Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[ForGump]

I fantasize about telling him I think I can't do this anymore and he frantically doing everything and anything to win me back. But the passion isn't there, it hasn't been since before the affair. It hasn't been there since shortly after we married.

S- sorry you're struggling w/ this. I would too. What you're saying brings to mind what my XW wanted -- she wanted to feel intense pursuit, desire from me. You're very different than her but, nonetheless, it brings to mind what made HER feel good. Maybe some reflection about Perel's ideas might help? Some amount of distance is OK? Obviously you don't want too much, and his having acted upon his impulses doesn't help frame that gulf in intimacy very well.... Wish you a better week.

[ForGump]

Sara?

[BluWave]

Sara, I hope you are well! Update us soon!

Hugs,
Blu

[PsySara]

Hi friends! Sorry about being MIA, recently work had picked up and I am barely able to make time for self care.

WH and I had our first R talk a few nights ago. I kept it brief but again WH says he is conflicted and struggling to bond with me. I didn't REACT but rather validated and then told him, "I miss us. I miss what we had. I look forward to the future where we can heal and start to move forward. But right now the affair is a big elephant in the room and we can't move forward until we deal with it. I am not expecting you to grovel or self flagellate but I need to see some more action on your part." The entire time WH was staring at an Ipad and mumbling his replies. I brought up Retrouville and he basically mumbled he would do whatever I asked. So I backed off because dragging him to therapy or help had backfired in the past.

I weaned off the AD and the nightmares returned as well as the sleep disturbances. I wake around 3-5 am and can't sleep again. I am exhausted but I had gained 20 pounds on the AD, even with the gym, and was uncomfortable. I had gone to the IC who had tried to give us MC (and suggested I divorce WH in our session) but started to sense she wasn't really trying to help me. She would start the session late and end it early.

I continue to DB because it's the only thing that I can do. I think of calling my coach but after 11 sessions I already know what will be suggested. I can only move our R forward if WH gets motivated. I continue to GAL, enjoy my wonderful kids and work on a PMA. I also have worked very hard on controlling my anger and examining why I feel so angry, sometimes I think my reactions is disproportionate to the perceived offense. But my M is in limbo and sometimes I fantasize about filing D and moving on, finding someone who will move heaven and earth to show me love and loyalty. I just feel like plan B right now.

[skyhigh]

Sara,
You are only 2 months into piecing... I totally understand your anger and impatience but talking with him about R do sooo is not going to be a positive experience, you are only going to get hurt by his comments and attitude. The more you will push the more he will withdraw. Give him space and time.

Give yourself at least 6 months before any preliminary R conversations.
He is still in the depression/withdrawal phase. he is not ready to have any conversations because he is still processing his actions and his feelings and most probably he is on the fence. So any R or emotional conversations will push him away.

I know it's tough to be on that limbo position because it has been going on since a while, and somehow you are craving to have some stability in your life for you and your kids.

Hang there! Believe me I totally feel your frustration/ anger, I was almost ready to file at one point during that period, it got worst at one point and suddenly it improved with me doing nothing . It just happened, may be because I was do detached and fed up, with no more pressure or expectations from me, he was to see things in a more "peaceful " manner. It's when I was ready to give up when he changed... sometimes less is better.

Big hug,

[ForGump]

Good IC's are hard to find, no?

Sorry to hear what's going on ...

I hope you can at least solve the sleep problem....

[Ginger1]

I have had success with Zoloft and not gaining weight. Others had caused me to gain weight. As I am sure you know, often the weight gain comes from feeling better and being able to eat better. I think your mental health and sleep are probably most important right now. Exercise is 20%. What you eat is 80%. Perhaps be more mindful of that. But you need to be rested and without nightmares to keep going.

You do what you can, but I still feel like you feel like if just do this, or that, you can get him to feel differently. DB is great, but we can be the best DB'ers in the world, but if he isn't really in that place, YOU cannot put him there. He needs ot deal with his own isssues and depression, and he will only do that if and when he is ready.

Take care of yourself, ok?

[skyhigh]

I took Wellbutrin XL, I didn't gain any weight.
The primary goal of DB is for you to feel better and help you to gain healthy mechanisms to deal with the situation.
Keep venting, if your IC is not the right one, may be just find a friend willing to listen to you a few days a week...

Piecing takes months or even a few years. Like you I wanted to speed that process and each time I tried, it was a mistake. Live your life in the present, enjoy the moments you can have with him and your kids. Love is based on attachment not passion, it's a step by step process too.

Keep those acts of kindness and keep your anger under control, anger is destructive and it doesn't show you under your best. They liked OW because most of the time they were sweet and stroking their egos, I know it was a fantasy relationship but it felt real for them, it brought them pleasure and a positive outlook about themselves. During piecing, they are still on the fence and missing those feelings. I noticed every time I "acted" as OW he was responding in a positive manner, I know it [censored], but at least he was happy and I could feel him moving closer. Believe me some days it was tough to act like that, but I had my eyes on the bigger picture.

Big hugs

[PsySara]

So a little update; WH's cousin has been staying a few weeks and will be heading home in a week. She has been a vital alliance to the marriage and she knows what happened. My WH considers her a very close friend as well as his cousin. Last night WH and I had a quickie and then I went to bed. Later I came out to get a glass of water and overheard a convo between them.

WH was talking about the OW and how much it hurt when she broke off the affair. He said, "I was willing to give 100% of myself if she would have just married me and she didn't. So I think it's a mistake to give so much of yourself to anyone." I could hear his cousin gently ask him about me and the marriage. Basically WH said he felt I had abandonment issues and wouldn't let him leave. He said he was unable to "feign" emotion for me and he didn't feel for me what he felt for OW. I felt my blood drain to my feet. He went on to also say that I was "too much" in love with him and he felt I was afraid no one would want me. He also said he felt okay if we broke apart because he knew he'd be able to get another woman. She asked him about the fact that we share a home, marriage, children and a bed. He mumbled something about sleeping on the floor (which he has done on and off) and that we were basically room mates. Keep in mind we had just ML about an hour ago.

There was more but that was the jist of it. I texted WH that I needed to talk with him tonight after the kids were in bed, that I had overheard the convoersation last night. He simply replied, "Okay :)" The smiley threw me...I guess he is hunky dory with the fact I overheard all that. I am gutted, truly I am. I think it's time for me to give up and admit this marriage is not salvageable. WH has zero respect for me and I am apparently a piece of @sss to him. He even told her how much I had changed for the better but he couldn't "love" me, just care for me.

So the kids have been bathed and I will put them to bed soon. Part of me is relieved, I am tired of waiting for WH to decide if I am worthy enough. I still see no real remorse and very little effort from him, and I see no real change in him.

[skyhigh]

I have no words. Only you know what's best for you.
Whatever is your decision today, tomorrow or in a few months, I am with you.

((((hugs))))