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#2737720 04/06/17 04:10 AM
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focus22 Offline OP
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Hello! *waves*

I'm over here from Newcomers. I don't think I really fit there any more, so I've made my way over here.

Here is my previous thread, in case you're curious:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2736569&page=1


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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Starting on a positive note, this was my last post from my old thread:

'Another update from me.

It's been a good while, but I went back to the gym. Oh my heavens above, it felt amazing!

I didn't go overboard (also because I hurt my back quite badly a few years ago). Just half an hour rowing and 15 minutes cycling at the 'slightly out of breath but still able to hold a conversation if I had to' pace.

Slept so, so well that night too.

Back is a bit sore and stiff, but nothing hurting. I'll go back and do the same routine a couple of times before adding in some weights.

I'm loving it, it feels like a very positive thing to be doing for myself.'


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
F
focus22 Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
And here's where I'm at now:

Also, one of my closest friends who has been helping me through all of this, suggested I go on some dates a while back.

Needless to say, I was very, very reluctant to do so. But after a bit, I did.

Interesting. I was surprised at how much I was able to stand back from it all and how quickly I was able to get a handle on what someone was all about. I guess that's the difference between dating in your early/mid 20s and then meeting people pretty much 20 years on from that, with a whole load of life experience.

It was also interesting how dating is different now than it was 20 odd years ago. Then, if you were going 'out on a date' it was a pretty big deal. I remember knowing that you went on a date with the intention of it leading somewhere else (more serious, like a relationship). And you would only date one person at a time. Now, it seems a lot less serious, more of a just a chat and get to know you a bit more type thing. And you might not be dating just one person exclusively. To get my head round that all took a little time, and chatting with my friend.

I also found it interesting in that it showed me pretty quickly what's important to me and what I don't particularly like/am looking for/want. A few things caught me unawares, and I was a bit surprised by them, but it's good to be conscious of them I guess. Self awareness is always a good thing smile

I kind of knew all along that I like people who were fairly independent. I am that way too. I don't like the idea of being with someone *all* the time, I think I would find that pretty suffocating. I like to do my own things too and would hope that someone else was the same. Some shared interests, but some interests independent of each other. I guess the important thing in this case, being like this, is to make sure that you keep the connection with the other person alive. I reckon this is the mistake (one of them, one of the big ones) I made in my M.

I hadn't realised how important (and attractive) it was for me for someone to have a great deal of presence, be it physical, spiritual or emotional. And along with that presence, self awareness as well. I guess I believe that self awareness brings a certain amount of stillness and strength with it, and I find those things very appealing - especially after all the drama of the past 6 years (WH's MLC included, along with the usual life stuff that happens).

I guess, all in all, I was pretty shocked at how old, worn out and tired some of the gentlemen of my own age looked. I don't know what I was expecting, but so many of them *look* old. I couldn't see myself going out with them. So clearly someone who looks after themselves and a certain amount of youthfulness is also appealing to me.

Anyway, it's been very interesting how much I've learnt about myself in going out on a handful of dates. I do feel in a much better, stronger position within myself, more confident too.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted By: focus22
I guess, all in all, I was pretty shocked at how old, worn out and tired some of the gentlemen of my own age looked. I don't know what I was expecting, but so many of them *look* old. I couldn't see myself going out with them. So clearly someone who looks after themselves and a certain amount of youthfulness is also appealing to me.


focus22,

I guess the welcoming committee hasn't arrived yet. Welcome! I remember your name from the newcomers forum.

I'm a bit older than you, and when I started dating, I was surprised at what I found. It reminded me of the old adage, "rode hard and put up wet." But I think there are some gems out there as well.

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Hey Focus! Good to see you here!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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focus22 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: focus22
I guess, all in all, I was pretty shocked at how old, worn out and tired some of the gentlemen of my own age looked. I don't know what I was expecting, but so many of them *look* old. I couldn't see myself going out with them. So clearly someone who looks after themselves and a certain amount of youthfulness is also appealing to me.


focus22,

I guess the welcoming committee hasn't arrived yet. Welcome! I remember your name from the newcomers forum.

I'm a bit older than you, and when I started dating, I was surprised at what I found. It reminded me of the old adage, "rode hard and put up wet." But I think there are some gems out there as well.



Hey doodler! Thanks for stopping by, appreciate it.

Had to look that one up, as I'd never heard it before...lol!

It's been an education, for sure :o)

I'm also pleasantly surprised at how relaxed I've been about it all. From being someone who really wanted other people to like me, and to feel validated by being with someone else, I've discovered that I'm now much less concerned with all of that. I would even go so far as to say that I'm not particularly bothered if someone doesn't like me. If you knew e before, you'd know what a transformation that was.

I've also become much more interested in seeing what other people have to offer (not just talking dating here, but friendships too).

I don't know, but I'd say that it feels like the worst has past. Six months and a year after WH left were definitely milestones and turning points. The six month point was last spring, and it felt like it coincided with some new shoots growing in my life too. A year was a turning point too, more like the close of something, a natural end.

Anyway, I'd say I'm feeling good about my life at the moment, and about the choices I'm making. They feel like positive choices for me, for now and for the future.

We'll see. One thing I'm learning is that there are always surprises in store. And those surprises give you the chance (the gift) of being able to examine some of your attitudes and preconceptions.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
F
focus22 Offline OP
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Posts: 805
Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Hey Focus! Good to see you here!


Hey Jeep! Thanks for stopping by. Hope you're well today smile


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Member
Offline
Member
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Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
Doing awesome! Sun is shining and my kids...how could it get any better?

Say, if you want to join our crew of db misfits, feel free.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Doing awesome! Sun is shining and my kids...how could it get any better?

Say, if you want to join our crew of db misfits, feel free.


Ah, lovely! What have you got planned for today? And the weekend?


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
Unfortunately, working. This weekend something with the kiddos before they go to their mom's on spring break. UGH.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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