Wading through. I think I'm dealing with a MLC.

[leahsue]

Cadence,
I know you have mixed feelings about the new apartment and leaving the dream house, but try to see this as an awesome new chapter for you. As you shed the pain of late that you've felt in the house, see the apartment as a wide open possibility for a happy, safe place for you and your plants. I don't say that in jest- I, too, have developed a green thumb and take much comfort in gardening, especially this time of year. To me, these blooms that are popping open represent new life, both in nature and in me. Let's try and enjoy this season of our lives, as painful and dark as it seems today. There is always hope, and wonderful things ahead for both of us. I hate that you had to come on this board, but I'm so glad to have met you. I love reading your posts-you have a very level, wise head on you and I think you are making good decisions and standing your ground. You are going to be just fine. Have a wonderful day!

[cadence]

Thanks, Leahsue. I hate that both of us are on here, too. I can't imagine your pain of being cheated on, but I must say that I'm envious that your husband hasn't asked for a divorce.

Let's try and enjoy this season of our lives, as painful and dark as it seems today. There is always hope, and wonderful things ahead for both of us.

Yes. I hope so. I know that I'm probably not going to date for some months to come. I'm not ready and I'd just attract someone with issues. I'm scared to be lonely. I've been single in this town before, and it's hard. All of my friends are coupled up and have someone to go home to, and someone to go to a movie with, or out to dinner. Oh well. I've done it before and I can do it again.

Two things have happened that I just need to tell someone about:

I didn't really speak to him last evening. The only time I did was to discuss the dog going out and when I walked by the living room while he was listening to music. Last summer we went to see a singer/songwriter play who was a friend of a friend. He was ... uncomfortably earnest. I had told him at the time of an artist who I felt this guy was copying. He didn't know who it was. We also showed our friends (well, his friends) pictures of the house we had under contract. H had his arm around me the whole time we were sitting. So I heard this artist playing on the radio and I wanted to remind him of that night, so I said "This is the guy that songwriter at [venue] thought he was." And I just kept walking.

This morning I'm preparing to take a short trip for work. I made reservations to board my dog, as I knew I couldn't ask him to watch her for me. He needles at any sign of dependency. I had my trip o our shared online calendar but hadn't otherwise mentioned it. I was just out of the shower and I heard him say my name. He was hiding around the corner, making sure he didn't glimpse any nudity. It's weird to hear him say my name, since it used to always be "sweetie" or "baby". I responded to him and he asked what my plan was for my dog while I'm away.

This sounds like a normal question to anyone else, but in this situation, it was more than that. It was bait. It was a "I KNOW she's selfishly going to try to dump her dog on me without asking, so I'm going to make her admit to it. Maybe I'll tell her I won't be home tonight, just to get her worrying about someone else."

ARGH. This is the cartoon version of me that he's reacting to, again. It took every ounce of my strength to not respond with sarcasm. I said "I'm not leaving her with you. I've got it covered. Thanks." He didn't know what to say and just walked away. Yes, that's right, H. I didn't say anything because I'm not depending on you, just like you want.

I want to scream. Just because he's got a hair trigger reaction to anything that looks like depending on him in any way does not mean I am some thoughtless parasite.

I am looking forward to being seen as I am by others once I move. Being treated as if I'm an awful person because of his own issues is exhausting and is really wearing me down.

[cadence]

Well, he seems to have noticed that I'm slipping through his fingers. He sent me an email regarding mortgage payments. He's deep into MLC replay.

His words in italics.

"I am following up on our earlier conversation to state that it is my expectation that you will continue to pay 100% of the mortgage payments until the house is sold."

I'd told him in counseling when he insisted the relationship was over and the house needed to be sold that my boundary was I was not living with him if he was ending the relationship and my salary was going with me when I left.

I have a lawyer who has told me that I am able to do this.

"During our conversation, you indicated that you don't feel that you are responsible for reimbursing me half of the house acquisition costs--paying off your credit card debt, closing costs, tax refund to sellers--all of which I paid up front. That premise is based on the fact that you are responsible for 100% of the ongoing mortgage payments. That is certainly how the bank understands it, since you are the primary signatory on the mortgage and since the mortgage is based solely on your income."

