Absolutely! I was totally played. It's embarrassing how well I was played. I got it right at first, but then I allowed her to convince me that it was "just friends" and that I needed to deal with my jealousy issues.
I think most of us experienced this... I know I did almost 2 years ago now. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt, after all they are our spouse someone who we are supposed to be able to trust 100%.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Yes, funny how they manipulate the MC to fit their agenda (like my W did) and if they can't they quit. Once she got what she needed that was it, we didn't go anymore.
I realized I might have jumped the gun with W being back in the MBR. We had a pleasant (lets work it out) convo in the MBR. Thinking back seems like a total manipulation and I totally fell for it hook, line and sinker.
Before that, I was doing pretty good being dark. I was pleasant and I wasn't engaging, although I was reeling inside.
I realized I might have jumped the gun with W being back in the MBR. We had a pleasant (lets work it out) convo in the MBR. Thinking back seems like a total manipulation and I totally fell for it hook, line and sinker.
Could not have said it better myself. This is to the guys who thought she was working on things, or making progress.......... When will you learn that what this W did (crawling into bed with him) is the oldest manipulation in the history of women?! Getting in bed and snuggling up to the man you've cheated on for nearly 20 years is not a sign she is working on things! . And it amazes me why the H is always "confused" by this action! (So, it's not just you, FindAir). This is not work on her part. It is simple temperature checking, and that's all.
She doesn't want a divorce b/c her H provides a very nice living for her? She has a nice setup where she gets the best of both men. OM isn't going to leave his W and risk his financial destruction when he is nearly ready to retire. Think about it, guys! He's 18 yrs her senior, and if he was going to D his W to marry this man's wife, he would have done it a long time ago. He knows his W will take him to the cleaners.
So, the affair partners will give it a little cooling off period, and when their spouses think everything is okay again..........the affair will resume. They have carried on this affair too many years to think it will stop dead in its tracks. It can end, but I promise you that it won't be anywhere close to being this easy. It would take major life changes for her to end all emotional ties that link them together. She would even have to cancel her list of contacts........and you know she's not going to do it. She won't want to give up their circle of friends or stop going to their favorite places. Too many years, and too many memories.
If a man feels he has been played, it's b/c he has! She will play you as long as she believes it's working. And as long as you fall for her manipulation tricks......it will work for her.
I realize this is blunt, but I just read your thread and wanted to warn you......and now I see where you are figuring it out.
Can your M be saved? Maybe, IDK. But I'm old enough and have read enough of these same patterns to know your W is not finished with the OM and she is not "working" on your M. At least, she's not currently doing work. Another thing, she may say she'll get help, etc., but that's usually a tactic to put her H on hold until he calms down. If any therapy is sought, you need to be the one to choose the therapist, not your W. It should be one who specializes in restoring marriages that have been betrayed by a long term affair.
Nothing justifies cheating on a spouse. Not her childhood and not her bad marriage. That's not to say that she may not need therapy, but it doesn't give her a free pass to commit adultery. Too long, you've thought you were crazy........and she did not try to persuade you otherwise.
See a lawyer to know your options and where you stand. Then decide what you will do. You will need a plan of action, b/c you can't sit back and just wait to see what happens. Be prepared. Do not discuss your plans with her, at this time. You must protect yourself before doing or saying anything else.
And btw, don't decide to have unprotected sex with her, thinking you are sealing the deal. That's how men think, but it doesn't seal anything.....except maybe your fate.
Someone will come along with soothing words for you. I just could not sit back and not tell you what I have seen played out in many, many similar situations as you face. Your story is not unique, sorry to say.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow! Thank you, thank you! I needed that. What you wrote is so real. I will follow your direction. I'm regretting that move back into the MBR. My emotions are all over the place, but I'm slowly trying to take charge of them. Before the MBR move, I was doing pretty well by going dark. Trying to get the plan reformulated.
I would like your opinion.... We have a family vacation planned for next month, after the the bomb I told her I wasn't going. I'm getting pushback form my kids. I'm having a hard time with it. What do you think?
I will check back later. I work and live with the W, so its hard to be stealth. I would like any opinion on how to pull that off too with reading books and being on the threads. Can't imagine how I'm going to get a chance to read the books. Cant even get the books downloaded, W see every transaction and does the bookkeeping. Haven't needed to be secretive until now. Not easy with her being within feet of her.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Wow! Thank you, thank you! I needed that. What you wrote is so real. I will follow your direction. I'm regretting that move back into the MBR. My emotions are all over the place, but I'm slowly trying to take charge of them. Before the MBR move, I was doing pretty well by going dark. Trying to get the plan reformulated.
My suggestion about the MBR is for you to stay there, and if she wants to sleep elsewhere, that's her choice. The point behind this is that you are the faithful spouse and you are the head of the family. The children recognize the MBR as being the marital bedroom for their parents. It sets an order in the family homelife. When the kids are accustomed to seeing their parents share the same bedroom, it gives them a sense of security. Their parents sharing the same bedroom represents unity, not division. That's why even little kids will know something is not right at home when they see one of the parents sleeping elsewhere. Their instinct tells them their security may be at risk. Anyway, that's my suggestion, but you do what you feel is best for you.
I have a different viewpoint on "going dark" than the thread that is listed in Cadet's post. I think it is impossible to go dark when you share the same roof and have a family. However, you can emotionally detach to protect your feelings. I will try to remember to post a copy of a shorter version of detaching.
