Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[Coly23]

Hi 25, thanks for the visit.

I think I get it now. All this contact was just hurting me and preventing me from healing. It was also affecting D as she could see me in so much pain and I need to show her that although it's not wrong to hurt it doesn't define me. I am a strong person and i want her to see that she can depend on me emotionally.

Thank you for the question also, I am going to have to think about it and get back to you. Right now D is badgering me to take her to breakfast even though it's Mother's Day here in the UK and she should be making ME breakfast!

Happy Mothers Day everyone who is celebrating today!

[job]

Happy Mother's Day to you too! Enjoy your special day w/your daughter.

[Westo]

Happy Mother's Day Coly!

I have discovered something this morning while watching April the giraffe and waiting for her to give birth. I've been watching the live feed for a month!

Book folding, I'm going to give it a try

[mleigh4]

Hi Coly,

Something brought me to read your thread this morning, I don't think I have posted to you before. First off, Happy Mothers Day! I hope you have a wonderful day with your D.

I can relate so much to your feelings on spending family time, I found myself nodding to myself through each of your posts. It's so hard, we want so much to be back to being a family and to spending that time with our H, then when they leave, those feelings bubble up. The confusion of wondering why they want to spend that time, they seem to enjoy it, then they leave? Then comes the resentment, then the frustration with ourselves of letting it continue....I totally get it.

In my case, I have allowed the family time for over 3 years, for my son. He was 7 when this all started and had a hard time adjusting. Over the years, spending time with the 3 of us has helped him, and I would do anything for my S, in spite of how it left me feeling. I got stronger and was able to deal with it, to detach better. My S just turned 10 and I now feel he is ready and much more stable. I am pulling away from the family time and leaving them to do their boy stuff together, so like you, it's a bit new to me. Like you said about your sitch, I don't feel like it's good for me. I too feel like it has held me back from completely healing from this and from opening myself up to what life has to offer. It took me a long time to get here, so please don't beat yourself up. There is no fault in loving your H, in wanting him and your family back, it shows you are only human.

I often question why they want these visits too. In my case, I think my H truly believes we can be buddies after all our history and in spite of all the pain and damage he has caused. I really see him living in a fantasy world.

But trust me and the others, you have gotten some wonderful advise here. As you start to focus on you, and put yourself first, you will feel that strength and confidence in you. Your D sounds like a smart girl, I admire her honesty with you.

Stay strong and vent here when you need to. Again, I hope you have a wonderful day

[Coly23]

Thanks Job!

Westo, happy Mother's Day to you too, Did you do anything nice apart from baby giraffe watching! I didn't see it, so did April give birth today? I've never heard of book folding. I'm curious so I might check it out!

mleigh4, thanks so much for visiting. I admire that you were able to have family time and hold it together for this long! I thought the same thing as you, that I would put my feelings away just so we can continue to be a normal family but I just wasn't cut out for it. As you say the resentment and frustration was grieving and turning me in to a basket case!

I can see how attractive if must be for them. Getting to spend time with us but without the responsibility of being a husband or full time parent and then getting to go back to their batchelor pad and ticking that job done! I remember right at the beginning seeing an email from H to one of his friends saying he would like to build a friendship with me! Nope, no friendship! I explained last November when we started it up again that family time would be a way for us to rebuild our relationship but he didn't keep his side of the bargain.

I just need him to know what his life will be like without us and I need to heal so I can be strong enough for what is to come. How do you think your H will feel if you pulled right back on it?

I am going to have a little read of your sitch m4leigh. Have a lovely Sunday!

[Coly23]

Hello everyone, I hope you are all having a good week.

So it's been a ridiculously short amount of time since the blow up with H which resulted in me going NC, just under two weeks and already I am feeling jittery!

I've been GAL'ng as much as possible but still all these thoughts run through my mind about whether I am doing the right thing or not. The whole DB ethos of actions being counterintuitive is no joke! Every bone in my body is screaming, it's not right!!

So instead of contacting H, I am going to list all the irrational 'what if' thoughts about NC going through my head today so I can get them OUT of my head!

What if he is happy that I am no longer contacting him;
What if he is happy that he doesn't have to do family time again;
What if he never contacts me again because he thinks I should be the one to contact him;
What if he decides to move away to another city because he doesn't think there is any point in hanging around here (before we got together he was thinking of moving away but he decided to stay because of me);
What if he decides to extend the lease on his flat for another year because he enjoys being on his own;
What if he decides to start seeing someone else...