Earlier this week he gave me a word document with all that he'd paid when we bought the house. He had to pay off his truck and pay off one of my credit cards to get financing, which he happily did. Now his revisionist history is that I "made" him buy the house and so I owe him that money.

I told him that he's got zero business telling me that I need to reimburse him. He made the financial decisions he made to invest in our relationship, unilaterally ended the relationship, and now wants to hold out his hand as if we had some sort of 50/50 agreement? Yeah, no. That's not how that works.

There were no verbal nor written agreements of what would happen if we broke up.

The loan is not based solely on my income. And maybe I'm the primary signatory (which implies higher credit score and income, but I'm financially irresponsible, guys) but he's the secondary. If I don't pay then he's not released from his obligation.

"You cannot use the argument that you don't have to pay me back because we purchased the house as a couple and then not continue to pay the mortgage when the relationship does not go the way you expected. Your financial responsibility remains the same regardless of the status of the relationship."

a.k.a. Please set yourself on fire to keep me warm.

"This kind of financial irresponsibility in the face of an uncomfortable situation is one of the reasons I cannot continue in our relationship. During couples counseling with XXX, I mentioned a number of earlier instances that concerned me--your unwillingness to take on a roommate to help defray your expenses when you purchased your condo; your unwillingness to live at my condo temporarily in order to save money so you could pay off your credit card debt yourself and contribute to house acquisition costs. This current behavior fits a pattern."

Financial irresponsibility is the only reasons he has voiced for leaving. I have an 800+ credit score. We are current on all bills. I did have credit card debt when we met, but I made my payments on time.

I'm just in a no win. If I did have a roommate in my one bedroom (?!) condo, he'd now be saying I shifted from one dependency to another dependency upon him.

I like how he's also trying to bait me into paying. Because my financial decisions are the reason he's leaving, you see.

"No one is asking you to leave the house. If you choose to move out before the house is sold, my expectation is that you will continue to pay the mortgage until it sells."

LOL. Yeah, he's only making it miserable for me to be there but he's not asking me to leave so why am I leaving?

He's getting his wish - I'm leaving, but he wants me to keep making his decision comfortable for him?

Excuse me while I go scream somewhere.

He approached me in the kitchen this morning and told me he'd sent an email. He said that "we" needed to talk about "our" finances. I said "We?" How convenient that he now wants team problem solving.

I also made a few bristly comments. "Too bad we're not married, huh? You've got no access to my money." and "Well, now you know how I've felt for the past few months in dealing with your irrational decisions."

(Quick answers: Yes, I have a lawyer. Yes, I know that walking away may mean foreclosure. I accepted that as soon as I realized I was on a mortgage with someone irrational. He put money down on the house. I didn't. I've got nothing to lose other than a ding on my credit score.)

What do I do if my goal is to preserve our relationship? Respond? Not respond?

I realize that sounds crazy given that I am moving out, but he's so stubbornly negative that the only way to remove his focus on me is to get distance from him. Plus, he has kids and I don't.

I am a good person so it pains me to walk away and leave him in a bind, but I'm really suffering living with someone who hates me out of nowhere. And I need to remember that he made all of his decisions not caring about what happens to me.

[cadence]

Hi all,

I ended up writing back to him that I know it wasn't his intent, but what he was asking me to do was essentially to set myself on fire to keep him warm.

Last evening he asked me if I'd signed a lease and I said "yes" and that was it. Then he got ready to go out for the evening and went out. He seemed to be doing a great deal of grooming so I felt nervous he might be going on a date and it made me feel sick. This is a reason I need to get out of there. I fall apart at the thought he's replacing me. I know that's about my issues so it's something that I'm working on, but that's going to take me time and I don't have the benefit of time.

I think things are about to get really bad. Maybe not. I don't know. He seems to have made all of his plans where he just hits the "eject" button on the life he built with me and experiences no hardship because I'm still right there paying the bills.

It bothers me that he thinks that I'm that pathetic. That he mistook my love and wanting to work through things as desperation.

