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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Hiya CRW,

I am so sorry to see you here and in so much pain. If I may, you would really benefit if you would move you thread over to the MLC forum as I strongly suspect your W is going through MLC. Hey, I speak from experience as former reformed badass MLCer.

You will get tons of support from the very loving souls over in the MLC forum along with zany MLC humor! You'll be in VERY GOOD hands with those folks. cool

To be upfront here...you are in for a LONG and bumpy ride. Living with a MLCer isn't fun at all. This is one of those seemingly long marathons. It's no mere 50-yard dash nor any magic bullets.

And I have this awful feeling that the so-called friend is W's OM.

Go on and stake your tiki-hut over in the MLC forum. The best outfitted tiki-hut is HaWho's!! Why she's got a basement that was just converted to a stinky dorm room! HAAA.

Hang in there, buddy.

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Originally Posted By: Crw613

So - I reach out to our marriage counselor today - she says to me:
Your wife is suffering from major trauma in her past. She was so neglected by her parents that she is seeing things through horrible lenses - and I'm really sorry, you have to see her as a sad and hurt 7 year old girl - be compassionate, detach, just be kind and gentle and give her room. You may have no play here. I asked her if I should tell my wife, its either me, or her individual therapist, but Im not sticking around with her individual therapist in the picture. She says of course it would be amazing if Tammy stopped seeing her therapist, but 60/40 she picks the therapist over you.

This is so tragic. All I can do is pray for patience and guidance and help from people in my path...


Agree you should read the MLC homework and meet the folks over there (I moved from newcomers to MLC too). At least you have a good marriage counselor...


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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hi Wonka - Which "so called friend" as the OM? So...at some point do things ever turn around for a MLCer? I mean, I'm human...Im headed away for the weekend. Got a room on the beach, going to just relax and reconnect to some old friends. I have to admit I'm kind of concerned of what would happen if I were to bump into a OW myself in this state of mind...I mean whats the best way to "disconnect" from a MLCer? This is such a crazy ride. Going to head over to MLC...not sure exactly how to do it but ill work on it.


------
Me 45, W 50
M1 - 1994
D1 - 2000
T-8 M-2.5
No children
M2 (current w)- 2003
T-14 M-14
BD1 - Jan 2016
Sept 7 2016, Piecing
BD2 - Nov 2016, IWAD
Jan 2017, Piecing
D-12, D-10,D-10,D-10,D-9,S-8
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I am not surprised you are struggling sweetheart.

You are in a whirlwind of craziness. Loco stuff.

A complex ball of feelings and thoughts.

One thing I absolutely know for sure, you are the more stable parent for your precious children.

The term is detatch rather than disconnect.

And what you are feeling is absolutely ok, and usual. Yes even the anger is on cue.

Hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi all...this is a major question....



Wife is about to do BD#3, and I think ask for D. We have been separated 6 weeks, I separated at her request, we started nesting for our 6 kids, crazy arrangement: we switch off with the kids EVERY NIGHT and move downstairs to a small one bedroom in our apt building alternate nights and then switch off on weekends...i agreed to this with the understanding we were going to try to work on the marriage...

now, wife is about to shoot MC#3 since she feels she is not "being heard" in the room during counseling, feels she is not getting anywhere with counseling, and flew out of the country for 3 days leaving me with the 6 kids.

So here is my 180 - I am ok with her proceeding with asking for divorce and starting the process - but I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT WHILE AGREEING TO THIS RIDICULOUS SEPARATION ARRANGEMENT!

In fact, I am planning on very politely telling her that I am moving back in, and not only that, I am going to move back into the master bedroom, because I have not felt comfortable being thrown out of the bedroom and asked to sleep in the guest bedroom for the last 8 months etc. In fact, I did not cheat on her or do anything. She just feels like she is not in love with me any longer. So - the boundary for me would be this message to her "look, you know i want to make things work, but i also need to take care of myself now, and I have not been able to sleep for almost 8 months, with the separation its been even worse. The reason is I have felt humiliated being in the guest bedroom, so Im going to move into the master, and you should take care of yourself any way you need.

if she needs to leave our bedroom, that is what she should do. I expect she will be very pissed, and maybe go hostile, but SHE IS THE ONE ASKING FOR DIVORCE, and I want to make it clear that I have consistently indicated a faithful willingness to work on the marriage - and in fact bent over backwards to give her the space she needed and demanded over these many months.

