Moored

[roist]

I WOW hawho, what a week, though at this stage they probably all seem similar... .. unfortunately for you. Your post brought a few thoughts to mind:

You have been sick and surely tireder than usual. I find that when I am tired I am less positive, less optimistic and definitely less tolerant. That could have been a part of your shifting emotional outlook. Regardless of the cause I think such shifts are important to move forward. The question is what are you going to DO with your Newfound clearness. I remember asking the same a while back about your Scarlet O'Hara mentality. I think such moments are prompts from your subconscious that you are ready to change something. It can be difficult to figure out what, but it can be a great opportunity to expand.

Sometimes a change can just be in our way of thinking or our viewpoint on something. But ideally that change in our mentality does lead to change in our attitudes which drives our actions.

There were times during my situation that "doing nothing" was the hardest thing to DO. Doing nothing however does not mean you do nothing. IMO it refers to doing nothing directly or indirectly specifically to change something about the R/ the WAS and/or AP. However it does not exclude other actions in all the other areas of DBing and in life.

That being said, in your situation, it must take tremendous effort and energy just to withstand his shitte and not be an emotional wreck. Sometimes I feel we are in a wild river and it is an achievement just to stay in place and not get swept in emotional turmoil. You have withstood a lot for so long and keep getting hit daily by more waves. Like many others here, I can only congratulate you on being able to do that.

O
Where did you do your reading on mlc stages? I ask for me. IMO it is MLC, but the label changes nothing. Remember your H wasn't always like this so chances are he will not always be like this either. Actually I believe it is inevitable that eventually he will change (for the better). I can understand you feeling numb towards H and also your frustration due to how long this has been going on. You could look at the positive in that you are three years closer to the end, than when you started. In other words you have never been so close to it ending. You cannot argue with, that logic and each passing day brings you closer to the end of this crisis.

Our attitude, behavior and actions can influence the outcome and the pace leading up to that. I would like job to be more specific on how you rattle his cage to help him progress quicker. Until job provides her insight, I would comment that there is a long timeframe still ahead. It is up to us how we live that phase. Work towards living it as fully as possible.

This could be just me, but I find it unacceptable that your H would eat a bowl of ice cream whilst you and you kids eat a proper meal. Stamp that out. It is a lowsy example for your children. How can we expect them to eat/behave properly if their dad doesn't. Again this is just my opinion. He is free to eat whatever he wants in his room (again not ideal role model but better than at table).

Can I get a copy of his diet plan that replaces a meal with ice cream !?!? Haha. Or did he catch you poisoning him again. Haha.

[roist]

I forgot to mention that at least in my situation I have found that doing nothing was exactly what I needed to do. It was the best, though hardest approach. I would add that "doing nothing" is not appropriate ALL THE TIME

Best wishes

[job]

Jim Conway has a book out there on his MLC, as well as his wife wrote a book about his MLC. You may want to read those two books. However, we use to have a poster named HeartsBlessing who took the stages described by Jim Conway and expanded them when her h went thru his crisis. However, w/both of them, you can't set your watch by the timelines because each and every person going thru crisis will either take longer or shorter time, but the stages give you an idea of what might happen. They are just a guideline, i.e., very similar to grieving. HeartsBlessing no longer posts here and you may want to google her name and locate her that way because we aren't allowed to share other sites on here. Also, you can change your posting timeline at the bottom left hand corner at the Display Options. Change it to all and do a search of her name that way. I can't guarantee that all of her postings are still here, but it's worth a try. Maybe HaWho will share what she has since we have gone thru several purges and a lot of excellent data has been lost forever.

[Gordie]

Thanks Marye. It's nice to hear from you and thanks for the kind post.

Job - on the subject of deep replay, tonight while we ate a proper dinner, h had a bowl of icecream.

It's been an odd week here. I feel like all these shifts took place, like plates beneath the earth. And weird as it was when it was all happening, once it passed I came to an even more settled landscape.

The week started with me, out of the blue, thinking maybe this wasn't MLC. It's been so long now that I thought maybe this is just who he is now. Then I re-read the stages of MLC and talked myself off my own mental ledge.

Next I just got so sad that, because this has been going on so long, this is probably how my kids will remember their father "is." And that bummed me out to my core. This shapes their childhood memories so much.

