One week to be divorced... and counting

[Ripe]

Hello. I am back from the land of the undead and I am in dire need for help and guidance.

STBXW (Miss Oportunity) and I are separated since September 2015.
According to our agreement (not yet approved by the court, but we are already abiding by it), each parent has the kids with them from Monday after school until the following Monday morning, when the parent who has the kids takes them to school. The other one picks them up at the end of the day and so on.
This has worked so far and each parent has proven to be flexible and reasonable.
For instance, one week ago it was my weekend with the kids but someone was visiting STBXW and she asked me if the kids could stay at her place from Friday to Saturday. I said yes.
And this weekend, in exchange, although it was her weekend with the kids they came to my place from Friday to Saturday.
I have to say I am not in favour of this kind of swapping or trading. I think it is better for the kids' stability to stick to the planned schedule.
I was going to tell Miss Oportunity I didn't mind for them to go to her place in order to meet her friends and that I didn't need a compensation day, but I didn't. And, in fact, I had a compensation day.
But now my week with the kids starts tomorrow and Miss Oportunity asked me to keep the kids tomorrow because Tuesday she will be flying away and is only coming back the following Tuesday, so she is missing one of her Mondays, when the kids will have to be with me.
I want to say no, I want to say this swappings cannot become a regular thing. If chances dictates that one has one or two less days with the kids than the regular schedule, so be it.
What do you separated parents with kids think?
Should I concede?
Should I allow to trade the Monday?
Am I not wanting to do this for the wrong reasons, because I know the reason she is flying? And being that reason the signing of our divorce papers, so that the divorce becomes final?

[25yearsmlc]

I'm a little confused.

You and your stbx have a child custody schedule that you approved and agreed to.

Now and then, your stbxw wants to trade a day and so far, she has had reasons you deemed worthy. And IF you want a compensation day, she's more than willing to give you one. In fact, from where I sit, she's probably making an extra effort to compensate you to avoid looking unfair.

So, what's the specific problem? The kids changing a day now and then? Is your schedule disrupted too much?

I don't know the ages of the kids. But I'm not clear on what you fear and yes, I think there is fear in your post.

As for the Div being finalized, it'll cement the agreement you signed (and wanted??)

it is not the reality of what is occasionally happening.

IF the D is finalized and becomes the legally enforceable agreement, and IF you think she violates it, the D only protects you.

It's a costly thing to try and enforce (and maybe most judges won't think it's worth it,) but they will enforce the letter of the agreement.

I don't understand the fears you have and the relevance of the Div papers being signed. It isn't relevant to the swaps if it's not part of the D agreement.

I think what I'm trying to say is,

choose your battles wisely.

And dig deep to find your real motivation. Just so I know,

What exactly are you fighting for or against, btw? Any swapping??

To me you sounded as if flexibility was a good thing in your mind.


What bothers you when you see her these days? What's it triggering?

[25yearsmlc]

you can always or occasionally say that you do NOT wish to have your compensation day, "in order to keep the kids's schedule more routine"...

That^^ would model something for your stbxw, and set your own boundary I suppose.

But you must decide if more time with your kids is of more value to you,

than setting a boundary, especially a boundary that might seem arbitrary,

or related more to anger, ego or fear or whatever...

Do you disapprove of her flying wherever she's headed? If so, that is what you're really dealing with.

If not, then I'd just go back to the "choose your battles carefully".


In my opinion...

[Ripe]

Just for the record, my previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2702992&page=11

[Ripe]

25yearsmlc,
Thank you for your reply.
Just by reading it my head becomes more clear.
Yeah, I guess there is nothing absolutely dead wrong in swapping an occasional day.
My kids are 10 and 8 (I see I need to update my signature).
And I was trying to put myself in my kids's shoes: I would like to know in which bed I will be sleeping for the next few days and not have to change my routines.

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmlc,
Thank you for your reply.
Just by reading it my head becomes more clear.
Yeah, I guess there is nothing absolutely dead wrong in swapping an occasional day.
My kids are 10 and 8 (I see I need to update my signature).
And I was trying to put myself in my kids's shoes: I would like to know in which bed I will be sleeping for the next few days and not have to change my routines.

then insist that there be no flexibility in their schedules absent a medical emergency and put that in writing as part of your Div agreement...


is that^^^ really what you want? I mean, divorce with kids their age will never be painless or super convenient. It is what it is.

But a rigid adherence to a schedule and never changing it even by one day, a day that gets "repaid" just does not come off as reasonable to me. Sorry, but there's something off about it.

No offense, okay? But do you have control issues? (What would your stbxw say if she were here?)

At this point I'm not sure the previous thread is needed for this question - if your divorce is only days away and if your question really boils down to this^^ one issue.

Am I missing something?

[25yearsmlc]

where is she flying?

[Ripe]

We live in a small island and where everybody knows everybody.
So we decided to divorce in the mainland, to preserve our lives.
I will be represented by an attorney, but STBXW made a point of being there, because she was also present at the wedding, she says.
This is why she is flying and why she will be away for one week.
After talking to you I agree that there is no problem in giving her tomorrow's Monday.
In my mind it was confusing and I had all my feelings mixed.
With your help I am now more at peace with the decision to be made.
Thank you, 25yearsmlc.
I think I just needed someone to talk to.

[OwnIt]

This is likely to be an issue that carries forward for you into the future. I am sure you will get lots of different opinions on this. Perhaps I'm in a different situation because my H doesn't want to see the kids much or want custody at all. We have no agreement on particular times and probably never will.

That said, rather than my own hurt and my own pain, I try to think about the kids. Is what she is proposing hurting the kids? Have they voiced concerns about deviations from the plan? I think it is one thing to put the kids in the middle by making them decide and another to try to be flexible and just see how they adapt. At some point you may have greater needs for your own flexibility.

Wouldn't the kids benefit the most by seeing two parents who put their own stuff aside and work as partners in raising them? Kudos to both of you for wanting to be there and to have your time with the kids!

[betterman77]

Ripe,
My XW and I have been doing this from time to time for the last 6 1/2 years and I personally don't think it's that big a deal. Sometimes things come up on days when I don't have my kids that I want them to be a part of and vice versa. We always offer compensation days to each other, like it seems Miss Opportunity is doing, and it's up to us if we want to take advantage of them or not. Just my .02 cents.