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Originally Posted By: jbroken
Folks,

I finally made the time to order a copy of DR. I hope I can benefit from it to better my current sitch.

As I understand I could have done a lot more with it if my W had not left. But, I'm hoping I'll still get some lessons and put things in practice.

Any advice on which chapter to read through first? I should I just start from the beginning?



Yes. Trust this process and so much more will make sense here, if you actually implement the process.

And that begins with reading the book. Chapter 1 has been online for awhile, but

better late than never. Sorry buddy but there are no short cuts.

We'd have found them if there were. God knows we all looked.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: jbroken
Leahsue,

Thanks for your support and your kind words.

I've gone through Sandi's rules but I feel it doesn't apply in this situation.


cry Almost everyone says this^^ but yes, it does apply. You resist the advice given here. You want to find the short cut. I understand that. None of us like being in pain.

But if You want to be "right" and not actually DO something different and uncomfortable,

other than to form words in just the right order to get her back, you'll prolong your agony. As a L, I'm used to that thinking ("what are the right words??") but in this situation words always fail.

You can't talk your way out of a situation that behaviors got you into.

You say you have changed, but how so? Can you read the book that forms the basis of this site? It has been suggested since you posted here your first day. The first chapter is free and available...

This^^^^ reveals something about you. Can you tell us what that would be?



My wife has gone back to her mother's in another city, in another country.

She was adamant about divorce. What she did and the way and the way she did it. It's been six days and I'm still in shock.

We were having problems for a couple of years and we did have separation for three months - 03/11/16 to 3/02/17.


what changed during this^^ year long separation? Can you name 2 specific changes in your behaviors?



But from the moment she left I have been trying to win her back. When she came back home, I did everything possible to show her that I was changing - with words and actions. She didn't respond to anything. In fact she did everything in her power to make us fight, be uncooperative, stop intimacy. And now this approximately six weeks later.

why did you guys reconcile in the first place, if she only wanted to leave the marriage?


I don't know how much more of this I have to bear. And I feel ashamed.



I'm sorry you feel shame. Shame/shaming often silences us.

Realizing our part in the demise of our marriage can be devastating. However, shame is usually a counter productive waste.

Learn from your mistakes and make real, lasting changes, b/c you want to be the best YOU that you can be.

DBing isn't really about saving our marriages; it's about saving ourselves. Obviously that helps marriages too, and sometimes it saves them.

But changes made only to get a spouse back, are tactics, not authentic improvements.

Brene Brown has some TED Talks on shame and vulnerability that I think will help you with this part of your grief. Once you acknowledge your issues and are working on them (for real)

then stop the rumination. It's not healthy or helpful in this situation. In the event your w turns her head to look, you want to present yourself with the best you, that you can be.

What were you like when you two married? How'd you attract her to you, then?

Your ultimate goal in self actualization (other than that, itself)

is to become a man only a fool would leave.

make sense?



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: jbroken
Sunmoon,

I hear you loud and clear.I presume you and your H are still under the same roof? If so, your DB'ing has more chances of succeeding. You hang in there.

Also, I've made a point to avoid pubs, bars and clubs during this time. In this frame of mind I prefer to stay clear of alcohol.


Oh my gosh, yes. my friends are wanting me to drink my feelings away, and I just can't. I know the feelings will be there in the morning along with a terrible hangover and I can't deal. yes we are. things seem up one minute, then not. today was a bad day. he went to a co workers house last night after work for some beers, I never texted him, I said okay and let him be. got home fairly decent time (1:30) came straight to bed. this morning, he had asked if we were going to go hang out with my family (we do this every sunday). i said i wasnt sure because I am under the weather right now but he acted like he wanted to, so I agreed. when we got there he was very reserved, barely engaging in any conversation, completely avoided me. went to leave (we had to drive separate because he had to go to work from there) i intentionally avoided any physical contact with him because of the aloofness he was putting out all day, thought maybe he wanted space, but then he got frustrated that I never initiated a good bye hug and kiss. What the?? I just can't understand. confused


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Originally Posted By: jbroken
Friends,

I'm feeling bit down today. I think I'm also coming down with the flu so that doesn't really help matters.

