I've been reading this forum and and off for the past few months. It has been of tremendous help. I thought I would post since my situation seems to have come to an impasse.
My wife and I are both 46, married for 25 years and have 4 children.
She is in an PA that I believe started in January and it is still ongoing. I confronted her outright about a month ago so it has been in the open since then.
I've been doing DB tactics and making plenty of mistakes along the way. I'm doing my best to GAL, take care of myself, stay strong and not plead with her to stop. However, I've tried a few times to suggest that she leave and we separate but she refuses. She insists on wanting her own space which is her code for i want to pursue the affair. Of course she has gone so far as to point out I should be the one to leave. I should be the one to give up the MBR.
At this point we are still sharing the MBR. Honestly it seems like it is worse for her but there is no way that I am leaving the MBR or getting my own place.
The situation is complicated by the fact that she has no job and too much time on her hands. She's idle and unhappy.
Can anyone give advice on how to improve the situation for me? How can I get her to leave the house in a dignified way? Yes at this point I still want her back and am willing to work on the marriage if she were to stop her affair and cease contact with the OM. However, I have faced my fears and I'm not afraid of separation or D.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Well since she doesn't have a job I feel like everything is enabling the affair. Gas, cell phone, etc. To set boundaries against those basics seems difficult but I'm willing to listen.
Our finances are so-so. A D would be devastating but we could find the money to rent a place for her right now. The next time she brings up the topic of suffocating and needing space I'm going to suggest I help her find her own place. She will push back but it seems like at some point she could break.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
The next time she brings up the topic of suffocating and needing space I'm going to suggest I help her find her own place.
resolut,
I can understand how treacherous her hollow life must be. She should probably find her own place. You could help her pack a suitcase and give her $20 for the Uber driver.
I'm going through something similar, though I don't have a quarter century invested in mine I feel for you, man.
My SAHM wife was the same way. Everything I did enabled her, though of course she didn't see it that way. After the bomb drop, I was doing literally EVERYTHING other than picking up our daughter from school. I felt like I was completely enabling her, with everything I did, and, of course, she had as much "space" as she needed to pursue the things she wanted from outside of the marriage.
She's out of the house now, and I'm still supporting her (around $800 a month between her and what I give her to take care of our daughter on the weekend). She still hasn't even seriously pursued a job.
I really don't think there is a good answer here short of some formal agreement. Good luck getting that, as she has no reason to change what she's doing.
I've been stuck in this for a month now since I confronted her with the proof I had of the PA. She won't leave she says because of the kids. She doesn't want to leave them.
I should also mention she blames me of endless failures over the past 25 years. I ever saw her. I always shamed her. She was never in love with me she says. Etc. I don't believe any of that and I'm doing what I can to not let it take me down but it hurts.
I'm seeing a counselor which helps immensely. All I can think of to do is stay strong and dig in my own heels. I know she is eating cake on me but she obviously has too much fear to leave. I haven't offered to work with her yet on leaving so perhaps that will help?
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
Definatly talk to a lawyer. Are you in a no fault state? Leaving has huge implications regarding kids and custody so I'm glad you're staying strong but sorry you're here.
Definatly talk to a lawyer. Are you in a no fault state? Leaving has huge implications regarding kids and custody so I'm glad you're staying strong but sorry you're here.
Yes we live in a no fault state. We've already decided we will do mediation if it comes to divorce.
I think I could be a lot better if she would leave.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
I feel for you, man.