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AD,

I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your family member. I lost my brother last fall to medical problems from his heroin addiction. It's awful and sad, and know that you have someone in your camp. It affects so many people. My brother's visitation was littered with friends (users, former users and non users) and family who were equally as unhappy as his immediate family.

I guess his long term use gave us a long time to move through much of those fears - especially of judgment. It was a path that was sadly predictable without change, yet still sad because he left behind a then 6 year old and then 16 year old. It totally svcks. The grief is ever present, and pops up at some odd and inconvenient times. Like at a baseball game with his youngest. Anyway, the gift you can give society is to talk about it and not let fear of shame or judgment get in the way. You'd be surprised at how many people out there have a family member in the same position. It's supportive when you get used to calling the spade a spade.

However... I will not watch that show Intervention. And I find myself unable to appreciate shows featuring drug dealers or addicts. I couldn't get past season 2 of Breaking Bad... knowing my brother was one of those people who did horrible things to get his next fix was always present, and I found that it made watching not at all enjoyable. I hope my friends and family understand why I just couldn't muster my way through a series that featured characters who society cheered on?!?! I thought the acting was fantastic, but maybe too fantastic. It was hard enough loving my brother while actively disliking who he became and what he did to feed his habit. cry

Anyway, I just want you to know that you have a friend here. I'm sorry for your sister's loss the most. It has to be the worst thing to bury a child, no matter the reason. Ending on a positive note, I will say that his death brought my family together in a uniquely tight way. His problems ceased to exist and we all just found out that we cared about each other more knowing he had hurt all of us tremendously. And the weirder part? We all made a pact to forgive him and move forward. It's been a little weird, but healing.

Hugs,
Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
#2735374 03/21/17 11:45 PM
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Well I thought I would post here

My W has been to see a solicitor and she will soon be filing for divorce under unreasonable behaviour

He solicitor will choose grounds that I agree on I will get to see the draft petition

She is asking for a 50/50 split in the sale of the house and for me to pay maintance for the two young children or she wants a greater chunk of the sale of the house and no maintance

So it looks like divorce is where I am heading I would have liked to have stopped this but this is not something that my W ever wanted to do

So now is it all about agreeing and moving forward with what she wants

I feel lost and empty

I would be greatful for any advice going forward

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
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Ghost

Welcome to Surviving.

What happened about your move? Is the house up for sale?

Just because your WW wants something doesn't mean it's right. You are and have rights and access to your children.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Quote:
So now is it all about agreeing and moving forward with what she wants


No, no it isn't. Are you willing to give up your rights? If so, then what for? Do you think that by agreeing with her it will somehow gain favor? I'm afraid that's not going to happen.

Now, this is a business transaction and needs to be treated as such. If you don't have a good lawyer then get one ASAP. If you choose not to, then don't cry about what she is doing. Protect yourself and your family.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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adinva Offline OP
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Time flies, doesn't it?! Big news, requiring a new thread title, Divorce is Finally Behind Me. Will post more info there.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Here's my last thread from January 2016, where I thought I'd be divorced in 2016: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...093#Post2610093

It took longer than expected, as everything has in my sitch, but...
ta-da! My divorce was final March 7, and I feel good about it.

2016 was a horrific year in so many ways, and one of the hardest I've personally been through. A/D and therapy and lots of exercise still didn't always stave off depression and I found it hard to get out of bed many times. Somehow it all got done anyway, with lots of breaks in the action.

I had started negotiating with H on the financial stuff, the only part of separating that we didn't see eye to eye on, working with a financial advisor. That broke down - he went to two meetings and stopped going, saying he didn't need financial advice and he thought the suggestion of spousal support was outrageous, and he felt like the advisor's purpose was just to pressure him into as much support as I could get out of him. She was really intended to be working for both of us to show us projections and ensure that we would both be OK in the long run, instead of just him being OK. We continued to not see eye to eye, and so I decided once we had everything except support agreed on, it was time to work the last issue out with lawyers.

I switched to a third lawyer on the advice of my financial advisor. The first two had told me to expect no support because the county formulas calculated $0 for me. The third L (who I met with just around my 50th birthday in August) looked at my financials and agreed with me and the financial planner that I should definitely ask, and show that I meant business, but no guarantees if it did end up in court - would depend a lot on the judge. So with her help I filed for D, drafted a new proposed settlement agreement, and at the same time got a court date set for Feb 2017.

The amount of money I spent overall on the lawyer and financial planner was shocking, but I needed to spend it, it helped me get out of this on a good footing, and empowered me, and could have been a lot more, honestly. Our main goal was to show that we were more than willing to go to court if needed, and at that point we'd have been in for tens of thousands more (each). And we very nearly ended up there. It went right down to the wire. We even did all the discovery, and hadn't agreed by the time of the preliminary hearing even.

