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Originally Posted By: Kaizen

So what are your personal boundaries? your W is in a PA with another man, and she still gets to sleep in your marital bed? Why are you having ^^ these conversations to begin with?


That's easier said than done from my standpoint. I have told her I want her to leave the MBR and move out. She refuses. Doesn't want to leave the children. I will continue to tell her these two things. Short of serving her with divorce papers myself, which I'm not yet willing to do, my options seem limited. this sort of stalemate must surely happen in other marriages.

I am definitely open to hearing of 180's though and perhaps I need to set more boundaries. I am staying strong and not giving her any ground. I know I was much weaker in the days when I found out about the PA and confronted her. The grieving and shock took some time to get over with and I made plenty of mistakes by pleading and pursueing. I'm taking steps to move into a more empowered role in the marriage now.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
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ILYBNILWY 1/30/17
PA confronted 3/6/17
Separated same house
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Quote:
Although I contributed to the affair from an emotional standpoint, she was the one to take the physical steps.


Good grief. You DID NOT. Don't try to take the blame for a cheater's actions. Period. Dude, you need to call it for what it is, and stop trying to blame yourself. She made the conscious decision. While your actions may have resulted in her wanting a divorce, she was checked out LONG before the affair happened. To think that you caused it is bullshite. And stop trying to justify her affair...that's the lowest thing a spouse can do to another.

Quote:
I think when you are 25 plus years into a relationship and have 4 kids it takes a long time to detach and reach the point where you can just walk away. Although I am ambivalent about the marriage, I currently sway more to being willing to accept her back and try to reconcile. Although, there would need to be serious steps taken to end the A and have no contact, etc.


10 years and two kids. Yep, takes a long time to detach. Why are you willing to overlook an affair?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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No I'm not taking any of the blame at all. Yes she definitely made the decision and continues to. And I agree 100% she was checked out years ago. It is so much easier to see that now. But of course she makes so many things up and blames everything on me.

All I am saying is that over the years there are things I was inadequate at and I do own those. But no I am not accepting responsibility in any way for the affair. I'm sorry if what I wrote in my earlier post made it sound that way. Thanks for insisting and setting the record straight though.

I never said I was willing to overlook the affair. I mean that I'm still at the point of being willing to try and work on the marriage through MC if she ends the affair. If I wasn't willing then I would just go and file for D today.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
4 children
ILYBNILWY 1/30/17
PA confronted 3/6/17
Separated same house
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Well my wife finally left the MBR on her own last night. I guess staying strong is working. She tried to give me so much guilt but I just let it bounce off.

I reminded her that I'm the one still in the marriage and she has left. My next 180 is to tell her I'm ready to move on her from her and work on a timeline for separation with her moving out.

I still feel like someone has punched me in the gut and I have no appetite but I know I am moving things in the right direction now instead of being weak like I was in my grief of the situation and betrayal.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
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PA confronted 3/6/17
Separated same house
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If a SAHM removes herself from the marital home, I do not support the idea of the LBH financing her lifestyle. Why should he pay for her to live apart from him while she enjoys not having the responsibility of working to provide for herself?

So, you confronted her about the PA. Did she say it would stop or that she did not want a divorce? Did she say anything, other than blaming you?

How old are your children?

Can you give us more marital history? Have either of you engaged in inappropriate behavior in the past?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
If a SAHM removes herself from the marital home, I do not support the idea of the LBH financing her lifestyle. Why should he pay for her to live apart from him while she enjoys not having the responsibility of working to provide for herself?

I agree. I am not paying for her to get her own place. I want her to get a job, her own bank account and manage her own budget, etc. Step one though is getting her out the door.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
So, you confronted her about the PA. Did she say it would stop or that she did not want a divorce? Did she say anything, other than blaming you?

When confronted about the A she would not stop it but said she wanted a divorce but more space in the meantime. I interpret that to mean she wants her cake eating and is not ready to leave her children or comforts. Like I said the next step is a conversation of me telling her I am moving on from her and she needs to move out and get her own place.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
How old are your children?

11, 17, 19, 23

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Can you give us more marital history? Have either of you engaged in inappropriate behavior in the past?

I have not but she had one PA over 10 years ago that she snapped right out of. Also, she was in an EA that I do not think turned PA but I could easily be wrong.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
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ILYBNILWY 1/30/17
PA confronted 3/6/17
Separated same house
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Hi - quick update on my situation. My wife has begun looking at apartments and doing so independently from me. I didn't expect this but I feel happy and relieved that she is doing this. We still need to collaborate on many things regarding this transition but I'm feeling positive. It will sure make the DB'ing much easier with her out of the picture. Easier to GAL and do things for myself and be a better father to my children.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
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PA confronted 3/6/17
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What are your ages? Who is she having an affair with? What is his status?

LH19 #2738642 04/12/17 09:33 AM
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We're both 46. He is 16 years older than her, divorced and has 3 college age to adult children.


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PA confronted 3/6/17
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My suggestion is make sure she understands that she is responsible for financing herself.

Be aware that she might want to use you to help out with whatever job she has in her new apartment (plumbing, electricity, carpentry, computer setup, fixtures, etc.) It's not a sure thing, but many W's have called their H to go over and "fix" whatever, b/c they are used to him filling that Mr. Fix-It" role.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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