IMHO, you need to decide what you will do. You should not ask your W what she wants. This is no longer about what she wants. You deserve to know what she plans to do in going forward, b/c you have no intentions of leaving things the way they currently are.....nor act as if nothing ever occurred between her and OM. It is about what you will decide for your life. It is about what you will tolerate and not tolerate. It is about setting firm boundaries based on your moral/spiritual beliefs, standards, principles, and integrity. Never compromise your integrity. This is no longer about pleasing her or trying to show her how much you love her (as this becomes a trap for the LBH trying to reconcile). It is about honor, loyalty, and respect. If you both have those, then the love will manifest itself. You are the leader over your family/home. Leaders have to be strong and make tough decisions, and having something solid (like your principles and belief system in life) from which to make your plan is very important. We can help as you put it together.
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I would like your opinion.... We have a family vacation planned for next month, after the the bomb I told her I wasn't going. I'm getting pushback form my kids. I'm having a hard time with it. What do you think?
That is always a very tough call. For the sake of the kids, I would carry through with the plans for vacation, since it is scheduled for next month. Use it as an opportunity to show your fun/relaxed side in your family activities. You may have to do a lot of faking, but sometime that's what we have to do for our kids.
In the meantime, you will be getting your plan of action together, and start establishing some of your boundaries.
* Priority is talking with your lawyer to make sure you are protected in every way possible.
* Make a private list of the things in your MR that affect you emotionally/physically that you will not tolerate. The point here is not to make out a complaint list about your W's faults. This is not about some means of controlling your W.....but rather protecting your feelings. Boundaries are not to be confused with ultimatums.
An example of a really big boundary could be: "I will not live in a marriage of three. If you continue to contact OM, I will prepare for separation or divorce". This is about what you will not accept for your life. You are not telling her what she can or can't do. She is free to make her own decisions. This statement is about you and what you will not accept as a way of life. I want to caution you to be very careful making boundary statements and not backing up your word if the boundary is dishonored. Several men have read this example and then start crowing like a rooster about not living in an open marriage. Well, they discovered it did not fix or change the W. The affair did not stop. Then the H would back down and his boundary was completely ineffective. You do not want this to happen! Before you state a boundary, you better know what you intend to do if it is not honored. I can almost guarantee you that she will test it to see if you stand behind it.
Another example: "I will not engage in a telephone conversation if I am the target of yelling, cursing, rage, etc. If such behavior begins, I will disconnect the call and not respond to caller's next contact, until I feel the conversation will be civilized". That one is not too difficult to carry out, unless you are so beaten down by your W you are too afraid to hang up on her and face her wrath later.
Anyway, these are just two short examples, and we can talk more about boundaries later. You are the only one who knows what you will or will not tolerate.
A major part of your plan will be setting goals that will lead you back into being a better man, father, husband, and leader. You can't force her to make changes in herself, but you can make improvements in yourself and the family life under your own roof. So, think about what needs to change, what you have control over and what you don't, and the steps to get you to the place you want to be.
Personally, I recommend you make it clear to her that in order for you to continue with the M, there must be a series of couple's therapy sessions, and you will choose the therapist who specializes in this field. Since you are the betrayed S in the M, you should be the one to pick the more qualified therapist that actually works with couples to restore M's after an affair. It's not just about "her getting help" to appease you for a while. It's about serious therapy for you as a couple.
Dealing with a situation like you are facing, requires guidance. You need some type of map in order to go forward on this journey.
About a month from now, she will have strong cravings to contact OM (if she is really in no contact currently). If she is willing to do the real work in saving this M, then go with that willingness and don't be afraid to say what you will need to feel the MR has only two people in it. If she bucks against transparency, then you can mark it down that she has secrets to hide. Sure, there are ways around transparency if she wants to maintain the affair, but the transparency is just as much help to her as it is to you. The accountability is key in her breaking her emotional connection with the OM. More about that later.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Last night managed to have a another R discussion about setting boundaries and guidelines. I initiated it and we were both civil. Reiterated strict zero contact rule she agreed. She had deleted the contact, but there seem to be residual emails in her inbox on some group emails on multiple devises. I spent time going through and deleting the rest as best as I could. I still think its not enough, because we have old cell phones in drawers laying around, plus the fact W probably has contact info memorized. IDK if this is right, but I even text the OM (I know he's deathly afraid of me) to do the same He replied back agreeing. I will continue to invasive with him and battle two fronts if I have to.
I have my first appointment with a IC today. W is researching her own and is going on her own accord. She is in contact with one but does not have an appointment set up as of yet. I haven't pushed it with her this is her own doing. I did tell her that If I decide to move forward, I will request to see a MC together. I will choose one like you advised.
We talked about sex, I said I'm not doing it until she is tested and as a result I have to get tested too (protection or not). She was a little taken back. She said that she recently had surgery (this was after she admitted everything) and received a pap smear and the results were negative. I didn't fall for it.
I plan to take your advise and consult an L next week. I've already researched and have gotten recommendations.
I'm still waffling on fam vacation, although I'm leaning more towards it then not.
sandi2 I have to tell you..... You seem to put in a lot and effort and time with me on this and I see you do across multiple threads. That is unbelievable to me and I am truly grateful. And... there are others here that do the same, you are all fantastic!
