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#2739305 04/17/17 06:42 PM
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Hello all,

First time posting a new thread so bare with me..I'm a talker. Plus, this all started 15 months ago, so I have a LOT to share.

I'm married with my husband of 17 years as of the this Friday, 4/22. He left January 23, 2016 (my birthday...Thanks dude!) He told me the day before that he was going to leave but we've had many fights in the past when the same thing was said. It just never happened. He took me out to dinner with some of my family on my b'day and I thought things had smoothed over. On the way home, I asked him what time he was leaving for work and when he'd be home, and he said "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back ." I got angry and told him to go the he!! ON. He actually packed that night and left. Admittingly, I gave him every reason to leave. But, he also gave me every reason to behave badly enough to where he would want to leave. I know that I'm in control of my own actions. Y'all taught me well. BUT, I spent years of being neglected and verbally bashed, but I still held on in the hopes that things would change.

I knew I was married to a man with no work ethic, an addictiction problem and quick temper. I also have the same traits. We are SO much alike that I'm surprised that we lasted this long! BUT, the ONE thing that we BOTH understood about our relationship/marriage was that it was never going to be a situation where either of us was involved with someone else. I asked him if there was someone else he was seeing and he said "Do you really think there has to be another woman for me to leave?" In other words, he didn't answer the question. I knew there was but I didn't know who it was. I begged and pleaded for a month for him to come home and he was just begging me to leave him alone. We talked every day for 17 years, so why was I not going to do it when he left?? I know now that was all wrong. I also spewed hate for those first 3 months, until I got on here. Thank the Lord for you folks! I knew something was wrong when H didn't want hardly anything to do with his dogs. We have no children and he loves his dogs more than anything. He wasn't even asking about the dogs. Y'all know the drill so I'll not elaborate on that anymore.

After I got on here, I started to take advice from others and started being more understanding and did NOT go searching for the other woman. I would start to search and stop myself. Probably because I didn't want to know; for a while. I think I started looking intensely when I started to read about going Dark. Besides, I was never going to believe my H would do such a thing, right? Part of me wishes I could smack whomever it was who said not to look for the OP bc I think if I had gotten a handle on it sooner, the GAL process would have started sooner. Still, I don't blame anyone who was trying to save me from myself. All the hard work that I had put into being the "better person" went all to he!! In a hand basket. I had already put up with SO much from this man over the years and this past 15 months have been like a living nightmare over and over.

I was really GAL for the months that I didn't know about OW but I was still waiting anxiously on him to come around and out of the tunnel. I found out this past December, so it's all kinda sank in and the hurt is a lot less than when I found out the truth. I found out by checking his phone bill, of course. I called her and asked how she knew my H and she said that she used to work with him. She's 28 years old. He's 46 and so am I. I found out that she quit her job and has started working with a competitor. He's now unhappy where he's working so he'll probably go to work for the same company. Shocker..NOT. Anyway, I asked her if she was romantically involved with H and she said "I think you should talk to H about this." Duh. I didn't confront her except to say that I did ask him and he denies it. I was extremely nice to her because I STILL did not want to believe what was happening. I was just chatting it up with her as if she was a new buddy of mine! She was telling me about her dog and how she lived so close to where they worked...blah..blah..blah. It ended pretty decent and I thanked her for time and wished her well. It wasn't until later that I put 2 and 2 together. She obviously had no idea that my H had told me he was staying with a guy from work who lived approximately 2 mins from his office and what kind of dog he had. Same distance...same kind of dog. Ding ding ding...She's the one!! I went on a rampage like few have seen via text. It's been downhill ever since then.

He did finally move home with his mom after I talked with her. She apparently didn't know all that had been discussed between me and my H. I had been going to all his family affairs and texting with him daily. That's what makes me sick...I was so fooled for so long by someone I thought would NEVER do that to me. We had our problems but this was never going to be one of them. I did try to forgive him somewhat but then I would just spew hate when he didn't respond right away to my texts or didn't react the way I thought he should. I don't know how to be any other way, but, the way I am. I've been surviving this life more than living it, so going into survival mode is pretty much the only way I know to deal with trauma. I suck at DB'ing. Period.

