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If you feel that your conversations are taking you backwards versus forwards, then maybe you might consider reducing the number of conversations that you are having w/him. You can be civil and return one or two calls and if he asks why you didn't answer/return his calls, you can always say that you've been busy...which you have been.

From what you've posted, he reminds me of someone traveling down memory lane and is reflecting back on his life and the home he had w/you.

Your h senses you are pulling away and creating a new life w/o him in it. They have excellent sensory skills and when they sense that we are pulling away, they tend to step up their game to pull us back in. Unless your conversations are about finances and selling the home, try to minimize those conversations.

At the end of the day, only you can decide what is right for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job....

I managed to have a discussion with H about how all of this communication was not good for me. I told him that I felt it was 2 steps forward and 100 back (maybe not that many, but you understand). He said he was sorry that he continues to hurt me, and that is the last thing he wants to do. He said he wants me to be happy and if that means no communication with him then he understand. I hung up the phone and said I'll talk to you later, which is how I usually end conversations with him, and his response was "yes you will." Not really sure what that meant?

We didn't speak for a day and a half, which was okay with me. When he did call I found myself not wanting to answer the phone. He is coming over a lot more to help with getting things taken care of for the house. His love language is "acts of service" so I understand that he wants/needs to do all these things to help. But, is that to show me he does still love me and have feelings for me, or does he feel an obligation to help with selling the house, or is it guilt for what he has done and how he has treated me....not sure.

I called him that night to tell him that I didn't feel like it was good for me to have all this communication with him, his response took me a bit by surprise. He told me that he wanted me to know that during all of this time we have been separated that it hasn't been easy for him. He has had many low days, and his life hasn't been all happy and fun times like I think it is. He even said he hates to say it, but he thinks he might be depressed......ya think??

He came over again last evening to change some things out that I could not reach. We did not talk at all about how either one of us was feeling, no R conversations. We managed to work together on some things, and did not have any uncomfortable moments. It actually was a good evening. I think neither one of us felt any pressure....which was a change, a good change.

I am still moving forward with my life, but I felt myself falling backwards and that scared me. I dont want to make him feel bad for coming over, or make him feel guilty in anyway. If he wasn't around to help me with these jobs I don't honestly know how some of them would get done. I showed him some of the places I have looked at to move into, and I think he was sad to see that I am moving on, and was jealous (his words) of the area I was moving to.

Every time he leaves I find him lingering, almost like he doesn't want to leave. Maybe that is just me wanting to see that, or maybe he is wanting me to ask him to stay. I honestly don't know. He has started to hug me before he leaves, which is a new thing. He is the one who initiates the contact, and I must say that it is nice smile

So, I continue to push forward. I was reading a post that a poster named Raine put up yesterday, and it really made me think. She said:

I feel like I wasted so many years of my life during all of this, just worrying and hoping and thinking about how it's going to end. Don't do that. Step away from it and find the joy in your journey right now. Because this truly is a gift.
You're really going to like the person that you become on the other side of all of this. That's who you are saving. When you wake up from this life transition, you're going to realize that what you really want, what makes you happy, is not the same thing you're hoping for right now. And that's a really good thing.


I hope one day that I can feel that everything I have been through has been a gift smile

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skm0619 Offline OP
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Something else that I forgot to mention....

When I was on my 6 week time off from work/journey to find myself and figure out what I was going to do with my life, I would hear a song on the radio multiple times a day. Whenever I would hear it, it would make me think about H. I almost felt like I was supposed to be hearing this song and the words behind it. I don't know, maybe I felt like the universe was trying to tell me something.

I haven't heard the song in quite a while. Well, last night while H and I are doing some work, the song came on the radio. I remember standing there and saying out loud "you have got to be kidding me" ....... all I could think was is this the universe trying to tell me something.

Its called "Unsteady" by X Ambassadors

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

Mama, come here
Approach, appear
Daddy, I'm alone
'Cause this house don't feel like home

If you love me, don't let go
If you love me, don't let go

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

Mother, I know
That you're tired of being alone
Dad, I know you're trying
To fight when you feel like flying

But if you love me, don't let go
If you love me, don't let go

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

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Originally Posted By: skm0619

"you have got to be kidding me" ....... all I could think was is this the universe trying to tell me something.



I know what you mean about songs or certain other things happening at just the right time. I think that at times God gives us a 2x4 upside the head to either get us back on the right path or to let us know that we are suppose to keep following his lead.

This week I keep hearing the same song and getting thrown the same scripture. The song is "Even If" by MercyMe and the scripture is Romans 8:28. I will leave it up to you to look them up, but I know that you won't be disappointed. He gives us what we need at just the right times.

Stay strong my friend and take it one day at a time!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Skm - I have a love/hate feeling when I hear that song
It is such a sad song. It makes me tear up everytime I hear it.

Thank you for posting that passafe from Raine's post. It is a nice reminder for me of where I should be heading.

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Skm, how's it going? You seem to be on the right path. I know it's so hard. I agree that if all these interactions are hurtful, then pull back a bit. Maybe you are in a new stage of grief as well? You seem more calm.

You seem to have let go of some of the anger and are accepting he's gone. That's hard but it's also progress. I'm not sure I ever reached that point honestly.

