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#2736416 03/28/17 10:34 AM
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Lex23 Offline OP
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repost of the most recent events:

I bet I have a story that this site has never heard before.

Last night I had a good opportunity where the kids were in bed early. I decided it was time to let her know that I know about her online affair. She denied it at first but when I pressed her a bit she admitted that it had been going on all year. Then she tried to dodge responsibility for it but I pointed out that it was an affair and that it was wrong. I pointed out that no matter what I did, it could never justify it. I made it clear that I will not live this way and that if she wanted to leave me then she was free to go. She then accepted responsibility and agreed that it was wrong. She said that if it was ok, she wanted to finish the final picture that she was working on of him because she had a lot of hours in and when finished it was going to be a good promotion for her art because it was linked to a movie and going to be on the movie site. She said if she could finish that then she would stop all contact and stop making art for him. I agreed to this.

Then she said to me, "now that this is in the open do you have anything to tell me?" I said that I did not and that I was faithful for this whole year and all the time. she said, "you don't have anything to tell me about what's been going on?" I asked for her to just come out with it. I did not know what has been going on. After quite a bit of coaxing, she said that people had been communicating with daily her via her twitter feed and that they knew everything that she was doing. She said that she thought I was behind it. She said that she thought it was like a Truman show situation where someone was watching her, perhaps for entertainment. I was caught totally off guard but I managed to keep my composure. I assured her that not only was I not behind this but that she knew from our 19 years together that I do not like reality shows and that I would never participate in one. after some more reassurance, she said that she believed me. I validated all her concerns and asked her to show me some examples of the picture communication. she showed me one picture that was a bit specific to her situation but could easily be a coincidence. I asked to see more but she said she did not save any more pictures. she told me about how she would be doing things in the house and then art of the same things would appear in the twitter feed. she said that she had also heard voices once telling her to go to bed when she was up late painting but that no one was there. She said that once the twitter feed was trying to compel her to paint a witch doctor and when she painted something else she thought that someone might be using laughing gas on her and that she had to resist very hard in order not to paint the witch doctor painting. she wanted me to check the space beside our house for signs of tampering. She also said that once S4's blocks had been arranged to spell her artist name. I validated her some more and then asked her to show me in the future when these things happen. However, after some more talking where she said she suspected maybe the CIA was behind it, she agreed that the best move was not to participate. we ended up talking about this for over an hour. She agreed to take a break from twitter for a while. we talked some more about our past and had a good rest of the night. she came to bed with me for the first time in two months. she rubbed on me and we ended up spooning and falling asleep. Then when I got to work this morning she called me and we talked about pleasant things. she never calls me at work unless she needs something.

WTF! She was not kidding me. she has always been very poor at lying. her commitment to this was total. if she was lying then it was a masterpiece of lying.

So I am sitting at work now with my mind a bit blown. I have zero expectations but I do feel pretty good this morning. I won't be surprised at all if she falls back into hating me.

How do I proceed from here? was I right to validate her? I'm pretty much planning to go with the flow for now and see what happens next.

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Lex, I am very concerned about her. All M advice aside, what you are describing are severe paranoia and delusions. Does she have any history of mental health problems or family history?

It sounds as if she believes her delusions to be real--was there any part of her that had insight into herself and how abnormal these stories sound? Or does she simply accept her "reality?" Do you think she would be open to a psychiatrist evaluation?

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Lex23 Offline OP
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There is no way that I can suggest any kind of therapist without starting a fight so I will not do that. She does not have any mental illness in her family that I know of. She slept in the bed with me again last night and is loving on me. She has been very positive and said two significant things. She was glad that I finally noticed that she was having an online EA and seems to be serious about stopping all contact with him after she finishes her current picture. She was glad that I believed her about the spying stuff. She was apparently really worried that I would not believe her so she does at least realize that it's a crazy story. she slept through the night the last two nights, she had been staying up a lot.

I have no idea what will happen next. I think I'm going to have to just let things happen for a bit and see where it goes. Putting all my energy into staying cool and accepting. I'm kind of afraid of her getting close to me for a while and then suddenly pulling back again. So I keep reminding myself to have zero expectations.

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Lex--

When you first came onto this board, I drew some strong parallels between your situation and mine, and if memory serves, I pointed out the significance of your wife's delusional affair, and how it indicates possibly poor mental health.

Sadly, you are not the first nor the only person to show up here with a spouse suffering from delusions. For example, look at this thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2728621&page=3

That thread mentions erotomania (there is a Wikipedia page on it), in which a person constructs a whole world of delusions that support his/her erotic obsession. Your wife may be suffering from it or something related to it.