Keep recalling about the things she was saying while she walking out - 'we would eventually get a divorce anyways', 'this is a bad marriage', 'I haven't been happy for too long', 'I'm ending this vicious cycle', 'I'm done trying', 'it's too late'. Then five minutes later, 'I love you but I don't want to be with you'. To top it off she was giving me encouragement 'you will get through this', 'you need to move on'. So painful to hear that I can't really describe in words. What possesses a person to be so cruel, so selfish, to someone she supposedly still 'loves'? I mean you are leaving your H - a person - but, you have the frame of mind to strip our home, get movers to pack things, down to our wedding pictures, anniversary presents I bought her - the man she is leaving behind. Then to ignore my messages, ignore my parents' messages, block me and my parents on Instagram. I still can't seem to get to grips with the way my W has gone about this. That too, after twelve years. What kind of person does this? It's borderline sadistic. How could she think she doing the right thing the way she is? Makes me wonder if this is the same person. Or worst, that I've never really known her.


oh jbroken, I am so sorry. you took the words out of my mouth. your best friend, someone that knows all of your secrets, insecurities, the person you trusted with your life, stripping everything you know from you just like that...these last 2 weeks have by far been the hardest of my life. I too often wonder if I knew my H at all. If he ever showed his true person to me. I feel like in the little you have posted that we are a lot alike, we think the same when it comes to love and loyalty. I don't give up on something just because it isn't ideal. I want to fix it. I am loyal, too loyal I guess. as much as I want to say there are still loyal and honest people in the world, it's hard for me to see that right now. people these days would much rather take the easy way out than want to fix the issue. it is the mentality of our society. even in the material world, if it breaks, you just go buy a new one. wasteful. and humans have started doing this to other humans. I am disgusted above all else. I am sad for you because I know the pain you are going through. I think about the love, the time, the emotions, the everything I invested in him, only for him to throw me away like a piece of trash because I don't fit his "ideal woman" anymore. Love is more than a feeling; it is a commitment, I take my vows seriously and I am willing to fight until I have no fight left in me. I have been going through the anger stage the last two days and I find myself thinking, "scr*w it, I don't even care, I deserve better" and then the next I'm sobbing because I can't think of life without him. it's crazy. please keep updating us, it is therapy for all of us.


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And, might I add, I don't let him see my tears, only my smiles. and it is extremely hard to slap one on my face right now. I'd rather get teeth pulled than to slap a fake smile on my face because all I want to do is shake some sense into him and show him my true feelings.


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25yearsmlc,

I wasn't looking for any shortcuts. I just wanted to know if there is a more immediate part I should read first due to the pressing nature of my sitch e.g. LRT.

Also, our separation was three months - 3rd November 2016 to 4th February 2017. During the separation, I must have broken practically all the DB rules - I did not have the benefit of this forum then. Whilst I did do that, what I also did was work on the issues my W had with me - short temper, lack of appreciation, etc. When she came back, I put forward my best self - showed appreciation, never lost my temper, left love quotes all over the house, etc. All this while she was trying to bait me into arguments, pushing me to lose my temper, disrespecting me, abusing me, throwing the past in my face. I put all my issues with her to one side and focused only on what mine were. And things would be up one minute and down the next. I still kept going. And I was cracking her. I was working through the bitterness. I saw glimpses of her love return. But, came home one day from work and boom that's it. It is as if she had made-up her mind come what may, regardless of what she saw, she was going to pack up her life and leave. She did not want to give us time. That's all I believed we needed. I still believe. No doubt she was egged on my bad advice from close mutual 'friends' and my own mother-in-law! Taking advantage of bad situation to make her see the grass is greener on the other side. Talk about people with unclean hearts.


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You are absolutely one hundred percent correct Sunmoon. You never give up on the people you love. Never. You stick through the rough patch. That is what I believe at my very core. The way my W has gone about doing this has really made me feel like our vows meant nothing to her. That she never really truly loved me. Painting me out to be the worst husband on the planet. So much so that my own mother-in-law goes to me 'this is a bad marriage' and 'why has my daughter lost her confidence then?'. Not one of our common 'friends' even now could say ever put her down. I always built her up. Picked her up. I supported her in every possible way. I took on a personal loan on myself of $50000 to invest in her starting up her own business. Only because I wanted her to live out her dream rather than be a corporate slave. I went without things, sacrificed myself so I could give her best I could afford. I single handedly supported the entire marriage financially - that too in London! And now I'm a 'bad husband'! Does that sound like one to you. I'm not saying I wasn't without faults. And I admitted them. I worked on them. I'm still working on them. But, to blame me for everything wrong in the entire M. I mean how can you even justify that your head?

And the worst part is that I have hardly spoken of her faults to anyone really. Even now, I still can't bring myself to do it. A part of me, wishes to yell from the roof tops - at how I've been wronged here, how I've been treated, at her part to play in our current sitch. But, based on the good advice given here, I'm fighting this temptation. Really hard. And yes, a part of me screams out 'screw you, you don't deserve me' and then it's a spiral to 'forgive, win her back with love, with compassion'.


