hello everyone I am new in the community and although i wish I wasn't here I am glad I found this site.
I guess the title of my post says it all, I would like some imput on my WW affair and your opinion on whether you would think this is a Exit Affair or a midlife affair... or may be both?
I started to notice a strange behaviour from my wife back in September summer 2016 such as contraceptive pill which I was not aware she was taking sexy lingerie unusual working shift and so on. I confronted her in September and she denied, needless to say i put my head in the sand however these thoughts kept coming back to my head as she started becoming more and more distant we kept arguing and I kept blaming of having an affair of which she kept denying but I could see the lie in her eyes. as the fights escalated i started threatening separation at which one day she answered me yes please go. that one day i wrote an email explaining her that I loved her but felt more like a flatmate then a husband and did not feel loved. she replied me that my e mail was touchy but made her hungry and started blaming me for all the bad in our relationship she also wrote the mythical YLYBINILWY. she said she needed a week to think about our future and will reply again.
during that one week we fought a lot and one day before reply was due I saw the stress in our kids (girl 9yrs boy 3yrs old)so I told her it would have been healthier for me to leave immediately.
She did not mind at all. I left that same (4th November 2016) day and crashed on a friend sofa for 2 weeks b4 finding a studio flat near kids School.
during early months of separation she talked about divorce at which I was offended for the speed at which she wanted to file however I could also feel her changing her mind using excuses such as money. at the time divorce would have been amicable as I did not concentrate on the affair as through anger and blame I truly believed the separation was all my fault. during the next week her behaviour changed daily from we should be friend to i hate you is all your fault back to sweeter text messages (cake eating?)
I started looking into midlife crisis theory out of this unusual pattern and the 6 stages and when I look back at her behaviour 1 year prior to bomb drop and I started believing that it could be a MLC. when I met my wife she was 23 and she used to DJ, stopped when we met, shes now 41 and 1 year ago bought a DJ machine and speakers (expensive one) she started dressing younger and looking for a new job being not happy with the treatment she received in her old job.
After separation i kept looking for signs of affair as I was now sure that was actually happening while we were still together.
4 months after some lousy excuse for me to look after the kids extra days at weekend I decided to look into her e mail as I knew something was fishy. As I thought I found an airbnb reservation for 2 to Lisbon and a boarding pass sent to her by her AP, at this point I also had AP name.
Challenged her but insisted it was after the separation. I could not take the lies no more hence I asked her divorce, she insisted she would file so I would not have to pay but not done yet.
I started playing my cards and tell her that I would file as I want the divorce on basis of adultery she would still deny affair. through a few mind tricks (to long to explain) i got her to slowly tell me the truth. at first she claimed only kissing before separation but in the end I told her that i knew more then she thought and had to tell me truth, I figured out she wouldn't write me the truth as it would be incriminating hence i invited her to tell me all over a drink yesterday.
I think It is not 100% of the truth but she admitted PA since September, now I forgot to mention my WW is 41 OM is 24. They are in love. she cried a lot yesterday and it looked as she was genuinely ashamed with herself and remorseful for the pain inflicted to me. this morning she brought kids she could not look in my face.
when I discovered the trip to Lisbon 2 months ago she says she care for me but was not happy, she is in love with OM and she thought about age gap but she is happy and even if it is only for short terms at least she is happy for a while. Any thought?
BTW she also seem to be spending more money then I think she can afford.
Last edited by job; 04/17/1703:03 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M43 WW 41 OM 24 M 17 T 19 D 9 S 3 BD 04 -11-16 I left home same day PA confirmed -16-17 on going since September 2016 D FINAL 19-04-08
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm sorry you are here. I think everyone wonders the same thing but really only time will tell. Listen to Job on detaching being the most important (and difficult) thing you will do. Focus on you and the kids. If it is MLC it is a long haul.
Do you have the Div Busting book or Divorce Remedy book?
We need back ground info, the length of marriage, ages, ages of your kids, other events that you think are related to this
and what you think your wife would say about the marriage IF SHE WERE HERE...
and what, of those things, might be valid?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
we have been married for 17 years together for 19. she is 41 I am 43 2 kids girl 9 boy 3.
Our marriage was far from perfect specially after the boy was born thing got a little tough financially and physically tired.
As for other events, I must say she's been a good mum and committed wife until December 2015 when she started showing signs of detachment from me and the kids, according to her affair started summer 2016 so that is not the reason unless she still lies on length of affair.
