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25yearsmlc #2736137 03/26/17 03:14 PM
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Oh, I don't mention the friend my H is talking to. They were monogamous until he entered what I now see as MLC and asked his wife to try poly and then left her six months later.

As to my H thinking the EX/OM is "easier", I shake my head. You have no idea. Their health WILL continue to plummet, transitioning is incredibly challenging, and they turn their anger inwards by engaging in anorexia and self-harming behaviours. A lot of their demands to move out immediately have been expressed by saying their suicidal and they have a choice to move out or die. I mean, the emotional blackmail is unreal. And, then asking me why, when I learned they were suicidal, why didn't I jump to help them move out. But, "easier".

If I had to choose between child support and primary custody, I would go with primary custody. I don't trust either of them with my D10. She's highly sensitive and anxious, and they're not super patient with her. They make good coparents but I can't imagine her in a house that I'm not in. I'm her anchor. My S7 is easier to caretake and is bonded strongly with both EX/OM and me, but I wouldn't want to see the two separated. I will stay in the house, and I think keeping their space will probably be comforting. But, the laws are pretty fierce here and he can't NOT owe my child custody. He can not pay it, for sure, but he will have to owe it to me.

Yes, H very much views me as the never happy, always critical, etc. I am trying hard to give him nothing. We just returned from climbing today, and he managed to throw me off my game for a minute and I just went to the bathroom (for too long) and did a whole lot of deep breathing in a stall. I did wind up addressing what bothered me and I wish I'd just shut it. But, I got out of my momentary funk and just focused on my D10's climbing efforts.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
#2736273 03/27/17 03:36 PM
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My H told me last Sunday that he intends to move out soon. I do not really believe him, especially given that he is pretty low energy most of the time and the amount of work it would require for him to move out is pretty high. All of the tasks related to moving out are things that would normally fall to me to organize (looking online, calling people, the emotional labour, etc.). But, as a result of that, I did a great job of engaging in full on detachment for the rest of the week and implementing a harder LRT. I kept busy, started working out, prioritized self care, and all the right things. I also actually felt happy, REALLY HAPPY, in many moments; I would even say I felt flooded with joy on Saturday morning. It's so great to realize that I can actually meet my own emotional needs once I realized that seeking support/care from him is a cheeseless tunnel right now.

And, then, on Sunday, we had a bit of a hard interaction. We were rock climbing with our D10. I had asked him to coach me up a wall. Rock climbing has been this great, fun space for us that has been accessible even when we were really upset with one another. I love how into my climbing he gets. So, I went up the wall and he was coaching me and then... he was gone. I was on an auto belay, so there was no safety issue. I felt quite hurt, and I was surprised by how hurt I felt. I took a deep breath and then "went to the bathroom" to recollect myself. We had a brief discussion about it -- I tried to keep it superficial and it seemed sort of awkward.

We have been spending Sunday nights together, historically. So, after the kids were organized, he engaged me in a conversaation about the afternoon and we debriefed together. He was a human being in that conversation, took some accountability, and seemed committed to ensuring our time together was positive. He said, "I think I'm going to go hide downstairs now, because sometimes after we have fun together, we fight and I don't want to do that. But, maybe tomorrow, when you get home from work, we can play the video game together."

I told him that I had already thought we shouldn't spend anymore time together, thanked him for debriefing, and wished him a good night.

So, today, I am "on call" which means I work later than usual. H works from home and we had the morning at home together. I found myself hoping for his time and attention, and I found myself disappointed when it wasn't available. I engaged him a couple of times, but when he pulled a passive aggressive glare at me, I backed all the way off. I realize that detachment was easy when I was just avoiding him altoghether, but I'm not sure how to STAY detached when he's nice to me/reminds me of the man I love (who is in there somewhere?). How do I accept great interactions without allowing myself to expect anything?


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2736285 03/27/17 06:37 PM
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Sorry you are here, but welcome.

As for how to how you accept the good interactions, without expecting more while he is in-house? Try thinking of him as a house guest and treat him accordingly. If you can reframe him as a guest your expectations will be drastically different.

Nice job on the self care.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2736288 03/27/17 07:13 PM
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Survive,

Your situation sounds awkward but at least you still interact. That means he'll see your GAL and pull back.

As for how to detach...I only know one way. ( I mean, aside from the cognitive work you seem to be doing already.) cool

And it's by GAL. I know it's hammered here a lot b/c it works) but it's because GAL means filling your time with things other than obsessing and pining. It feels better to GAL and almost immediately helps you get to the "other side" of this.

Plus it gets us out with new people who don't all know your situation, or remind you of it.

And getting out of our comfort zones really is a growing thing.

Pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth

or bitterness and victimhood. In the end, it's our choice. I know you're on your way.

I missed your original thread about the kids ages and background issues. I'll try to track it down. What would he say if he were here? And whatever he says, if you think some of what he says is valid, have you started to work on those pieces? Not for him, but b/c you want to become the best you that you can be.

Have you consulted with a L? You don't have to retain them, or "Do" anything, just get some info. Knowledge really is power.

And keep on keeping on.

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
25yearsmlc #2736295 03/27/17 08:37 PM
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If he were here, he would say

1) I am too controlling
2) I'm selfish and my needs always come first
3) I rely on him far too much to get my emotional needs met. Way too needy.
4) I don't take no for an answer
5) He's tired of having to ask me for permission to do things
6) I don't do my fair share around the house

I've always perceived him as easy going, and so I just make all the decisions because he never has any input. Where do you want to eat? "I don't know." So, I just start suggesting things. Turns out he's just been repressing a whole bunch of emotions.

