she either has to realise that what she's throwing away is priceless,
Sometimes to learn to miss something we need to lose it. Let her go Huddy.If there is to be any hope at all for you you need to let her go her own way. Then one day she may just realise that yes, she is throwing somethin priceless away.
Peace
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Hi Huddy , again this is just my pennies worth but i see your pain mate.
NDY is spot on, expectations are what are killing you. Its completely understandable BUT its the biggest thing that you need to let go of. Mabye she is regretting her choices but until she is 100% sure of whst she wants you could be back here after a reconciliation and by all accounts the second time is worse.
You giving ultimatums is a big no no. I was very impressed with NDYs admission thst he isnt 100 % over his WW because i would be very surprised if anyone on here really is. Maybe they have come to terms with their situation and have moved on but its very hard to get over ' it '.
Bad news re the flat but maybe the next will ne even better !!
Just to echo NDY again , move forward with your life , WW will do what she will.do , looking after your lovely kids is no 1 and then you. Be the best version of you possible and that will bring you the best future for you and yours.
Words in any shape nor form will convince W to come back. Plus convincing her should not be the aim. The aim is she will want to come back. That is an internal process that she has to complete.
You can influence that but not directly: # let her go. She cannot come back until you have let her go. Pretending or playing dim/dark won't work. # there is still a void in your life. The trick is not to fill that void, but to expand all other aspects of your life so that void is imperceptible. IMO it is healthy to have a void there because a R with someone special is important. However dwelling on it will not help.
I wish you luck with this and with the flat hunting
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
The aim is she will want to come back. That is an internal process that she has to complete.
Originally Posted By: roist
She cannot come back until you have let her go.
Originally Posted By: roist
The trick is not to fill that void, but to expand all other aspects of your life so that void is imperceptible. IMO it is healthy to have a void there because a R with someone special is important. However dwelling on it will not help.
Roist is spot on in all of these. I think fear is what paralyzes us from doing what we need to do...I'm speaking from experience personally. Huddy, my fear is that if I do totally drop the rope, she might not return...I am now realizing that she might not return anyway. We are all hear lifting you up and we all need to keep each other accountable. We need to do what works, not what we think should work.
God bless you in your trials.
James 1:12 New International Version (NIV)
12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
As always, thanks for your invaluable input in to my sitch
Unfortunately, W has had to be rushed in to the hospital. The 'boob' has gone bang, and the infection needs to be treated today. I got a call from W at dinner time (that'll be lunch to those of you not from Yorkshire!) telling me this. W tried to make some arrangements for me to pick up the kids, but it was nonsense, so I told her, not in a smug or arrogant way, what was going to happen, and she accepted it.
My boss has been very understanding, but I can see that it is getting a bit waring, but my kids are number one priority. W met me with her car, SD and the kids. She was very sheepish and couldn't look me in the eye (guilt/embarrassment).
When she'd gone in to the hospital, SD got back in the car and told me some of what has been going off today. Firstly, W has now told her parents and my SIL that she has had a tummy tuck and boob job. She had lied to them and told them she had a hernia operation. Apparently, the shock was palpable, but W cut the convo short with them and is asking SD to do all the talking. I told SD that she shouldn't lie for her Mum as the truth has a funny way of coming out. W has also managed to get herself heavily in debt for the surgery, and is behind in her other bills.
Of course, I headed your advice guys, and didn't do any kind of speech. That was a non starter really, but hey, it was Monday night! What will be will be. SD also told me she was shocked that my best man is coming up at the weekend. Not quite sure why.
Right, kids to bath, me to bath and then to bed!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
"she either has to realise that what she's throwing away is priceless, or I have to find someone who actually values my self worth"
I would just comment that your self worth is really determined by you Huddy. And what your W (or some future lucky lady) feel about you is up to them. How you feel about yourself (and your inherent worth) is what really matters here. And for all of us, it's so important to get ourselves to a place of self-acceptance and acceptance of our situation before we think about moving forward with a new relationship.
I think the advice above is spot on - an ultimatum just makes you look tied to the situation. And it's useful to ask yourself why you would want to do that at this point. The way I see it, she will or she won't - and we none of us know. So we all might as well live our lives as though 'she/he won't' and if 'they do' well there's nothing lost...because you have grown, learned, extended your comfort zone and lived life well in the meantime...
So I think the important question is not - what should I do in respect of her - it's what am I doing in respect of me?
Sorry to hear about the flat and hope you find a lovely new place soon.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
As always, sage advice. I do like to use this forum to sometimes say what I'd like to do, rather than actually do it. Probably keeps me from insanity! Any ultimatum would have been pointless.
I have a flat viewing on Friday, two floors down!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Bring on the bands.........two years today for BD! Yeah, no need for celebration, but life goes on.
Felt OK today, doesn't seem like two years. So, managed to get the flat two floors down and move in just over a month. That's a problem out of the way for now. When I told W I was being moved out of the current flat, she went in to MLC control mode. W told me how convenient the flat is, how I should think about my commute, how I should think about........on and on and on. W also told me how she could help find me a flat. I declined. I was a bit naughty though, letting her think I was thinking of moving out of the area altogether. That also set the alarm bells ringing as well.
W had her implants removed. I didn't know that if one goes boom and gets infected, you have to remove both (a bit like replacing hydraulic rams in your car...ahem). W had booked a week in a caravan about 40 miles from me. She couldn't drive so I took her and the kids to it. Before everyone has a go at me for this, it's for my kids - why should they miss out. I have her car right now, and will be picking them up on Saturday.
My best man came up last weekend and we had a blast. Two very boozy nights on the lash! I now remember how much going out costs - my bank account is still screaming!
So, next up, a drink with my bud NDY tomorrow and......well, let's see. I'm not dead yet
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Go read your posts from two years ago or even a year ago. Let me know what you make of the you back then and the you of today.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Me and NDY went for a beer a few weeks ago. NDY doesn't post on his own sitch anymore, but I'm sure he'd be happy to let you know he's now D'd and OK.
My W shows no outward signs of turning or depression, despite her latest surgery failure. She has cancelled her trip to see her parents/family and, chatting it over with NDY, we concluded this was because of embarrassment on her part. W has a small tattoo on her right shoulder that I got her when we got together. Despite the fact she is now 52, it took her several years from when she got it (she was 34 at the time) for her to admit to her Father that she had it.
Her selfishness continues, but has been turned to my SD. Noticeable, however, that she then turns her decision on her head after about 24 hours, doing the total opposite of what she said she would do!
I have now booked a trip to see my friend in the summer. A nice long weekend, followed by a holiday with the kids about a month later. Also got something booked for August. In the back of my mind (stupidly), I always think about W when booking these things. I know she wouldn't do the same to me (experience), but that's how I'm wired!
At the moment, I'm having really vivid dreams about W and the kids. Sometimes this involves the kids, sometimes we're back together, sometimes we're not, and they're in bright technicolour. I'm also finding that I'm waking up remembering every detail, even down to patterns on the wallpaper! If anybody has done sleep analysis, let me know what this means (although I think I already know it's about my hopes and my brain figuring it out, without me becoming a wreck again!).
Kids with me this weekend. So far, we've been to a museum, had food, made cakes and watched 'Cars' again (D's fave film). Today we're off to the local town for some goodies and then W will collect them later.
Bye for now (unless you can analyse dreams - let me know!)
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