After that, for a few days, I found myself wondering why he hasn't given me his resignation papers. Years ago he said he was going to get a place and start sleeping around. It seems like this was something he felt he really needed to do and I was waiting so long for it.

And the week capped out with me having a spurt of anger over so much of what he's done to all of us. How he's altered the landscape of our lives so very much. I wanted to say something to him; ask him to get himself together--get a grip.

Then after all that I had moments where I thought I should do more. But what? He kicked me to the curb and then basically wrote me a (really weird) power point presentation on the stupid things I needed to do to fix the whole marriage single handedly.

Sometimes I wonder if I am even being a lighthouse? I try to remember that doing nothing is doing something.

Anyway, it's been a mental gymnastics sort of week here. But after it all passed I do feel like I hit more solid ground. I deserve so much more than this. While I know that, I feel myself really believing it in a whole new way. It's some sort of shift that has been cemented after all the turmoil this week.

A couple quick h updates. He helped kids w/homework this week. A first in a long while. So I thanked him. His immediate response was a cantankerous: "I didn't do it for you" (complete with a scoff). Me (very lightly): "well, I know that but it happened to save me time so thanks."

What a punk.

Last night I said something that made h laugh and he laughed in a way I have not seen in years. It went on and one in his old way. Then when he stopped minutes later he laughed all over again. And his eyes danced.

He was showing me something and had to adjust my legs to explain. It is the first time he has happened to touch me since Christmas. I felt nothing. It was neither awkward nor painful. That made me sad. Just nada.

As h shifted something I saw him looking at a photo album. I would think he'd have to see how happy we all were. But probably he was only looking at himself and lamenting the degree to which he's aged.

And today in the kitchen, he asked if I was feeling better. I said yes and he said he could tell. I said he was lucky he didn't get it. He said he did and that the sore throat was bad, but he never lost his voice. Truly, it felt like a conversation with a co-worker. Polite, civil but absolutely nothing more. Monday morning water bubbler talk.

HaWho, thanks for your continuing inspiration. I feel so many of the things you feel. Is this really MLC or did my W just change? Why hasn't she filed D papers yet? How is this affecting our children? And the aging thing...my W says she no longer believes in aging. I didn't know that was something one believed in or not.

[HaWho]

I read the Conway books and do feel they offer excellent overviews. I personally feel these books somehow did not adequately capture the horrific turmoil inherent in MLC. This is awful to say but they seemed somewhat tame and sedate compared to what I actually was witnessing. They captured it clinically (really well) and I think Conway's stages were very much the launching pad for HB.

HB, like Job said, really chronicled the train wreck I was seeing and in so doing, offered reassurance that this thing was real and could be a true horror show. As Job said she does not post here anymore but if you google her you'll find lots of what I re-read.

There are remnants of her work here, but she has expanded on them elsewhere. Here are some of her excerpts from her days here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1774752&page=1

And this too, but with additional insightful posts attached:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484776&page=1

Here's another link that always reassures me that I am not nuts:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/surviving-your-husbands-midlife-crisis/

This one details withdrawal to acceptance (I don't read this one often as it doesn't pertain to me but it's interesting):

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...403#Post2074403

Additional pearls (this one on reconnecting):

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2191432


Thanks KYH, Job, Roist and Gordie. I appreciate your posts. I'll write more in reply next time but I did want to post up some of my go-to references.

P.S. In some of these older posts, you may recognize the wise "voice" of the poster, "Snodderly." It's Job!

[roist]

Thank you for, taking the time to link those and sharing your sources. I have in the past read excerpts of those and some posts of HB here. I looked at her current site yesterday. I will take the time to delve into that some day, but for now I need to concentrate on moving forward and my actions. I feel I have gotten stuck recently, but at the same time I feel I am on the brink of a huge step forward. Watch my space for that in the coming weeks/months!!

Best wishes

[HaWho]

Roist - I will gladly watch for the steps forward! I like the advance notice you give; it's like a pre-marketing launch: Coming Soon!

Job - it's true that in general there is progress compared to last year. This time in 2016 h was a viper, he was tossing his dishes into the garbage and spitting fire 24/7. Anger, anger & anger. His paranoia was launched this time last year. There's some improvement here, too.

