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You? What are your plans?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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focus22 Offline OP
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Friday is a busy day for me. I've got two lots of freelance work on, which means a 13 hour day (but I love it).

Saturday is a studio day for me, and maybe the gym in the evening. Sunday...not sure yet.

I've still got lots of sorting out to do in my house. I'm nearing the end of sorting through clothes soon, and I've moved on to bags as well. I know it's taking me absolutely ages, but I'm doing it all quite mindfully, which is taking quite a lot of time and energy.

I'm reading Marie Kondo's second book as I'm doing it all. Her whole philosophy is that you only keep things that 'spark joy' in your home. So you pick things up, one thing at a time and tune into the feeling it gives you. I've tried everything on as I've been going through this process, all the clothes, shoes and bags that have been in my cupboards and drawers, to see how they make me feel, to see if they 'spark joy' in me.

I think I've become much more attuned to tapping into how things make me feel now that I've been doing it for a while, which makes me think I could quite easily go another round of going through things again soon, starting from where I first started.

I'd like to live a little lighter and be a little more intentional with my purchases in future.

Never one for doing things half way me...lol!


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
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Quote:
I've still got lots of sorting out to do in my house. I'm nearing the end of sorting through clothes soon, and I've moved on to bags as well. I know it's taking me absolutely ages, but I'm doing it all quite mindfully, which is taking quite a lot of time and energy.


Good grief I know the feeling. With the kids I have precious little time to normal cleaning, much less anything else. But I don't complain one bit. The weekends they are at their mom's is cleaning time that we don't do otherwise.

Quote:
Marie Kondo's second book


Interesting. I will look into it.

Quote:
I think I've become much more attuned to tapping into how things make me feel now that I've been doing it for a while, which makes me think I could quite easily go another round of going through things again soon, starting from where I first started.


From what I can tell on here, it seems as what you are doing is working for you! Good on ya!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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focus22 Offline OP
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I'm absolutely loving it, Jeep. Feels like I'm becoming the person I really should be, at last.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
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Originally Posted By: focus22
I'm absolutely loving it, Jeep. Feels like I'm becoming the person I really should be, at last.


If we had better emoticons on here, I'd give you a jumping for joy one. That is so awesome to hear!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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focus22 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Quote:
I've still got lots of sorting out to do in my house. I'm nearing the end of sorting through clothes soon, and I've moved on to bags as well. I know it's taking me absolutely ages, but I'm doing it all quite mindfully, which is taking quite a lot of time and energy.


Good grief I know the feeling. With the kids I have precious little time to normal cleaning, much less anything else. But I don't complain one bit. The weekends they are at their mom's is cleaning time that we don't do otherwise.


It's strange, a while back I suddenly started wondering how I ever had enough time and energy for a husband :o)

I mean, I know there have been times when I've deliberately made sure I was very busy just to fill up the time and so I didn't have to think about things (or feel things related to this whole process). But there have also been a few times when I genuinely wondered how I had the time and energy for a H and a M. There was no feeling attached to that thought, no sadness, heaviness or nostalgia...just quite a neutral observation and curiosity. Very weird.

Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Quote:
Marie Kondo's second book


Interesting. I will look into it.


Did I mention what it was called? 'Spark Joy'. I'm a bit of a hippy at heart (upbringing), so the whole 'tapping into the feelings something gives you' is right up my street.

I've just never really explored it with material possessions before. I think I used to get very attached to material things, mostly as a way of trying to fight against loss and as a way of thinking I could gain some sort of control over 'life' and 'life stuff'.

Of course, all of that is an illusion really. You can't control 'life' or protect yourself against 'life stuff' (a lot of which is to do with loss). That's what's been really brought home to me in this whole process. So in my usual way, instead of running away from all of that, I've gone head first into it.

If something makes you feel frightened or uncomfortable, you don't run away from it, right? Because then it has power over you. You stand up tall, hold your head high, look straight ahead, and then start to really look at it, take it apart, examine it, a little piece at a time. You feel the feelings associated with that slow examination, observe them for what they are, observe them changing and shifting, at times subtle and mercurial as they may be. And you let them go.

I would say all of that though, the hippy that I am. But hey ho, I've not found another way through this (for now). There may be other ways through this, I don't know. I'd be up for finding out what they are though. I'm always curious.

Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Quote:
I think I've become much more attuned to tapping into how things make me feel now that I've been doing it for a while, which makes me think I could quite easily go another round of going through things again soon, starting from where I first started.


From what I can tell on here, it seems as what you are doing is working for you! Good on ya!


