First time here

[Dawgs]

Haha. No. We are a collection of misfits.

[BluWave]

Hi Leahsue,

I read through your thread and am thinking about what I can add. I like the advice from 25. When I started reading here several years ago, I found her posts and advice to be invaluable!

I have noticed a clear distancer-pursuer dynamic in your sitch. Perhaps read up on that more. I think our goal as a LBS is to slide out of the pursuer spot and into being pursued. It seems that as you step back and give him space, he comes to you. It is working. I think we know reconciliation is near completion when we lose the dynamic entirely and just become comfortable.

If you can manage to memorize Sandi's rules and follow them, that is key. I struggled with them a lot. That is one of the reasons i started posting, because I can see how much I failed and shot myself in the foot when I didn't follow them!. When I was able to DB and follow the rules, I got results. I think if I could have executed Sandi's rules at the time of BD, I dont actually think my H would have left. I was a roaring lion and he kept hiding deeper and deeper in his mouse hole!

I tend to think that in all our our sitches, less is more. Less interactions, less talking, and more space and just listening. This gives H a chance to think and self reflect. The WAS is looking for reasons to justify their behavior (leaving) and so if we don't give them any more,, they are forced to look at themselves and own their choices. So when you meet with him, think of it as a time to listen, not talk or explain yourself.

If he is asking you questions, it's okay to tell him you need time to think. This serves two purposes--you can take time to think without reacting, AND he realizes you are not just sitting and waiting for him. There are some great threads on validation, so maybe read those over a few times. They are good communication tools for us all.

Try and keep in mind how long this all can take and what a bumpy road this is. We often want to measure results in a few interactions, days, or weeks, however that is seldom the case. It can take years for an M and communication to break down, and it can take more months or even years to get results. Patience is everything and it is wonderful to learn and take into all areas of our lives.

Also, I couldn't help but notice in your write-up that you described your M as a fairytale. Did you have H on a pedestal? Were there things you overlooked in your M that you can see now were not perfect? Could any of this led to the problems? I think when we have too high expectations of our S, they feel they can't live up to our standards and end up self sabotaging (i.e. having As or running). That was def the case in my M!

This meeting is a great opportunity to not only listen to H, but to show him (with actions over words) your changes. If he sees your 180s, and sees a woman that is listening, but is strong and self-assured, he will be reminded of what he is walking away from. Show him what he stands to lose and hold your head up high.

As much as it hurts to learn of infidelity, I don't imagine it will be fruitful to discuss that now. He is already feeling guilty, but it doesn't mean he is ready to show you remorse. Sometimes people feel so much guilt, that they seek out any reasons they can to justify it because it's too painful to own. As much as the lack of remorse hurts now, I believe it will come in time if he wants the M to work. First he needs to feel safe coming to you, however he simultaneously needs to see what he stands to lose.

Not an easy position to be in, but you seem like a strong lady! Hope that helps a little bit.

Blu

[leahsue]

Wow, Blu, that is a HUGE help. I'm going to read follow up on your reading suggestions, but I'm also going to print out your post and read it over and over until it becomes 2nd nature. I am a visual learner anyway, so the more I see it in the print, the more it becomes a part of me. Thank you so much for taking the time to read back through my info, and to respond with such an insightful answer. ((((Blu)))))

[Tryin2figuritout]

Leahsue - Best of luck as you continue to sort out your path through this. After reading up on your posts, it looks like you're growing day by day and week by week. Keep it up.

This meeting is a great opportunity to not only listen to H, but to show him (with actions over words) your changes. If he sees your 180s, and sees a woman that is listening, but is strong and self-assured, he will be reminded of what he is walking away from. Show him what he stands to lose and hold your head up high.

BluWave - I think I need to tattoo this on my forehead and look in the mirror every hour. This really sums it all up beautifully on how to do this well.

