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Jim1234 #2742769 05/10/17 09:16 AM
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My situation is different because my H has no involvement in the day-to-day of the kids and sees and talks to them very little (except during touch and gos).

Is anyone addressing why your son is not doing well in school? Could it be that his parents are having marital problems and he feels like this is an area where he can exercise control or show you guys how hurt he is. I personally don't like the idea of grounding in this situation. Maybe he needs extra support. Is anyone sitting down with him while he does the work? Is he seeing a counselor? If not, maybe he should.

You can't go NC or dark with kids. You can go dim. Strictly business. Keep it to the kids, the house and the D when she brings it up. Don't kid yourself and use the kids as an excuse to contact her. I think I did this in the beginning. Mine could offer nothing during those times so I just stopped telling him entirely, even when it involves big things.

OwnIt #2742854 05/10/17 05:46 PM
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I'm very involved in the day-to-day. I enjoy it tremendously, and my W's physical ailments made it kind of necessary anyway.

We are trying to address it. Keeping closer track of homework assignments, signed him up to see his school counselor, etc.

Thank you for the advice. I'm trying to do as you suggest. I don't contact her unless it's for the kids.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2743395 05/15/17 06:22 PM
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OwnIt, my son's doing much better. Got a number of huge assignments completed, and his stress level plummeted. He got some late homework assignments done, and is doing much better in school and emotionally.

For the collective consciousness... If you're trying to have no contact, and go dark, how do you all handle social situations to which your spouse is also invited? Do I go dark by not showing up? Do I go and let her see how unaffected I am? Do I quietly slip away if she joins the two or four people I'm talking to?


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2744036 05/20/17 10:58 PM
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W is on a trip. Her mother is visiting, and in W's new house alone while I have the kids. We are very fond of each other. I let the kids stay and keep her company Thursday, and took her to lunch on Friday, and had her over for dinner Friday night. She didn't want to come over Saturday.

MIL doesn't think I put a whole lot of effort into our marriage. During W's disability, I was working my a$$ off nursing her, cleaning, child rearing, working, shopping, chauffering, cooking, laundering....... for years and years with no help. Didn't bother me; that's what I am supposed to do. (I had typed a long missive detailing my efforts, but deleted it as not important to the overall point) When W's health improved, she still didn't help very much. Eventually, about 3 years ago, I just quit doing it all. MIL had things going on her life and could only visit very infrequently, so she didn't see the years of effort, just the time when I got fed up and stopped doing everything, and began to do as little as W. So her impression is that I sat on my a$$ all day playing on the computer.

I'm not sure why, maybe I'm looking for validation outside myself or something, but I like and respect her and I would like her to have a high opinion of me. I suggested, if she has the opportunity, to talk to some of our friends, and see if they share her impression (they won't).


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2744045 05/21/17 05:31 AM
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Jim,

Totally understand the need for validation from your MIL. She probably does internally but has a hard time not fully supporting her daughter. Like she does not want you to be a good thing your W is leaving.

You know the truth and you must rely upon that. If she had a better or worse opinion of you, what does that matter in the end? People think what they want and the only thing you can do is worry about how you react to it. Let it drag you down or brush it off.

It's only important on how you can rest your head on your pillow every night. Who is Jim and how does he live his life?

From what I've seen on here, Jim's a great father, husband and man who wants to do right for his family. Just my 2 cents.

All the best.


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13
Reconcile: 07/07/13
Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17
Apartment Life: 04/21/17
PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
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So I've been trying to detach, GAL, NC, move on... having a hard time detaching, though.

A friend mentioned though how she seems to turn to me for emotional sustenance, ie, she calls me every few days not just to talk about the kids, but to just talk and vent, and my friend is not sure how healthy that is for me, and I get that. How do I detach when she keeps calling? Or do I take her calling as a good thing and not stress over it? How can I move on emotionally, and still leave the door open for her?


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2745801 06/05/17 09:52 AM
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Jim,

I have not read your entire thread, however I wanted to say I'm sorry you find yourself here. There are wonderful people here and it's a good place to be in a bad situation.

In regards to your MIL, it's understandable that you're seeking validation from someone. However, please remember this-and this is incredibly difficult for many people to digest. People think what they think. All you can do is be the best you can be. It's pointless to try to convince or cajole people into believing x. Focus on being the best person you can and authentic to yourself. And that is what people will see. How they interpret that is up to them.

Hang in there!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Journaling, but comments and thoughts are welcome.....

I just got home from a graduation party for a friend's kid. My STBXW was there with our kids. Didn't talk to her, not because I was avoiding her, but just because we didn't bump into each other while mingling. Got tired, said goodbye to the hosts, some friends, and said goodbye to the group she was chatting with. As I was leaving, she said very pointedly "Hey, Goodbye!" like she was miffed I didn't specifically say goodbye to her.
I said, "what? I just said goodbye to everyone..." I gave her a second to reply; she didn't say anything I turned around and left.

I realized, though, that I hadn't said goodbye to S and D, so I walked back thru the party said goodbye to D, couldn't find S, so passing STBXW, asked her to say goodbye for me and I left.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2746829 06/14/17 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted By: Jim1234
For the collective consciousness... If you're trying to have no contact, and go dark, how do you all handle social situations to which your spouse is also invited? Do I go dark by not showing up? Do I go and let her see how unaffected I am? Do I quietly slip away if she joins the two or four people I'm talking to?


I think you show up if you want to show up, but not because of an obligation for her or your MR but because of your own personal preference. I don't think you need to be rude or go out of your way to avoid her, because that's not true detachment if you're basing your actions off of her. Instead, enjoy yourself-that can be a positive attractive force.

Originally Posted By: Jim1234
So I've been trying to detach, GAL, NC, move on... having a hard time detaching, though.

A friend mentioned though how she seems to turn to me for emotional sustenance, ie, she calls me every few days not just to talk about the kids, but to just talk and vent, and my friend is not sure how healthy that is for me, and I get that. How do I detach when she keeps calling? Or do I take her calling as a good thing and not stress over it? How can I move on emotionally, and still leave the door open for her?


You could respond to some calls, but don't feel the need to drop everything to pick up the phone. I think it's ok to talk for a while, but be the first to end the call. I'm no expert but I don't think it's a bad thing that she calls. But you want to set boundaries you are comfortable with. That's me balancing act is hard-detach for yourself but keep the path of return home smooth.

trainer #2748270 06/25/17 02:05 AM
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journaling, but comments/suggestions are welcome....

We've had some nice conversations. She dropped off something my daughter needed and stayed to chat for about an hour. Another time we talked about money, usually contentious, but we both kept it pleasant.

Yesterday I mentioned I was inviting some mutual friends up to the community pool for pizza and beer in the evening. She said she had planned to text the same friends to meet at a local pub, but the pool thing sounded fun. I invited her along, and decided to make a party of it and invited three more couples. Had a really nice time, and when the pool closed, invited everyone back to my house to sit by the fire pit in my backyard. Very nice night, no drama, but with 10 people here, there wasn't any real interaction between us either, which was fine with me.

On a side note, went on a date on Friday. Pleasant evening, and we both agreed we're interested in just dating casually.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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