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WshIKnw Offline OP
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How many times have you guys fought the urge to talk to your WAS and whine, complain, reason, and so forth? It's so hard when there are things you want to say to them so badly but DB says you shouldn't. It's that whole trust the head over the heart thing. Why is it our instinct to do what we shouldn't to get our spouses back?


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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Wish

We try everything.

Try being the operative word. Nothing works, as No one can talk another into loving them. Begging, pleading etc isn't attractive.

It is what you do not what you say that attracts your spouse. If there is an OM1 OM2 or even OM3..... none of that ids good. A waywards mindset us destructive to you. You can't love the waywardness out of a wayward.

We are encouraging you to develop you. And will keep on doing this until you put you first. Thus is the most important thing that you can do for you.

Mind and actions 100% on you. You are a young man with a great heart and attitude, and I encourage you to focus on you.

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Actions not words.

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
How many times have you guys fought the urge to talk to your WAS and whine, complain, reason, and so forth? It's so hard when there are things you want to say to them so badly but DB says you shouldn't. It's that whole trust the head over the heart thing. Why is it our instinct to do what we shouldn't to get our spouses back?


Because doing something new and different is by definition Uncomfortable for us. So we go back to what we know.

Cheeseless tunnels. Do you remember that phrase? What once worked OR seemed to work gets repeated even in the face of evidence it no longer works

or even makes things worse.

Whining and complaining are never effective at getting authentic change in them.

Why would it? I think you know this.

Someone might do something to silence us to save themselves the hassle of hearing it

but they won't want to STAY and hear that.

DBing seems counter intuitive to many people and they resist it.

Guess it's about you deciding

whether you are more uncomfortable with your life as it is -

or changing.

Once you are here, zero of your options are comfortable or painless.

THAT^^^ is hard to accept. But when you think about it, it's actually self evident.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Try googling comfort zone.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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WshIKnw Offline OP
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My question, though, is why is it our instinct to do the things that will make our spouses not want to come back or stay? Mostly everyone wants to beg and plead, right?


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Each of our sitches are different.

The way I think of it is we have behavioural habits that become entrenched. Some of these are unattractive and counter productive. Some of them come from childhood (FOO) and others just from automatic responses.

There are many different ways of patterning, often we behave without thinking or our thinking is skewed. Sometimes it's a test for the other, or for finalising the sitch, getting it over with.

They say there are four emergency responses, fight (anger) flight (going silent and escaping) freeze (fear, rabbit in the headlights) or faun (placate, beg etc). And it's obvious which one this is I think.

Which of these we do is in our comfort zone.

And usually none of these responses work. Only working on us to become assists us. Remember, much of our response is automatic, so to change an automatic response we dig deep and shift.

So likely losing your temper or going silent, sulking or falling to pieces wouldn't work either. In essence a healthy strong detached response is best.

Those are my thoughts

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
My question, though, is why is it our instinct to do the things that will make our spouses not want to come back or stay? Mostly everyone wants to beg and plead, right?


I am not sure I understand the question exactly. But no, I did not want to do things I thought would hurt the cause.


I did not ever beg, and I did not plead so much as try to reason with him. (And I still think if I'd been in court arguing, I'd have won!)

But h could not hear me so it did not matter how brilliant and persuasive my points were. My words were totally ineffective. And so was anger, even if it was "right". The more I challenged his choices, the more he defended them. As far as I recall, once I really truly knew what did not work, I stopped doing it.

DBing helped me a great deal with no longer doing what was harming our m. I hired a DB coach too, and probably had 12-15 sessions with her. That was the single best thing I did.

It wasn't the only thing, but it was key.

Good luck


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 355
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WshIKnw Offline OP
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Posts: 355
Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
My question, though, is why is it our instinct to do the things that will make our spouses not want to come back or stay? Mostly everyone wants to beg and plead, right?

I just thought of a good point. Just as my instincts as a man to treat my wife like a man wants to be treated, like I want to be treated, rather than how a woman wants to be treated, greatly contributed to my failure as a husband, other instincts like begging, pleading, and convincing could fail me the same, even though they seem so right (well, at least convincing and sweet talking).

25, did your husband have another woman?


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
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Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
How many times have you guys fought the urge to talk to your WAS and whine, complain, reason, and so forth? It's so hard when there are things you want to say to them so badly but DB says you shouldn't. It's that whole trust the head over the heart thing. Why is it our instinct to do what we shouldn't to get our spouses back?


Reason, yes. Whine and complain? No. Who wants to hear someone whine and complain?

We've all been there. And we all have crushed that butterfly into dust. Is it right? No, but we do it because we want to hold onto our memories of what we ONCE had. That's what it boils down to...the fact that we are fighting for the memory of the person we had, not the person we have - well not really, because we don't have that person, either. The bigger question is why do we do this? Why do we continually fight for someone that doesn't feel the way we do? Why do we fight for someone who has disrespected us and the marriage so greatly as to sleep with someone else? That's a hard question to answer.

The sun will always rise. Maybe we do it out of fear of the unknown. We always think if we do this or this or this that it will somehow magically make them want to come back, when it does nothing more than drive a wedge into the chasm that is already there. I get it. I truly do. I once did all those things. I thought, maybe if I did this - maybe if I took her out on a date, whatever - that things would change. We've all been there.

Maybe our answer lies in our own selfishness.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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