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Thank you bttfly.

Rick, I believe this is complex PTSD.

There are days when it is like treacle, moving in and out of my life. Healing is very slow indeed.

Much of the time I am inefficient rather than ineffective.

I believe it is important to be clear and show the effects of this abuse on recovery.

It isn't peaches roses and sunshine. Even those far on the journey struggle. Well done on the self employment, its a great step to risk being entrepreneurial truly. It can free you too as you are likely in charge of your own destiny. It is difficult to recover from the realisation you were never loved, the cognitive dissonance makes doubt. Am I unloveable?

Is it my weight, my this or that?

It is truly difficult when the spell break occurs to go back. Once you know then you can never unknow.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Today I studied Karma and the law of attraction.

I am thinking deeply about suffering and whether suffering is from Karma. Is karma going to strike the wayward and abuser?

Why don't the waywards suffer yet the LBS certainly does. Is this unfair? Is this some great cosmic joke.

Why do I have complex PTSD when the Giggalo lives in apparent peace in Italy with a Bratislava Italian Tramp trying to take my life's work away.

Why do I work extremely hard and long hours?

Why do many here struggle to fight for their lives and to be great mothers and fathers with responsibility and love. The wayward appears happy and deep in mud.

I question this. I question my higher power and why it seems to have abandoned me. I am in pain and suffering, it feels selfish.

It is the ego the false self which brings on Karma. After all karma is action arising from selfishness. Am I failing to heal because of selfishNess?

Rationalising and dissonance make this really hard. Religion may not hold the key in this.

It is easy to understand why those with no empathy and a wayward mask can be cold empaths. Studied as predators and emotional disabled. To know that Karma may not appear to bite as the universal psychological law set out by Buddha treats those in subtle ways.The conclusion I came to is that the waywardness and the abusive stance are already Karma biting. Imagine living in lies with a false self, living with a mask. Imagine hiding multiple compulsions including the vast empty need for self. Imagine being that selfish. Imagine having to live as a lie.

That is already Karma kicking in.

The damage done to the LBS is healthy and normal, it is part of a recovery cycle providing the grief is expressed. This process is there as part of an awakening. Part of the path to love and higher spirit. I comfort myself that this loose community of empaths and healers leads to the light. To live a life free of Karma.

Maybe my higher power hasn't left altogether?

These are complex questions and I am sad.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Good morning (afternoon for you) Lady V,

i read your comments from the last few days and it brought a well of emotions...I wanted to say how much I feel your pain.

you talk of incompetence. I can only counter with what I know and that is that you are one of the most organized and sharp people I have ever known....far from incompetent.

yes you allowed yourself to be taken advantage of by a sociopath and you are still reeling from that. you have learned so much from that and will continue. you have helped so many others learn from your pain. you have shown strength beyond measure.

I agree with 25yrmlc in that some good old fashioned self care will go a long way here. I totally understand the loss of connection with higher power....why...why..why. it never stops. I always get back to the $hit happens reply and move on...what else can you do always remember how special you are. I had someone tell me the other day, 'I am not going to let you talk about yourself like that' in regards to a joke i made.he made me smile. I thanked him...made my day.

I am sorry I have not been around. I miss our little talks...I just can't spend the time here I would like to right now.

(((V)))


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Thank you Zephyr for your lovely kind and supportive thoughts.

I think I forget how far a journey I have come, how much I have had the privilege to learn and grow. Three years ago I knew nothing of these things. Some abilities are inate partly from my background, I would happily have lived my life without the need to know. Once one knows one can never unknow.

I keep waiting for my higher power to help me decide what I have to do with this knowledge. How to use it, where to go with it, I get glimpses of the easy days of my yesterdays when the world was full of open doors. When there was no dark tunnel in front of me.

These things are not of depression or anxiety and they are of sadness and loss. My life dismantled like a lego building in pieces waiting to be reassembled into something new. Sitting in the ruins of dreams and no certain future. Just sitting waiting for the connection.

I do not miss the Giggalo, I miss the idea of my future with a loving partner in my life. I miss the physical connection, I miss the hanging on to my dreams. Always I miss the hanging on, it is as it was.

I have fear and yet I don't. It isn't the future I fear, I fear the lack of a future. I am spiritually empty and lonely for my higher power.

So much loss and grief with more to follow.

It is a limbo period, the time of limbo when replenishment takes place, a necessary waiting room where innocence hangs still. I am minded of the film the lovely bones where there is a glorious place of limbo. In my mind I see this board as limbo and we gather around the tree of knowledge, learning and waiting to move to the next plane of life.

In this is patience. I am learning patience, no doubt my higher power is testing this.

I keep reading and preparing for the next phase.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Zephyr I miss the talks too. No doubt the time will come again and there will be much that is new.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Working 20 hour days again, feeling really guilty because I am missing deadlines. Clients are not pleased with me.

Not on top form. Very very tired and miserable.

No sleep in last 3 days.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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V I'm soo sorry I know exactly how it feels my friend. Take a day off if u can to regroup. Take some melatonin to help u sleep. It helped me. The less sleep u get the less u will function. If you can challenge any negative thoughts do it. If you want me to teach u how I'm here. Once u realize that it's about our thinking things will ease a bit. Not be perfect and peachy but able to function.
Hang in there kiddo...


M 53
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Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Originally Posted By: Vanilla



I do not miss the Giggalo, I miss the idea of my future with a loving partner in my life. I miss the physical connection, I miss the hanging on to my dreams. Always I miss the hanging on, it is as it was.


The death of the dream is the hardest part. The dream with that partner. I feel it too, V, but I'm holding on to the hope that the dream will exist with someone worthy. Not that I'm all that and a box of dark chocolates, but someone who will treat me the way I will treat him.

Quote:

It is a limbo period, the time of limbo when replenishment takes place, a necessary waiting room where innocence hangs still. I am minded of the film the lovely bones where there is a glorious place of limbo. In my mind I see this board as limbo and we gather around the tree of knowledge, learning and waiting to move to the next plane of life.


This is a beautiful image! {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Rick, I am always willing to learn.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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YouTube REBT. It's a straight up therapeutic intervention by Albert Ellis. Very helpful whith depression and anxieties. Give it a try.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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