Eyes on the next curve

[SBJ]

Thanks for the kind words on my thread...We will get where we need to be, but we have to take things one day at a time, let go and let God do alot of the heavy lifting.

[Bird]

Heard something serendipitous during my run this afternoon, will be adding it to my Dealing with MLC playlist.

I'll love you for my whole life through
I can't stand to see you sad
I can't bear to hear you cry
If you can't tell me what you need
All I can do is wonder why
Someday, someway aw
Someday, someway, yeah yeah
Someday, someway
Maybe I'll understand you

From Someday someway by Marshall Crenshaw

In other odd events, I had a dream about H last night. I have not dreamt about him in the 6 months since this happened. In the dream, I got out of bed during the night for a drink of water. I came back to bed and there he was, asleep in his pajamas right where he'd always be. I climbed back in bed, he put his arm around me and we went back to sleep. How is that for a brain craving a return to normal? Still trying to get it to accept the new normal. Someday, someway...

[Gordie]

Bird, just wanted to say don't feel guilty about the finances. He broke up the m and there's less for all around. It stinks for all. Enjoy the beautiful weather. And that dream? Yeah, I keep dreaming my w will call off the d and work on the m.

[FightOn]

Gordie ^^ nailed it! Please don't spend one more minute feeling bad about your H's financial situation. He put all of this in motion. This is a consequence to his actions. If he wants this D, then he will have to accept that if it happens, it will change things in every way for him.

Sometimes I think they are so enmeshed in their fantasy of what life will be like, they fail to really think about the consequences of their actions.

[Bird]

Happy Easter to all. I hope you're all able to enjoy the holiday with minimal discomfort from MLC spouse and the choices they've made.

Today reminds me of this past Christmas. So unlike the ways I've celebrated the holiday in the past. Did Easter baskets with the girls and then off to church without H which was the first time that has happened since 1998. Got pretty ready during one of the responsive prayers talking about God bringing his loyal followers to hope from dispair. Came home and H picked up the kids to take to his parents' for Easter dinner 2 hours away so I won't see them until later tonight. I had a peanut butter egg and a xanax and took a 3 hour nap. My various family all had plans of their own today so no Easter dinner here. Thinking about ramen noodles. I looked at tiny hams yesterday att he grocery store but it seemed to ridiculous to make Easter dinner for one.

In other news contributing to my sad mood, today is the anniversary of the first time H kissed me, 4/16/97. I still remember where we were and what I was wearing. I knew right then it was the start of something amazing, and it was for about 18 years. I doubt that the date has even registered in his mind. Well, off to work on the house some more so we can sell it.

I used to love these big family holidays but I think I'd like to just take a pass on them until my life is back on track again. They're too painful to experience right now.

[Coly23]

Bird, so sorry today has been painful for you. It's very unfair that you didn't want this in the first place but here you are on your own.

This is my first Easter without H as well and yesterday I was spinning like mad but luckily I had lots of things organised for the rest of the time so I've been able to put the sitch out of my mind.

Next Easter will be better we have to hope for that. Happy Easter (((Bird))).

[SBJ]

Bird, haven't heard from you in a while. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

As with you, yesterday was the anniversary of the day I met the OM. Yours was a positive and mine a negative, but we can only go forward. Yours should stand as a wonderful memory for you to hang onto. This batchitcrazy behavior that they are dishing out is a symptom of their condition. I know it hurts...trust me I do, but hang onto the good that you had, because at the moment he doesn't remember it. I read on here from someone else, that should they ever return, you will be the only way of him ever remembering what his past truly was like...or something to that effect.

Don't forget, you are never alone...

7 for we walk by faith, not by sight. - 2 Corinthians 5:7New American Bible (Revised Edition) (NABRE)

[Bird]

I guess it's time for an update.

H and I got our updated agreements in the mail from the atty this past Saturday. He dropped them off signed on Monday night. I signed and put them in the mail to her this week. I've decided to go ahead and let her proceed with the dissolution. It's just a piece of paper and I'm tired of the whole game. I'm tired of the lying and the cheating, and I'm ready to just move on and let him make his mistakes.

He's been at the house pretty much daily for the last week working on things to get it ready to list. We should have it on the market by next Friday. Hoping it will sell quickly so that I can find a new place for the girls and I and start fresh.

I don't know, maybe it's the spring weather. I'm just ready to make my own happiness and stop being dragged down by his unhappiness. It's been a year of emotional rollercoasters, preztleing, bewilderment and too many tears. I love him, but I love myself more. I'd like to find someone who deserves me, because at this point, he really doesn't.

D12 cut up her arm again, but thankfully told the therapist in her session on Monday and told me on Wednesday. I took her for a fresh haircut Wednesday night and allowed her to make an appointment to dye it blue. You only live once.

Hope everyone else is doing okay and finding your strength in this crazy mess. We all deserve better than what we've gotten from our spouses.

[Coly23]

Hi Bird

First of all I'm so sorry for D12. Bless her, this is such an tough age for them but it's good that she is opening up and not beng too secretive about it. I. Worry about my D16 with this being the second break up for me. I feel like I have let her down and worry that she might go off the rails.

Please forgive my ignorance but is dissolution the same as divorce and why would it be a dissolution?

You sound like you are in a good place Bird. Getting to that stage when we don't twist ourselves into knots is refreshing. I feel like I have felt this way for so long I can't remember a time when I didn't feel anxiety.

Blue hair, sounds like just the thing for your D12. Oh to be young again and be able to pull off a look like that! Take care Bird. X

[Bird]

Hi Coly,

Thanks for your kind words.

I think dissolution is a fancy legalese word for divorce. In my state, the heavy lifting & negotiating is done for the separation agreement. That's custody, support, alimony - everything has already been negotiated and agreed upon by H and I. Once the separation agreement is in place for 12 months, your lawyer files the divorce papers and that's it. But there is a relatively new "no fault" condition here, where you attest that the marriage has been irretrievably broken for 6 months. So rather than tie myself in knots for yet another year, I'm going to go with that option. Once the separation agreement has been filed, I will have my atty serve him with the divorce summons and that will be it. If he wakes up and I'm still around, maybe we can work on it. But I'm not going to waste the rest of my relatively young life waiting on a maybe.