Courage comes with time. Pleasant distractions help. My journey has seen its share of challenges so far. For me, finding things I enjoy lets me disconnect from it all and recharge
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
a good read for you may be the posts on pursuit and distance. If need be I can assist in trying to find them. It sure sounds as though he pursues (even a little) when you distance
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
So yesterday I went and had my hair done. Over the course of the day I had many calls from him but hadn't answered. I called him on my way home from the hairdressers as it was late and I just wanted to check he had remembered to do the dogs.
The call was really pleasant. We just chatted - he said he didn't like his haircut and asked how mine was - just chit chat. Things seemed to be ok enough that I asked if we could meet to discuss finances. He is living in another womans house - still professing that he is in the spare room - but that is not going to be for free.
He said he knows we need to but didn't commit to a day or time. We talked about our status - what are we. Are we husband and wife, are we separated - what are we? He said he believes we are separated/ having a time out. I mentioned that most people talk during separation to decide what the separation is for - is it with the idea to fix and reconcile or is it to divorce. He said he had never mentioned the "d" word and just needs space.
I left the conversation feeling positive. Went and saw a friend, had some pizza. During the conversation he had said he was going out with a couple of guys for his mates birthday - on my way home he was at the usual place (i saw his car) and I know that all the girls are there too. I told myself not to let it change my mood - he is allowed to go out and have fun.
I still felt fine when I came home. Went to bed. I am waking up at just gone 4 these days - just seems to be auto. When I woke - about 430, there was a missed call from him (4am) and a txt message to say that he had accidentally had called me and had hoped he didn't wake me.
There was also a voicemail. It was just him and the woman he is living with chatting - that broke me. Just hearing his voice, being out with someone - not me. Why wasn't I the girl who would stay out and have fun?
He had told me that he was on a course today starting at 9am. When I eventually got up and went into the living room, one of our dogs had been violently ill. I tried to call him as my car isn't suitable for the dogs and I would need his car to take her to the vets. No answer. I imagine going home at 4 means he's hanging and probably lying about the course.
About an hr later my dog had a seizure. I tried calling him again - nothing.
I went to go and get some meds from the vets as I couldn't take her and his car was where he left it at the bar, so a least he didn't drive last night. But i also know he is probably just sleeping off his sore head.
I realized in that moment, whilst our dog was ill that he has washed his hands of me - of all the responsibility that goes with marriage - our home, our pets, me.
I wish I could find some inner strength - i find moments, but they are fleeting. I can't wrap my head around how a man can tell you he loves you Monday, be confused Tuesday, Its over Wednesday and moved out by Thursday........... I just can't seem to pull myself together.
I have something to go and do this morning, but then I'll be doing the housework and all the stuff that we used to share responsibility doing.
His responsibility now seems to lie in another house and other people......... F##k me I do not know that I can do this - i don't think he would bat an eyelid if i wasn't even here.....
its tough, it seems your husband is lost and on a timeline beyond his current control. The challenge is not to hang on his actions but to take control of your own. Find activities which are about you with no attachment to him. It gives short term peace and allows you to get away from the stress of wondering why. Its tough but don't over think his actions, as it will take a lot of time. You may see baby steps forward and then steps back from him. Perserverence is key.
By the way I didn't think i could do this either, and there may very well come a day when I decide Ive done all i can, but for me, i need to know Ive done all I can.
Early on I sought counselling, which helped to have such support. Seek non-judgemental support, read, find things to do that you've always wanted to do and always know there are many many people going through what you are
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
So yesterday I had enough. I called him mid afternoon and told him he needed to stay in the house as I was going out and staying out - the dog was sick again and I needed a break.
He said well i was planning on going to a restaurant..... I said - you'd have to go home at some point and you're only up the road so what difference does it make. He then told me that I had "Sprung" it on him - Ummmm excuse me, I've sprung you having to look after YOUR pets on you??????........ You have SPRUNG all of this on me!!!! He did say I had a valid point.
I left at 3.
Had a lovely evening with my friend - she, about 2 years ago went through the same thing.... but because it was the 2nd time for her, she is now divorcing; so we sat, drunk, chatted about life and it was so nice.
Got up and me and her went for a beach walk and then I decided it was time to come home. He's still asleep.
