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Nee, my H's mother is literally crazy. He never had anything to do with her during our marriage. Once he left I could tell from the phone bill they communicated often. She doesn't like me. She made that clear from day one. She was waiting for this and no doubt reveling in it. Their family is very dysfunctional. Divorce everywhere. Lots of cheating and addiction issues.

You are correct about survival mode. Kids need love and stability. When the other person can't give it (and is indeed making it worse by the moment) there is nothing you can do but find your inner calm and focus on them. I always knew I would be OK without him. He has been emotionally absent for 7 years so our lives are not altogether different now.

I don't think you should move. I think you should unpack, settle in, and let him make the efforts to get you out if that is what he wants. Detach completely and work on you. You have a lot of stuff to work on. Get a job and save money for when you do have to move. You don't have to know this stuff now. You really don't. What you do have to do is make a life for yourself.

I often think of my H as dead, it makes things easier for me and it directs me to make a life that does not involve him in any way.

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Originally Posted By: Nee

I'm just ranting this morning and not focused whatsoever on what I need to do in the way of my living situation. I guess that's what you all have been saying to me every chance you get. I DON'T KNOW what I want. Why do I have to know????


Nee,
You ask "why do I have to know" and I answer by asking you this: How in the heck do you think you're going to get what you want if you don't know what that is?

Ok, you don't know what you want. That is a place to start. So instead of packing why don't you take that energy and try to sit quietly and wait for the answers so you will eventually know what it is you want???

Why do you have to tell him anything? Nee, this isn't about him at all. This is about YOU.

Job outlined something for me very early on and I wrote it on a post it and kept it on my monitor at work so I would have a constant reminder. Here it is:

1. Don't rush the process
2. Only plan one week out
3. Do something physical - go for a walk, swim, yoga, whatever floats your boat, but do something physical once a day
4. When you are unsure, DO NOTHING
5. Sit quietly and wait for the answers.

This is the best advice I can give you. I'll add one more thing: DETACH. DETACH. DETACH. as Kml posts to me to this day when I need it: Drop the rope or be dragged.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I hear what you're saying, bttrfly. One thing I have noticed about myself is that I'm packing my stuff up without emotions anymore. I'm worried about that. This feeling of starting anew is not something I ever thought would come about. I use to think tha I could just pack my stuff up and think of it as cleaning out my cabinets. I clean them thoroughly (it had to be done anyway) and then I can just put the stuff back in a clean cabinet if we reconcile. Is that stupid? Again, I don't know what message that is sending my husband so I may be setting myself up for failure. I do that often.

How do you feel about doing your pros and cons in a MLC situation. I've done that all life and that's when I know what to do. But, there's obviously more to weigh in when analyzing my life while dealing with a S in MLC. What do you think about he pros and cons thing in general?

About your sitch, do you think it would be possible that having that lousy set of cards could have been a blessing in disguise? I feel like my options are too many to be decisive on any one particular thing. You had to do what was best for your son, so there it is. Done. I don't have anyone to look after but myself and that's never served me well in the decision making department. I say that you mom's have it so much worse because you have your kids and have to see what they are going through. But, you also have to find strength in order to do what's best for them instead of just concentrating on yourself. I'm sure the lesser of two evils is my sitch since I don't have to see any kids be affected but having too many options is not good for me. I get way too overwhelmed when I have to be decisive. I know...I know..I need to go to counseling. I DON'T feel like it!!

I've been in therapy my entire life due to my horrific childhood and it's all the same. They make you talk about your problems without giving me any real skill sets to deal with what I'm going through at the time. They only want to make a dollar as much as they can by making you come to as many sessions as possible without receiving any real help. It was the same with my Congnittive Behavioral therapist. I literally had to blurt out "Can you just help me by telling me what to do??" It was only then that she gave me a few exercises so I can drive on highways again or go over bridges. They helped me tremendously but not before I had to ask and not before I dropped $600 beforehand yapping about nothing really constructive. Don't you ever feel like that sometimes during your sessions?

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I will rue the day when I screw up again! Lol. It's all relative..:)

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Own it, I don't think I really want to reconcile with my H. I don't think I have it in me to forgive the things he's done to me. I really don't . I think if I start unpacking that he will automatically think that I'm not going anywhere and I fear that is sending the wrong message.

The fact that I'm leaning towards starting a new life for myself doesn't mean that I'm fully prepared to do so at this time. I guess I can keept things as they are and try to hang out as long as possible until I am prepared to leave. Maybe just take things as they come and try to keep my emotions under way. My thoughts on ever reconciling with him is that how would I ever know if I'm willing to do it if he's never going to be remorseful? Everyday gets easier for me to accept this so the moving out thing is based on that.