I have been cautioned by others that I may be too quick to diagnose mental disorders in this forum, and I fully accept that admonition. But in this case I strongly advise that you seek professional opinion/help. You don't have to be the one suffering from a mental health problem to see a professional. They will see family, and it should be covered by insurance. I strongly suggest you shop around a bit -- ask people you know for recommendations. Ask your primary care physician. Find a mental health professional who has experience with this type of a problem. Don't just pick a random therapist. My guess is that you will want to see a psychiatrist (an MD, as opposed to counselors, like those w/ MSW, LCSW titles).

Until/unless you obtain professional input, I would just continue to validate and communicate support and warmth.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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Lex23 Offline OP
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Thanks for the input forgump. I had actually read that thread a few times already. It does seem to have some parallels to my situation. I found out that my insurance will pay for a psychologist. I am going to look for an appropriate one today. It will be for me though. The W will not go.

W initiated R talk with me again last night. She actually took some responsibility for our situation. She has almost never taken responsibility for anything the entire time we have been together so this was huge IMO. She also admitted that she was very sad and she said that it was ok for me to be sad too. This was big as well because she had never liked seeing me display too much emotion and she has always hated seeing any sadness/weakness in me. She seemed drained for the rest of the evening after that so I let her be. Every day is an adventure, I can't wait to see where it takes us next. Hoping for the best.

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Lex, glad you're taking steps to get professional help on this. And yes, even if your W is not ready/willing to go, getting their advice is a good first step. Also, don't underestimate the emotional stress on yourself, and your own psychological health. You may not be having delusions, but you could benefit from counseling as well. Lots of provider/fix-it types like you and me have co-dependency issues.

Your W most likely won't seek professional help until/unless she hits rock bottom. It's nearly impossible for that to happen as long as provider/fix-it partners are there to make sure they are clothed, fed, and housed, and help them deal with all their problems. It feels like a catch-22 to me.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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Posts: 153
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It's a good thing I had no expectations. The reconciling only lasted a few days. She started posting art for celeb again and when I pointed it out she went into such a rage that she broke a plate and threw a glass at me. Luckily, I moved fast and dodged the glass. She says that she hates me and I took over her body when I got her pregnant. She says that we will never have sex again because it makes her sad. Once she calmed down I told her I accepted everything and we should talk about how we are going to separate. Total silence. I asked her what her plan was to prepare to be independent and she has no plan. Over a year has passed and she did not even have a single thought about how she would accomplish this. She expects me to take care of her until she is ready which she admits could take years.

After that she switched back to being kind again. I asked for nothing but she offered to "pull it way back" emotionally with celeb and sleep in bed with me again as long as I understand that we would not have sex. She still wants to go on a previously planned date with me tomorrow.

Taking it one hour at a time because one day at a time is to much to handle.

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So far W is sticking to her promise to stop her online affair. However, she is also sticking to the fact that she wants to divorce "eventually". We are back to being nice to each other but she only wants to be friends. She strongly feels entitled to full support from me however long it takes for her to become financially independent. She feels is so strongly that I can tell that she assumes that it is going to happen. She doesn't even try to hide the fact that it might take years to get set up enough to walk out of our marriage. One other good thing that happened is that W admitted that the last few months were she felt spied on might have been in her head. It seems that once she talked about it out loud it helped her realize that it might not be real.

So, it looks like my challenge now is to figure out how I want to handle this long term "friend" relationship. It's a really tough situation because I want us to both be there for the kids.

What do you think I should be doing at this point? My current plan is to just let things go for a few more months and remain friendly and see if anything new develops. Is this a bad idea? It this a nuclear grade case of cake eating? I know I can do this for a while longer but I don't see myself supporting her for years knowing the whole time that she will walk out at the end. It's all pretty exasperating.

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Originally Posted By: Lex23
What do you think I should be doing at this point? My current plan is to just let things go for a few more months and remain friendly and see if anything new develops. Is this a bad idea? It this a nuclear grade case of cake eating? I know I can do this for a while longer but I don't see myself supporting her for years knowing the whole time that she will walk out at the end. It's all pretty exasperating.


Have you read DR?

What kinds of 'positive change buttons' can you push?

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Lex,

What are the reasons she's given you for not wanting to be married to you any more?

And, regardless of what reasons she's given, what is your best understanding of why she doesn't want to be married to you any more?

Do you believe that her decision process for leaving is generally a rational decision process?


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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