When 2nd child was born she was extremely attached to him breastfed him till he was 1 year old and I started getting frustrated for luck of sex and intimacy. I believe part of the reason she blew into this is a freedom needed after over doing as a mum.
She change the reasons for our separation constantly, ILYBINILWY, We were 2 little kids (her AP is 24 year old), you never helped me (bear in mind I cook, wash dishes, look after kids on both days off by myself and still do, I mop the floor do washing up and so on as much as she does, although she is more proactive at preparing kids in the morning and school runs) she says she has not been happy for 10 years but surely that is not true then she says she hasn't been happy since boy was born.
I think the sex starved marriage apply to our problems ( she lacked intimacy and sex will and i grew angry) but if you ask her this is all my fault, she even said that to my little girl in early days of separation.
other signs that leads me to think about MLC are the money she spends.
I do not think she is happy and fulfilled in life even though she claim to be in love with AP.
she seems a completely different person she play cool her sleeping patterns have changed (I know from my little girl.
Although not so much now, she can be aggressive and make me sound like a monster in the marriage.
Of course the age gap between her 41 and OM 24 it is a big sign to me considering they want to build a serious relationship together.
She used to spend hours in front of mirror complaining about her weight and getting older ( shes actually beautiful and not weight problem whatsoever) in the last year, but that could be just the pressure of having a young lover, as I said she claims EA started summer 2016 became PA September 2016 but that could be a lie too.
She says a lot of lies nowadays which is totally out of character but then I guess every WS do.
M43 WW 41 OM 24 M 17 T 19 D 9 S 3 BD 04 -11-16 I left home same day PA confirmed -16-17 on going since September 2016 D FINAL 19-04-08
It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. When you say your marriage was far from perfect, what other issues did you have in your marriage?
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable with the right support and tools.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I have convinced my WAW to write a statement of admission of adultery. I am convinced she is having a MLC and to be honest I don't know if I really want the divorce or not.
Truth is I cannot deal with her affair with a 24yrs old man, I don't know if I can ever recover from that even if she will come back.
We are physically separated since last November and she claim she is in love with OM.
Now I am driving divorce car it seems, although it was her to call it over 6 months ago( at the time I suspected affair but not confirmed yet)
So should I serve divorce or what?
M43 WW 41 OM 24 M 17 T 19 D 9 S 3 BD 04 -11-16 I left home same day PA confirmed -16-17 on going since September 2016 D FINAL 19-04-08
Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. I have merged your two threads together.
Last edited by job; 04/25/1707:58 AM. Reason: Merged threads
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
When I moved out affair was not confirmed. ILBINILWY and we were 2 little kids as a side dish was the reason she left me. I guess she chose OM for now but I can see confusion in her eyes and words.
She made me believe at that time that it was all my fault and I believed it as I was in a weak mind. No way I can move back. Affair still ongoing. Bear in mind AP is 25yrs old.
M43 WW 41 OM 24 M 17 T 19 D 9 S 3 BD 04 -11-16 I left home same day PA confirmed -16-17 on going since September 2016 D FINAL 19-04-08
I understand Cadet I would do with your wise advice though right now. In U.K. If you file a divorce before 2 years of separation you will have to have a reason that shows reconciliation is out of question. Hence if she files I would have to accept unreasonable behaviour towards me.
Now our marriage was not perfect and needed work but that is something for which I take 50% of the blame.
Now taking the divorce upon unreasonable behaviour from my side I feel would be a further blow for me.
I love this woman and if my theory of her having a MLC is right I think I would take her back if she makes it out of the tunnel.
I find it so frustrating the fact that I cannot do nothing.
I will try to waste time on filing in the hope she won't before but as I understand MLC is a long haul
M43 WW 41 OM 24 M 17 T 19 D 9 S 3 BD 04 -11-16 I left home same day PA confirmed -16-17 on going since September 2016 D FINAL 19-04-08
In U.K. If you file a divorce before 2 years of separation you will have to have a reason that shows reconciliation is out of question. Hence if she files I would have to accept unreasonable behaviour towards me.
Not quite. She has to cite your unreasonable behavior which you can contest.
Quote:
I find it so frustrating the fact that I cannot do nothing.
Sometimes doing nothing is doing something.
Hang in there.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
LH19 I can't move back because I do not pay the bills. Is a rented house. I pay child maintenance as of UK laws.
When we separated although I sensed the affair I had not real proves. I found out later on as I kept looking for it.
She only admitted 2 weeks ago. When I first found out the existence of this young man she insisted it was after separation.