Anyway, after all the initial shock wore off, I started to be more willing to do the validation thing and going dim or dark, which ever I felt I needed to do at the time. I would do so good and the second he didn't do something that I thought should be done or I thought he was lying, I went back to saying something that would ruin everything. I finally said 'WTF' the other day and decided to confront him face to face about everything with the OW. I knew the only way I would get the truth was to confront him this way. Well, it worked. He flipped out and blurted out the truth, along with several other cruel things. He left quickly and started texting me saying that he didn't like to be interrogated that way and completely retracted everything he said. He text saying the only reason he said it was true (that he was living with her) was because I was relentless in bringing it up over and over. My response was "Whatever" and I left it at that.

Now, he was suppose to get together a financial agreement for me to hang my hat on if I got my own place so he could move back home, rather than stay with his mom. It's his mom's place so it's not really right for me to stay here, even though I've lived her for 15 yrs. We both have. He's been putting off the agreement since Feb but I only recently started bugging him about it until he couldn't put it off any longer. He kept wanting to know why it had to be on paper bc he was giving me what we agreeed to without it. I know he's scared that I'm going to file for a divorce. I also know that he still loves me. Yes, I love him, too. That doesn't mean that I know we should be married for one more second. I don't think I have the strength to wait this out. I know me...I'll get my own place and put him out of my mind to where i won't even think about saving our marriage. I problem for me right now is that I don't remember the good parts of this man that I married. There's been so much damage that I don't think I can get passed. I'm so ready to move on and that's why I was forcing him to think that I was ready to move on. He!!, I've tried everything else. Today, he dropped off the agreement by putting it in the mailbox. He's being all sweet saying "if there's something in there that I don't agree with, he'll change it". Well thank God for small favors! I don't even want to look at the agreement. I know it will make me sad and then I'll start to remember the good points in this man I married. But when I say there's been too much damage, I mean there's been TOO MUCH DAMAGE. I'm sure I'll tell it all at some point and probably should now, but. I'm not ready to go there, yet.

So, my question is: What do I do now? I have this agreement in my mailbox that I urged him to do but don't even have the courage to look at and I'm packing up my stuff that I don't want to do, either. Why am I so indecisive about moving on? I know he's just manipulating me right now by being nice to see if he still has emotional leverage with me. Why couldn't I just appreciate the times that he was showing progress but would still screw up sometimes. I don't like being manipulated or lied to. No one does, right? But why can't I find some grace that I long for? Do I hold out a little longer to see if this agreement has made him slightly come out of the fog...or, do I move out and forget that this marriage even happened. That's what will happen when I leave. Once I'm gone, I'm gone. I won't look back. That's just how I am. I think that's why I'm scared to leave...?

HELP. Everyone is more than welcome to chime in. You all have been so helpful to me as it is just by reading your journies. I can use any advice you wise folks are willing to give.

Thank you in advance,
Nee

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Nee,

You did it! You made your own thread!

Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Nee,

Maybe I missed something...but why are you the one moving out?

Get the agreement out of the mailbox and put it on a shelf for today. Nothing says you have to look at it until you are ready. However, at some point, you'll need to review it and mark it up and give him your responses. As for holding out, I don't think he's going to change his mind at the moment...it's too soon in MLC land.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Job,

I guess the reason I have to move out is because he's told me to so many times out of anger. It's his mom's condo so I feel that I'm not welcome since he's having to stay with her or other places throughout our city. The OW is where he was last year and I'm sure he still goes there on occasion. Maybe I don't want him there but I'm sure he'll see her if he wants to no matter where his residence is at the time.

I keep screwing up, Job. He was acting like he wanted to reconcile 6 months after he left and said he wanted to move home. I agreed. He backed out and decided to stay with him mom. It hurt. I didn't really believe him when he said he was going to his mom's every night. I saw him making huge strides and he even once said.."I'm hoping this will eventually make us a stronger couple." I obviously liked that comment but he soon went to being a jerk on occasion when it came to little things. Maybe he was having OW withdrawals but I didn't know that was a thing till much later. The second he didn't stay with me a night that i wanted him to, I flipped out and brought up OW. He immidiently went straight back into serious replay mode. It was like a switch went off. I know, I was warned not to do that but my resentment is overwhelming sometimes. I'm hurt. I'm devastated. I'm defeated. I guess I feel like I'm unable to handle this kind of betrayed without hearing him say "I'm sorry" or show remorse.