It was a tough negotiation; however, we arrived at a number that I feel comfortable with - if I save most or all of the support I will be able to catch up on a moderate retirement nest egg. The biggest problem was trying to get H to agree that he should care at all about my retirement. He and the court only looked at support as (a) what do you need to live on monthly right now? (b) why do you need that much? and (c) how much less is that than what you earn monthly right now? If I lived right now on a break-even basis, and support ended in 2 years, I would be bankrupt in my early 70s. H still never saw that as his problem, and never saw it as a result of the career disadvantages I took to raise the kids, but he was finally willing to see another way to justify it - as back support for not having paid enough to keep me afloat over 4.5 years of separation while I paid all of the kids' expenses. Whatever it took to justify it to himself was fine with me.

Ultimately, I know I took a hit over the past 4.5 years but I'll be ok if I'm careful going forward...and he feels like he got screwed in one area but got away with something in another...so I think it is a fair outcome that we could live with.

It was very hard for me to take all those steps, when it was HIM that wanted the D in the first place. He was clearly never going to move, and I had realized by August that I was losing money and couldn't afford to keep living in our house. Something had to be done, and so I did it. I felt a lot of the time like I didn't deserve what I was asking for (he's very persuasive and strong in his opinions), that I was doing something wrong, that I wasn't smart enough to understand all the finances, that I was not going to be ok, and on and on...and had to really fight through all of that negative emotion.

Meanwhile I had to sell our house that I had loved, had to get everything fixed up, had to argue with H to get him to pay half of the repairs, I and the kids (mostly I) moved every scrap of furniture, stuff, junk, garbage, hardware, spare lumber, drywall leftovers, down to the last wingnut in the workroom. H did absolutely nothing to help with cleaning out our 16 years of stuff. He later claimed that he had given me all of that stuff by abandoning it for me to deal with, and tried to consider it financial payment to me. Argh. I was mad every step up the basement stairs carrying heavy loads, mad mad mad mad up the stairs for three months July August September.

My therapist, who I felt very close to and who helped me feel OK, retired in July, and I didn't find a replacement until much later. I really should have tried harder on that.

Meanwhile I got S off to college for his freshman year in August and worried about how we were paying for it. (We did ok! We're figuring it out as we go.) And missed him.

I sold the house in one weekend - yay! But couldn't find one to buy until the 11th hour. I ended up re-looking at a neighborhood I had ruled out, and it was a godsend. It was hard to downsize and I'm still struggling around excess furniture that needs to get sold or donated, and learning all the parts of homeownership that had been H's area of expertise before. But -
I love my new home. Love it. Love the neighborhood. It makes me happy every time I drive up to it.

The dogs did not do so well in the move. They've had a lot of behavioral issues that boil down to rapid cognitive decline, like dementia/Alzheimer's, for my older dog. There are dog fights, house soiling and destruction, confusion, anxiety, and best of all, no sleeping at night. With the relatively recent understanding of what's going on, we have medications to try.

I also, on top of everything, tore a tendon early in 2016, had surgery and was on a walker for 6 weeks and rehab for a few months, and am still kind of getting used to reduced functionality. That was depressing for me too even though I tried to have a good outlook. Oh and paying the bills for that was super fun.

In all of that I slipped a couple of times at work, where there would be days I know I was sitting at my desk all day but couldn't say what on earth I had done all that time. The first time was while I was trying to negotiate with H, get S to college, and sell the house. The second was right after moving in to the new house and dealing with the dogs and traveling for work and settling S16 in. I really missed having a helpful life partner.

All in all, I'm so glad it's all behind me and I am working hard to take lessons from it so I can handle what life is sure to continue to throw at me, while taking care of myself and not dropping the ball at work.

This has been rambly but I wanted to capture it here to close the book on my D journey. I got so much help from the DR book, the DB community, and the special group of DB'ers that I got more close to and even got to meet...it all really saved me in many ways. After 5 years or so, I am OK and going to be even better than OK, getting along with H, H getting along with the kids, and even understanding that getting a D wasn't the end of the world or even necessarily a bad thing. It was out of my control but I tried to make the best of what was in my control and become a better person from it. Hopefully I did, am doing, that.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Adinva,
I am at a similar stage to you, and I get that there are no winners in D, and everyone feels like they are getting $crewed. I think that is one of the harder things to reconcile, because if you are like me (and admittedly I don't know the exact details of your sitch), then you never asked for any of this and you have to cede control completely. I am waiting to hear back from the judge what the final settlement will be, but it does not look good. I suppose with this - and everything in life, indeed - we need to let go and let G-d. Nothing is truly in our control anyway. Regardless of what is thrown our way, we need to press forward.
I am glad that you feel good about it and that you have attained a measure of closure. I am still waiting. :\

Best,

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
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Hey Ghost,

I have followed with you from Newcomers. you're still standing.

Best,

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
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I have merged your two threads together since they are both under the 100 posting limit.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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OK job thanks!

Hi RAI - I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and hope the judge is fair to you.

I had started to feel like KNOWING what I would have, even if it was less than what I thought I needed, was something I could work with, and WONDERING what I would have was unbearably stressful. That was what finally got me out of the 2012-2017 limbo.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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