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Originally Posted By: jbroken
You are absolutely one hundred percent correct Sunmoon. You never give up on the people you love. Never. You stick through the rough patch. That is what I believe at my very core. The way my W has gone about doing this has really made me feel like our vows meant nothing to her. That she never really truly loved me. Painting me out to be the worst husband on the planet. So much so that my own mother-in-law goes to me 'this is a bad marriage' and 'why has my daughter lost her confidence then?'. Not one of our common 'friends' even now could say ever put her down. I always built her up. Picked her up. I supported her in every possible way. I took on a personal loan on myself of $50000 to invest in her starting up her own business. Only because I wanted her to live out her dream rather than be a corporate slave. I went without things, sacrificed myself so I could give her best I could afford. I single handedly supported the entire marriage financially - that too in London! And now I'm a 'bad husband'! Does that sound like one to you. I'm not saying I wasn't without faults. And I admitted them. I worked on them. I'm still working on them. But, to blame me for everything wrong in the entire M. I mean how can you even justify that your head?

And the worst part is that I have hardly spoken of her faults to anyone really. Even now, I still can't bring myself to do it. A part of me, wishes to yell from the roof tops - at how I've been wronged here, how I've been treated, at her part to play in our current sitch. But, based on the good advice given here, I'm fighting this temptation. Really hard. And yes, a part of me screams out 'screw you, you don't deserve me' and then it's a spiral to 'forgive, win her back with love, with compassion'.


yes, yes and yes. lol. I ended up spilling the beans to his parents today. his dad was asking how he was and I broke down crying. I by no means threw him under the bus, if anything I told them i was mostly to blame. they told me not to blame myself, they know their son can be an @**. that its always 50/50, and that if I needed someone to talk to, they were there. his dad was shocked, and said he would have never seen that coming. I am a very trustworthy, honest, caring, passionate and loving person. My h has said all these things about me himself. so why?? why? if all the important things are there, what is it about me that isn't good enough? just because I dont like to watch sports and be social all the time? and that I long for quality time with him? c'mon!! it angers me, and then I cry. and Then I get pissed and want to walk out- and then i cry. we had a bad day today. he gets home from work in 45 minutes and I'm not sure how its gonna go. he texted me on his break saying once again, he's "confused". I really feel like there is a deeper issue going on here that has nothing to do with me.

Last edited by Cadet; 03/26/17 08:05 PM. Reason: Start a new thread messages

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jbroken, I hope you will take this in the kindest most sincere way because your anguish is palpable and I want to do nothing to make it worse. That said, I feel like you are losing yourself in the details. You are recounting all the horrible things she said and arguing with us about them and treating them as if they are real and need to be defended against. There is a reason you are not supposed to believe anything she says at this point. That reason is that she doesn't know what she is saying and as many have discussed in their posts on this site, she will deny having said most of them.

You have to detach. If you can't detach from the idea of her, detach from the meaningless words. Detach from the idea that this is the wife you knew and loved talking. Let go of your expectations and, here is the hard one, let go of your hope. That's the one that kills.

As much as you want to hold on because you are afraid of losing her and afraid of her floating away, let go even harder. Let her go and live this life that she thinks has been eluding her. Stop trying to convince her and everyone else how much you love her and have done for her. Let her go out in the cold, dark night without you. Give her time and space so her thoughts can settle. As corny as that imagery sounds, it really is the best one--be her lighthouse. Be where she left you (but a stronger, calmer and happier you). Be bright and strong and reliable. Be kind and loving (from afar). Let her decide how close to shore she can risk coming.

If you try to hold onto her this hard, she will slip through your fingers. I know, I was standing there holding on for 7 years doing anything I could to stop him from moving out. I cried, I screamed, I begged, I manipulated, I threatened, and guess what, he went anyway (he forced me to push him out, but he was definitely the one who wanted to be gone).

Something about this site and these people are turning me into a believer. The more I let go of him, the more I find myself. And you know what, I'm a pretty awesome person and I bet you are too. I didn't know that before. I believed I was the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. Not good enough.

Let her go. Let go for you. Give her a chance to find her way back to you because it is what she wants.

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Quote:
Something about this site and these people are turning me into a believer. The more I let go of him, the more I find myself. And you know what, I'm a pretty awesome person and I bet you are too. I didn't know that before. I believed I was the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. Not good enough.


That's the true meaning of this site - to heal and become stronger. Good on ya!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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