As far as getting a job, I don't think I can be productive well enough to perform at the pace any company may need me to. I get overwhelmed very easily. It'a part of my bipolar and anxiety disorder. I've been on meds for a long time and probably need to be re-evaluated but I don't want to do that either. I don't want to do anything more than I have to bc as soon as I do, I go into a frenzy of uncontrolled dispair. I have worked some during tax season for a friend at my own pace and that was helpful but that's over now. I doubt any company will allow me the time I need to collect myself the way I need to from time to time. I've done it before and it doesn't work well. I'm not saying that I'm giving up hope on finding work but I'm sure not very optimist about it. I will try to do better in thinking of myself first. It's hard. Thank you for your advice!!

Bttrfly, I'll try to keep things as calm as possible and do the other things that you suggest. I've definitely only been planning one week out as I don't have the fortitude to do much else. I'm not sure if it's depression or just the unknowing of what's to come. I've always been in control in every aspect of my life, so this is a huge adjustment for me. I know most women are like that but I'm saying I was in control of EVERYTHING. It wasn't a good thing and I know that now. It doesn't make it that much easier though. I'll try to sit quietly and do nothing but that's VERY difficult for me to do. So very difficult. I'll also try doing more physical activity on a daily basis. We'll see how I do this week!!! Thank you for your advice!!!

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Bttrfly,

I think I was insensitive to you in my last post. I know how hard you've struggled with your spouse in MLC. I know that you found strength in your son but I also know that you have been down many days. I guess I just see you as strong more than anything else. Your Zen-like manner is something that I admire. You are compassionate, too. Much more than I am. I know you probably want to cuss your husband out at times, but you don't. I don't cuss at my H anymore but I don't show him compassion like I did before finding out about OW. I'm mad. I'm hurt. I'm devastated. I don't fully know how to deal with those emotions when it comes to that sort of betrayal. I'm probably more mad at myself for snooping in order to find out about OW. I read so many people on here that have found out about OP and thought...not my H. He would NEVER do such a thing. I have to get my emotions under control before they destroy me.

Anyway, I'm truly sorry for undermining the pain you've experienced throughout your journey. I know the hurt was there, regardless of having to be strong for your son. Again, I'm truly sorry.

Xx, Nee

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Hi Nee, I didn't feel that you undermined my pain. Funny thing, now that I'm on the other side of this with exh, I really don't seem to pay too much attention to what other people say most of the time, or take things as personally as I once did.

Having a child does make things a bit clearer in some ways, but then it complicates things in others. I needed to make sure that the decisions I made for my boy also worked for me too, as I would be the one left here when son went off to college. My son was 15 1/2 when exh walked out. I had to make decisions that worked for both of us, and also would preserve as much for the family in case exh came back. I remember that being a motivator in the beginning until I really came to terms with the fact that my marriage as I knew it was dead and gone. If exh came back, whatever we would create together would be something brand new.

It's difficult for people who have been in relationships a long time to understand that concept that there ISN'T one any longer. I remember saying to my exh pretty much immediately after BD there used to be a team Bttrfly and exh, now there is only a team Bttrfly and a Team exh. There's also a team Son, and we'd better both be on that, but in terms of each other, forget it - that's over.

And it really is, Nee. THat's why it is imperative that you detach as much as you can and spend however long you need to figuring out exactly what it is you want before you take definitive action.

xo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Ok, I think I understand what you're saying, Bttrfly. My marriage to H is dead and gone. I shouldn't expect the connection we once had. He's actually said that in frustration.."It's never going to be like it use to be.'" He said that in the middle of a R talk and he was upset that it was a realistic statement that he was making. I didn't believe it at the time. I thought if he would just come out of the tunnel at some point, he would want to reconnect and become one with me again. I HAVE seen that happen on here. I suppose it could have been because the LBS did detach thoroughly in order for the MLC'er to come back around and out of the fog. I don't recall all the reconciliation discussions but I do remember that I was hoping this would happen for me and my H.

Good grief...this is exhausting and so much out of my hands. I'm totally going to give this to God. I'm a Christian and feel I have lost my faith. I'm visiting with a good Christian friend in our beautiful North Carolina mountains right now and I want to enjoy my visit. I'm hoping she will pray heavily with me. Right now, I can't get my H to answer my text to let me know he's with our dog and find out if he has any questions. It's been so long since he's had him to himself and I feel like I've left this poor dog to a stranger. I hope he's just being a jerk and not responding because he actually is a jerk. I don't want to believe I've left our dog to someone so unwell to where he could be careless with him. i don't think I'll be able to do this again for quite some time.

I like what you said to H right after BD. I like how you knew right away that your marriage was no longer going to be a marriage. I wish I had the foresight that you had so early on. It shows your strength to your exh right off the bat. Good on ya!

May I ask what was the BD in your sitch? I've read most of your sitch starting at the end. I've not had the chance to fully read to the beginning, I'm just curious but understand if you don't want to discuss it.

