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#2736159 03/26/17 06:26 PM
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Here I am on my next thread. I don't think I'm going to do this right, but here's an attempt to link to my last thread:

MLC? Maybe you can tell me...

25years, I really want to thank you for reading my story and taking the time to give me such wonderful feedback. I've seen you post on a couple of other threads so I was downright giddy when you visited mine, as you seem to have a lot of experience and wisdom to impart. So thank you.

You're right about the term MLC and why I need to hang on to that. It's so much easier to blame depression and crisis for a sudden change in a spouse than it is to believe that they just decided one day that you weren't good enough to make them happy anymore. When I'm feeling down on myself the devil on my shoulder tries to get me to believe it, but most of the time I believe there's something more to this. But you're also right in that the end result is the same and the action that I should be taking is the same. So I'm going to concentrate on where I am now, not get bogged down in what caused it.

I can't remember which thread I read it on - it may have been the Jack 3 Beans thread, but I'm trying to use my anger as my shield and not my sword. What I'm going through because of him is so painful, and I'm so angry with the way that he's behaving. But I'm going to be the best me that I can be, because you're right - what's the alternative? I'm either going to be awesome and he's going to realize he was crazy to let me go, or I'm going to be so awesome that I'll be ready to find someone who deserves me. I'm just trying to fill my brain with the positive thoughts enough that there just isn't any room for the negative.

I've spent a lot of time really clearing my head and looking at our separation agreement from a practical standpoint. I think I know what I want to do now and how to approach him in our meeting. I think I can get what I need without totally screwing him, and with that I will be able to sleep at night. I do feel bad because I know that this is going to financially strap him and I don't think it will be as fantastic being divorced as he thinks it will be. I pray for him because I do love him and I hate to see him to do this to himself. But I think for now, we have separate paths to walk. I'm going to concentrate on selling our house, finding somewhere new for the girls and I, and really putting my energy into that. I'm going to let God work on my love life while I'm doing the other stuff. LOL.

Leaving tomorrow for a week on the Florida gulf coast with my girls. After a NY winter, I'm pretty excited to get warm in the sunshine and see my parents. I hope you all have a blessed week... I'm so thankful to have found this board. smile


Me : 42
Him : 43
M : 18, T : 19
D13, D11
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 70
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Bird Offline OP
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Hey, what do you know? I linked it! Woohoo!

Also, I don't know if anyone has read the book The Art of Racing in the Rain - if you're a dog lover, you really should - it's told by the dog and his owner is a race car driver. He talks about why he was so good at driving on a wet track and said the key is to keep your eyes ahead - be planning for coming out of the curve before you're even driving into it. Always be looking ahead and planning for that part of the track. That passage has always stuck with me. So I'm trying to apply that to my life right now - eyes on the next curve.


Me : 42
Him : 43
M : 18, T : 19
D13, D11
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
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Look ahead....... after all that is where you are heading. Nice choice of title


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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job Offline
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Thank you for starting a new thread and yes, you most certainly did link it! Congratulations! I knew you could do it!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Bird,

You sound like you are in better spirits. Enjoy the week with the girls in Florida! I hope you get to pamper yourself with a massage or something.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Bird,

Thinking of you and hoping you and your girls had a great vacation and that you got some sun and fund and...a mental/emotional break from the situation...all the best!


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 70
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Bird Offline OP
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Thanks Gordie! We had a really good time. Weather was warm and we got to see both the sun (gasp!) and grass (double gasp!) so that was pretty cool.

Coming back to reality really hit me hard waiting for the plane to take off yesterday. One step forward, two steps back.

No confirmation on OW yet although they were spotted together last week in the lobby of his building by a coworker. I guess they're public now? It's awesome hearing all of this from colleagues instead of from him. I guess if he doesn't tell me he doesn't have to acknowledge it.

We have our meeting on Saturday where we are going to discuss some compromises regarding custody and support. Hoping it goes well but I never know which side of him I'm going to get so we'll see.

So the big thing happening is that when we got to FL last Monday, D12 wouldn't take off her sweater (it was 85) and wanted me to buy her a "really big bandaid" because she cut her arm. Long story short, she cut her arm many many times, with a shaving razor. She had her appt with the therapist today, so I texted the therapist some pics that I took inconspicuously on vacation. I was curious if it was what I thought it was. And it is. D12 denied it when I lightly questioned her about it, which I guess is a hallmark of cutting as well. Therapist asked me to join them for the beginning of the session and I texted H and told him he might want to come as well. He is in full denial first that she was actually cutting and second that it is because of the separation. In the session, she fully admitted that she's cutting and speculated that she doesn't think it is because of the separation (I was worried H would stick to this) but the therapist kind of gently tossed that idea. She told us that it's common and it's a sign of a 12 year old kid who is having trouble emotionally coping with what is happening in her life. He didn't have much to say after he and I left the session, just that we'd talk about it later. He still wants to believe that this isn't destroying our kids. And at this point I don't think he even cares what it's doing to me.

So, kind of a rough night. I'm exhausted from travel, first day back to work in a week, carting D12 around all day and being constantly amazed at H's betrayal and oblivion, the total 180 in his personality since last year. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of being strong and I'm tired of everyone commending me for being strong. I just want someone else to be strong for a while. And I still have a house to pack and get on the market ASAP. I feel like I would have such an easier time GAL if I could just get off the merry go round.


Me : 42
Him : 43
M : 18, T : 19
D13, D11
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
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i am so sorry you and your family are going thru this. i had a lot of stress packing, staging, selling and moving, but my son was not overtly acting out.

I cannot imagine how you must feel, and I'm very sorry for your situation. You have a very positive approach in that you're focusing on yourself and what you can do and leaving the rest up to God. Good plan! Stick with that and you'll go far !!! xoxoxoxo

{{{{{hugs and rest}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I am so sorry to read what you and your family are going through. Stress does so many things to people. I'm glad you and your daughter are going to see the therapist and I hope that he/she can help your daughter navigate this stressful time in her life and help her find other ways to relieve the stress.

Keep up the good work and stay positive. I think you've got a good handle on your situation and know exactly what you need to do to keep you and your girls safe and happy.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Bird,

The cutting thing is terrible in and of itself but I have learned the hard way that is a warning signal of other things that are going on or may be coming. I don't mean to scare you, but these other forms of self harm manifest themselves as eating disorders, unhealthy sexual relationships, substance abuse and even suicide. I hope your counselor talks about these things with you and your H. I do suggest talking to your d and snooping. Maybe you and she can spend more alone time together--maybe a weekend away--something to make her open up. Depending upon her school, you may also want to discuss with them as these behaviors may take place there.

Re getting tired of being strong? I hear you 100%. Here's where you really need a friend or faith, someone with whom you can be weak and let it all out. You need that. Cry and let someone else be strong for you.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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