WW won't separate

[Natus]

Sort of out of the blue my W took a step back towards the R tonight. She apologized for the pain she's caused me. We also talked a little about the R. There was physical touch that hasn't taken place in months. She's still confused and in her fog but I can see a change. I'm guarding myself though as I want to see actions from her.

Somehow i dont believe you resolut and im saying this in the kindest way. Was there once, told myself the same things and still made the same mistakes.

I'm going to keep on with what I'm doing. Focusing on me and my life and happiness. I'm going to be kind and validating. I'm also going to be giving her more compliments here and there. I'm trying to evaluate what's not working and to try new 180s when I see them.

i think you are confusing validating with being a nice guy, you know the kind that gets trampled on. Suggest you re-read the LBS with WW again. Again i did the same things buddy, it [censored] but it takes awhile to get into the validate and detach groove.

[resolut]

i think you are confusing validating with being a nice guy, you know the kind that gets trampled on. Suggest you re-read the LBS with WW again. Again i did the same things buddy, it [censored] but it takes awhile to get into the validate and detach groove.

Natus, thanks. I will reread that and yes I'm probably being too much of a nice guy. I have been reading Blu's thread, etc. but I don't think I identify completely with the Nice Guy syndrome. I don't feel a need to be a people pleaser but that's over simplifying the whole thing I realize.

Also, you're probably right about there being no change. As the LBS its nearly impossible not to interpret everything even after knowing to guard against that. We're desperate for even the smallest glimmer of hope. Maybe I can take it as I need to detach more so that I'm not fooled into this situation again.

My weekend was about as good as it could get until after dinner on Sunday. Something about Mother's Day or birthdays can bring out an ugly and resentful side of my W. It is as if her expectations are incredibly high for these occasions and when her expectations aren't met 110% then everything and everyone is a failure. I failed to validate (from her standpoint) something much earlier in our marriage that came up and this brought a wave of resentment. Before that we had spent the weekend co-parenting through lots of activities with the kids and I was really enjoying myself. IT was a relief just to go to bed in separate bedrooms.

This morning I'm doing my best to pick up and move on from that.

[Natus]

I guess i'll leave you with a little something. Im at the point where i dont see her except for logistics around S and finances. Small talk here and there but infrequent. Anyhow i am 2 weeks away from Divorce and i just caught her (after many months) trying to peek into my life. This is from a woman that has reiterated many times she doesnt love me, or will love me again.

At this stage its just a mere observation for me, i literally dont care to figure out what she wants.

[resolut]

Hi Natus, thanks for that. You're much farther ahead of me in your journey. I respect how far you've been able to detach.

I'm reading a lot of other threads about the WS verbally abusing the LBS of being at fault for a terrible marriage. It helps to know this is common behavior. I know in my head that the marriage wasn't all terrible. She's justifying her terrible betrayal.

Tonight my W was very depressed and downcast. I asked if she wanted to talk about but didn't get much of a reply. At least something is happening inside of her.

For me I went on a 2 mile walk this morning then ran 3 miles at lunch and lifted. I'm feeling good and the weather here is spectacular. I've been back into photography too. Also spending a lot of time with my youngest daughter.

Need more 180s though.

[Natus]

For me I went on a 2 mile walk this morning then ran 3 miles at lunch and lifted. I'm feeling good and the weather here is spectacular. I've been back into photography too. Also spending a lot of time with my youngest daughter.

Need more 180s though.

You are doing them. Just keep going and have more moments where you are feeling good. There will be days that you wont feel so good and moments that can feel really bad. You will ride through them.

[resolut]

Well after 4 months of the A and being cavalier about it, my W broke down out of the blue yesterday sobbing. She told me she doesn't know what to do. Seems like she's afraid of being rejected by everyone if/when she is found out. Basically she's just hopeless. I didn't do much but listen and validate just a little. I mostly tried to follow the rule of if in doubt of what to say then say nothing. All I could say was she needs to go NC and that could be the start of seeing if we still have a chance.

Today is brutal hard for me though as now a crack has formed in her wall. All of my attraction to her has flooded back in. Clearly I need to keep on keeping on because whatever I had been doing was working. She's still a long way gone and there's a long way to go and I'm not getting my hopes up.

Anyone else who has been at this stage please hit me with advice.

[Natus]

Crack or not is the A still going on? She could be back with OM tomorrow for all you know.

I wouldn't jump back in unless she did the work for like months and i mean months.

[resolut]

A is still going on but may have cooled. She's making small steps right now towards me that are out of character. She's been so cavalier for 4 months.

I'm a total mess. I think I have to get away from her. Something inside of me just wants to ask her to have sex with me so I Can feel the rejection. Ugh this is awful. Feelings I had just after the BD are resurfacing and I thought I was past this.

[Jim1234]

So hard. Just remember, what you've been doing seem to be starting to pay off. Keep doing it. Stay strong.

[resolut]

I've recovered a bit in the past day. I can only accomplish things by going to God in prayer right now and staying constant in Him.

My W told me today that she's seeing an IC on Saturday. I could not be happier. After all the hardness and selfishness she's shown for four months, she's going to talk to someone. I'm guarding myself but at least she will be able to process things. She's still in contact with OM but I'm doing my best to ignore and not obsess over the A.

Journaling is helping me and taking meaningful photographs each day to remember and reflect. I've been doing some yard work and working on improving my running pace. I still have more work to do with GAL. Going camping this weekend with D10.