Get this. A few nights ago at dinner time h is all grumpy and huffy. I pay him no attention. He huffs around more. Finally he says he left his money at x place, went back and it was gone. I ask if he's sure he left it there. He says yes. I recommend a few places for him to try (just like I would to my teen) and he gets snippy (like I am stating the obvious). So I politely drop out of the conversation.

The good news is, and this is so sad, he doesn't accuse us of stealing it. (Remember laptop-gate?)

A few days later I remember the lost money and he seems not to be mentioning it which is unusual for him as he holds onto these things for a while. So I ask f he found it. And he did! It slipped behind a shelf in his stinky dorm room. And I am glad he locks it or he probably would have accused me of stealing it and then hiding it behind the shelf. Oh, I was so close to asking if the laptop was there, too.

Lately he has taken some notice of the house. He used to be very house proud. In MLC he is ok with squalor and complete dilapidation. I noticed he's been tidying a few areas outside the dorm room. He told me to make a list of repairs and he'll call a repairman. He used to be hyper vigilant and everything worked so well. I said ok and thanks.

Anyway, things are quiet here. My new company is amazing. There is, unbelievably, an overt company-wide focus on personal growth/inner awareness for the sake of finding peace and joy. Much of it is in sync with what we practice here! I can't believe of all the companies out there that I landed here at this time of my life when I needed it most.

So weirdly coincidental. I feel blessed.

[WillDo]

Very nice. ove regarding the company. They promote inner awareness. Incrediable.

HaWho how does the finace go in the household? My W seperated her account and didn't suggest anything about contribution to daily/monthly expenses. Sis you talk o him about these. Do you have a boundry set?

[HaWho]

Things have been on the quiet side over here. What a change from a year ago where there was only turmoil.

As for h? Lately he seems to be spinning about his age. One day he'll enthusiastically note how young he still looks and then the next he lements he is so old. Lots of struggles with the fact that time stops for no man.

Recently he asked me how I am and he looked me in the eye. He really looked at me, too. I told him I was fine but actually I hadn't had a good day. He seemed to be trying to read my expression.

I reorganized things this weekend and in so doing came across old photo albums. Looking at 2011 and early 2012 his eyes fluctuate between "smiling," and "distant." However, for the first time I also saw some photos of him where his eyes were very defiant. There was a sternness to his jaw I had not seen before. He looks angry in many of the photos. By the middle of 2012 it's all shark eyes, which I noticed years ago.

What's interesting about those photos where his eyes are angry and defiant, is that I saw that same look before. At XMAS, while we were home, his family pulled out old pictures of him as a youth and he looked rebellious and angry in many of those photos. His jaw had the same sternness and he would jut it out just so.

The day we got together with old friends, h's buddy, who was taking pictures asked h why he never smiled for photos. Everyone is smiling and he is stone faced.

The last few days he's been up and 3 or 4 AM and he rattles around the kitchen so much he wakes me up. He is so loud. I can't but help think it's intentional. And then I can't go back to sleep. It makes for a sleepy start to my day.

I have family coming to visit in 1 month. They've never met my kids nor h. Initially they were planning to stay for 2 or 3 days. Now they'll be here 6. It's a lot given the circumstances.

Additionally, at this same exact time, my niece will be in town visiting a friend who moved here. That one worries me because she knows h. She'll for sure see the differences + she is very perceptive to boot. She's also a hit you between the eyes kind of gal. So I am getting worried on how to answer her questions without lying or coming across like my head is buried in the sand.

I haven't even told h yet about my niece coming. I am worried it'll stress him out and he'll get worse/weirder just as he did this time last year when my sisters came.

[job]

They do tend to obsess over the age and looking and acting young. They moods are up one minute and down the next. It's difficult to determine how they'll be at any given time. All you can do is just listen, step aside when they are nutty and allow them to think about things, including that "mirror, mirror, on the wall who is the fairest of them all" period of time each day.

He's trying to figure you out. You aren't reacting/responding the way that you use to and he's puzzled by your changes. That's okay...it's good for him to inquire and mull things over.

Now, it's going to be something when your family comes for a week and then your niece is coming to town too...that will be interesting. If she asks questions, be honest to a point, and if the questions are too much for you to handle, just say, it's a work in progress and hopefully things will settle down in the future.

I don't think I would mention the niece coming until closer to the time. Why? Because her plans may very well change.

The next month or so is going to be stressful in your household. Plan to have some activities that will help you and your sons when dealing with the stressors.