It's so difficult for me to see the emptiness in his eyes. I saw my old husband's eyes for that short time before I flipped out and it went right back to empty eyes or even wild eyes. After that day, it got so much worse. The anger resurfaced in him and I gave it as good as I got it. Since then, we've gone back and forth between the blame game and slight improvements. The improvements are bashed by my hurt feelings of him not showing remorse for what he's done, so I start in with my "you did this or how could you...etc" Why can't I accept these small gifts of him thawing out for a bit and let his inappropriate comments roll off my back?

Now that I've insisted on him doing a financial agreement, I guess I need to follow though. He doesn't believe me anymore that I'll leave because I've threatened so many times. Everything seems like a joke by my continuous last ditch efforts to have him come around again. I don't know what to do now. Part of me needs to leave but I know if I do, I'm done. That's just who I am. I've already lost everything regarding my life with him, so it's not a huge stretch for me to feel this way. On the other hand, I long for my 'real' husband to surface.

Did I miss out on the opportunity with my husband that time he was showing real progress and I messed it all up? Is it over? I'm lost, Job, Am I too late or can I come through this with grace and forgiveness? I just don't know anymore.

Nee

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Nee, the mighty Job will come along and answer you. In the meantime I want to tell you how sorry I am that you are in this situation and how lost you seem to feel about it. Stop blaming yourself for what you did yesterday. That is done. You can't change it. Focus on now. Work on your detachment and GAL. Give him space. If he wants a divorce or separation or agreement, make him do it. Stop trying to give him something you don't want. If you have a job, save your money for when you do have to move. If you don't, get one and save your money and make friends and have something else to think about. All of this takes time and patience. You will drive yourself insane if you keep going at this pace.

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Hi Nee,
Congrats on figuring out how to make a thread. Keep posting. OwnIt has given you some VERY sound advice.

Keep posting and try your best not to react. Refresh my memory have you read Divorce Remedy?

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Originally Posted By: Nee

Did I miss out on the opportunity with my husband that time he was showing real progress and I messed it all up?
Is it over?
I'm lost, Job,
Am I too late or can I come through this with grace and forgiveness?

Short answer - uhm NO its never too late to get started DB'ing


Me-70, D37,S36
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Cadet is absolutely correct...it's never too late to beging DBing. However, I want to state that DBing is not just to help you save your married, but it is also a tool to help save you in the process. It's a tool that you can use anywhere at any time.

Now, let's get you back on your feet, dust you off and help you continue walking the path. The past is gone and you can't go back and do a redo. The present is a gift because it's the here and now and you can be the best you can be and the future, well...it's not ours to predict.

If you don't want a divorce, then don't help him any more than necessary. If you state you are going to do something, then follow thru because if you don't, he'll know it's just a threat tactic. Save as much money as you can and squirrel the funds away in a safe place. Watch those credit card accounts and any joint account that you hold together. I would suggest that you remove your name from those joint accounts because your h may begin spending money like it's going out of style.

The last thing I want to say...breathe! Continue posting and know that someone is always here. Come here to vent, scream, laugh and share. If you aren't sure of something, come here and let the posters help you decide whether the action, etc., is the right one to take.

Take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Get an attorney. Get an attorney. Get an attorney.

Do NOT agree to ANYTHING financially until you see an attorney and find out what your rights are.

This doesn't mean you have to file for divorce, but you MUST protect your financial interests and you need the advice of an attorney to do that properly. This part is all business, don't mix it up in the emotional stuff. And BTW? No WAS on here EVER came back because the LBS was a pushover and gave up their financial due in a divorce. Never. So protect your rights and interests.

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Originally Posted By: Nee
Did I miss out on the opportunity with my husband that time he was showing real progress and I messed it all up? Is it over? I'm lost, Job, Am I too late or can I come through this with grace and forgiveness? I just don't know anymore.


Hello Nee,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!

Don't beat yourself up regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.

Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable with the right support and tools.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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