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Island,

he is gaslighting you. DO NOT believe ANYTHING what he says.

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Thank you guys. I do have moments of strength, but sadly they are outweighed by the overwhelming need to ball my eyes out - sometimes I don't even know why i am crying anymore.

So the conversation....... I let him start it.... He opened with, well we will need to sell the house. Talk about boom straight to the point. What happened to needing space, taking time?

He said, and repeated multiple times that he is just using the other woman's spare room - they are room mates, no more. I said if all you are doing is spending time in the room, we have 2 spare rooms - we can't actually afford another rent. He said he didn't like being in the house with the memories - it didn't allow him to think. I pointed out that he has probably felt like this for some time, I am the one who this has been sprung on and yet I am having to live with the memories.

The conversation continued, defining that we are separated, but he didn't want to define what the rules/guidelines/boundaries were. We took a step back and he said we are at a X road but he has made his mind up that things can not work out between us.

I am travelling back to the Uk next week - he said he would move back in whilst I am away. Its a holiday we were supposed to have together - in fact I am on the phone now trying to cancel his BA ticket. His parents will be at my family home as we were all due to be at a wedding - this is going to be so hard.

He said he wants us to be friends - I said that isn't a marriage between 2 friends? How can we be friends if we can't communicate?

I KNOW that i need to keep my mouth shut - I know I am saying all the wrong things and doing all the wrong things, but (and I know it is useless trying) I am trying to understand why. He tells me it is nothing that I have done, but it doesn't feel that way.

Before he left he asked when we were going to counselling as a couple - i gave him the date although I am now wondering what the point is.

I know I need to stop, I know i need to quit asking the wrong questions, I know this is done, I just don't know how to let go.... I want to let go of him the way he has let go of me.

Guys I have read pretty much every thread on here - and when reading them I feel so strong - I just fail at putting things into practise..............

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So I just did something even more stupid than I normally would. I went into his emails. He was supposed to be away this weekend with a group of people from work including the woman he is living with (according to him in the spare room) He at the last minute was replaced by another member of staff.

There was supposed to be a big dinner with everyone, but when I checked his deleted items, she had messaged him to his personal email with an open table cancellation for 2 people. How have I been so gullible. I wanted so much to believe he wouldnt be lying to me.

Some group dinner just the 2 of them - I'm devastated - Why won't he just be honest with me and tell me that he's having an affair.

I just want the truth - i want him to tell me so i can hate him and move on......

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Island, it sounds like you already know the truth. I know you want a sense of closure, but my experience is that only exists in Hollywood movies. You need to let plural "you" go, and work on single "you." But I know it's easier said than done.


M:23 T:26
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Again for the n-th time, do not expect truth from him. You have to detach. Relying on him for anything will just add to your pain...

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Sometimes, you just need to keep touching the stove to learn that it's hot.

But no, don't believe a word.

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very wise comment Jim, I may just have to share mine as well


BD Oct 2016
Me 47, W 43
together 25 years
S 25, D 22
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So its been a few days - they have been very emotional.

We have spoken a few times this week - he calls, i don't initiate. We had couples counseling on Friday. He said he needs time to figure out if he wants to be in a relationship or be single - he just doesn't know. Saturday was his birthday. He asked if I wanted to go to lunch with him. I said it would be nice, but what about drinks in the evening? He said he didn't want me there. That hurt, so I said i'd think about lunch.

Fri eve I had a work function, he called to tell me to have fun and that he would call me on Sat re lunch. He asked what i would be doing the evening and I said I had made plans to go out with some friends as I would miss him on his birthday. He wanted to know where I was going so I just said out. He then said well I am going to (name of place) - i so happened to be the same place. Part of me thought to say nothing, but I thought no tell him. I said well that is where everyone is going so you may need to rethink.

So out I go for my works do. It was fun. Admittedly I drank way too much, but it was soooo good to be carefree for a bit. We went to a few different places and ended up in a club. I went outside with a friend for a cigarette. About 2 minutes later (around 2 am) my H and OW walked out onto the balcony. I walked over to them - they didn't see me. My friend said I just stood there - as soon as the OW saw me, she ran...... I looked at my H and told he to F himself, before walking away in floods of tears.

He followed me but my friend told him to leave. Sat morning he called me. He told me I verbally berated the OW and she was scared to leave the house. He said she is innocent in all of this as there is nothing going on and he is angry with me and doesn't want to go for lunch anymore. I had ruined his birthday.

I said to him my friend told me what had happened - I had drunk a bit too much but her story was very different. I said it hurts to know he is more concerned with the feelings of the OW rather than his wife.

I went out that evening and met my friends. There were a few other people i know - some whom he works with. They were all quite chatty and nice - said rumors have been flying around his work of him seeing someone within the company..... that he is living with another person - all stuff i knew already. Some said he had changed at work too in not a nice way.

I know in my heart he is most probably having an affair - but not conclusively. Why won't he just admit it? I sent the OW a message to say that woman to woman I hope she can understand why I acted the way i did, but my intent was not to be mean - she has read it, but not responded. I asked that they be honest with me and save me any humiliation if there is something going on - no answer. If that were me, I would want to ensure that people knew there was nothing going on especially if there is nothing going on, so her silence speaks quite loudly.

I fly off to the UK tomorrow. I feel that when i return it will be divorce. No longer are there just communication issues to resolve, but now I don't trust him. He is not the man i thought he was - he seems to only think about himself and hopes the lies keep that false facade. I think, as much as I love him, I don't like who he has become.

I did realize on a positive, that I have more friends than i thought.

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Why are you doing this to yourself? If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it sure as hell ain't no fcucking crocodile...

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So here I am at Miami airpot.

My sunday was not awesome - I saw him walking down the beach with her. It broke my heart - the last image ingrained into my mind is that.

He came over to the house - we had an almighty row. I said to him, I don't think he realized how much he has hurt and destroyed me.

He apologized.

Today he said he wanted to take me to the airport. We got there - probably the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

Just before security, he hugged me harder than he has in forever. He said he was sorry for all the pain he has caused me, but needed me to know that he has always been faithful and that there is nothing going on. I didn't cry - i surprised myself that I didn't fall apart. He kissed me on my cheek. He told me to use the time to think - I said the same to him.

I'm sat here now in MIA airport with tears in my eyes - it wasn't a see you later - it was a good bye. I need to spend the next few weeks preparing myself for divorce - preparing my heart. He says he will think about everything whilst i'm away, I can only wish; wish that he misses me, wish that he sees that maybe this was the path we needed to take to make our marriage better - but my life is not a Disney movie.........

Why is life so cruel. I know there are some of you that wonder why i am doing this to myself - I can't help who i love, i wish to god i could, but i can't. Maybe the time away will help me get some perspective.

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