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Originally Posted By: JasonWe
I doubt that i'll ever totally lose touch with her family...although some of them are hours away and i will likely not see them again unless we get back together. frown i love her grandfather and aunts and little cousins...and they have welcomed me into their family like i never could've imagined.

You don't have to lose them. Obviously you'll see less of them, and it's up to you to add new people to your life, GAL and or renew your own family relationships so there's not as much of a vacuum.


last night i had a very particularly hard night. i think when i discovered that she was searching out "uncontested divorce" resources...i had a true realization that she might never come back. i'm aware that it's probably healthy to know that it's a possibility...but i don't think i'm ready to accept it yet.


I think it's natural to hold off accepting it. Your timeline needs to be adjusted so you can enlarge it and have more staying power and patience than you think you have.

Your course of action whether you want to give up and be a peace in your new life

versus standing for your marriage, is the same.

When you grasp ^^this, it'll clarify things for you.


i basically sobbed uncontrollably for about an hour. talking to her to myself.
begging her to come back.

I'm sorry cry


i still resist the urge to call or text her....but i can't help obsessing over the fact that i wish she would call or text me that wasn't related to splitting up or anything.

GAL is the only way I know to help with this^^. You can do the cognitive work and it'll help, but at some point you will need to fill your days and evenings with something other than missing her. Besides, if you THINK about it, you'd be bringing more to the table if you GAL.

And the only chance of her missing you is by you detaching.

I don't know how to detach without GAL.


I wish she would want to go to breakfast every saturday...as i felt like i had as much control as i needed last weekend.

my biggest fear in this method is...at what point is giving her all this space only allowing her the chance to "get over me" easier?
could i be doing more damage by NOT speaking to her?


This^^ is almost always the dilemma we face. However, you have tried this approach to no avail. And while she knows you are emotionally available for her to return to you,

from where I sit, there's more chance of her second guessing herself if she fears losing you.

Your urge is to "Do SOMETHING" but that's b/c you think doing nothing is your only option.

Think about the GAL plan some more...



what excuses could or should i use to get in touch...or not at all? i'm getting to the very confused and concerned stage of this. not sure if that's a natural progression...but it's here.


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S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
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OW
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X marries OW 5/2016

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Originally Posted By: JasonWe
last night i had a very particularly hard night. i think when i discovered that she was searching out "uncontested divorce" resources...i had a true realization that she might never come back. i'm aware that it's probably healthy to know that it's a possibility...but i don't think i'm ready to accept it yet.


That's a great realization. The other thing you need to realize is that you don't have to accept it for it to happen. You don't have control over it. The next step is to work on surrendering to the fact that you can't control it.

Believing that you can control how this unfolds is an illusion and trying to drive it will do you more harm in the long run.

Originally Posted By: jasonwe
my biggest fear in this method is...at what point is giving her all this space only allowing her the chance to "get over me" easier?


Never. This is never, ever, ever a problem, and it's the biggest challenge people here face. Contacting her and pursuing her is the same challenge people face if they're trying to quit smoking and sitting in front of a table covered in cigarettes. It's just so easy to do. You know you shouldn't, you know it isn't good for you, but you want to *so badly* that you can convince yourself that it's okay to pursue.

That's what the "my giving her space is allowing her to get over me" argument really is, it's your brain trying to convince you that it's okay to pursue her because that's what you really, really, really want to do.

It won't work, it will make things worse, don't do it.

Originally Posted By: JasonWe
could i be doing more damage by NOT speaking to her?


No. Giving her space will 100% help and pursuing her will 100% hurt.

Originally Posted By: JasonWe
what excuses could or should i use to get in touch...or not at all? i'm getting to the very confused and concerned stage of this. not sure if that's a natural progression...but it's here.


Recognize that you're freaking out and grasping at straws and that's okay. You feel like you're drowning and you're looking for a life line. Don't do it.

The number one challenge with this method is discipline, most people simply lack the self-discipline to do it. If self discipline were easy everyone would be thin and fit.

She wants space, you're being the best partner you can be by giving it to her.

If you ignore what she wants, you're asserting that you know better, you're going to disregard what she's asked for and assert what you want instead. How do you think that will end?

Acc


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JasonWe - Sorry you're in this but this advice from 25 is golden. I'm in detachment mode right now and it takes a lot of courage to do this. Every day is a new opportunity to move forward.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
[quote=JasonWe]
last night i had a very particularly hard night. i think when i discovered that she was searching out "uncontested divorce" resources...i had a true realization that she might never come back. i'm aware that it's probably healthy to know that it's a possibility...but i don't think i'm ready to accept it yet.