Maybe he will come around at some point--he certainly does seem confused and has regrets--but you are doing the right thing by moving forward. You are going to be just fine.

It also sends a message that he can't expect you to wait!

Please keep us posted. Hope this week is better for you.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Haven't posted for a while, so I thought I would catch up on things. This is a long one wink

Blu......thanks for the comments. I have been more calm recently, which is new for me. I do still have moments where I feel the anger building up, but those are a lot less then usual. Not sure if I have finally learned to let some thing go, but I do feel better about how I am handling things.

Things here are moving along. Still working quite a bit. The house is officially on the market, so now I just hope I can find someone who wants to buy it smile

Relationship with H is hard to describe these days. Like I had mentioned previously, we had been spending a lot of time together because of the house, and that was becoming difficult for me. I did mention that to him and he said he understood.

He called a few days later and asked if I wanted to have dinner before coming to the house to finish up the jobs before officially listing it. We were having small talk about his life of course, and something came over me and I just laid it all out there. I asked him if he had any desire to want to work on our M, and did he see himself being with me moving forward? His answer was "I dont know" ...... so for me there was the answer to my question. He continued to sit there in silence, something he does very well. I told him that the only reason we have been spending time together was because of the house, otherwise there wouldn't be any reason for us to see or speak to each other. I asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me that he wanted a divorce or he wanted to stay together.......he couldn't do either. I then suggested to him that he file for D, and that we end all of this because clearly it is not working for me. He of course stayed silent. I stood up and walked to my car. He followed me and THEN he started talking?!?!?! crazy

He said he doesn't know why he continues to be silent when I speak to him about subjects he doesn't want to talk about. He reverts back to when his dad would yell at him and he would shut down. He said he wasn't prepared for the conversation so he was taken off guard. There was a lot more in the conversation, but some things he said stood out to me.

- he said he doesn't think I should rush to make a decision like that
- if my heart and head aren't thinking the same thing then I shouldn't decide
- he asked me if I wanted him out of my life
- he still has guilt, shame and regret
- he feels like I don't believe him when he answers questions
- he doesn't understand why I asked him questions about the A (haven't done that in a while)

There were many other things but I can not remember all of them.

I told him he needed to go home. He lingered in my car but then finally reached over to hug me. I asked him why he hugs me and he said it is a way for him to show some emotion, and is a way for him to show me that he cares. He said he thinks about me several times a day......not sure in what capacity.

The next day was the beginning of 3 long days for him. He is involved in something called Landmark Education.........they describe themselves as "a personal, professional growth and development company that enables people to produce extraordinary results and enhance the quality of their lives." He has been to one forum already and this was the beginning of the second phase. This has allowed him to open up emotionally, and he has become more in touch with his feelings, how he has behaved etc. BUT......honestly I am a bit skeptical of this because after attending the first forum he now speaks differently, and he has even said it is hard for him to communicate with me because the language they speak in Landmark is different then how I communicate? There is controversy surrounding this company, but I am trying not to let that influence me because it has definitely helped H.

He called me on a break during the second day to tell me he had been working through some things and just wanted to talk to me and to share and to let me know. The third day he called again and said he had a bit of a breakthrough and realized some things about our marriage and how he acted at times. He brought up an example of when he was a child and during a situation with his parents he felt rejected and not needed, and he now realized that this had an impact on him as an adult. He always wanted me to NEED him but I would tell him I don't need you, I WANT you, and for me that was better. For him it was the opposite, he needed me to need him.

He then proceeded to ask me if I would be interested in attending an introductory forum with him and said because "I want you to live the best life I know you can live".......this caught me off guard. I told him that I felt like it was a sales pitch and that I didn't appreciate him saying that I needed to change my life, and the only way I could do that was by attending the Landmark forum. He was upset by my response. He then said we communicate differently and we "speak a different language" and that he is learning a new language from this forum and it might make it difficult for us to communicate because of that. WTF????? confused

I don't want to go to the introductory meeting. I don't want to be made to feel like I need to change my way of thinking in order to accommodate him. Why can't we continue to work on ourselves separately and not be made to feel that if I don't attend that we can't/won't be able to communicate because of our differences?

So needless to say I am a bit confused by all of this from him. I hope that I am not making something out of nothing. Did I respond to harshly to him? Was I justified in my response? I really don't know.

What is upsetting to me is that I finally told him that I was done with all of this, wanted him to file for divorce and for us to move on separately and then he throws all of this at me.

Talk about being confused!!!!! frown confused crazy

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I agree with you that's confusing. I won't go either to that introductory meeting, he is trying to influence you in a very twisted way to attend it.

You didn't respond harshly to him, you just stated your own opinion which you are entitled to. You can suggest him to to go to MC instead where you feel it might be more productive. Don't let him to drag you back in his emotional mess, you were finally able to get out of it.

In my opinion (that's only an opinion), he noticed that's you are really detached and ready to move on without him and he has lost his "power" on you. When the LBS is not the pursuer anymore, usually the WH feels that he lost something, somehow you might be his security blanket, without you who can he blame for his unhappiness anymore and to whom he can go back if he discovers later on that the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence.

I am very proud of you, your emotional transformation in regard of that situation has been amazing since December.

Big hugs to a very special strong woman.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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