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25yearsmlc #2739978 04/21/17 10:31 AM
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
don't get bogged down in one conversation or gesture. There are no "Right words said in the correct order" that will change your w.

You cannot solve her puzzle. Leave her to it.

Jim - This is extremely important. Think of the Serenity Prayer and the wisdom to know what you can and cannot control. Detaching from this can really free you and the work you have to do on yourself.

Like Doodler said too, just learn from your mistakes on right/wrong words. They're just words and remember it took a while to get in your sitch and you're not going to get out of it or make it worse with a slip of a few words.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I think you are making more progress than you realize.

I agree with 25 here. This is a marathon and not a sprint and awareness is key. You've identified many things that we all naturally have gone through in this process.

Hope you have a great weekend.


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13
Reconcile: 07/07/13
Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17
Apartment Life: 04/21/17
PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
25yearsmlc #2740036 04/21/17 07:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Not sure what state/jurisdiction you are in, or where this^^ issue stands at the moment.

But a lot of these types of issues will continue. My suggestion is to go whatever the law says, and not try to make new "JIM" law. And don't let your w act as if you fought something to the Supreme Court...there's usually a formula and that's that.

In other words, the court can see reality better than your w, and I'd just let the cards fall there they fall. (I assume you have a L, right? If not, get one. Do not con yourself into thinking having a L is "too expensive" when money or kids are issues).

And where are the kids going to want to spend time, at their home, or with the "not depressed, inactive chain smoker"?

Just curious.


Thank you very much for your input and thoughts.

The tax refund I've decided I will use to pay off our credit card debt. It would have been nice to pocket the whole thing, but that's probably not legal.

I do have a lawyer. Wouldn't think of doing this without one, bloodsuckers though they are.

Frankly, though, they'll probably spend time at her house, 'cause I actually have rules in this one, and there, they will be able to do pretty much whatever they want.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Thornton #2740038 04/21/17 07:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: Thornton
Jim,

Remember that one mistake will not make or break your sitch. Learn from it.

Honestly, I think W living elsewhere will be good for both of you. For starters, it will give you some much needed breathing room. Second, it will give her the opportunity to be alone with her thoughts and she just might start to miss you.


Amen. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and keeping my spirits up.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
25yearsmlc #2740039 04/21/17 07:55 PM
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
[quote=Jim1234][/color]
My guess, which is all that it is, is that your w lacks insight and is on a journey of her own making. The unresolved marital issues (you mentioned having troubles for some time)

and her own "inner stuff", seem to have taken a toll. Her choices have mixed themes in them, including some self destructive ones. Anyone with that much pain and that many surgeries who still smokes, is not placing a high value on their health.

I don't know what choice you have. So maybe you can embrace the fact that she is now released to her own journey and her own discoveries and so are you.

My guess is that she will not enjoy some of her discoveries, b/c the grass is greener where you water it most. She's clearly depressed but that's not your problem anymore. When someone chooses not to get help and isn't incompetent, it's like being married to an alcoholic who won't quit drinking AND wants out of the m.

IF there is a chance for a restored m, it won't be by you fighting this. It'll be by her own painful "task" and I would release her to this task. She clearly sees it as a mission she must achieve or...or...or whatever.

[color:#000099]Thank you for reminding me of all this. I need to keep remembering it.

From what you say yourself, the marriage has not met your needs for some time as well.

Sometimes it's really hard to accept that part of our own journey is asking what we are fighting for.

Is it to "win", (and not feel rejected, protect our egos)

or to stay m to this particular spouse in this pattern of behavior.

I suspect you will discover the answer to this^^ after your w is out of the house and you are better able to GAL and Detach.

I don't know how to detach without GAL, so I think your progress there is great.

As for dating OWs

I would not while she's in the home no matter what SHE says. Your kids are there, for one thing and it's weird, for another.

She's leaving soon enough...then do as your heart says. You are right to consider the women you'd date too. Just be honest about what you can really give. Most therapists urge newly single people to NOT marry the first person you date, b/c it's reactive.

That's good advice. Thank you.

But that is down the road...for now, GAL and be there for your kids b/c they need to see you model a healthy lifestyle, even in the face of heartbreak.

They will face heartbreak too, and you will be the anchor, their rock. You will be the counter point to someone who is evidently surrendering to a downward coast to the end...

They are watching you more than you know. I'm so glad you are their dad. Thank you for that. That means a lot to me.

((( )))


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2740095 04/22/17 08:13 AM
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hoping you're doing well. Know that you're never alone in you journey no matter where it leads you


BD Oct 2016
Me 47, W 43
together 25 years
S 25, D 22
Sjs777 #2740303 04/24/17 05:59 AM
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I had to go to Denver for work this weekend. She said she would move out while I was gone. Bittersweet. Sorry to see her go, but happy to be moving out of limbo. Real rollercoaster. Friday I was upset, Saturday feeling a little better, Sat night upset again, but felt better as Sunday progressed, and I was even somewhat optimistic as I drove home from the airport.

I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and picked up two pints of ice cream and chocolate bars. I was going to allow myself to wallow in my misery and mourn until going to play golf this afternoon, then pick myself up and get on with my life tomorrow. I drive down the street about 8 pm. and there's a Uhaul in front of my house. "OK, she must be just finishing up", I thought. I walk inside and the house is a mess of half packed stuff, but some large furniture is gone. I poke my head into her room and just say I'm home. She says she's "so exhausted." Spent some time with my kids, went to bed.

After having prepared myself to come home to an empty, lonely house, I'm upset that she's still here, and will either pack up in front of me, or leave the house a mess until I go away again next weekend. There is a long list of things I had planned to do to the house after she left that now has to wait another week. I'm still hurt, angry, disappointed, sad....


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2740470 04/24/17 07:08 PM
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its stories such as yours that remind me I'm not alone, and as dire as my situation may be i find comfort in an alliance of DB troopers. Ive come so far, yet still on my journey. I only hope you find similar comfort in the same


BD Oct 2016
Me 47, W 43
together 25 years
S 25, D 22
Sjs777 #2740479 04/24/17 07:21 PM
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for me the greatest challenge at times is to realize all the change i have experienced and learned, yet becoming distant and almost passive with no significant tangible gains in our relationship challenges my perception of my efforts on occasion, and yes i understand it assists me in being the best me, but that would have been true many months ago as well.

I also find that in applying all that I learned I feel I've reached an impasse, almost a though i should be trying something new


BD Oct 2016
Me 47, W 43
together 25 years
S 25, D 22
Jim1234 #2740588 04/25/17 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted By: Jim1234

I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and picked up two pints of ice cream and chocolate bars. I was going to allow myself to wallow in my misery and mourn until going to play golf this afternoon, then pick myself up and get on with my life tomorrow. I drive down the street about 8 pm. and there's a Uhaul in front of my house. "OK, she must be just finishing up", I thought. I walk inside and the house is a mess of half packed stuff, but some large furniture is gone. I poke my head into her room and just say I'm home. She says she's "so exhausted." Spent some time with my kids, went to bed.


Hello Jim1234,

I hope she isn't expecting you to help her pack or move.

Putting the tax return towards the mutually accrued credit card debt sounds very responsible.

What are you telling the kids? Michele has written an excellent article and I am happy to send you the link for free, of course.

The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Cristy #2741120 04/28/17 07:27 AM
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Cristy, if you could send me that article regarding the kids, I'd appreciate it. And I'll probably call when I return from China in a week.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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