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#2735928 03/24/17 10:43 AM
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Wow, another thread.

Thank you for your words of wisdom Helies.

In addition to feeling melancholy, I am feeling so paranoid. Ugh. I hate that I am doing all this mindreading. I just need to stop.

Since I know H has filed, but hasn't served me, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My sister in law is coming to town late next week. When I have texted her to talk about the trip she has been taking an unusually long time to respond. My mind assumes the worse. I assume H is going to have her serve me. I have this awful feeling that this is how he is going to choose to do it.

It is completely irrational on so many levels.

Right now I kinda feel like I am going crazy.

FightOn #2735942 03/24/17 12:16 PM
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I don't know if this will help or not. But I told my H from the beginning, that if you reach the point where you decide you want to file for divorce, have the decency to let me hear that from you and not from a process server who comes to the door that one of your children might answer. Perhaps if you get the service over, the dread can stop. You can call him on his bluff. In most jurisdictions you can agree to waive service (which saves the fee and gives more time to answer). Perhaps you could casually say I am getting the impression that you filed for divorce. While it is not my choice, I understand that is your right. Let me know if you would like me to accept service (talk to your lawyer first of course).

I just don't like the idea of you sitting in dread with some Damoclean sword hanging over your head. When service happens is really irrelevant in a legal proceeding and perhaps you broaching the topic will make it more real to him. As countless have said here, D is not necessarily the end. Dread is often worse than the event it fears.

Remember that a piece of paper, whether the complaint or the final decree, is just that. Feelings, emotions, reality, are quite something else altogether.

OwnIt #2735943 03/24/17 12:28 PM
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You forgot to link your old thread to this one, so I've done it for you.

Previous Thread:

Loosening My Grip

FightOn #2735984 03/25/17 01:58 AM
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Originally Posted By: FightOn
Wow, another thread.

Thank you for your words of wisdom Helies.

In addition to feeling melancholy, I am feeling so paranoid. Ugh. I hate that I am doing all this mindreading. I just need to stop.

Since I know H has filed, but hasn't served me, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My sister in law is coming to town late next week. When I have texted her to talk about the trip she has been taking an unusually long time to respond. My mind assumes the worse. I assume H is going to have her serve me. I have this awful feeling that this is how he is going to choose to do it.

It is completely irrational on so many levels.

Right now I kinda feel like I am going crazy.


I hate that anxious feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's not good for your mental or physical health and a terrible way to live. Roist gave me some great advice to let go of it. You can't control it. If it happens deal with it then. Dreading it won't make it happen or not happen but it will make your life miserable. Write down your fears and process them. You can control that.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2735992 03/25/17 04:12 AM
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Gordie,

The advice you gave FightOn was excellent.

You have to live in the present because we sure don't know what the future holds and worrying about it will only give you an ulcer. Worry about the papers when you receive them. For now, enjoy your weekend and leave the MLC stuff in the closet.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2736008 03/25/17 07:57 AM
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Live in the present but be ready for the future. Don't bring the subject, if you bring it it goes against being detached and it might start another huge argument. Are you ready to deal with it? As you said, OW is not into him. So time is on your side.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
skyhigh #2736028 03/25/17 01:34 PM
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I understand the DB side of not bringing it up, but once the petition is filed there is a legal side as well. Most jurisdictions have time periods for which cases must make their way through the docket. What this can mean is that if there is waffling and time wasting at the front end, then events become compressed at the back end. I have been a litigator for 22 years now. What I can tell you is that when deadlines get short and people start reacting quickly, nothing good happens. People going through litigation (and have no doubt this is what divorce is) require time contemplation, processing, etc. If time gets short then it is like a stone rolling down hill.

If you can let go of the dread of waiting, then do. If you can't, remove that dread.

OwnIt #2736396 03/28/17 09:22 AM
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Hello there! Thank you OwnIt, Skyhigh, Job, and Roist for your help with this.

I sat on it over the weekend and gave it a lot of thought. I am going to ignore what I know.

Ownit - the time to respond to his petition doesn't start clicking until I get served. At this point, I am not concerned about having enough time to respond, etc. I have a lawyer lined up and a tentative plan in place. It's tentative only because with most things MLC, it seems we can never be 100% certain where things will go. He wants this, then he'll have to do the work.

I am going to learn to live with the discomfort and do my best to detach from it.

So I thought the passive aggressive nonsense was drawing to a close, but alas, he waited until Saturday morning to drop wheelbarrow full loads on me. The remarks kept coming. It has gotten so much easier for me to ignore it. My therapists have told me that people who do this don't even realize they are doing it. Knowing that does make me feel better about not responding. What good would it do? None. He would just get defensive and that would fuel his justifications. So for the time being, I'll put on my armor.

In the meantime, I am keeping up with the EMDR sessions and doing my best to move forward.

I had a very strange dream last night about my brother-in-law. We were having an affair!?! I remember feeling so alive and happy that someone was so excited to be with me. In the dream, my H found out about it and lost his mind. It all seemed so real. I was very discombobulated when I woke up.

FightOn #2736447 03/28/17 11:48 AM
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Just to clarify, we are talking about two different time periods. Yes your time to answer begins with service, but most courts will not allow an inactive case to sit indefinitely. Where I practice (I am a litigator), I have 120 days to get the case moving and then the consequences begin.

If you are ok with waiting, then by all means take that path. But please let go of the agony of the wait and accept that even if it comes, you can continue on as you have been. Many petitions are dismissed along the way and people do come back together after divorce. My daughter is an opera singer and I dearly hate the expression, but indeed it ain't over until the fat lady sings.

OwnIt #2736653 03/29/17 11:05 AM
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Thank you OwnIt! I didn't know your D is an opera singer! Wow! I have always been so amazed by their beautiful voices.

There has been a different feeling settling over me the last few days. It is difficult for me to describe. Perhaps its acceptance, maybe with some ambivalence thrown in, sprinkled with sadness. I feel like I'm letting go more and more.

Not having the answers to my questions has been a big part of my hang up. Not knowing what is true and what is a lie has also been a big issue. I think I am coming around to accepting that he can't or won't give me answers. Moreover, even if he did, I would need corroboration to believe him. I will just have to live with the uncomfortable feeling of never knowing some things. Laying these things down and just walking away from them is a difficult journey. But that is all I can really do. There is nothing I can do to get the answers.

S was ill on Monday. Fortunately, it was a work holiday for me so we just stayed home. He seemed better and I was going to send him to daycare yesterday, but when my mom found out she insisted on watching him. He is doing better so he went to daycare today.

H had a paper at school due last night so for the last few days he has been diligently working on it. It's been nice because it has limited our interaction.

One of H's older sisters is coming to town tomorrow. This should be interesting. My plan is to sit back and let him take the lead with regard to entertaining her. Afterall, she's HIS sister so it's his responsibility. Normally, I would contact any houseguest and find out what I should have on hand for breakfast, drinks, snacks, etc. to make their stay more comfortable. I would also arrange an itinerary of fun things to do. But I don't think I am going to do this since it his family. Or am I looking at this wrong? And should I tell him I am not going to do this?



Advice?

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