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Go enjoy the rugby and beat England if ye can.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Huddy Offline OP
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Hi Roist

I'm English (actually a Yorkshireman) bud wink

Of course one thing does go through my mind - have I been used for years? Was I simply just a way of helping my W bring up SD with finance and providing a home, with my S & D a happy coincidence? Sadly, it is a thought I'm having. I struggle with the coldness of it all. Just thinking out loud.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
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SBJ Offline
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As for the useless info...it isn't useless if it makes you better down the line.

As for the kids and things that keep you connected...we all understand that. Most of us have young children with our MLC'ers. Some of us also have businesses with them, have church relationships together, and other volunteer obligations with them. Dropping the rope that binds you is the toughest thing you can do, but as roist has told me many times, that is the only thing that helps "you". You are the most important part of all of this. If you don't survive this mentally and physically, then you won't be any help to you kids down the line, nor for you W if she ever comes out of this fog. It all starts with you.

Stay strong my friend.

Friendly question for you and your useless info...I am in Texas and have typically been a beer & bourbon guy and occasional an Irish Whiskey drinker. What's a good starting point to Scotch? I haven't looked up you Glayvar yet, but I'm about to. Cheers to us all going thru this trial together.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Huddy Offline OP
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Hi SBJ

I'm an Englishman (Yorkshireman) living under a flag of convenience (work) wink

Scotch is something for my bud NDY - he might be able to help you out on that one. Glayvar is a honey/almond based infused whisky style drink, originally from Edinburgh (Leith area). It's quite pricy, but well worth the effort. Probably appeal to you if you like marzipan or sweet tasting liquers.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Oct 2014
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Hi Huddy, just thinking about your posts from this week..

25yearsMLC once posted that it is helpful to think about how you would like your life to be if your spouse were truly gone (which they are for now.) And you had fully grieved for them, and were happily single and not thinking about dating someone else just yet...

How would you be spending your time? What would your home life be like? And work? What dreams would you be following? What kind of relationship would you have with your kids? How would you enjoy your leisure time? What would bring you real joy and a sense of peace? What would you be learning? How would you be looking after your health? Finances? And so on....

I have seen posters really think through this process and manage to put their spouse and relationship successfully on the back burner. You said in a previous post that there's more work to do on detachment....might something like the above help do you think?

Have a great weekend anyway smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Huddy Offline OP
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Hello peeps!

Haven't been on for a while, but have been reading other threads.

W picked up the kids after my two and a bit weeks with them. She was incredibly sore, but had managed to get herself in to some skinny jeans (not very sensible). I helped down the steps with the kids bags. The day before we'd been to a kids party and I noticed after I got in my flat she was busy texting somebody - who, don't know, but she texted soon after to tell me how tired she was etc. I just replied OK.

When she brought the kids over the past two times, she has brought SD with her and hasn't left the car. Guilt or soreness, I don't know. SD told me how her specialist had told her she wasn't healing properly and wouldn't if she didn't look after herself. I think SD wanted me to make some sort of gesture, but I just shrugged in a 'she made the choice to have surgery' kind of way.

As for me, I've been out and about a little bit more. I helped out at work one Saturday (I'm saving up to take the kids somewhere really nice in the summer hols - the overtime comes in nicely) and from that, I got a party invite for the Sunday. That was a bit of light relief.

Work is hectic, but have formed a friendship with a woman who I work with. She's younger than me, but has sought me out as she is also having relationship troubles. Nothing but friendship mind - I'm old enough to be her Dad!

Kids are coming this weekend and it's Mother's Day here in the UK, so we're off to Lush to get W a gift for that day, and a card. SD has bought her own, so that's fine. Treat time for the kids (McDonald's, Mr Pretzels, Toys!) and for me as we get to have a pizza night etc.

My best man is coming up next Friday for three nights, so we'll have a blast and the following week, me and NDY are hitting the town - watch out ladies wink

Two years up in a just over a week and I'm feeling a little more positive. Not giving up yet, but not lying down either!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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Huddy Offline OP
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Mothers Day has been and gone here in the UK. Took the kids to buy a gift from Lush (if you're not from the UK, it's a nice toiletries store that is mid-priced, but exceptional quality) card etc. We had treats at McD's and Hotel Chocolat (a very expensive chocolate shop) and some Mr Pretzels! Weather was nice for the time of year, so also treated the kids to some new bomber style jackets, pink for D and blue for S.