We are going to talk about next steps today...... am not sure how to broach the subject. Do i ask if we are separating on a semi perm basis, do I ask if we are looking to work on the marriage or are we separating with the aim to divorce?
I have no idea how to talk to him anymore...... it's like we have gone from being best friends to complete strangers.
I don't want the conversation to escalate - and I am feeling emotionally OK to not get mushy and break down, but I just don't know what we discuss or how to go about it. I suppose I just want to know if he wants to leave me or does he want to take things slowly and work on it........ Anyone got any advice????
One of the hardest parts of this all is the limbo state. To break that feeling, keep doing as your doing by enjoying the company of good friends. Its also tough to accept that logical conversations aren't likely. I will caution that often support provides insight based on their own experiences and could inadvertently inflect their own biases.
it somewhat appears that your husband may be experiencing a MLC (by the way, never ever tell him that). In which case relationship talk, unless initiated by the departing spouse is usually discouraged as it is said to only push them away further. However, it is important to define boundaries in a non confrontational manner. Boundaries should be boundaries of respect and not a list of wants. Such boundaries may include matters of money, shared responsibilities (such as your sick dog) and mutual respect (but at its very core). Dont have a long list of boundaries. As well be sure not to refer to them as boundaries. Rather have the conversation about ongoing respect.
The conversation should be more of you listening than talking and in a calm non accusing tone.It could begin with, although I believe our relationship can be successful, I respect your decision, with that in mind lets discuss how we can maintain ongoing respect. If the conversation goes bad and you are unsure how to extinguish the escalation, going quiet is better than engaging in an argument
You will not get the big picture answers you speak of if in fact he is having a MLC. Therefore I would only go as far as a discussion of respect (boundaries) - short and to the point
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
a word of caution; if you are struggling with what to say or how to control emotions, it may be best to hold off on the conversation until you have a a clear plan
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
I called him on my way home from the hairdressers as it was late and I just wanted to check he had remembered to do the dogs.
Next time, if he doesnt leave a message, it isnt important. You dont need to call him back.
Originally Posted By: Island
We just chatted - he said he didn't like his haircut and asked how mine was - just chit chat.
But, like, hes like in another womans house. Why are you just chit-chatting?
Originally Posted By: Island
We talked about our status - what are we. Are we husband and wife, are we separated - what are we? He said he believes we are separated/ having a time out. I mentioned that most people talk during separation to decide what the separation is for - is it with the idea to fix and reconcile or is it to divorce. He said he had never mentioned the "d" word and just needs space.
Youve got to stop talking about this kind of stuff. He doesnt know right now. Hes living with another woman! But Im sure he doesnt know if its going to work, so he will likely say whatever to keep you around as a plan B safety net. If you dont believe what hes saying anyway, whats the point in having the discussion?
Originally Posted By: Island
on my way home he was at the usual place (i saw his car) and I know that all the girls are there too. I told myself not to let it change my mood - he is allowed to go out and have fun.
What do you mean by 'allowed'?
Originally Posted By: Island
I realized in that moment, whilst our dog was ill that he has washed his hands of me - of all the responsibility that goes with marriage - our home, our pets, me.
YES. So far now, stop trying to reel him back in. It is only coming off as controlling and pursuing. Stop saying he needs to take care of this or that. Youre a grown woman with more strength than you know. You can figure out how to deal with the dogs without him.
That said, if he IS going to be ou of the house, you need to figure out the finances and get it documented. Who is paying for what? Have you seen a lawyer yet to understand if there is some kind of support you would receive?
Originally Posted By: Island
I can't wrap my head around how a man can tell you he loves you Monday, be confused Tuesday, Its over Wednesday and moved out by Thursday........... I just can't seem to pull myself together.
Nope. So stop trying.
Originally Posted By: Island
i don't think he would bat an eyelid if i wasn't even here.....
Island, everyone's story is a little different, but there are a lot of similarities. One thing that has helped me out is perusing other people's threads. A lot of that advice is suitable for my situation, it helps me feel like I'm not alone, giving some advice makes me feel somewhat in control of myself, like maybe my story could help someone else, and it validates my own feelings of hurt and disappointment. I don't know if you do it, but maybe that would help you, too.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
