First time here part 2

[PsySara]

Hey Leah,
I find my resentment and anger starts to rise mostly when WH throws me crumbs and I have to keep from gobbling them up. IT ironic, when he's cold and mean I think of all the DBing strategies to "win" him back but when he softens I get filled with rage. My fantasy is to be faced with a devastated and remorseful H that has some sort of light bulb moment about the destruction he has wrought. However expectations breeds resentment, right. So I have to fund a way to detach and stop hinging my emotions on how he treats me. This has been an epic struggle as my fear of raising my children in split custody shadows me constantly.

So, like you, I need to work on finding peace within myself. I need to focus on what small changes I can make on myself to be more secure. I also need to cut myself some slack and let myself process my grief, my pain and even my anger. Am I hitting any nails?

[leahsue]

Thanks everyone. All of you said things I needed to hear. I'm getting back on my own road today, and it's going to be a good day!
(And yes, Sara, you hit some nails dead on- I love the way you worded the being thrown crumbs and fighting not to just gobble them up. That says it all. I want the whole cake, plus icing.)

[leahsue]

And whether is comes from the original bakery remains to be seen. Where I buy my cakes this time will be MY CHOICE.

[Dawgs]

And whether is comes from the original bakery remains to be seen. Where I buy my cakes this time will be MY CHOICE.

Freaking A, my friend!

[cadence]

Hi Leah,

You know, don't treat your anger and frustration and impatience as bad things. They are perfectly normal in this situation and the mere presence of them doesn't determine which way it will go (if you're just feeling them, if you're wielding them as weapons, then they absolutely can.)

I am still in a sad phase, and I say to my friends that have to listen to me "Don't think I'm weak because I'm feeling these. I acted in very strong yet compassionate ways, and he doesn't get to see my emotional weakness. But it's still there and I'm letting it out in a safe place."

That's what you're doing, too. You're feeling those feelings but they don't define you. and just feeling them doesn't mean you're acting upon them.

All the feelings can do is make you stronger. So use them for that. Because, guess what, you don't have to make any decisions right now (and that's bad news and good news!)

So stop worrying about what he will and won't do - easier said than done, I know - and you concentrate on you. You're going to live a happy life no matter what.

Personally, I have hope for you and H. Time passing is not a bad thing because it can help give perspective. You assume that he's not in pain like you are with this passing time, but he very well may be. You don't know.

Walk that tightrope so that you are moving on without moving on. You can't get your relationship back without H's willful participation, so you don't have to make decisions now. When that day comes, you'll be further on that tightrope and you'll have a better sense of what you want for yourself.

The time to make decisions is NOT when emotions are flowing like they're on a roller-coaster (someone tell that to our H's...)

Allow yourself to fully feel the negativity and then let it go. If it comes again, do the same thing. You won't always feel like this and the future is yet to be determined.

[leahsue]

Hey friends,
Just a thought that I wanted to share with everyone on this site, for whatever reason you happen to find yourself here for~ I realize that I ended that sentence with a preposition, which is a big NOT among us teachers, so I will rephrase and say, "to find yourself here for, BIT$H."
THERE, that ended with a noun. LOL.


This comes from a dear friend, mentor and genuine person- Glennon Melton- concerning Easter.

"Good Friday means that Life Hurts.
Saturday means that if we wait and hope and keep vigil,
Easter Sunday will come to prove that Love Wins.
Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
Pain, Waiting, Redemption.
It's the greatest story ever told and that is because we ALREADY KNOW IT. It's the story of our lives, our days, our bodies, our relationships, and every flower and tree.
If it's Friday for you, keep breathing.
If it's Saturday for you, keep waiting and watching.
If it's Easter for you, NOTICE AND REJOICE AND TELL ABOUT IT.
Keep Easter tucked in your heart to pull back out and remember when Friday comes again.
DO NOT BE AFRAID when it's Friday or Saturday.
Remember that Sunday always comes.
Easter is always, always on its way.
That's the Good News.
For EVERYBODY!"


