IMy first thought is to tell her no f%#@ing way, but I'm asking the cooler heads on the board for input....
Jim,
I'm a no f%#@ing way kind of guy. So yep, that's what I'd do. But, you ultimately have to decide that for yourself based on your circumstances.
That was my 180 of sorts; I went from being an easy going, laid-back husband to being tough as nails. I really needed that for myself. I'd set a boundary, and if she tried stepping over it, I'd just raise it higher. I needed to show her that I could match her and raise the stakes. But, that doesn't mean that it's the right approach in your situation. [Subliminal message: She's been playing you; it's time to put a stop to that.]
[quote][Subliminal message: She's been playing you; it's time to put a stop to that.] [/quote]
Yep.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
How did showing tough love work out for you guys? Did it bust your divorces or just help you get on with your lives?
Jim,
Yes, I think tough love has worked well for me in my situation. But, it was as much for me as it was to try to save the marriage (I'm now divorced). For many years I'd allowed my wife to rule the roost. I wasn't a complete pushover, but I never wanted to raise the ire of my wife knowing that she could make life miserable if she wanted to.
Like many of the spouses who come to this forum, I allowed fear to reign. I think losing the fear is the key more so than tough love. Once you truly lose fear, it's much easier to navigate and do what's best for yourself and your family.
Couldn't agree more. Fear of rocking the boat, mountains out of molehills, etc. just end up making you weak and weak ends up making one not all that attractive. You think you're doing good by not stirring up stuff, but in the end its way way worse than you could imagine.
One thing I've learned recently is trying to letting go of all attachment to outcome. When you think of outcome first, you're not doing for you, but others. I'm not saying to ignore others, but thinking of outcome makes you more walk on eggshells than just being.
Of course, this is all in my head and haven't really put into production, but we're warming it up buttercup!!!
Best of luck Jim.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
I agree with the others, Jim. Giving or not giving her $2 grand to help her leave you won't make her love you or not. It won't save or break your marriage. Do what you feel is "the next right thing". Personally I would not spend 2 grand to fund something that benefits only her and promotes her new "freedom" from you. But that's your call. If you only act based on what you think it will do to save your marriage, it's not going to help you grow stronger as a person who is prepared for either ending. Make decisions that will make you a stronger, better man, with no thoughts of how they affect W. You are on this road alone right now. She's on a different road in her own car. She should have planned how she was going to pay for her own gas, oil changes, etc.. before she bought the car. Hang in there and keep posting. This is a great place to air out your thoughts and get perspective. We are here for you.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
How did showing tough love work out for you guys? Did it bust your divorces or just help you get on with your lives?
Bust our divorces? Not at all. Maybe helped get on with my life. It's been a month now and I haven't been this good or happy in a long time.
She made her road. She decided to cheat, and once someone has done that and proven untrustable, then divorce isn't a problem. Not at all.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
So Friday, we attended our daughter's poetry reading. We had different things to do before and after (GAL) so we didn't go together, but enjoyed ourselves there.
Saturday, my plans fell thru, so I met mutual friends (a couple) downtown for drinks and dinner. They had invited others to come, but only one showed up, an attractive single woman, so it kind of seemed like a double date. Anyway, later, my wife, who was also invited, showed up, had some drinks with us, and drove us all home. Very pleasant evening, no drama.
The only thing weird was that when she was outside the bar smoking, she asked my friend whether she was a fifth wheel on a double date, and he said "no".
I don't know what it means; it probably doesn't mean anything.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Went out for beers with a friend on Friday. He offered the opinion that she may be so slow to move out because she realizes she's made a mistake, but can't figure out how to back out of it without looking foolish or losing face.
Had a good Easter weekend. W was on a trip overseas for a few days, so she wasn't in the picture. Took my kids to my parents' for Easter weekend, had a good time with the family. My birthday was Saturday, and she sent me a text wishing me happy birthday.
She came home Sunday. As dinner was breaking up, my kids were going with their cousins to a movie, and W called my son. She asked him to ask me to call her. I did a few hours later. Had a nice conversation. She asked about dinner and the family, how was the weekend, etc. I was cordial and forthcoming, but I didn't ask about her trip, and was the first to say "time to go".
Still trying......
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
