Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Only not utube!

Autocorrect! And fat fingers....

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
F
focus22 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
Originally Posted By: Sotto
Sorry to hear that Focus. Firstly, anger is energy that needs releasing. Hence the scrubbing urge...I guess your oven may be spotless now? (((Hugs)))


Lol...I've cleaned the cupboards now, on top, inside, out, cleaned inside the drawers, given more stuff to the charity shop, thrown out an old Christmas present that he bought me many years ago (bought last thing on Christmas Eve, already broken, and never fixed). Anyway, I'm enjoying my nice clean kitchen :o)

Originally Posted By: Sotto

I'm in the UK too but different law here. So he could choose to file on a no fault basis? What works for you at this point? Sounds like he is seeking approval to move forward and hopes you may collaborate, so this feels like a mutual desire to D?


So, the way the law works here, you get divorced because of 'irretrievable breakdown'. And the reasons are:
* unreasonable behaviour
* adultery
* living separately for at least one year (this way of D has to be by mutual agreement)
* living separately for at least two years (this way of D can be without your spouse's agreement by this point)

Originally Posted By: Sotto

For me, I told XH that D wasn't my choice, but I wouldn't oppose if that were his choice and he did file. I have no regrets about letting him do the work, being cooperative & responding minimally and with Ls in the mix.

Best advice I can give? Release the emotion away from him & respond in a minimal way to him, though pleasant. Post here first if that helps..

Xx


Thank you.

I'm letting the feelings just sit there for a while. I haven't answered yet.

I had a couple of thoughts though. I might say I'm thinking it over, but ask him to clarify what he means by the 'our financial matters' bit.

Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Focus

Have you an L? Getting great L might be important.

Please don't assume team FHM will stay all yours, I am having the fight of my life to keep mine which I owned for 30 years before I met the Giggalo, my M was on
YouTube 9 months. I am in England though, Scots law can be different.

Protect yourself financially.

Big Hugs

V


Thank you lovely V.

What's 'team FHM'?

I'll wait a bit longer (another week/couple of weeks?) before replying, and then say I'm thinking it over but ask him to clarify what he meant by the 'our financial matters' thing. And at that point I might go and speak to a lawyer?

Does that sound like it's reasonable/a good plan?

I had a L tell me I was very lucky as things were very straight forward: no children, no joint assets, no marital property (not even a joint bank account).

I have the smallest sneaking suspicion that he might offer to pay my mortgage off for me. Last time he texted (early November? Mid November?) he asked in a round about way how much was left on the mortgage.

Now, I know this is mind reading, but I'm wondering that he thinks that paying my mortgage off (not much at all, barely £3,000 at this point) will redress the balance of his crappy behaviour in some way, and so he can absolve himself as a result?



Also, we're really not that far off the living separately for two years mark, after which, according to Scots law, he could just divorce me, whether I agreed to it or not. So why not wait until then?

I really don't understand why he's got in touch now, instead of just waiting it out for another few months, and going ahead without having to get in touch with me?


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
F
focus22 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
Just stopping by with an update.

My house is starting to really take shape now. I'm starting to feel it's finally mine and sorted. Still a little more to do though.

Anyway, during the tidy up I found some medication that had fallen behind something.

I knew for sure it wasn't mine. And it had my STBXH's name on it, with a date (from late summer 2012).

It wasn't finished, the packet still had lots left in it.

I googled the name: vibramycin. It's an antibiotic that's used for treating certain bacterial infections, including chlamydia. He had reactive arthritis just before getting that medication. The causes of reactive arthritis are food poisoning or chlamydia. You don't get antibiotics if you've got food poisoning (please someone, correct me if I'm wrong).

So he got chlamydia from the 20 something year old girl he had a short PA with when he was working in Brazil shortly before (the timescales fit). And he didn't take all of his medication for it.

I thought he was a complete idiot for that.

Then it dawned on me, a couple of weeks after we started MR again, in July/August of the following year, I got a very bad UTI. Very bad. I had to get some strong antibios for it from the doctor.

I have a hunch he passed it on to me then, and it was dealt with by the antibiotics the doctor gave me, without me ever finding out what was actually wrong.

So then I got really angry. How can someone be so utterly stupid? To not take all of their medication and risk passing on their disease to someone else? I am just flabbergasted.

Anyway, I think I can go to my doctor and ask them to check my medical records from that date to see what the diagnosis actually was.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
F
focus22 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
In other news, I still haven't answered the text he sent. I've been phenomenally busy with house stuff and work and, ya know, living my life.

I'm not sure how I feel about answering now. I don't think I ever want to have anything to do with him again with the stuff I've posted about above.

Door slam.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
F
focus22 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
Wow, so the past few days have been interesting (for me).

