Married 23 years, together 26, two kids, boy 17, girl 15. I was told she wanted a divorce in July '16, and she filed immediately. She has talked about it for a long time, but finally made the decision. She says we want two different things in marriage. I want a companion, friend, confidante, lover; she says she just doesn't ever see wanting a physical relationship with anyone ever again. She wants me to find someone that will make me happy, and fulfill my needs. She bought a house in Dec, and is moving out imminently. We've been through years of counseling, but she doesn't want to go any more. She says she has no desire to reconcile (I know, believe none of what you hear and half of what you see....).
We had a good marriage for a long time, but issues with her smoking, her deteriorating health (9 surgeries in the last 8 years.... bunion surgery gone horribly wrong), her fibromyalgia, her depression, her “putting the minimum effort into marriage I can get away with until things improve between us”, her putting kids first-marriage last, her withdrawing into back room/garage for 23 hrs/day to smoke (she didn't smoke in the house, but set up a little smoking area in the garage, with a heater, table, chair, 'fridge, outlets for cell and laptop until she got pissed at me one day two years ago and moved into a bedroom in the back of the house. She stays there literally all day, except for bathroom, food, or when she goes out. She claims not to be depressed...”I've been depressed and know what it's like. I'm not depressed, and can't wait to get out of this room”).... put a serious strain on our marriage. Recent money troubles haven't helped. I'm not blaming her, just giving background.
I don't mean to imply that it's her fault. It's not. I admit, there were times during her depression that I was not as supportive as she needed me to be, but I was absolutely as supportive as I could possibly be. There are times I was not as respectful as I could have been. She also feels I have been controlling, and to a certain extent, I have. I have tried to validate how she feels. I realize I've given her what I want, not necessarily what she wants, thinking it was the same thing.
I know “time is my friend.” I've tried a lot of the techniques in DB and DR. I don't pursue anymore, no more gifts, I'm getting a life, I've done the 180 in every way I can think would be helpful. We get along fairly well, even go out together with friends, don't really fight or argue, but she doesn't want to stay and work on our marriage. We talk, but mostly just about the logistics of running the house, and who's going to drive the kids around. As I said during counseling, "it's hard to hold a conversation through the garage door."
Like I said, she's moving out imminently. Her house needed work, and is almost ready. The court's support decision was vacated because she didn't move out soon enough, and in the last 6 months my pay has gone down, through no fault of mine (company decision) so she isn't going to get as much support as she thinks.
Money is getting very tight. I have not picked up overtime in 20 years. She's pushing me to do so. I'm not inclined to, because if I do, my support obligation will increase. I don't want to HAVE to work overtime forever just to pay her support, just because money's tight today. After the support conference determines how much I have to pay, I will probably work some overtime to pay my bills.
I am trying to get a life. I'm going to the gym, getting together with friends I haven't seen in a while, going for long walks, visiting family more, busy with taking care of things around the house rather than putting them off, and I've always been very involved in the kids. She has suggested and encouraged me to date. Is dating part of getting a life or should it be avoided at all costs? I haven't seen that addressed here. I have been out with a few women, and enjoyed myself, but feel guilty for feeling like I'm cheating on my wife, and knowing these women are looking for a relationship, and I know I would avoid one, so I feel like I'm wasting their time.
I guess my last question is.... How long do you implement these techniques and pine away for your wife until you are a chump and a doormat?
thanks in advance.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I guess my last question is.... How long do you implement these techniques and pine away for your wife until you are a chump and a doormat?
Jim,
The real objective is to stop pining and start living. In other words, work on yourself and let your wife go on her journey. It's a lot easier said than done.
Sorry you find yourself in this mess. You have some to a great place!
As you said, time is your friend. And, unfortunately, also your enemy. You seem to have a grasp on things and doing better than most newcomers. It's not easy, but you got this.