I think it's natural to hold off accepting it. Your timeline needs to be adjusted so you can enlarge it and have more staying power and patience than you think you have.

Your course of action whether you want to give up and be a peace in your new life versus standing for your marriage, is the same.

When you grasp ^^this, it'll clarify things for you.



You need time to process all this and do not let it swallow you. This is where GAL is critical. Process your feelings and take steps to move forward. Your best bet is investing time in yourself and making the best JasonWe there is. You may get a D or not, but becoming a better Jason is the best answer regardless of D or no D.

Originally Posted By: JasonWe

my biggest fear in this method is...at what point is giving her all this space only allowing her the chance to "get over me" easier?
could i be doing more damage by NOT speaking to her?[/b]

This^^ is almost always the dilemma we face. However, you have tried this approach to no avail. And while she knows you are emotionally available for her to return to you, from where I sit, there's more chance of her second guessing herself if she fears losing you.


Back to the concept of what she wants in her new space without you and sorry I have to put it that way. This could not be more spot on from 25. It does not make it any easier to accept detachment and I totally understand. It is hard work detaching, but in the end your W will not have you in the way she currently does.

That space she wants might not be as attractive when she does not have you especially when you detach, GAL, work on yourself and become the best JasonWe there is. The struggle is real my friend, but these are absolute truths during these hard times you're facing.

Be well.


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
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She texted me today:

"Are you available at some point during the day this weekend? So we can get together and go over the details of how this is going to happen."

She seems to be asking about how we're going to be splitting up our money. How do I respond to this? I haven't opened the text yet. Do I ignore it? Tell her I'm out of town?
Breakfast a week and a half ago was one thing (which I think I handled myself pretty well)...but I'm not sure how to deal with this. She might want to discuss filing divorce papers. Shouldn't I want to stall this? I can't find anything in the book besides the Last Resort technique which I thought was just letting her be. I've been doing that.

I know we've only had 1 positive encounter...but she hasn't budged an inch it seems.

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What would you gain by stalling?

I'd go in prepared with your plan about what you want as if it were a business deal.

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I want her to reconsider. I don't want a divorce. I just think it's a bit too early to present that to her. Isn't it?

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Originally Posted By: JasonWe
I want her to reconsider. I don't want a divorce. I just think it's a bit too early to present that to her. Isn't it?


These are things you have to let her do on her own. She has to reconsider and it has to come from her for it to be real. If you try and ask her to do that, she's going to take it as pursuing and run even faster away. No light bulb will turn on.

You've got to improve yourself and continue through the process. Hope this helps.


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
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Originally Posted By: JasonWe
I want her to reconsider. I don't want a divorce. I just think it's a bit too early to present that to her. Isn't it?


JasonWe,

If you try to get her to reconsider, she feel like you're pursuing (you are) and she'll head in the opposite direction.

Here's the doodler plan:

1. Protect your money right now or you might find a big hunk of money missing very soon.
2. Respond to your wife and tell her that this weekend won't work because you have plans.
3. Make plans for this weekend to do something totally awesome.

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Originally Posted By: JasonWe
I want her to reconsider. I don't want a divorce. I just think it's a bit too early to present that to her. Isn't it?


In my opinion, if youre free, then go for it. If youre not, then tell her you cant this weekend. I wouldnt stall it just for stalling's sake. A week isnt really going to make a difference in the long haul.

She likely isnt going to turn around this week. Or next week. This is a months-years-long process.

You may be right that now isnt the time to present her what you want. But Id at least be prepared that the discussion is probably going to go that way. Putting your head in the sand and hoping that it wont happen is not going to do you any favors.

I know you dont want a divorce. None of us did when we got here. I want to ask you a very serious question. How would your life change if you were divorced RIGHT NOW? My guess is very little. So what exactly are you fighting against? Instead, choose to fight FOR yourself.

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Originally Posted By: Kaizen
I want to ask you a very serious question. How would your life change if you were divorced RIGHT NOW? My guess is very little. So what exactly are you fighting against? Instead, choose to fight FOR yourself.



Physically my life would not change. She doesn't live here and I never see her.

But emotionally the thought devastates me. I don't think I'll ever be able to sign my name to a piece of paper that officially divorces us. I can fake it it person as much as I need to....but I can't fake my way through something like that.

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