My sense is that things are about to get pretty bad now that he knows I'm not paying to support him and his kids once I move. I found a place I can go for a month and then my lease starts. I am seriously considering moving out this week. Part of me thinks maybe I should stay to see what happens, but I also know that he's incredibly stubborn and is laser focused on me as the source of all of his problems. So getting out of the line of fire of his contempt is probably the best thing I could do.

Any experts want to tell me if this is the right thing to do?

I'm going to do my darnedest to maintain friendliness as I begin the moving process, but I know he's going to be upset with me and I don't quite know how to handle that. I'm not used to disappointing him, but maybe that's exactly what I need to do to throw him off balance.

In my GAL news, I'm going to a concert tonight on my own. It's an artist he introduced me to, and I just saw that she was playing in town. Instead of telling him, I bought a ticket for myself and left it out on my dresser. He may have seen it or he may not have seen it. I don't know.

I'm going to get ready and go out and have fun on my own. I had a friend who was going to go but she just wants to stay in tonight. This is my life as a single person - all of my friends are coupled up and seem to have forgotten what it's like to not have a default person to attend events with.

I'm not an extrovert so going somewhere by myself where I don't know a soul is a huge challenge for me. Plus most people who are there are probably going to be much younger than me. Oh well. I'll go and have a drink or two and have as much fun as I can. Maybe I'll find someone to chat with. The songs tend to be on the sad side so I'm going to try not to burst into tears because then I'll be the lady all by myself who is also crying, and that won't be good

My challenge for tonight is making eye contact and smiling at other people. I can be pretty shy (H is a big extrovert and I'm much more reserved) so this will be a stretch for me.

Most of all, I like this artist and I want to see her so I'm going to go!

What do I do if H shows up? I don't think he will but there's a small chance he will.

[cadence]

Welp, no one is really responding to me so I'm just carrying on as I think I should.

Things aren't great. I've tried to remain positive but he's not really talking to me (and I'm not doing anything that looks like pursuit) so I can't keep things in a good place.

My furniture is getting moved out tomorrow. I'll be going this weekend.

He's been quieter lately. I wonder if reality is hitting him.

The financial situation certainly has. He's said "no one is telling you to leave" but the passive aggressive ways he's been acting in the past month or two are telling me exactly that. And he's saying that connected with a "but you pay the bills" sort of thing. He doesn't want me. He wants me to make his exit as comfortable as possible for him. He can't move out for a few months so he'd prefer that I stay and we keep up our financial arrangement, one that existed because we were in a committed relationship.

I let him know that we bought the house together as a committed couple. He's ending that unilaterally, so I can end the financial agreement we had. I told him I'd been really unhappy living there while we weren't together, and I need to leave for my own sake. And I can't afford to pay for two places at once.

I realize my situation is different because we weren't married, but we do own property together and we were planning on getting married. But then a switch flipped and he ended everything and wanted to sell the house.

His big mid century birthday is this weekend. I will say "happy birthday" but that's all I'm doing. I am also probably leaving for my new place that day.

Any advice?

[cadence]

And, by the way, I'm pretty sure that him feeling confident enough to leave the relationship was predicated on an assumption that I'd stay, begging to work things through, while paying the bills.

I proved him wrong. It doesn't seem to be changing anything, though.

I'm trying my best to keep spite from entering the picture. I'm polite as I can be without pursuing.

[cadence]

Hi everyone,

Well, I've moved out. H acted strangely in the days that I was moving - following me around and asking odd questions ("oh, are you moving your things?" "Um, that's a strange question. ...yes?") and hyper-focusing on things of his he felt I was taking.

Living with him and his kids in these conditions was impacting my health. He ended the connection between us and seemed to resent everything about me. He focused on me as the source of his misery, and I didn't have strong enough bonds with his kids that I could avoid being made into the outsider. There was no way for me to stay without his crisis bringing me down.

I spoke with the kids and they were very kind to me. They both gave me hugs. It was important to me that they know that I tried to make things better, but there was a point where my boundaries entered into the equation and it was time to take myself out of the line of fire.

At one point when I was moving, I got to hear about how "this wasn't my idea." Apparently his idea of us ending our relationship and selling the house that we just bought included me living alongside of him as his roommate and continuing to happily pay bills until it sold. And somewhere along the line the three of them would move out.