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She has suggested and encouraged me to date. Is dating part of getting a life or should it be avoided at all costs? I haven't seen that addressed here. I have been out with a few women, and enjoyed myself, but feel guilty for feeling like I'm cheating on my wife, and knowing these women are looking for a relationship, and I know I would avoid one, so I feel like I'm wasting their time
Just because she suggested means you don't have to IF you don't want, to. Her suggesting you do that expresses guilt and that she is trying to get you to move on. Sorry if that is blunt. Now, do you have to? No. Some will say don't. Some will say do. Listen only to yourself. I subscribe to the "do" crowd. Even if its just coffee, it can work wonders on a soul that has been beat to hell and back. I get the part about feeling guilty and like I was cheating - felt the same way at first...then I realized she wasn't coming back and at some point I have to live my own life...with or without her.
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I guess my last question is.... How long do you implement these techniques and pine away for your wife until you are a chump and a doormat?
That's a question that only YOU can answer.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I am trying not to argue, but I could use a little advice. She is moving out this weekend, and keeps bringing up support. My pay has decreased, and she's not going to get as much support as she thinks she will. How do I validate her point of view, and still say "No way."
Also, she had her paycheck deposited into a separate account from our joint account from which we pay the household bills, in anticipation of moving out and needing her own money. How do I get her to contribute to what is still our joint household without causing a huge fight about money?
One more thing.... we're due a substantial tax refund. She contributed about 5% of our tax bill, and I paid the rest. I know she's going to want 50% of our refund, which will give her 10 times more than she paid in taxes. How do I avoid this minefield? What have others in our situation done?
thanks
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
She is moving out this weekend, and keeps bringing up support. My pay has decreased, and she's not going to get as much support as she thinks she will. How do I validate her point of view, and still say "No way."
Don't worry about validating anymore as that's not what is important. Just tell her straight up the situation, and that if she wants to go that route, then the lawyers will figure it out.
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Also, she had her paycheck deposited into a separate account from our joint account from which we pay the household bills, in anticipation of moving out and needing her own money. How do I get her to contribute to what is still our joint household without causing a huge fight about money?
Let's see. You are still married and that money is considered marital property. I'd talk to your lawyer, but I'd be willing to bet that you will be told the same. A huge fight? Not important. What is important, is your well-being and responsibility. It seems like she is after more than her fair share. Don't discuss anything other than "we will have our lawyers look at it." At this point, that's what is necessary.
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One more thing.... we're due a substantial tax refund. She contributed about 5% of our tax bill, and I paid the rest. I know she's going to want 50% of our refund, which will give her 10 times more than she paid in taxes. How do I avoid this minefield? What have others in our situation done?
You can't. See marital property above. She will get half.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Also, she had her paycheck deposited into a separate account from our joint account from which we pay the household bills, in anticipation of moving out and needing her own money. How do I get her to contribute to what is still our joint household without causing a huge fight about money?
One more thing.... we're due a substantial tax refund. She contributed about 5% of our tax bill, and I paid the rest. I know she's going to want 50% of our refund, which will give her 10 times more than she paid in taxes. How do I avoid this minefield? What have others in our situation done?
thanks
Jim,
The way you handle your financial stuff is to open your own checking account now and put everything you can into that account including the check for the tax return. Currently, you're separating, not divorcing. You may have to pay some child support while separated. Make sure the money is in a safe place and go see a lawyer. After talking with the lawyer, you can decide how to divvy-up the money.
Let's see. You are still married and that money is considered marital property. I'd talk to your lawyer, but I'd be willing to bet that you will be told the same. A huge fight? Not important. What is important, is your well-being and responsibility. It seems like she is after more than her fair share. Don't discuss anything other than "we will have our lawyers look at it." At this point, that's what is necessary.
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One more thing.... we're due a substantial tax refund. She contributed about 5% of our tax bill, and I paid the rest. I know she's going to want 50% of our refund, which will give her 10 times more than she paid in taxes. How do I avoid this minefield? What have others in our situation done?
You can't. See marital property above. She will get half.
technically, we are legally separated; does that make a difference?
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