You friends have saved me from myself. I hope this Easter weekend finds you all better, stronger people than when you came, and if not, at least more well-loved people, because there is so much of that going around this place. God bless us all.

[Tryin2figuritout]

You are a trip, Leahsue. Happy Easter to you too!!!

[leahsue]

Hi everyone,
I haven't posted in a while, mainly because there's nothing really new to update. H calls or texts every few days, and slowly over time little things creep in, (from him) like "I miss you." His big office move is this weekend, so he is crazy busy these last few weeks. He still plans a trip here in May, but no dates yet. I think he'll book his flight after this weekend, once he sees how the move goes. Remember now, this is a guy who has 2 years of community college and since then has mainly done his own labor in owning his own small business, and worked hard physical labor. Now he's in charge of a multi-million dollar budget, and moving an office of 70 employees who work for him, from one state to another. No wonder he's in a MLC. As far as I can tell, from 1,000 miles away, he has done an amazing job, and has the respect of the office, which is to me the biggest thing, but also of the big dogs over him, who took a chance on him to begin with. IMHO, it has come at a huge cost to him, (meaning nearly losing me), but that remains to be seen. ANYWAY, he texted me Monday morning on his ferry ride to work at 6 (5 my time- LOL) and said "Good morning, sunshine. I hope you have a wonderful day. Finally countdown to the big move. I can't wait to come down and see all the neat things you've done to the house." (???) I'm trying not to mind read, but to me that sounds more like, I can't wait to see you- just safer to word it that way. Anyway, the whole Good morning sunshine was like a fresh wind that blew through b/c I had forgotten that's what he used to say all the time. It had been so long since he's said it, that I'd forgotten to even miss it. We will see.
On my end, I've been busy. Still going to exercise~ although I don't think I'll ever really love it~ but I know it's good for me. Meeting friends and going to things- movies, out to dinner, outdoor concerts, etc. And today I contacted 3 volunteer positions that interest me. I go to training session Thursday for Meals on Wheels, but the one that totally captured my attention was a home for children of female inmates. I have said for the last 20 years, when I retire, I want to just find a place to rock babies. Well, in the ad for this place, they actually say- rock babies. I'm in contact with them, so I'm really hoping that will pan out. H texted me at 5 AM today on his way to work, and I was actually awake (reading posts on this forum!) b/c I just couldn't sleep. He said I hope you have a good day and can I call you later. (??? not sure why he had to ask- but anyway) I said sure, and I hope you have a good day. THEN I SAID- I'm starting work today at a home for kids of inmates, so maybe I'll get to finally rock those babies. NO RESPONSE and NO CALL YET. It just dawned on me that although I meant I start a volunteer job, maybe he thought I meant I've taken a job, without mentioning it to him, which would seriously cut into my free time to be available to whatever his picture of the next year may look like for us. It will be interesting to see how this also plays out. Oh well. It's about time he started wondering how my decisions may affect him, instead of the other way around.
Although I haven't posted, I'm trying to keep up with all the regulars and also read up on the new people here. Hang in there everyone. We got this.

[cadence]

Hi Leah,

This all sounds really positive. I'm happy that you seem to be doing well.

In your last few posts, it seems like you struggle when he reaches out, because you get a little hit of closeness, but then when you process that it's just a little hit, you feel hurt and resentful.

Keep those expectations in check. Remember that no matter what happens, you are enough and you will be happy.

Great about the volunteer job. It sounds really nice. I hear that volunteering has s lovely side effect of helping you to realize that your life is actually pretty good!

And great on leaving H wondering. I think you can clarify that it's just a volunteer gig next time you talk to him.

Thinking of you!

[Tryin2figuritout]

Leahsue,

It does sound good, but definitely keeping those expectations in check is helpful. I find myself get really weak when I make the least bit vulnerable to my situation. I try to keep those feelings stuffed or else the see-saw of emotions comes out.

It's still all about you first and holding that line 24/7 can be difficult. Like you said "we got this" and I know you do.

Have a great day!!