Xx, Ne

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Nee:

Responding to your post on my thread. I wish I knew what to tell you. It seems that you have a great deal of conflict about whether to remain in the marriage. At times you seem almost certain about ending it, at others you seem very hurt but wanting it to work out. I don't think that is unusual, this is a difficult time for the LBS as well.

Yes, my H was very abusive to me for the last three years of our marriage. About my weight, my looks, watching TV, drinking Diet Coke, screwing the top on bottles, which restaurant I picked, what the kids did or didn't do, etc. Pretty much anything I did or touched or thought about was wrong and it was his duty to humiliate me about it. I finally got smart. I set down a boundary. Beginning in December I made it clear to him that I would no longer engage with him. Every time he becomes unpleasant I let him know that I will not tolerate the behavior or words and then I tell him that I am done talking to him until the behavior improves. I think he gets now that I am not going to fight with him, I will not respond to his attempts to start a fight, and that I prefer to keep topics on business and business only.

The mental movies are difficult. I think it takes detachment and time to make them go away. I don't think the counselor has helped me as much as reading the stories on this site. Some go back years and years. Some resulted in reconciliations, more in divorce. In general, the people who really DB seem far more content with their outcome than those who do not. You also have to remember, as hard as it is, that this is not about the OW. The percentage of otherwise happy men who are seduced by harlots looking for love has to be very minor. These women are symptoms of the breakdown of the marriage or the individual involved.

I always thought it was the lies more than the OW that did the real harm to the relationship. So many times he literally tried to make me think I was crazy to cover up his actions. What kind of person would do that?

There is only one way out of your situation. You must let him go. You must stop hoping that he will come back. You must build your own life. If you cannot work in an office, find a different kind of job. If you can't work how will you support yourself and move out. That is what, in my humble opinion, that you should be focusing on. How will you take care of Nee? I love 25's question--pretend he

died, who would you be, what would you be doing, how would you support yourself. Start living that life right now.

Maybe he will come back. Maybe he won't. Maybe he will come back and you will be so strong and courageous and beautiful that you will not want to be with someone who abuses you or speaks to you in a hateful way.

If he were dead:

1. Where would you be living?
2. How would you be paying for it?
3. What people would be in your life?
4. How would you be spending your days?
5. What activities would you be pursuing?

Start that stuff now!

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Originally Posted By: Nee
Ok, I think I understand what you're saying, Bttrfly. My marriage to H is dead and gone. I shouldn't expect the connection we once had. He's actually said that in frustration.."It's never going to be like it use to be.'" He said that in the middle of a R talk and he was upset that it was a realistic statement that he was making. I didn't believe it at the time. I thought if he would just come out of the tunnel at some point, he would want to reconnect and become one with me again. I HAVE seen that happen on here. I suppose it could have been because the LBS did detach thoroughly in order for the MLC'er to come back around and out of the fog. I don't recall all the reconciliation discussions but I do remember that I was hoping this would happen for me and my H.


What you need to accept is that MLC is a long, drawn out process. The MLCer is on a journey. The LBS is on a separate journey. Sometimes, at the end of the MLCers journey, there is a re-connection. Often, the LBS has moved so far ahead of where the MLCer is that they cannot reconcile. Each MLCer is different, although their scripts are usually quite similar - what they say to the LBS to justify their behavior. At the core is generally depression and unresolved childhood issues.

Quote:

Good grief...this is exhausting and so much out of my hands. I'm totally going to give this to God. I'm a Christian and feel I have lost my faith. I'm visiting with a good Christian friend in our beautiful North Carolina mountains right now and I want to enjoy my visit. I'm hoping she will pray heavily with me.


YES. Turn it over and KEEP turning it over.


Quote:
Right now, I can't get my H to answer my text to let me know he's with our dog and find out if he has any questions. It's been so long since he's had him to himself and I feel like I've left this poor dog to a stranger. I hope he's just being a jerk and not responding because he actually is a jerk. I don't want to believe I've left our dog to someone so unwell to where he could be careless with him. i don't think I'll be able to do this again for quite some time.


You may either take the dog with you or opt for someone else's help in the future.

Quote:

I like what you said to H right after BD. I like how you knew right away that your marriage was no longer going to be a marriage. I wish I had the foresight that you had so early on. It shows your strength to your exh right off the bat. Good on ya!


I did not know that my marriage was over. I hoped desperately that we could fix it. We'd been together for more than half our lives. We had a family. There wasn't anything that was a deal breaker here, even my DB Coach thought so, as we were still very connected. What was very clear immediately was that I was the enemy as far as my husband was concerned.

Quote:

May I ask what was the BD in your sitch? I've read most of your sitch starting at the end. I've not had the chance to fully read to the beginning, I'm just curious but understand if you don't want to discuss it.


I don't want to go back there in this conversation Nee, as I don't think it's relevant. Everyone has a different situation. For my own sake, I need to stop looking backwards, as I'm not going in that direction.

Focus on yourself and your dog and ask for Divine guidance. The answers will come in God's time.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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