We have been to three marriage counselors, they have all agreed my wife is the "indicated patient" not me...in fact, they have all seemed to focus on getting my wife to look in the mirror during therapy, and stop playing the victim and spoiled entitled spouse - but she is completely blocked from being able to do this work.

The point is - im fed up now - in fact, i really feel like I've been a pushover in many ways i was scared of her, didn't want to rock to boat and assert myself, was just wallowing in my own guilt and shame because of how she was treating me. this may have really been the wrong tact - i did not show backbone and stand my ground, forcing her to live with the consequences of her request for separation (i.e. - go ahead and move out if you are not happy)

I have spoken this over with our child psychologist, who liked that i was asserting myself, and said "sure it may impact the kids, but you have to take care of yourself."

I spoke to two spiritual mentors who both thought is was a fine approach, as long as I was very gentle with conveying the message to her I was moving back into the bedroom, and not being vindictive.

Really curious to hear input on this bold move...its pretty much the bottom of the 9th in our marriage so Im not sure I have anything to lose by standing up for myself (and making it clear I'm here to save my marriage and my children who are suffering terribly from her decisions).

but, naturally, and as usual, i am fearful and worried i will upset her and she will just reject me even more or whatever...

Feedback???
_________________________
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Me 45, W 50
M1 - 1994
D1 - 2000
T-8 M-2.5
No children
M2 (current w)- 2003
T-14 M-14
BD1 - Jan 2016
Sept 7 2016, Piecing
BD2 - Nov 2016, IWAD
Jan 2017, Piecing
D-12, D-10,D-10,D-10,D-9,S-8


------
Me 45, W 50
M1 - 1994
D1 - 2000
T-8 M-2.5
No children
M2 (current w)- 2003
T-14 M-14
BD1 - Jan 2016
Sept 7 2016, Piecing
BD2 - Nov 2016, IWAD
Jan 2017, Piecing
D-12, D-10,D-10,D-10,D-9,S-8
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Wow LALost....I read up on your sitch. You have been dealing will a very difficult situation.

I do like your approach to moving back into the master bedroom. It is important for you to take care of yourself, especially for your children.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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^This

The thing is, you need to take care of your road and make it inviting to her, but don't push her to travel on it because she won't. She is on her own road now. You take care of you. For YOU and your children.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Yesterday I hinted that the arrangement is not working for me or the kids now with this nesting arrangement every other day. She agreed and asked me what I am thinking. I didn't want to tell her my plans but she kept pushing. Finally I asked her what she thought my plan was, and she says you want to move back in. I didn't answer, just said I don't know I need to think about what works best for the kids. ,my divorce coach says focus on making it about the kids not me. The six little ones are suffering. And their mom has done whacky things like buy them all iPads and now we are getting a puppy in the midst of thiis madness.


------
Me 45, W 50
M1 - 1994
D1 - 2000
T-8 M-2.5
No children
M2 (current w)- 2003
T-14 M-14
BD1 - Jan 2016
Sept 7 2016, Piecing
BD2 - Nov 2016, IWAD
Jan 2017, Piecing
D-12, D-10,D-10,D-10,D-9,S-8
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 21
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Oh, and it's my off weekend so I'm headed to a spa for the weekend. Trying to get a couple business opportunities lined up. Feels good to be out.

One thing that has come up is flirting. I have not flirted in like 15 years...now I'm noticing women (noticing me) and starting to consider y options.

I feel like I a,m abandoning my children every time my mind starts going to a place of "you know what I'll just get divorced and remarry a much younger woman and start a new family". The thoughts have started coming lately for the first time in 1.5 years of hell with my wife. I guess they are natural, but they are both scary and exciting.


------
Me 45, W 50
M1 - 1994
D1 - 2000
T-8 M-2.5
No children
M2 (current w)- 2003
T-14 M-14
BD1 - Jan 2016
Sept 7 2016, Piecing
BD2 - Nov 2016, IWAD
Jan 2017, Piecing
D-12, D-10,D-10,D-10,D-9,S-8
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