I know these thoughts are irrational and if they are going to happen they will whether I go NC or not but I can't stop them from worrying me. I know I can do this NC thing because I did it for seven weeks last year but I don't know how I did it. I wish I had just continued with it and whether or not he eventually contacted me I might be in a much better place now.

I know this is the right thing to do because although I have all these thoughts I am not spinning as much so it is working for me but I miss him so much. I miss my Monday text when he would tell me what days he was available to come over. I miss Friday night movie night but I don't miss the feelings of resentment, hurt and anger before he comes over and when he leaves.

Why is it all soooo difficult!!!

25Years - I just wanted to come back to your question about what I would be doing if H passed away. That is such a difficult question to answer and I have struggled, I don't think I would have changed much really. I certainly wouldn't have changed jobs because I love my job so much. Maybe I would have moved house but I do love my house as well. I'm really not the sort of person to change something just for the sake of change so it really wouldn't be very much I'm afraid! What would you have changed?

Talking about jobs. I mentioned on another posters thread that I have been given a lovely bonus by my Manager for all my hard work last year. Considering I spent most of it falling apart I was very surprised! I think myself and D will use some of it to go away after her exams. At least that's some good news!!

[roist]

Being in contact with him had not had the results you want, why not give the NC a real attempt. I understand your fears but this is as Sandi and Michelle reiterate about " doing what works and stopping what isn't".I would just add that for something to "work" we must do it consistently for enough time. If I could predict how long I would make money at it!! But no one can but it is often longer than we think.

Nice break with the work bonus. You managed that when you were" broken" ( sorry can't think of better word, but meant nicely). Imagine what you can do when you are out of crisis.

Reading your last post, I think you should contemplate doing something new, something out of character. It will do you the world of good and will give H food for thought. Don't fear change. Don't be so comfortable with the as is that you never change. So I challenge you to come up with something new soon. Repaint/redecorate house, new hobby or club, anything but has to be fairly big for you. It'll change your perspective and maybe that of others.

Best wishes

[Coly23]

Hi Roist, thank you so much for your post.

I agree that I need to do something long enough to see results but now I worry if I didn't give the family time visits enough time. We had been doing this since November last year, so I'm not sure if four months was long enough to see any changes. BUT, I know it was driving me nuts so where does that leave me? Should I have continued to spin for a bit longer in the hopes that I would get better at handle on it? Maybe it was working slowly but I didn't see it. IDK, I still feel like I've blown it.

One of the changes I do want to make is I'm going to start decorating the house and I'm going to remove the dregs of H's stuff and put them away so I am not reminded of him all the time. I'm looking forward to doing this!

Please everyone, tell me I am doing the right thing goung NC! Should I have continued family time for longer to be able to see results? I'm so confused and annoyed with myself!

[Ginger1]

What if he is happy that I am no longer contacting him;
What if he is happy that he doesn't have to do family time again;
What if he never contacts me again because he thinks I should be the one to contact him;
What if he decides to move away to another city because he doesn't think there is any point in hanging around here (before we got together he was thinking of moving away but he decided to stay because of me);
What if he decides to extend the lease on his flat for another year because he enjoys being on his own;
What if he decides to start seeing someone else...

Check out what I bolded. It all has to do with him, and not with you.

HE will make his own decisions. You can't live your life an dmake your decision on what HE might do or feel.

Time to focus on what's good for Coly and let fo of some of the codependence.

And just reading along, this family time you speak of, well, it seems to be more about you than your daughter. From what I gather, it is more difficult for her to watch how it affects you. I don't think it's actually doing any good for her. She's 16, she can decide when she wants to spend time with him, and she can do it alone.

Redirect the focus back to you and your D (and I mean truly about what's good for you and your D) and away from him.

[Sotto]

Hi Coly, I agree with Ginger. It isn't productive spending time wondering - will he do X if I've done Y?

Focus on being and becoming the woman you want to be independent of him.

"I just need him to know what his life will be like without us and I need to heal so I can be strong enough for what is to come."

Looking at you quote above - best to let go of the first part (I just want to control what he does!) and focus on the last part - taking control of your own life. Putting you at the heart of it!
Xx