W picked up the kids and thanked me for the gifts. For the first time, she liked a post of mine on FB. She has two accounts, one in her married name, and one in her maiden name - she's using her maiden name one right now, so I don't respond (you might think it's childish, but I'm not going to support that nonsense, as this is part of MLC so that people she went to school with [35 years ago] can find her - not being funny, but if they missed you, they'd have found you).

I was thinking of the MLC timeline, in relation to a post from Wonka and J3B (RIP). I think I can summerise as follows:

Late 2013 - starts to say things about getting old
Xmas 2013 - starts wondering about old school friends
Jan 2014 - starts to lose weight (menopause starts)
Jun 2014 - starts to question my figure/looks
Oct 2014 - has teeth whitened
Dec 2014 - starts wishing we hadn't had kids so she could go to pub
Jan 2015 - turns 50
Feb 2015 - goes out and stays out one night to 0400hrs (very unusual)
Mar 2015 - keeps withdrawing from family life/depression
Apr 2015 - BD

The rest is on my litany of threads! So, I guess I'm about 4 years in to this, I just didn't know about the first 2!

W at the moment isn't spewing and is trying to smile at me (on todays' visit). However, no expectations and my mate comes up on Friday and the following week, fellow forum member NDY and me are hitting the town!

Have a great Sunday folks!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
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Huddy Offline OP
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Hmmm....had better days.

Firstly, I received an eviction notice for my flat. The guy who owns it wants to sell it and so my lease isn't being renewed. I have to be out by the start of June. Bummer!

Secondly, my W called this evening to tell me her 'boob' job had burst and got infected. The doctor is calling her back to hospital on Wednesday to remove the implant and then treat the infection. She called to ask me to look after the kids. It's difficult to say no to that situation. I will look after my children, but I won't be looking after W.

We had a small convo about her op. She told me that she hadn't told her family and had only told one close friend (funnily, it's the same one that she got pally with just prior to me being given my variant of ILYBNILWY speech). I knew, but didn't let on (apart from to fellow forum members and my good bud NDY), so acted shocked that she'd had it done. She said she hadn't told me as she 'didn't tell you everything' - hmmm.....more lying me thinks and manipulation going on.

So, forum friends, how do I approach this? The doctor is planning to sew her up while she goes away with the kids next week. Do I try a 'times up - what do you think you're doing speech' or not? Surely it's time for her to come to her senses, right? I'm determined that I won't help her, as such, but I obviously have to look after my children. This is the difficult bit - how can I show detachment during this?

All in all, a bit of a ba$tard of a day frown


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,458
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Alright mate, my tuppence worth.

Get the flat sorted. That's your priority IMO. You need somewhere to live.

Quote:

So, forum friends, how do I approach this? The doctor is planning to sew her up while she goes away with the kids next week. Do I try a 'times up - what do you think you're doing speech' or not? Surely it's time for her to come to her senses, right? I'm determined that I won't help her, as such, but I obviously have to look after my children. This is the difficult bit - how can I show detachment during this?


This just shows you're clinging tightly onto that rope. She will run a mile. And what would you do if she said she had already made her decision and she's perfectly happy where she was? Can't you see that this is full of expectations? That to you this is just a temporary thing? I've said it before mate but I believe to you this is just a falling out. It's not. Time for ultimatums passed a long time ago. I mean 'Times up'? It's this type of thinking that lets her know you are still hanging on.

Quote:

Surely it's time for her to come to her senses, right?



What makes you think that in her mind she hasn't already came to her senses two years ago and that this alternative life she's chosen is the best decision she's ever made (to her that is).

Too many expectations going on here. This is where you fail at detachment because you want to appear detached to her. That's not how it works. You actually have to BE detached regardless if she pays attention or not. It's for you mate not her.

If there was a chance for you and her then she has to want to come back on her own. Ultimatums and throwing down gauntlets don't do that. You need to find another path for you.

Peace


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
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Huddy Offline OP
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Hi NDY

Yeah, kind of thought about this morning on the train to work - nonsense on my part! I realise that throwing around demands isn't the answer - she either has to realise that what she's throwing away is priceless, or I have to find someone who actually values my self worth.

As always, noted, and valuable advice smile Looking for a flat Friday morning frown


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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