Yes, I have done some hard work on those pieces. It's super painful. I know I let my network/social life/hobbies collapse when I was experiencing compassion fatigue as a social worker. I also realized that my story of overcoming a very difficult childhood is very much tied into my relationship with him, so part of my reaction was the total loss of my identity and the concept of being a survivor being placed at risk. I've rewritten that story, GAL, re done a lot of my friendships, and owned that I am probably a love addict according to one of the 1 million self help books I read. Specifically, maybe NO ONE can live up to my standards of an intimate relationship, especially not a love avoidant, and that I need to have much lower expectations of others. I cannot expect unconditional positive regard from anyone all the time. The other super painful piece I got from my therapist was that I am so uncomforable with anger (see childhood issues =) ), that no one who gets close to me ever shows me anger. And, a lot of people who never show anger is because they have no selves, no boundaries to get angry about, so I have to get comfortable with modulated anger (god, is THAT scary). Today, I had an A-HA moment about H's passive aggressive behaviour - because he verbally would never admit he was angry, because I wouldn't tolerate it so he acted passive aggressively but then denied he was angry. That, of course, made me feel crazy and then I needed to have 1,000,000 conversations with him to try to figure out what the heck was going on. He seems to know I'm doing my work. He said to me yesterday, "You've been so happy lately, so ridiculously happy, it makes me want to read whatever book you've been reading." I talked about realizing I am capable of meeting my own needs and the neuroplasticity of the brain is focusing on the positives through gratitude.

I also think that, in the past, I've let big emotions prevent me from doing my adult responsibilities too often. During this crisis, I've had to do lots of things no matter how shitty I was feeling. I know he has felt that things fell to him unfairly when I was struggling emotionally. I'm trying really, REALLY, hard to do the things I say I will do NO MATTER WHAT and to be cautious about making commitments.

I am doing those things for him, but I'm also not doing them for him. I reframe to myself all the time that these things will make me happier no matter what happens in the future. I am trying to not initiate the conversations related to my inner work with him because I don't want him to think I'm trying to "prove" anything to him, but it's so hard because I'm also fascinated by everything that I read. I'm so glad I'm a social worker because all of this attachment stuff, codependency stuff, interpersonal neurobiology, and positive psychology will come in so useful for work, too!

My kids are daughter, 10 and son, 7. Great, great kids. Light of my life. Kids seem to be managing pretty okay, but I worry about them.

I did see a L a while ago, but I will need to go see another one. Unfortunately, the L I saw is the president of the board at my new place of work, so I have to find a new one. Too bad, I really liked her. But, I really like the idea of saying that they can talk to my L and leave me out of it. I can even say that I find it too overwhelming and don't trust myself to make good decisions in this moment re finances, so I am taking my lawyer's advice on all issues. Yes! Then I can avoid mean, icky conversations, whew. I'll get in touch with a new lawyer this week.

Tomorrow, I go climbing with EX/OM. EX/OM is far more likely to try to push me on these issues and I'm trying to figure out how to navigate that. It's obvious that H didn't tell them that he is "thinking" about continuing to live with me. Even if he's just stringing me along, he didn't tell EX/OM that, and I don't want to tell EX/OM who might then push him to be "more clear" with me. Or be seen as trying to break down their trust. So, maybe deflect and just say that I want to keep things light and happy and allow us a chance to have fun, social time together that supports our long-term relationship.

Random thing of the day: H told me that it was "sexy" that I was cleaning the cat boxes as a way of thanking me for making sure it got done. He said it twice. I sort of ignored it and just acknowledged that I have finally realized I need to ensure I create systems for myself because I have a terrible (ADHD) memory.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2736323 03/28/17 05:13 AM
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Surv1ve,

I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. It makes it easier for our readers and you to follow your situation.

Thanks!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2736342 03/28/17 06:58 AM
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Can do! I'll make time to find and read the board etiquette!


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2736426 03/28/17 10:55 AM
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Don't worry about it. As long as I can manipulate the data on this forum, I'll merge the threads, etc., when I see them.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2736985 03/31/17 01:53 PM
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I have a question for you folks.

Easter is coming up. We typically spend at least one portion of Easter at his parents' home. We were there in February before BD#2 and it was a rough go for me. Our previous agreements were that we "act normal" and that I can access both H and EX/OM for support for the management of anxiety that comes up at his parents' home. Last time we went there, they both violated this agreement.

I realize I will be asked to go to the parents' house for Easter. The parents are accepting of our family and they have good relationships with both EX/OM and me. On one hand, I could just skip it and save myself an awkward experience or I could go and try to play super happy for 5 hours (god, that sounds like a lot of work right now), or I could say that I would rather spend Easter somewhere else given my previous discomfort and their violation of our agreements. His parents' are generally reserved and cold, and I'm also trying to do LRT right now.

Do I go and play happy?
Do I skip it and send the kids without me? If so, what explanation do I give?
Do I decline and say I would rather plan to take the kids here and I'm just not interested this year?

What does an LBS spouse do with awkward inlaw experiences? In laws know something is going on bc H broke his hand on the wall and EX/OM freaked out and brought the kids there and also slept the night that night but they don't "know the details and don't want the details".

Thoughts?

And thank you all of you!


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2736990 03/31/17 02:20 PM
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I would not go for the sake of helping them project a happy family when it is an unpleasant experience for you. My kids are older so they have communicated to me that they were well aware there were problems in the marriage before anything became known.

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