Yes, once the unbearable pain subsides, I do think I'll be able to say I'm a stronger, better version of me. I'm so, so sad, and mad at myself for letting it go this long. I should have called it weeks ago. But he'd throw me just enough to keep me thinking he was coming around. Better to hurt now, than live with false hope. Right now, all I can do is lean into this hot, searing pain, and pray for morning to come.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
It [censored], and you feel like crap, but don't be so hard on yourself. DBing isn't a black and white thing. It's a philosophy, a handful of techniques to choose From, and personal application that is unique to you. No matter what similarities there may be, everyone has a unique situation.
What you have done has empowers yourself. Yes, it hurts, and you feel like crap. You have a H that is acting blind, deaf and dumb emotionally. Emphasis on dumb, I'd say!
You have a future in front of you. The possibilities are endless. It's not te future you thought you had a year ago, a month ago, a week ago, even a day ago. But it's yours, it's unwritten, and it will be truly fantastic, with all the uks and downs that go with it.
You're in a hard place, and you will have your lows, but don't let them rule you. Keep focusing on you. Keep on keeping on as they say. You've made a decision, you can stick with it and move forward. The only bad decision is no decision. If things change with your H in the future, you can change your plans. If they don't, you can carry on with your current plans. Or if you like, you can make new plans, every damn week. It's all up to you now, not him, not us here. Your future, your choices, your decisions, all in your wonderfully capable hands.
For now, rest, find some peace. I already know you have the strength.
Woke.
P.s. Remember, when you're feeling down, there's always the option of a throat punch!
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Woke, Thank you for the encouraging words. As evidenced by the fact that I am posting on this forum at 1:50AM my time, and not been able to go to sleep yet, I am in dire need of the "rest" part of your advice. Your words DO encourage me, and I'm going to sign off now with those thoughts floating through my head- the future is mine, and it's wide open with possibility. If I can just stop the tears so my nose will unstop so I can breathe. There, I actually laughed as I typed that. Night~
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Good night. I won't say sleep well, just sleep. The 'well' part will come later. See you on the flip side.
And you'll get my sweary opinions in the other place
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I am sorry you find yourself at this point. I understand where you are coming from, but tomorrow is a new day and you may feel differently. You may wake up and want to start fighting again. Who knows, but that is ultimately your choice.
The sad fact is that the majority of M's end in D. I know its hard to hear for most on this board, but unfortunately it is the truth. I have always believed that what I have learned here has made me a stronger person to realize, understand, and deal with this cold hard fact. I also believe that if I had not found this site then I would probably still be an emotional wreck. Yes, it is sad and you need to allow yourself some time to grieve, but keep DB'ing and someday the tears will subside...believe me. Things will get better and if you continue to apply the principles from what you have learned here then someday you will look back in shock of how far you have come.
Use DB to truly detach. Use it to better yourself, not to save your M, but to become the best leahsue you possibly can for you and you only. If it does come to D then you will be prepared and stronger to face such a challenge. If it doesn't come to that then you will already have the proper tools and knowledge to build a better MR.
Hang in there!
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Although I've felt envious at times of all the talking you've been doing, I also wonder if that meant that you got attached and had expectations of him. You've got that line about expectations in your signature and it sounds like his plans to come down set up an expectation in you. Which I think would happen to all of us if we weren't watching ourselves carefully.
If you still want to give it a shot, then the good news is that I don't see where he said anything discouraging to you. He couldn't talk to you the first time because he wasn't alone, and then texting is never a good way to talk about anything serious because it's so easy to read tone into it.
So, if you still want to leave the door open, I might consider sending a short follow up text that says something like "I'm sorry. I got emotional because I was looking forward to seeing you and now it sounds like that will be delayed. I shouldn't have taken it out on you because I know that's not your fault - it's work and they need you." and then leave it in his court.
And if he wanted to resume the talking, I'd really try to cut it down on my end and be less available for him. If you're busy GAL, then you shouldn't always be available when he wants to talk! I think that cutting down the frequency and being intermittently available, while also being positive when he talks to you would be a great thing. I would also try my hardest not to pursue him, in words or actions, to get him coming in your direction again.
This limbo is really tough. On one hand, it's like nothing's changed and you're talking frequently, so it's so easy to fall back into feeling like he's there for you and you're his priority. But you're not right now, and that's a painful thing to accept.
So take time - no rush - and figure out what you want to do at this juncture. Do you want to keep trying? Not keep trying but leave the door cracked open for him? Or not keep trying and close that door? Those are all your options. You're in control.
Yes, Cadence, he was calling and/or texting at least every other day, and I was caught somewhere between feeling encouraged, and trying to meet him where he was, and still practice some "unavailability". Over the weekend, he called several times, and although I answered on Sunday afternoon, I was at an outdoor concert and it was loud, so I said can I call you back? He was so nice and said sure, but I tried twice later that evening to call and he wouldn't answer. Then Monday I got a snarky text that said- I'll call later, if you're going to be available. That is so not like him. I think it ticked him off that I was unavailable. So, yes, what happened yesterday with me was just so much frustration in this push and pull, tug of war with my heart in the middle. I daresay it was easier when he was completely dark with me, at least in terms of knowing the best way to keep him at arms length, and yet be present enough to meet him halfway in the attempt to pick up a new relationship. You say I'm in control, and I understand that, but part of my frustration is that I feel like if I want a relationship with him, he still controls when and where. As I type that, I realize that I'm not doing DBing when I say those things, but as I said yesterday, I blew that anyway. I know today is a new day. And maybe I will text at some point and say the things you suggested, which all sounded very good, but right now, I'm just still too angry and tired. Today, I'm just trying to not overthink it all, but just read a new fiction novel I just got, just for the heck of it, love on my dog, walk with her, and just chill out. One day at a time. Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post in such a thoughtful way. It means a lot to me! I don't get a lot of feedback on here, and I think part of the reason may be exactly what you said- people may say, well she should just be thankful he's talking to her. The truth though, is I'm still hurting, and in many ways, more confused and needing guidance and suggestions than I was when all seemed hopeless.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
leahsue, I think Cadence's suggested email was great. However, if you are generally the one that reaches out or apologizes after a fight, maybe it would be a good 180 to let this sit with him. If you contact him, I'm afraid it will just be playing into the pursuer/distancer dance. I'm pretty sure it is much better to be the pursued.
