On Higher Ground

[HaWho]

Link to my last thread:


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2738959&page=1

Thanks Job for the reminder to start a new thread. One does lose track even years into this...

[Sotto]

Hi HaWho, thanks for your kind post on my thread...I am always in awe of your calm and forebearance - truly I am not sure I could do it.

Interesting to read that poem from your H. I think MLCers act on emotion in that moment. And so he sent the poem, then he felt differently (and a little cross and embarrassed) after that..but it was illuminating I think.

Yes, I would sit back and go with the flow on the family visits. As for the music, is it sometimes best to encourage self-reflection in these instances perhaps??

Have a lovely weekend xx

[HaWho]

Thanks Sotto. The above means a lot coming for you.

So Easter was nice. I made breakfast and then walked the dog w/the kids. In the afternoon h and I took the boys out for lunch. It was peaceful. But there is such an emptiness to h. I wish I could take some bellows and puff life into him.

In the morning, h called his family to wish them a happy holiday and he had the boys call, too. I am pretty sure that is new from last year. And two years ago this time he was out of his mind confused. He wasn't calling anyone. He was barricaded in his room and living in pure darkness.

I forgot to give s13 lunch money this morning. I asked h if he could bring it over. He said no, he was too far away and wouldn't make it. I think he just didn't feel like it. I was further away (assuming h was not lying about his location) and I drove it to s. H said a should learn his lesson and go without lunch. I ignored his message. I assume this is from his childhood playbook of dysfunction.

But, how sad is it that I just shrug off the possibility that he was lying about where he was? Surreal.

Anyway, this is the 2nd time all year s forgot so it's a blip not a norm. So, what would he learn from starving at school? Don't make a mistake, I suppose. There is so much good in s13. He is naturally very helpful and kind. I could never make him go without food!

When I came home h was PA. I am assuming he asked s and found out I drove s the money. I was making dinner and asked h if he wanted his heated up or just as a cold salad. His PA answer? I had that for lunch. EXACTLY what he used to say pre-BD.

In actuality, though he had fish for lunch and I made fish for dinner they were two different kinds and I politely told him so. Pre BD, I would have fussed over it: "oh, I am sorry! Can I make you something else?" Now? I wrapped it up and put it in the fridge and didn't think about it at all.

My food isn't good enough? Oh well!

S13 went to a friend's house over the weekend and came back upset. He just really noticed that h does not communicate with me. S said it is so different from other homes. It wrenched my heart.

I listened but said little. I questioned if I am doing the right thing for my kids. D is hard, too. I almost said h is going through something and I am trying to support him as best I can. In the end, not sure a 13 year old would care to hear that. Someday he might understand but today? He just wants a normal family.

I just feel sad that I didn't t make a better choice for my kids' sake. I know it's not my fault but I did choose this person.

[Kyh]

Hi Hawho, glad to read you had a good Easter. Thanks for stopping by w/your words of encouragement. I'm sorry your S was upset, It's good he came to you instead of keeping it in. It's so hard when someone else is hurting them and we can't stop it.

Try not to feel bad about your choice. I've had those thoughts to but remind myself MLC W is not who I chose.

[Coly23]

HaWho, I think you are so brave to put up with so much. it's a shame your H doesn't see the impact his behaviour has on his whole family but I guess that's the alien that has taken over!

As for not wanting to give S13 his lunch money. I would understand teaching him a lesson if he did it all the time, however still, I would be like you and hate knowing my child has to go hungry to prove a point.

[bttrfly]

no honey you didn't choose THIS person. You chose someone who morphed into this person.

I struggle with this, but lately (thank you IC) I've been reminded of what we had before all this MLC mishegoss, so now I'm going to remind you ... yes, the seeds were there but they could just as easily have never sprouted.

I know .. the boys are getting older and they are noticing more. I wonder what the message was and now is for my son too. All we can do Ha is be consistent and in alignment with our true selves and let that shine for our children as well as everyone else. Maybe that is the true lighthouse.

{{{{{HaWho}}}}}

[roist]

yoYes those bellows would be a good invention. Haha. The flat empty version of H demonstrates that he is not well. Seeing that he isn't well must help support the situation.

It is good to be able to realise that he is acting better than previously. If you are like me over time we learned to be able to support much more than previously conceivable and simultaneously tightened up on what we tolerate. You are stronger and I am sure H realises he will not get away with anything and everything. Over time do not underestimate that influence on him. It is good that he has shown small improvement. Every step in the right direction counts.

Why assume that he lied? Regardless it is a pity you don't have backup in team HaWho. I hope you were able to shrug it off as easily as you say and not have his nonsense affect you. The ability to not let stuff affect you is a powerful aly.

Fish twice in the one day. I have to agree with H on this one. Ah no. Haha only joking you are right to not cater for his whims and bravo for not dwelling on it afterwards. That's the way to go.

