Meeting with my Pastor was good. Sounds like he's heard stories like ours quite a bit. When we first sat down he asked "So...did you have an affair?" Somewhat telling, I suppose. He kind of roped me into going to a small men's group every other Wednesday which he leads with four other guys. He said it was invite only and not advertised with the other groups the church has and I sort of felt like I needed to say yes. It certainly can't hurt.
The two sentences in red strike me as odd. I personally don't think he should have started the visit with that question or even asked that question. That is up to you to share. He should be listening to get a feel for where you are at, so he can be more prepared to help guide you.
And a private group within a church. Raises a red flag to me.
Maybe go to the first meeting to see if it is helpful.
Originally Posted By: 180Man
Saw a lawyer today. With no kids, our case is relatively straightforward. I can choose to respond to her lawyer's attempt to serve me via mail or I can ignore it and make them serve me. According to the lawyer I met with I can make it as easy or as hard as I want. He even suggested that we could drag it out until next year. Conversely, we could have it all wrapped up before she deploys. My best friend said -- and I agree -- that dragging it out is "a bítch move" and will cause her more resentment and make it even less likely to rekindle anything.
I wouldn't suggest to drag it out, because it will not get you closer to your goal. Additionally, it will become more costly.
Originally Posted By: 180Man
I've drafted an email to her again stating that I don't want to divorce but know I can't stop her. Told her I'd like to sign the paperwork and give it to her personally. I offered to set aside a time for us to come to an agreement over our assets, it should be a fairly simple agreement. And then I said that by doing this I'm giving her the ability to end it all whenever she chooses, but asked her to give the paperwork to her lawyer and request that he sit on it for the time being. She has offered several times in the past to answer any questions I have and until now I haven't because I assumed, for the most part, that I had it figured out. But now I realize there is likely more to it than just an affair and my depression last year. So I've asked if she'll go to coffee with me and let me know what I've done to hurt her and push her away so that I can work on myself. And in the mean time while the lawyer sits on the paperwork, give ourselves a chance to relax and ask her to give me a chance to make it work.
Expectations keep you no the emotional roller coaster. This will not have the outcome that you are hoping for.
Originally Posted By: 180Man
I'm debating on that last part of openly asking her to give me a chance to make it work, but I don't need to send this today. It's a well thought-out email, I just gave you the highlights here.
Do not send it. It will not work. You will come away disappointed.
You have been a member here for a little over a month, so you are early in your sitch. Have you set any goals? Small, attainable goals to track your progress though your sitch. You might find it helpful to journal if you are not already doing it.
You need to shift the focus from your W to yourself. This isn't something that happens just because we want it to happen. It happens when you GAL, set goals and improve behavioral patterns over the course of time.
Fill your calendar with things to do.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
You need to shift the focus from your W to yourself. This isn't something that happens just because we want it to happen. It happens when you GAL, set goals and improve behavioral patterns over the course of time.
Agreed. In fact, Id say this note is more of 'what doesnt work'.
Kevin, it sounds to me as if you still are thinking of something to do that will get the desired reaction from her. Like, you want to tell her face to face that you forgive her. Has she asked for your forgiveness? If not, then don't assume your announcement of forgiveness will bring forth a positive response from her. In her wayward state, she could see you as trying to be Mr. Self-Righteous. If you can forgive her, then do it for yourself, but don't tell her if she's not made some reference about it..
Then you want to give the signed paperwork to her in person. Why? Is it b/c you want to gage her reaction? Are you hoping this will be the right "thing" that hits her hard enough to make her change her mind?
Then it is you emailing her, and suggesting to meet for coffee so she can tell you all the ways you hurt her.........so that you can better work on yourself. Look, if she has a wayward heart and wanting a divorce before she deploys...........I don't think she will care to discuss all of that stuff, and frankly, I doubt if she cares if you work on yourself or not. She wants out, and does not plan to be around to coach your work. Right now, she is focused on herself and her future.
And now, you want to try asking her to give you a chance to make the MR work. What about her part? You just want her back and you will be responsible for everything? That doesn't usually produce successful results. Unless I have your thread confused with another one, isn't she on OM #2?
I am just saying that these type of moves are not effective, b/c you are desperately trying to say something that gets her to change her mind. She sees through it. You are wanting to make an attempt to push her into giving you a second chance. Maybe you don't see it that way, but from where I sit it seems that all of these efforts are used to apply emotional pressure on her, and if so....... she will likely resent you even more. These are moves that appear unattractive. The more disparate you act, the more distance you add.
IMHO, it would be more effective to not deliver anything in person. No more pursuing R talks......and emails, no more begging, and no more emotional pressure techniques. You have to stop grasping at straws to get the girl back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
