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Jim1234 #2739887 04/20/17 09:14 PM
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I agree, you're handling it really well. You said earlier you thought I was doing a better job at GAL, but it doesn't FEEL like it. So I know how you feel.

Btw Sjs777, PMs are disabled here. It's a little frustrating, but it's their place and their rules, so I get it.


M-32 W-32 (both military)
T-8 M-6
PA Oct/Nov 16 (happened twice)
Discovered PA 11/30/16
S 12/1/16
MC 12/1/16 - 1/18/17
BD 1/18/17
A continues? 1/24/17 texts resume with W & OM
W Filed 3/8/17
W Deploys 7/17
Jim1234 #2739889 04/20/17 09:17 PM
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I'm not sure any one of us has the answer, but only suggestions or a potentially different perspective. I sometimes feel the one unspoken and undefined variable is time and timing. Its very tough to tell when or if time may change things.

The one thing i keep in the back of my mind is that in time i hope to look back and say i did all i could and came through the other side a better man, with or without her

I will also say that, although I don't know you, I am here should you just need to vent. You can never have too many means of support through this all


BD Oct 2016
Me 47, W 43
together 25 years
S 25, D 22
180Man #2739891 04/20/17 09:18 PM
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thats cool, no problem. I respect the rules


BD Oct 2016
Me 47, W 43
together 25 years
S 25, D 22
180Man #2739894 04/20/17 09:26 PM
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what i meant to say is i didn't know how, if at all to start a new public post


BD Oct 2016
Me 47, W 43
together 25 years
S 25, D 22
Sjs777 #2739897 04/20/17 11:07 PM
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Originally Posted By: Sjs777
what i meant to say is i didn't know how, if at all to start a new public post


How to start a thread

I will use what Job wrote


First Click on Newcomers then:
Originally Posted By: job
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting. It's the same way that you created this thread.


Plus How to link your threads

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2588047#Post2588047


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2739955 04/21/17 09:26 AM
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I was weak.

She is moving out tomorrow. I asked to talk to her for a minute. We needed to talk about money, but then, thinking it would be easier if she was still in the house, I said if she had any interest left in saving our marriage, I had an idea (basically using DB's idea of explicitly stating what we wanted from the other to build some good will, and then building on that) that might help, but would still be workable if she moved out. I didn't mention the specifics.

The conversation went basically no where. The eternal optimist in me says maybe I planted an idea that will bear fruit, but the practical side of me says I screwed up.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2739958 04/21/17 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted By: Jim1234
I am trying not to argue, but I could use a little advice. She is moving out this weekend, and keeps bringing up support. My pay has decreased, and she's not going to get as much support as she thinks she will. How do I validate her point of view, and still say "No way."

Also, she had her paycheck deposited into a separate account from our joint account from which we pay the household bills, in anticipation of moving out and needing her own money. How do I get her to contribute to what is still our joint household without causing a huge fight about money?

One more thing.... we're due a substantial tax refund. She contributed about 5% of our tax bill, and I paid the rest. I know she's going to want 50% of our refund, which will give her 10 times more than she paid in taxes. How do I avoid this minefield? What have others in our situation done?

thanks



Not sure what state/jurisdiction you are in, or where this^^ issue stands at the moment.

But a lot of these types of issues will continue. My suggestion is to go whatever the law says, and not try to make new "JIM" law. And don't let your w act as if you fought something to the Supreme Court...there's usually a formula and that's that.

In other words, the court can see reality better than your w, and I'd just let the cards fall there they fall. (I assume you have a L, right? If not, get one. Do not con yourself into thinking having a L is "too expensive" when money or kids are issues).

And where are the kids going to want to spend time, at their home, or with the "not depressed, inactive chain smoker"?

Just curious.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Jim1234 #2739959 04/21/17 09:36 AM
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Jim,

Remember that one mistake will not make or break your sitch. Learn from it.

Honestly, I think W living elsewhere will be good for both of you. For starters, it will give you some much needed breathing room. Second, it will give her the opportunity to be alone with her thoughts and she just might start to miss you.

Jim1234 #2739964 04/21/17 09:46 AM
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Originally Posted By: Jim1234
I was weak.

She is moving out tomorrow. I asked to talk to her for a minute. We needed to talk about money, but then, thinking it would be easier if she was still in the house, I said if she had any interest left in saving our marriage, I had an idea (basically using DB's idea of explicitly stating what we wanted from the other to build some good will, and then building on that) that might help, but would still be workable if she moved out. I didn't mention the specifics.

The conversation went basically no where. The eternal optimist in me says maybe I planted an idea that will bear fruit, but the practical side of me says I screwed up.



My guess, which is all that it is, is that your w lacks insight and is on a journey of her own making. The unresolved marital issues (you mentioned having troubles for some time)

and her own "inner stuff", seem to have taken a toll. Her choices have mixed themes in them, including some self destructive ones. Anyone with that much pain and that many surgeries who still smokes, is not placing a high value on their health.

I don't know what choice you have. So maybe you can embrace the fact that she is now released to her own journey and her own discoveries and so are you.

My guess is that she will not enjoy some of her discoveries, b/c the grass is greener where you water it most. She's clearly depressed but that's not your problem anymore. When someone chooses not to get help and isn't incompetent, it's like being married to an alcoholic who won't quit drinking AND wants out of the m.

IF there is a chance for a restored m, it won't be by you fighting this. It'll be by her own painful "task" and I would release her to this task. She clearly sees it as a mission she must achieve or...or...or whatever.

From what you say yourself, the marriage has not met your needs for some time as well.

Sometimes it's really hard to accept that part of our own journey is asking what we are fighting for.

Is it to "win", (and not feel rejected, protect our egos)

or to stay m to this particular spouse in this pattern of behavior.

I suspect you will discover the answer to this^^ after your w is out of the house and you are better able to GAL and Detach.

I don't know how to detach without GAL, so I think your progress there is great.

As for dating OWs

I would not while she's in the home no matter what SHE says. Your kids are there, for one thing and it's weird, for another.

She's leaving soon enough...then do as your heart says. You are right to consider the women you'd date too. Just be honest about what you can really give. Most therapists urge newly single people to NOT marry the first person you date, b/c it's reactive.

But that is down the road...for now, GAL and be there for your kids b/c they need to see you model a healthy lifestyle, even in the face of heartbreak.

They will face heartbreak too, and you will be the anchor, their rock. You will be the counter point to someone who is evidently surrendering to a downward coast to the end...

They are watching you more than you know. I'm so glad you are their dad.

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
25yearsmlc #2739966 04/21/17 09:51 AM
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PS

don't get bogged down in one conversation or gesture. There are no "Right words said in the correct order" that will change your w.

You cannot solve her puzzle. Leave her to it.

And be respectful, kind and strong for your kids and yourself. So, IF IF IF your wife snaps out of her long long funk, AND IF she gets help

then you can post here and we'll all chime in to help.

I would accept that she is leaving soon. Doesn't mean you'll never see her again or ever feel loved again or that she won't want to return,

but the chances of that^^ are more likely if you just let her go,

and the chances of you being happy are higher if you GAL, Detach and heal.

Don't obsess about all the possible outcomes...you have no control over her own journey.

Just your own. I think you are making more progress than you realize.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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