[leahsue]

Wow, what a day. Finally over the flu, so there's that.
OK, since H started contacting me, it has been consistent- like at least a text every day, usually that and phone calls, etc. Always initiated by him. Nothing yesterday, and so far, nothing today. That's fine with me~ we certainly don't have "rules" or "agreements" about contact, and honestly sometimes it's nice to not have to talk if I don't feel like it. But I think it's weird. And makes me realize that I am not NEARLY as detached as I had hoped, as evidenced by the fact that I am on here posting about it. We will see. He knows I am headed out of town for a wedding this weekend, but it's still early today (5 pm) SO..... I'm thinking even if he does call tonight, I won't be available. I'll be busy GETTING A LIFE, down at happy hour on the downtown riverfront. Like a BOSS!
BTW, I took all the advice here and started exercise, but DEAR LORD, I think I may have jumped in over my head. Anyone been a part of the Orange Theory franchise? I may never walk normally again. The music is good though.

[KevinIn]

BTW, I took all the advice here and started exercise, but DEAR LORD, I think I may have jumped in over my head. Anyone been a part of the Orange Theory franchise? I may never walk normally again. The music is good though.

Orange theory, OTF, is awesome. I love it. It gave my wife an amazing body, which OM gets to enjoy. I have also started doing it myself with all my spare time, and I love the workout. And it's a great place to meet new people. It will be very difficult for your first five to six times, but after that you'll be really into it and not as sore. Keep with it.

[OwnIt]

leahsue, you just seem like the coolest woman around. I love the sound of your new/old life down in the south. I am rooting for you!

[leahsue]

Kevin, thanks for the OTF encouragement. I'm going to need all I can get to keep going there. So many FIT, YOUNG, HARD BODIES. Plus, the first time I went, I got 12 splat points and stayed in the orange almost the whole time. The 2 times since, I have not gotten to nearly that. I think the first time I was operating on an adrenaline rush, plus pushed by my own insecurities. The other times it just felt like ~ what fresh HE** have I stumbled into now? Look, at my age, I'm not training for the Olympics. I just want to feel good, be a little healthier, and if the body follows then that's a plus too.
Helies, I used to be fun and cool, and I'm clawing my way back. So much fun to be had, and I had forgotten!
I went to happy hour and had a ball. He did call while I was gone, but I didn't call back when I got home. Happy houred out, you know? Also, H has hated Facebook the last few years since his ex blew him up about some really sweet post he put up about coming home to me or missing me or something- (and BTW, we had been married TO EACH OTHER for 10 years at the time- go figure- talk about crossing boundaries-but another subject)- anyway, suddenly this week he posts a little video of a fireworks display he made from his balcony of the NYC skyline, then yesterday he replaces his ancient profile photo of us, with a great picture of he and his daughter. In my happy hour state last night, I think I over-reacted to his doing that. I saw it as removing me. I think now it was just a really great picture of him and he is starting to come alive again. I need to quit making things about "AT ME", when usually it has nothing to do with me at all. Luckily, I only over-reacted to my sister and not actually ON FB (never get on there after happy hour), and certainly not to him. Off to a wedding weekend. Later, friends. (And I sincerely do mean friends- that's how I think of this board now-as real friends. Another plus to all of our having to be here.)
Jeep, when I get back, I'm coming over to TW and join the misfits. Sounds like my kind of people!

[OwnIt]

Try to ignore the specifics of the FB posts. Mine has done some super wacky stuff. I try to view it in a trending sense, kind of like a check on where his head is. As in, beginning in October, first there were the creepy love poems to her (although he never mentioned her and she has never appeared there), then political/religious stuff where he was trying to get a rise out of people, then it was his adoption of stoicism as his life's philosophy, then stuff about letting go of the pain of losing people, then stuff about trying to find happiness, then nature photography, then poems about losing people and accepting other people's mistakes, then poems about missing spouse and children, and now today poems about life being gray and without fizz.

I see him posting a pic with his daughter about remembering how important family is and fireworks seeing the beauty in things. Maybe he is awakening to a fog he has been in. You are inspiring me to kick up my exercise again.

Hope to hear more about your fabulous GAL activities in the coming days!

[Dawgs]

I see him posting a pic with his daughter about remembering how important family is and fireworks seeing the beauty in things. Maybe he is awakening to a fog he has been in.

Or maybe he just loves his daughter? Try not to read into things.