I really feel for you about your son. It is something I ponder on at times. Your situation is not a perfect role model for how M and families should be. That is undeniable and it is sad. BUT I do not believe that you made a bad choice for your kids. If you kicked him out two years ago and divorced, I am sure they would have experienced worse turmoil. At this stage you have gained over two and a half years.Why do I say gained? Because if ye split now or in the future your sons are that much older and will handle it better. Plus they have seen that H is off. That will be beneficial when/if you ever sit them down to discuss why you stayed and what happened.

You are a good mother and you are right to ponder how this is affecting them. But your H is making progress and is spending some quality time with them. Mire than before. Albeit intermittent it is still improving regularly. There is hope that that will continue and H will grow back into a fuller father figure. That could happen with or without staying together but is surely healthier for your boys if H is at home.

Another advantage is that your kids have you all the time and vice versa.I know at times a break would be nice but still!

Lastly I would say that often people look at their parents M and determine the good aspects they will want to have in their own M. They also see aspects that will mark them enough to be categoric that they will avoid it in their own M. Your situation does not necessarily mean that your boys will be scarred by it. Maybe it will motivate them to have better Rs.

Regardless you have not wronged you or your sons by your choice. When they are older they will understand and admire you for your strength.

[HaWho]

KYH and Bttrfly - thanks for reminding me that this is not the same person. It helps to hear it.

Coly - thanks for the kind words.

Roist - I hope you are right that my kids will understand once they are grown.

So, h is all over the map. He goes from being cranky to, at times, being helpful. Overall, he is still reclusive and makes no eye contact. But sometimes, he is out of the dorm room and elsewhere in the house (very rare).

Last week I went in the yard to grab a lemon. H was showering and his window was open. I went close to the window and in a high pitched accent announced "housekeeping!!" Well, I must have startled him out of his fog because he got so mad and was yelling plus there was a ruckus. Annnd of course this window is right next to the neighbors (who already think he is nuts). It was a warm day and I didn't have the courage to see if their window was open.

I just left for work. I didn't think anything of it. It's the new reality with this cranky old goat of a h. I didn't see him again until I returned from work the next day. (He was holed up in the dorm room.) I opened the front door, h said something and it startled me as he was out of his dorm room and lurking in a corner (this is where he is when he's out of the room). I jumped and he said it was nothing compared to his scratches from my housekeeping stunt. He was trying to joke. I told him he was a cranky old goat (which he is) but I refrained from also telling him that this is his MLC spirit animal. He looked miffed but did not spew.

I find myself seeing humor in lots of places. It seems to annoy h. H scolded the kids for leaving dirty laundry in the washer and then not running it. He said the washer was not a hamper. And he said it's so gross you need a stick to get their clothes out. I laughed. Then a few minutes later I laughed again and couldn't stop. Then again. H got old goat cranky and asked me what was so funny. (It is so ironic that HE is telling THEM about grossness when his bathroom has not been cleaned in a year!). But it was the image of the stick that really got me. He told me it wasn't funny and I said it was to me and kept laughing. Old goat.

My car needed some repairs. I asked h his opinion about one of the repairs and he let me borrow one of his cars while mine was in the shop. That's big for him as he has had a tough time sharing in MLC.

But then, out of the clear blue he told s11 he wished he was in third grade, home, watching Scooby-Doo on Saturday.

I am okay. Family comes next week. I outright asked h if he was getting a cleaner for his bathroom. He immediately said yes and I thanked him.

At times, when I am not home he stays in the kitchen while s13 cooks. S jokes (in front of h) that it's like h is the kid and s is the adult. I asked which one of them was most trustworthy working with a stovetop and both agreed it was s13.

As for me, I've known for a while that this all has changed me. The landscape of my life has been altered forever, whether my m survives or not. I will never be the same. I won't think the same way ever again either. I always thought this would harden me. It some ways it has. However, I now have times where I really believe that for me, this is making me a better person. I have a compassion for people in that I truly understand that bad things can happen to good people. I have re-learned a level of self reliance and assuredness that I lost when h started picking at me like a vulture. I have learned to compartmentalize my troubles. Okay, a and b in my life are bad, but c - z is pretty good.

[bttrfly]

oh Ha .... I think I woke the kid and the neighbors howling with mirth "but I refrained from also telling him that this is his MLC spirit animal."

You are a card!

I'm not clear: does he wish s11 was in third grade home watching scooby or does he wish HE was back in 3rd grade, home, watching Scooby???

last paragraph! yes! i agree for me as well! and well done on the c-z portion. focus there! it's so much more ... lighter, filled with what, joy? happiness? hope? all of the above? xoxoxo

[roist]

I am glad you are a better person because of your situation. There has to be some positive in this train wreck.

I too can never return to who I was before. In many ways that is good. However the "forever ness" of M/love has taken a serious reality hit that may tarnish future R. Maybe not tarnish exactly but shine less magically. At 40 years old I lost some innocence that cannot be recovered.

I sometimes think of your situation and your H and I say thanks that my W isn't that way. At other times being together yet not makes me envy his hiding away in his dorm room..... not for me but W. Haha.

I'd wish neither situation on anyone but it does build character, as they say in the movies. I admire your strength and character. That will stand to you regardless of the outcome.

Make the most of your family visit.

Best wishes