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Gordie #2736408 03/28/17 10:15 AM
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Roist - best of luck on your new approach. It sounds wonderful. Please keep us posted as much as you can.

FightOn #2736440 03/28/17 11:36 AM
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Hello Roist, that sounds like a good plan to me. I must say I really do notice the difference when I practice the self-care. I just seem to be able to take things more in my stride. And yes there are ups and downs, but they are less affecting.

Your idea of goals is great too. I have found a little notebook helpful for this and I start a new page for any new goal I think of. Then I revisit it from time to time, adding steps on or ticking things off. It's rather organic and iterative, but seems to work for me! Whatever works for you I would say.

What I think is important for anyone is to remember - I am (first and foremost) an individual and I am also within a marriage. Looking after ourselves as individuals within the marital setting is a priority (and we don't always make it so...)

I like that your changed approach is you-centric but supports the preservation of the marriage too....best of luck with everything my friend.

smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2736551 03/29/17 01:35 AM
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Thanks for the encouragement guys.

SBJ, that phrase sums it up nicely. Time to THRIVE.

Gordie, thanks for your kind words. This site helped me through many a rough patch. I am glad to be able to pay that back. When in crisis there is no price we can put on the help we receive here. I will gladly pay that back. I just need to step back a little for a while. I've said that before and didn't stay away long..... we'll see.

Fighton. Thanks for dropping by. I will update from time to time though I am going to use my time better so maybe not very detailed. I often intend to post here but end up using all my time replying to someone in need. That is fine with me as I am OK at the moment.

Sotto I value your view, do thanks for your input. I am excited about this and will do what I can to go as far as I can. No more false limits.

Best wishes my friends


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2736577 03/29/17 06:34 AM
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these are wonderful!
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
bttrfly #2736911 03/31/17 07:14 AM
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Roist, thinking of you and hoping you are doing well in your new approach...particularly your 21 days of positivity!


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2737193 04/03/17 05:58 AM
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Thanks Gordie,

I am slowly putting it in place. I am taking the time to tweak it so I find my best fit before commiting to it fully. I imagine I will have it ironed out by the end of the month.

Despite never wishing it on anyone I realise the slowness and steadiness of my situation is an opportunity.

As for your question, I managed a few days with no criticism, which is pretty good but had a minor slip at the weekend so I am back to zero.Haha. it will be a long three weeks!!! Ha ha

My intention is not absolutely to achieve 100% no criticism but to minimize it, be aware when it occurs and mainly to ensure my mind is not stuck in criticising/negative thinking.

Dan Lefave has a good podcast and other info that I like and is coherent with my thinking behind my approach, if anyone wants more info.

Don't worry I am not just sitting around mulling over this, I am taking appropriate actions to. I organised a two hour mountain bike ride with friends to be followed by a party at the house next weekend. I am signed up for a half Marathon in the mountains on mountain bike tracks on June as well as committed to at least three other sporting events. I have accompanied my kids on various school outings. All and all I am packing more and more into my life.

Got to go.

Best wishes everyone


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2737204 04/03/17 06:32 AM
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roist, you are inspiring us all.

I hope your changes are a positive that you will feel and your W will see. I know you are doing this all for yourself, but it is nice when things rub off on the ones we love.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
SBJ #2737334 04/04/17 03:39 AM
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Oops reset to zero again!!Hehehe. It's a balancing act between not being critical/negative and speaking up against some behavior. It wasn't major but not acceptable to me either. Looks like my work on being more assertive is working.

Interactions with W were much better afterwards.

I have not perfected my communication when doing this. Ideally I want to use the sandwich method where you say something positive, then the negative point and finish with a positive statement all related. Choice of words and phrasing stuff differently all help so I intend to continue until that becomes natural for me.

SBJ thanks for your kind words. I share bits of what I learn so others can use it too if they want, but I think each of us has to learn on our own and do so in relation to where they are at present on their own journey.

I believe my approach is right for me now. It is about becoming who I really want to be. That can only be positive. I also believe I can rebuild a better R with my W. I work towards that too indirectly by working on me. My W is not yet at a place where that is possible but neither is she at a place where it is impossible.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2737369 04/04/17 06:32 AM
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Just want to chime in and say, good for you! Thanks for updating us and keep us posted.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2739347 04/18/17 05:23 AM
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I wasn't going to post here but then I realised I have just passed the two year anniversary of joining this site. I am not sure that is celebrated as joining here was because of a crisis in my life.

During the last two years I have had some tough trials to get throughand many decisions to make. I have spun, I have reeled, I have advanced. I have slid back but overall I believe I have grown.

This site and the people here (past and present) really helped me when I needed it most. Thank you all. I am okay at the moment but it is reassuring to know I have support here should I need it.

It is easier to dish out advice here and offer my opinion to others.But I try to apply my own advice to my situation too.

At a glance my situation is quite similar to when I first came here. That zaps motivation if I am honest. That plus seeing her parents live a resentful separate bedroom M. That is not for me. I often feel like telling my W that I will not finish like them and that even our situation will not be enough for me eventually. At this stage it has been almost 15 months since we had a R talk and that one was after 12 months without one.

I can see my W is unhappy. I am willing to set her free if she needs to leave to be happy. I have the impression she feels she has no choice so she feels stuck. Tbh sometimes I want to set her free to have a happier life myself.

Her leaving no longer fills my with fear nor dread. I have loads of ideas about who I would be if that happened and what I would do. I can see that with excitement and enthusiasm.

I can also see a happy future of us staying together. Frankly that is probably a harder path but for the moment I am still committed to it. Sometimes I picture this future too well and believe it is now. Reality does not take long to break that image. I know I do not have it YET. Maybe I never will, but then again maybe I will. And in the meantime it is much more agreeable to think positively.

That being said my W is struggling and is not happy. This week on fb she liked a page that talked about people being unhappy but feeling obliged to conform and how it is better to not live such an existence even if people won't understand your choice. I totally agree that to live unhappy is not healthy. I think I share many many similar thoughts as my W about the negative side of our existence. I don't know the context to this message but could just be her supporting one of her struggling friends. I won't dwell on it but it does tend to confirm where her thinking is at the moment.

I see a better future. I believe in the possibility of a better us. I am realistic about the gap that exists.

After rereading, I wanted to state that we are not living a resentful M and although I am not happy with our situation I am determined to remove resentment and negativity from my side of the equation.Being consistent with what I will and won't tolerate from her has helped her side of the equation.

At the moment I don't feel like making an effort to work on the R. But according to Michelle that is exactly when you should most. So later this week I have an opportunity to go out alone with W. I will think on this and invite her this evening.

Appears I needed to talk to ye after all!! Thanks for reading.

I got to go work. Part of my stepping back from this site was to improve focus at work. I am doing OK but am not where I want to be.

Again best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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