Thank you. I'm absolutely loving this. Admittedly not all of the time, but there's nothing there that I'm not enjoying finding out about myself. I'm not sugar coating stuff about myself to myself, I know there are some not so wonderful things there. But everyone has those, so that makes me the same as everyone else really. It's just that mine are peculiar to me, and that's what makes me me.

I think I'm learning to be comfortable in my own self. And that's probably the first time it's happened in my life. It makes me feel a bit sad that I should have to have gotten to pretty much 47 years old (and an M/D) to have just started to find this state of being. But it feels like a very nice play to be, it feels peaceful and like you're standing on solid ground within yourself (a feeling I've never really had in my life...I've grown up with a huge amount of insecurity on many fronts).

So I'm going to explore this more.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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Well, some shocking news...

For the two year leading up to the October 2015 ILTBINILWY I was involved in a court case against one of my work colleagues (court cases are fairly unusual in the UK).

The guy eventually pled guilty and was sentenced at the very end of August 2015, six weeks before STBXH left.

The whole court case contributed hugely to the stress I was feeling at that time, along with (what I now see as) the ever disintegrating state of affairs in my M.

Anyway, I found out a couple of days ago that the guy I took to court has died. He was only 31.

My first thought was suicide, but it was apparently from complications to do with his type 1 diabetes...multiple organ failure.

I feel in shock. I'm still processing it all.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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Well, I thought I'd give you all a bit of a laugh with some of the dates I went on.

I'm also a bit angry about something I've just found out from one of my closest friends.

Anyway, here we go...

I went out a few times with a guy. Have to say, when I first met him, I felt instantly kinda disappointed. He just looked a bit worn out and unlooked after. Not in a 'I haven't ironed my clothes' sort of way, more in a kind of 'not eating properly and not getting some exercise' kind of way.

Anyway, we had *loads* in common and he seemed fairly open - especially about some difficult experiences he'd been through. That, I thought was a positive: a man who had lived through some hard times and wasn't afraid to talk about them. A bit of a relief after WH/STBXH, I thought, who couldn't talk about anything at all without visibly stiffening.

We went out a bit. And then some alarm bells started ringing: he was *very* full on, he was almost over eager to please me, there was *a lot* of alcohol involved, he also smoked a lot, he wanted me to spend all my time with him. He also made plans for me on my behalf, made decisions for me without asking me.

Now, I have to say, I'm a fairly independent sort. I like to make my own mind up about things, I like my life and I like my work. And having someone be so full on and overwhelming made me feel *incredibly* claustrophobic.

He would also really lose it sometimes. At first it was just in his house. Then it was out in the street. And then he would somehow get me to lose it at him (which I never, ever do with people. Losing it is really a last resort for me, and if I get to that stage with someone there's usually no coming back from it).

I was confused and humiliated by how I was behaving and how quickly I'd seemed to reach that point.

The thing I found out...one of my closest friends got married. It was a very small wedding and I was one of a couple of girlfriend guests she had invited. I was incredibly honoured. I thought it might be fun to go with him as my plus one, and my friend was more than OK with this.

He scrubbed up really well. We had a lovely day. I was overwhelmed for my friend, and so happy for her (in spite of all the crap that's gone on in my life, I was genuinely overjoyed for her).

The meal was pared with a specific whisky for each course. It was *delicious*. Anything we didn't drink we could take home with us in a tiny little glass jar provided by the venue. I only managed about 2 of my whiskies and took home the rest (another 2 or 3). I was a little bit tipsy, but in total control of my faculties.

He drank all of his and - I have just discovered this afternoon - took home the ones that had been left by the groom and put into little glass jars for the groom to take home.

Not only did my friend notice, but some of her other guests noticed. She just told me this today. I am beyond angry and incredibly mortified.

I hadn't spoken to this guy for a bit. I couldn't deal with everything he was throwing at me, especially after such a few times going out. Now I never want to see him again. What utterly selfish, arrogant and self entitled behaviour.

I'm only now beginning to understand why I was attracted to him, and the similarities he had to WH/STBXH (except this guy was worse I think).

How depressing. How totally and utterly depressing.

Hopefully I'll be able to laugh about it at some point.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Laugh today focus

And welcome, I left a cake for you as a welcome gift. Carrot cake.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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focus22 Offline OP
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My friend, thankfully, is OK with it all.

She thinks I had a very lucky escape. I do too.

The thing I'm most glad and grateful for of is that she's OK with it. She's a friend in a million, for sure. I feel very lucky.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
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