The realisation that the UTI I had in July/August coincided with
* My gran dying in August (while my H was working away and I was staying with him). I was extremely close to her.
* The start of what was to develop into taking legal action against my ex work colleague for a sexual crime he committed on me. That took two years to resolve (in a court case, that was in the press as well).
* My struggling to keep our M together
* The start of what was a two year struggle (along with my neighbours) to get treatment for an extremely mentally ill neighbour we had. It ended with her setting fire to her flat and her landlord finally taking our concerns seriously
* Someone I had done business with running away with (what was for me) a lot of money and my seeking legal advice to try and redress the situation somehow.

All of that, that's a lot. And on top of that, I was possibly having to deal with the health consequences for me of one of his infidelities?

And then it dawned on me...I'm worth so, so, so much more than that.

That's the first time in all of this that I'd had that feeling.

Then I felt strong and dignified and coherent in a way that I can't ever remember feeling. I felt like I knew I'd found something really important.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
F
focus22 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
So last night I had another dream.

I dreamt I was at his wedding. He was marrying OW. But she wasn't there (and they child wasn't there either). It was only him who was there.

I caught a glimpse of him, from behind, heading up a staircase, and just wanted to get away and be away from him.

I felt like I didn't want to be there (just very uncomfortable, not in pain or hysterical or anything like that.I knew that I just wanted to be physically removed from him and not see him).

Thankfully the house where all of this was taking place was fairly large (and old house, beautiful, quite grand, but still welcoming and a lived in, lively space, not a dead, empty one).

So I just headed out the big doors, onto the terrace, round the corner, and out of sight. It was late afternoon/early evening and an absolutely beautiful time of day. I felt nothing but relief and calm, and absolutely myself.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
F
focus22 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
Checking in again.

Life is good.

I've been very busy with work of various sorts, and loving it all. I'm giving it all super positivity and it's really paying off. Both for myself, in terms of how I'm feeling about everything, but also from other people...they're really noticing the super positivity and responding to it in a big way. Not that I wasn't very positive before, I've just cranked it up a notch now.

I'm absolutely loving the changes I've made to my little house. My renovations are on hold for now. I'm about three quarters of the way there, but I'm having a super busy month with work, so I've sorted everything as much as I can to make it as nice as I can, for now, and then I'll get back to it.

Work in progress, eh? Just like life : o)

But yeah, I'm loving living in my little house. And also knowing that my mortgage is almost paid off. What a fantastic achievement for someone in their mid 40s who has lived a self employed/freelance life, never earning very much but doing work they absolutely love doing.

We're coming up to 2 years now, which is the point in our legal system where either of us can D without the other's consent. So I downloaded the papers. I'm letting them sit there for a while, so I can just live with it and get used to it.

One question has me a bit stressed out though. I have to write his address in. Or if I don't know, I have to write what reasonable means I've taken to try and find out.

I don't know where he's staying. I guess I'll just have to text him and ask. And then text again after a couple of weeks/a month if he doesn't answer. I think I'd really rather not though. I don't really ever want to speak to him again.

Anyway, other news. I've been seeing someone. He's the same age as me (one year older). He was M for a long time, but his W had an affair with her boss. He's been D for seven years. He has two grown up children.

I really like the choices he's made since he separated from his W and his D. We talked a bit about learning to get used to the trauma of it all and the choices that you make to try and get through. I feel he's made very positive choices (finding a new home, fitness for himself, bonding with his children, closeness with his own family, pursuing other non work related interests when he can).

He's very straight forward, a 'what you see is what you get' type person. It's very, very straight forward between us.

But most of all, we have a lot of fun together. There's been a few times when we've just skipped down the street together (quiet street, late in the evening) and been laughing our heads off as we do.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Focus -
So nice that you've found such a nice guy! Sounds like he has done all the right DB things since his breakup, even though he hasn't been here! Shows he has good character.

About the divorce - do the paperwork yourself and send it. If you don't want to contact him for the address, can you ask someone else to contact him for you? I know it feels unfair that you have to do the work, but it will free you.

Also, be careful. I would interpret his question about your mortgage balance as worrisome; could he be trying to make a claim on it and wants to know how much equity is in it?

Sounds like you should be safe if joint funds were never used to pay the mortgage, but be careful.

Also - congratulations on your almost paid off house! Check out the Mr Money Mustache website, I think it might resonate with you !

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
I just read through your latest posts and felt such positive spirit from them! You're really doing so very well! smile

Congrats on being almost mortgage-free! That's a big achievement!
I'm just starting on that path now, but I'm buying something cheap so I can pay it off quickly.

So nice to hear about your straightforward guy. It's so good to not play games or wonder about secrets.

Best of luck!


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 331
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 331
Hi Focus,
Sorry I haven't stopped by in a while. It is fantastic to hear the progress you've made. I'm jealous!You've been through some tough times but you are stronger than ever. Your story is inspiring so keep posting!


Me:48
W:45
S:15
M:17
T: 25
Separated: Oct 2015
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard