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doodler #2736662 03/29/17 11:28 AM
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Originally Posted By: doodler
They're working on breaking their own emotional bonds and all the while keeping you on the hook as their safety net. In many other contexts it would be great sport, but it stinks when it's a marriage.


Doodler - The comment on being a great sport is spot on as it is about stamina in keeping up the progress, setting the boundaries, feeling the burn!!!

LW - Grass is greener thought is something you can fight if you work on yourself, but don't do it for her do it for you.


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13
Reconcile: 07/07/13
Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17
Apartment Life: 04/21/17
PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 38
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Doodler- I have already seen I can do no right, and everything is used against me.

Tryin-I am working on fighting that now. Originally, it was for her to stay, but now I realize that working on myself will be better for myself and also my son. Deep inside her heart I know she knows we just need to water our own grass, but it may be too late for her to realize it. She's pretty far gone.


Me-35, W-31
T: 12
M: 11
S5
BD: 11/2016, Wants Divorce
Divorce off table 1/17
EA (11/2016)/PA (3/17)confirmed
Status Unknown as of 3/29/17
LW2381 #2736679 03/29/17 12:45 PM
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When I stopped contacting the OM, I went through months of withdrawals. The hardest part of getting through that period was just getting him out of my head. I was also depressed and it was very difficult to generate enough energy to put effort into a M I basically saw as dead.

Like your W, I did not feel remorse. I made my decision to stay in my M based on doing the right thing. However, doing the right thing did not automatically restore the right feelings. It took a long time, and even praying that I would experience remorse, b/c I did not believe I would ever feel in love with my H without it. It eventually came when I finally stopped allowing myself to dwell on the OM. Of course, I had a lot of other work to do, like forgiving my H for his part of the breakdown and releasing years of resentment that had grown in my heart.

Your W is a lot younger than I was, so hopefully, she will find her way back faster. I suspect she made a decision to do the right thing when she learned of your heart condition. And I don't know, but some of that loving attentiveness could have been, in part, due to remorse. You hope that she would ask for your forgiveness, but if she has as much false pride as I held.........it may be a while yet. Her attitude will reflect her feelings. When her words, actions, and attitude line up........then you'll know things are getting better. Until then, be smart. I think it's Cadet's tag line that reads "Knowlege is power", and you have a lot to receive if you open yourself to it. On the other hand, fear will shut it down. It sounds as if your gut feelings are pretty keen, so continue to listen to them, and don't listen to fear.

I believe it is extremely important for the couple to attend therapy that specializes in restoring marriages after an affair. You each will deal with separate emotional issues that come from that situation........plus, it probably would include your porn addiction and how it affected her. So, you are facing at least two large issues that are fairly known to break up marriages. Don't think you can do this without help, and don't go to some hole in the wall MC that doesn't specialize in healing from affairs and porn addiction.

My H would not agree to go with me to couples therapy. My saving grace was God and this DB Board! I would stay on this board every night until I could no longer hold my eyes open. That was ten years ago, and I am still with my H, which I will always give much credit to those who mentored me. There has been no other inappropriate behavior or betrayal from this former wayward wife.

You have to continue to work at having a healthy MR. They don't just happen. There will always be new challenges along the way, but there is usually a way to work through it. You have to be smart. You cannot be lazy or take anything for granted! You probably realized this when you discovered you had a heart problem so early in life. Marriage is a living thing that requires adequate nourishment. At times, she'll need more than you, and vise versa.

Although you are trying to convince yourself that she has always been trustworthy, the truth is that she broke that trust. However, she can earn it back again by being accountable and transparent, just like you did. Currently, she is high risk b/c of her emotions feeling lost and unsure........ and not having the passionate in-love feelings she wants to have for you. It is scary as heck for a woman to think she is trapped in a loveless M, after she gives up her OM. ( May not be a nice way to say it, but I'm just telling you like it is). The good news is that once she really gets the OM and all the "what ifs" and "may have been" out of head, her feelings of being in love with her H can return. Women are not wired to be in love with two men at the same time. She may sleep with two, or sleep with one and crave the other.........but she will desire only one. Sometimes, LBH'S seem not to consider the emotional dives her mind has experienced. It takes time for her to fall out of love with her H......and into love with OM.....then out of love with OM.....and back into love with her H. No wonder she feels confused!

Both of you have a lot of work ahead, and doing what works will give your M the best advantage. You have already spent five months reading? Okay, well don't stop......and post often. Telling us more about her history and the dynamics of your MR will help us have a overhead view.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
doodler #2736683 03/29/17 12:51 PM
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Last night we got into a R talk, her choice. I told her that I was tired of limbo and that we were either all in or all out for this marriage. The conversation ended with us going to bed together amicably but with no commitment from her as to knowing what she wants. This morning we woke up and she was friendly, I got our son up and got him ready, as I was leaving I kissed her goodbye and said ILY (this routine has not changed). I guess she felt like something was wrong, and asked me "are you okay?" I calmly replied as I walked out "I'm fine." A while later she called me and told me that no matter how hard she tries nothing she does is good enough for me. She said she woke up feeling like it was a new day and felt like it was going to be good. However, she felt like I shot that down and made her feel like no matter how hard she tries I can't just move on or move forward. Any thoughts on how I could've handled that differently? It seems like we can't get along about anything. If one of us is good the other is not. Makes no sense.


Me-35, W-31
T: 12
M: 11
S5
BD: 11/2016, Wants Divorce
Divorce off table 1/17
EA (11/2016)/PA (3/17)confirmed
Status Unknown as of 3/29/17
LW2381 #2736690 03/29/17 01:11 PM
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Sandi,

Wow, I have read so much of your advice and can truly say I feel blessed you have given me advice on my sitch.

In November, when she went from okay to gone (there were warning signs, I know it didn't happen overnight), she said she felt like i had never loved her like she loved me. It came out in MC that she had put me on a pedestal early on, and obviously i plummeted quickly from that pedestal as we are all broken people. The porn aggravated that, and we never dealt with that.

I saw how much love she still had for me we didn't know how serious my heart condition was, but at that time I had now idea about the EA. So it may have been remorse, but I didn't recognize it as such.

We have a good christian counselor who does specialize in affair recovery, and we have established that we never accurately dealt with the porn issues, and a lot of that resentment was still in her heart. So now we are working through the A and my past troubles, but I still am not sure she is fully on-board with it.

She has always had self-esteem issues, and I know the porn just made that worse for her. On top of that we were going through infertility during this time. She told me after the admission of the EA/PA that she thought "he would love her". Everything he told her were the same things that I told her everyday but meant more coming from him. I am fully aware of the problems I created that pushed her away from me. I don't own the A, but I do own my part of the marital breakdown.

She says now, she worries that everything will be okay for a few months and then we will end up right back here. I genuinely feel terrible for the emotions my W is wrestling with. I see her pain.

I just have no idea where to go next. Do I detach, do I work on piecing, MC says love her through this, which really makes detaching and acting like I moving on w or w/out her really hard!


Me-35, W-31
T: 12
M: 11
S5
BD: 11/2016, Wants Divorce
Divorce off table 1/17
EA (11/2016)/PA (3/17)confirmed
Status Unknown as of 3/29/17
LW2381 #2736698 03/29/17 01:28 PM
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Venting:

I hate this. I am struggling with the idea that she had the A, and I am the one fighting to keep the M together. How is that okay???? W also believes that this is not affecting our son, it's obvious that it is.


Me-35, W-31
T: 12
M: 11
S5
BD: 11/2016, Wants Divorce
Divorce off table 1/17
EA (11/2016)/PA (3/17)confirmed
Status Unknown as of 3/29/17
LW2381 #2736715 03/29/17 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted By: LW2381
She says now, she worries that everything will be okay for a few months and then we will end up right back here. I genuinely feel terrible for the emotions my W is wrestling with. I see her pain.

I just have no idea where to go next. Do I detach, do I work on piecing, MC says love her through this, which really makes detaching and acting like I moving on w or w/out her really hard!


Falling back into it again can happen as it did for me and the W and that's why I'm back on this board. I too see my W's pain and I hate it but she's going through it her way and I through mine. We both contributed and we're both dealing in our own ways.

The best way forward is to detach and improve yourself. Your MC says love her through this well one way of doing that is letting her be, letting her hurt, letting her heal. Sandi's given you some incredible insight into the road she went through and your W has to do the same.

This is a marathon and not a sprint and like a marathon you're gonna feel it (not that I've ever come close to running one).

If she sees you at your best (and you can really only be at your best if you've detached, GAL, focus on improving you), you have the best chance to make her rethink everything without asking her to do so.

Does that make sense?


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13
Reconcile: 07/07/13
Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17
Apartment Life: 04/21/17
PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 38
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Tryin-

It makes perfect sense. I have to be honest I never considered that "loving her through this" could mean letting her be. Thank you so much for pointing that out. I guess I always felt like that meant pursuing and "pushing" to love her.

I guess I will work on detaching and GAL, although I struggle with the GAL because that means time away from my son, which I don't know that I am willing to give up. He needs me, especially now.

Yes the advice Sandi gave is invaluable, because she has been there.

So off we go, I am just going to let her be, and work on me and see what happens.


Me-35, W-31
T: 12
M: 11
S5
BD: 11/2016, Wants Divorce
Divorce off table 1/17
EA (11/2016)/PA (3/17)confirmed
Status Unknown as of 3/29/17
LW2381 #2736760 03/30/17 04:21 AM
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Here's the problem you face today. The LBH is usually so focused on getting his W back from the clutches of the OM, that he has not had sufficient time to process all his inner feelings. He wants his WW to instantly be on the same commitment level and emotional level as he is. That will not happen, b/c you both have separate hurts & resentments you have to process.

She's not even sure if she is making the right decision. Since she is not feeling the way she use to feel about you, it scares her into doubting those feelings will ever return. It just takes time to heal. If we could see the emotional damage the way we can see a physical part of our body destroyed..........maybe we could see how the healing was progressing. Even if she is being honest with you, her feelings cannot "snap" back.

My advice for you at this point, is not the same that I would tell a H who had a W that refused to work on the M. Just want to clarify this for anyone reading this thread. Until you know that she is making contact with OM, you proceed with healing the MR. If she is being honest and not contacting OM, or asking friends about him, etc.............then she is going to need a lot of support from you. This is not the time to act cold, distant, & sulked. This is the time to start repairing the "friendship" part of the MR. (I don't like to call it that, but it helps people relate to what I mean). Don't smother her with your presence, and don't push for sexual intimacy, b/c it could cause her to feel pressure. Affection, snuggling, hugs, and other non-sexual touches is okay.......as long as she is receptive. Don't ask, just experiment and If you feel a cold response, then stop touching her at all, for now. Remain in the same bed, and don't start switching out bedrooms. If she initiates sex, then follow her lead.

My advice is to incorporate as much fun things as possible. Keep the atmosphere as light as possible. If it starts getting too heavy, pull back a little and give space. Focus on uplifting music, comedy shows, and playing with your son. Doing things as a family. She needs to see life and joy in her home atmosphere. Yes, it is a big challenge when you are dealing with so much emotional pain, but this is part of the "work" to get through this door and go to the next one.

This is not fun for her, either. You each have your own demons to fight. You will feel as if you are living in different time zones (or planets) for a while. It takes time to get on the same page again. I suggest you meet with the counselor once a week, at the very least. Then you can taper down as you get through the initial hot spots. I also advise you not to have R talks at home, and save it for the session with the counselor. Right now, things are very fragile, so try to avoid talking about the affair. If she wants to talk, then your part of that conversation is to listen. No talk.......just listen, and validate her feelings.

When a H uses porn, the W feels degraded. She feels like you felt when you discovered her affair. To her, your porn activity equals cheating. Women take it very personal when their H turns to porn. You are doing what you need to do there, but she has deep resentment. I pray that she will be able to let it go and heal her heart and self esteem.

Has the counselor discussed the importance of transparency from her?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2736798 03/30/17 07:20 AM
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Sandi-

This is amazing, thank you so much. This describes my situation perfectly, and is exactly the advice I needed.

I believe she has quit all contact with OM, and if she is telling the truth, it hit her pretty hard that he was so quick to let her go. She constantly said "I thought he would love me."

I have recognized that we are both fighting our own demons, and I have been struggling with the balancing act of letting her know I am here for her, but also, trying to stave off the devastation and anger that I am feeling as well.

I will be the first to admit I have not been as patient as I know I am supposed to be when it comes to her love and commitment to me. I often forget the unbearable pain and hurt she is feeling on so many levels. However, I made the commitment to be more patient with her last night and to let her work through this at her own pace and how she sees fit. It was well received (I'm not sure she believes it, but I will have to walk it to prove it), and we went to bed (together) peacefully.

Had MC this morning (we are meeting weekly), and we have not gotten to the necessary transparency part of it yet. I asked the counselor while W was not in the room about that, and he thinks W is way too fragile emotionally to hit her with that right this moment. We are currently working through removing some of the toxicity that has built up over the years, and had a positive session. We smiled together and looked back on some good times, which helped us both.

I really appreciate the prayers, and know ultimately God is in control and is walking us through this. She has drifted tremendously so I am praying not only for our marriage but also that she will find her love for God again.

For now, I will focus on what you said, about keeping it light and fun, and trying to become friends again.

Thanks again.


Me-35, W-31
T: 12
M: 11
S5
BD: 11/2016, Wants Divorce
Divorce off table 1/17
EA (11/2016)/PA (3/17)confirmed
Status Unknown as of 3/29/17
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