Given that there are three of them and one of me, staying was detrimental to my mental health. Watching the family that was supposed to be mine from the outside looking in wasn't something that was making me feel very nice.

In the face of his curmudgeonly attitude, he was met with nonchalance and happiness.

My mother helped me organize, while I did most of the carrying of boxes. I hired movers for the heavy furniture and large items, and I moved everything else. H did not offer to help at all.

My mother did speak to him at one point. Through my urging, she approached him with compassion, confusion, and concern. I made myself scarce and she got a conversation going with him. The reasons he gave were: we are at different stages of life and that we have some things in common but not things that are important to him. This is after 5 years together.

Of course, he's not going to say anything derogatory about me to my mother, but it's the same pattern that his reasons vary depending on the day, or even the hour.

My mother told him that we (my family) would miss him, and tears started welling up in his eyes. But then he squashed the emotion. She said that's why he can't be open to me without his lens - the tears might well up. He's got to believe I'm awful enough that his actions are appropriate.

My mom noticed how angry he is with me, and how he was trying to pick fights with me. She said "He's trying to justify his decision" and urged me to stay away from him. I told her that I didn't need to do that; I wasn't going to seek him out but when he spoke with me I'd meet him with kindness and validation.

His milestone birthday passed. I didn't say anything to him. That hurt, but I knew he didn't want that moment from me. I also didn't get to say goodbye to him. I don't think he wanted that.

The house looks bare and clinical. One thing he loved when I moved in with him was that I was able to help make a home for his kids; now it's back to looking sparse.

I'm in my little apartment for a month until my slightly larger apartment opens up. I will be treating my tiny shoe box as my convalescent home. I'll be spending time in bed, crying, watching Netflix, and just indulging myself. In a month, I hope to be feeling a little bit better.

I know this isn't about me, but it still hurts. I miss my man from before the aliens abducted him. It felt so nice and so safe. We had a silly language we were using. We had stupid songs. I'd lay my head on his chest and watch movies. I miss that sense of safety.

He and I will have to speak about the house, so I know I'll talk to him again. I imagine he'll be rushing back out on the dating market, trying to find someone to boost his ego. I will not be doing that, because I'm not ready for that. I'm turning my focus onto me, meeting my own needs, meeting the challenges of my life, and growing as a person.

[leahsue]

WOW CADENCE, I don't think your posts have been showing up because I have looked for you since our last conversation and have been wondering how things were going. I'm SO glad to see you on here. (Maybe I've just missed it. My mind hasn't been exactly right lately. LOL)
So many thoughts running through my head. Did you go to the concert solo? How was it? Did you find anyone to talk to? Did stupid show up? Tell me about the shoebox apartment. Did your plants make it over? I already love your mom. I can picture her, trying to help you move, and help you in relationship games with stupid. (You don't mind if I call him that for now, do you?) Or I could go with April Fool #1. LOL.
I think (from what I read into your posts) that you have held your head high, handled this with grace and dignity, and been very wise in the practical aspects of this situation-ie protecting your own interests, looking out for yourself, b/c ultimately that's what we all should be doing, in or out of a relationship. A lesson I've learned the hard way.
I feel you girl, about the stupid songs, laying your head on his chest, watching movies, etc. See my earlier ramblings about the Tim/Faith concert and songs. You snuggle in to that shoebox, watch some good Netflix (Reign is really good, and there are many lovely, dignified ladies on the show- and NOT ONE OF THEM IS HOLDING ONTO THE BUMPER OF A CARRIAGE AS IT DRIVES AWAY.) I hope that made you laugh.
Hang in there, girl. We got this.

[cadence]

Hi leahsue,

So glad to hear from you! I am sitting in my shoebox apartment after a long day of work and class, and I lit some candles while I enjoy my reheated pizza. (Reheated in a toaster oven, since I don't have a real oven.)

My doggie is here and she is in good spirits, which makes me feel better. She is getting up there in age and it broke my heart to leave the neighborhood that had such good sidewalks for walking. But, you know what? There may not be sidewalks here, but it feels better. I don't have to worry about anyone's mood, worry about anyone's mess but my own, guess who is or isn't home, or deal with him staying out until late to avoid being home with me.

