Spoke to WAW a little bit this morning. She's going to spend the day with her sister because her sisters MIL had a stroke. This is the first time we have had more than a few words all week. I see some pain in her eyes but she also looks at me differently. Like the love is gone. She's clearly avoiding me as much as she can. Can't believe I'm going through this again.
Thanks Anna. It feels like all my hopes and dreams and sense of purpose have just vanished.
I've have always identified myself as a proud father and husband. It's what gives me joy and purpose. For WAW to walk away again after convincing me that things were different, is devastating.
I rack my brain trying to figure out why I'm so horrible that she has to run away. In her mind she has labeled me as abusive because we had a big fight and words were exchanged. This is after 10 months of us spending time and having so much fun together and maybe 2 or 3 disagreements that were easily resolved.
Abuse is the trump card WAS's play to gain the immediate support from everyone around them for their decision. Instead of society challenging them on their decision to destroy a family, the WAS becomes a hero applauded for their strength in facing such a hard path for the betterment of their lives and to set a good example for their children. Because of this there are accusations of abuse of some type in almost every divorce and the definition has been watered down as has society's ability to hold people accountable for their decisions.
This doesn't mean all cries of abuse are false. It just means that not all cries of abuse are true either, and this is why people make that claim.
I understand it's hard to believe this is reality. The number one way these forums have helped me is by allowing me to read hundreds of different situations and start to see patterns in how people operate. It's not pretty but at least when you understand the way things work you can make informed decisions. I have no interest in being a victim for the sake of social support. I'd rather have the life I want than a sob story about how my misery is not my fault.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Right now I literally have zero interest in anything. I'm paralyzed by my own thoughts and fears. I obsessively read the DB board because I feel so alone and reading other people's stories helps me feel like I'm not alone.
I'm having a hard time getting off the couch and my appetite is non-existent. The pit in my stomach is relentless and will probably be there for a few months.
GAL has always been very hard for me. Most of my spare time was spent with W and her D because that's what I enjoyed doing. To me, my WAW is one of a kind, I love her dearly and I can't fathom having this type of love for anyone else. She is truly unique. I'm just having a really hard time reconciling things in my mind.
Thanks for checking in my friend. Always appreciated.
Hang in there. You wouldn't believe the things first W said about me to various people during and even after our marriage. When her relationship with OM wasn't going well and she tried to use her safety net, she told me all sorts of unspeakable things about him, too, in an attempt to generate sympathy.
Your friends, and your family will know the truth. You will know the truth. As the advice everyone keeps giving goes: focus on you. Focus on D. You can make it through this, and be a better man for it.
Thank you T. I've spent a lot of time asking myself those questions too.
It is possible for someone to be a wonderful person but do horrible things. A lot of it has to do with the context of the world they live in.
Not long ago people owned slaves in our country. Some 'great men' that contributed greatly to the world we live in participated in this atrocious practice. Not because they were evil, but because that was the norm of their society and they didn't think to question it, it was just 'how things were'. I'm sure I could think of many other examples dating back all through recorded history.
Well, in today's world it is a social norm that says it is ok to pack your bags and set out on a journey of independence to quest for your personal happiness. This is our cultural narrative. We are no longer chained by rules of religion or expectations that 'to be a good wife/husband we need to stick it out', because those beliefs were 'oppressive'. As a result in today's world it is considered totally acceptable to put yourself and your own desires above those of your family or community. In fact it is encouraged. This is 'freedom'.
Personally I think this has resulted in a tremendous degradation of some of life's most precious gifts and is a huge loss for the millions that will never know the joy of a lifelong committed partnership, that will never see a spring because we don't stick it out through winter.
But that's not the point right now. You were specifically trying to wrap your head around the idea of how a 'good person' could do something so destructive. Well, there you go. The world views the real destruction as the loss of individual freedoms so this is considered normal anymore. Your WAS is a good person that has bought into some very pervasive and horrible outlooks.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Thornton, I don't really have anything to add. Kind of in the dumps myself today.... but I just wanted to reach out and give you a hug. We are here for you. ((((Thornton)))))
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Sorry you are having an off day too Leah. So hard to not obsess about why this is happening. And it's hard to not worry about what our futures look like. I can't picture myself with anyone but WAW.
And I truly thought she felt the same way about me.