I managed to make her admit it by playing some mind games as I knew she was confused. I am not proud of having done this but I felt it was my right to know the truth.
I am also worried that she would bring this guy to my kids.
The age gap between OM and my WAW is more than the age gap between my little girl and him.
M43 WW 41 OM 24 M 17 T 19 D 9 S 3 BD 04 -11-16 I left home same day PA confirmed -16-17 on going since September 2016 D FINAL 19-04-08
NDY actually thanks for dropping in. I know I can contest but here the idea is to do everything as cheap as possible using online services as our economic situation is really serious. No savings no assets. Nothing but 2 kids to look after. She's so fogged that she can't even see that my studio flat is totally unsuitable for the kids. That is all I can afford for now.
Trying to rebuild but it will take time.
M43 WW 41 OM 24 M 17 T 19 D 9 S 3 BD 04 -11-16 I left home same day PA confirmed -16-17 on going since September 2016 D FINAL 19-04-08
I love this woman and if my theory of her having a MLC is right I think I would take her back if she makes it out of the tunnel.
You answered your own question.
Originally Posted By: strdays
I understand MLC is a long haul
Standing is NOT STILL. You need to keep moving forward for YOU.
Read up on Admiral Stockdale a POW in Vietnam
Originally Posted By: Stockdale
"I never lost faith in the end of the story," he said, when I asked him. "I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade." I didn't say anything for many minutes, and we continued the slow walk toward the faculty club, Stockdale limping and arc-swinging his stiff leg that had never fully recovered from repeated torture. Finally, after about a hundred meters of silence, I asked, "Who didn't make it out?"
"Oh, that's easy," he said. "The optimists."
"The optimists? I don't understand," I said, now completely confused, given what he'd said a hundred meters earlier.
"The optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."
Another long pause, and more walking. Then he turned to me and said, "This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end – which you can never afford to lose – with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
NDY actually thanks for dropping in. I know I can contest but here the idea is to do everything as cheap as possible using online services as our economic situation is really serious. No savings no assets. Nothing but 2 kids to look after. She's so fogged that she can't even see that my studio flat is totally unsuitable for the kids. That is all I can afford for now.
Trying to rebuild but it will take time.
Hi mate. I'm also in the UK so I'm in similar territory. The bold bit above? That's only for a non contested divorce which your WW can't ask for until the 2 years of separation are up or after 1 year if you agree to the D. If she wants a D before that then it is a contested divorce which is expensive not just for you but for her as well. Not sure if either your WW or you would be eligible for legal aid or not. Perhaps worth checking that out.
On a side note it doesn't matter if her PA started before or after your 'separation'. You are still married and she is still having an A. You could divorce her tomorrow on those grounds and the court would immediately grant you a D. I know that's not your objective here but worth bearing in mind.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
First I'm not a lawyer so take everything I say with a pinch of salt and get proper legal advice. Most Lawyers will give you a 30 minute consultancy free before you instruct one. It's a good idea to do this even though you don't want to D. Ok so here's my understanding of how this works.
If you want to D after 1 year of separation then you either
a) Both agree to irretrievable break down of the marriage (which of course you don't agree as she's not even giving it a chance)
b) Adultery.
c) Unreasonable behavior which one spouse has to cite against the other. Not so easy to do and there are plenty of examples on the web if you do a quick google. I think you'll be in the clear with that one.
After 2 years of separation things change and she can ask for a divorce based on irretrievable break down of the marriage without your consent.
The only reason for D that I know of that's quicker than a year is adultery. And you would need to D her.
It's sad but necessary that you need to think about these things. In all honesty mate when you hear the ILYBNILWY speech in my experience it means the A has been going on a lot longer than she'll ever admit to. The fact that the OM is younger just fits the script I'm afraid. Have you read Sandi2's rules yet? The one that always sticks in my mind is believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do. Useful advice.
Peace
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Do you have a link to sandy2 rules. I know the one about believe none of what they say.....
I must admit I am quite confident due to some happening that affair became physical on 27 July 2016.
Go to newcomers thread. Sandi's 37 rules is the 4th sticky down from the top. TBH you should read everything she posts. She's a very wise woman.
One thing I've also learned the hard way is to trust your gut. So if you think the A became physical in July 2016 then you are probably right. I had a similar gut instinct in the summer of 2014 but talked myself out of it. Boy how I wish now I'd trusted what my instincts were telling me. But alas I didn't and now I'm D'd.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