I miss my house with the big windows and all the sunlight, but in recent weeks it hadn't felt like mine any longer, anyway.

My plants made it over to the shoebox. There is a long window with a big shelf that holds my succulents. I have one tall tree-like plant (it's straight out of a Dr. Suess book), currently holding court over the recliner. I have one plant on top of the fridge. And I brought four that had been in hanging baskets, but they are just sitting out on tables now. I did have to get rid of my big palm, because it was slowly dying. Had I stayed I could have nursed it back to health, but it wasn't worth it to try to transport it.

Yes, my mom is great. Of course, she is spitting mad about what he's done, but she also knows that life is not without it's complications or confusions. H's mother is a narcissist, and my mother's mother is one, too. So she knows how much pain he is in from not having a mother that not only didn't love him (as she's not capable) but also hurt him. She wanted to be there for my transition to my new place, which was immensely helpful. It allowed me to just fall apart and not have to worry about anything.

I did go to the concert. I shed only one tear. There is one song that always gets me, and I thought "at least she's not playing ____" during her set. And then she played it as her next song. I bought a t-shirt and I left my wristband sitting out in the bathroom. I think he saw that I went, because he'd included her CD in a pile of my things after he cleaned off a shelf. He'd bought it, though, so I left it.

I didn't find anyone to talk to at the concert, though I practiced making eye contact and maintaining open posture. Someone asked me where the bathroom was, but that's about it. Some guys made eye contact but I looked away because I can't deal with that right now.

My shoe box feels like the perfect space to nurse my wounds. It's a little studio apartment in a woman's house. It's on a residential street and you'd never know it was here. It's got an entrance in the back of the house and I like how it feels safe and private. There's one closet, a small fridge, a little kitchen with no stove, oven, or dishwasher, a small little bathroom, and a double bed. There's a small desk, a table, and one recliner. I brought over a coffee table and two plant stands, and I'm at capacity for furniture. Oh, and there are chickens next door that wander into the yard sometimes, and that could not be more adorable.

Thank you for that vision of me. I hope I gave off the right mix of strength and kindness, but never pursuit. He did not see me cry even once in the process of moving. I did snipe at him that he could have helped sort out things if he was so upset about me taking things that were his (a cookie sheet and a commemorative glass from a beer festival - I have one of them too, so I thought it was mine.) My mother had given us four mugs with our initials on them as a symbol of the family we were becoming; I just took my mug and left the three of theirs.

I like to think of him in that big empty house all alone, noticing the space where I used to be. But I know that's dangerous, and I should just assume that he is happy and talking to other women. He never even asked me where I was moving, and I'm fine with that. He tried to ask my mother in a roundabout way but she didn't tell him.

I wonder what he'll do now about selling the house. For all his talk, he doesn't seem to take steps to do it. He'll need my agreement on whatever steps he does take.

[leahsue]

Hey girl,
I just read your long, newsy post, and I love the visuals I get of your little place! I sometimes wish we could put photos on this website, although I totally understand the danger in that- but I wish you could see my first bloom this morning on my recently planted oriental lily! It is gorgeous and to me represents new beginnings! Oh and the CHICKENS coming over into the yard. That made me truly smile, BIG.
I'm hanging in there. Went to exercise class today, and came home and jumped straight in the pool with all clothes on. I hadn't done that in at least 20 years. (Still a bit chilly to be so rash, but hey, live a little, right?)
I think you're wise to steer your thoughts away from him being in that house without you- mainly to guard your heart and not be moving forward setting yourself up with false hope or expectations. That's the safest way.
And when you mention your dog- that melted my heart. I too, have a faithful companion- a 13 year old bichon, who some days was the only reason I got out of bed. When I cry, she just comes and lays her little paw right on my face. How people get through hard times without a dog, I don't know. Pure, unconditional love. I can't even think about life without her.
You keep on keeping on, eat your warmed over pizza, watch some good TV, and take care of YOU. And keep checking in. I really care about how things are going for you.