Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 12 1 2 8 9 10 11 12
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 110
J
jbroken Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 110
Sunmoon,

It is a horrific tragedy. But, we shall endure!

That word 'anti-social' was so painful to hear from her. She said to my folks. Her mother said to me. I was never a social butterfly like my W. I truly believed that we complimented each other on that front. I made her the centre of my world and I seemed to have been penalised for it!


Me:35 W:35
M:5 T:7
NO KIDS
S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017
BD: 7th Mar 2017
GD: 6 weeks
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
Quote:
I made her the centre of my world and I seemed to have been penalised for it!


No, you were not. What happens though, is that people change over time, that's a fact. Also, going through this and when a spouse decides to no longer be with us, things that may have been endearing to them at one time no longer are and become a nuisance. It is what it is. Trying to figure it out will lead you down some dark paths that you do not want to go...I know, I've been there.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
jbroken, I am sorry this has thrown you into such a tailspin. I have been off in melancholy land and am returning to the land of the living. One thing I found on my adventure there was that my penchant for mind-reading is driving me literally insane and getting me nowhere. Read BluWave's latest set of posts on what she learned from her H about what she thought and what was really going on. Leave the mind-reading to the palm readers and crystal ball gazers.

Now, on to that text. I used to play the game about how long should I wait to open and read. My H still does. He did it to me yesterday. But that is what it is, a game. Doesn't a normal person in a normal situation get a text, read it and respond. Don't you want her to see you as a normal person. I don't think delay here is bad. This was a major bad tragic event. Sometimes people just need some time. Do what feels right for you. There is a big difference between initiating contact and responding to contact.

The friends thing is interesting. In the last few years my H began to comment about why I didn't have more friends, why we didn't have mutual friends, etc. I think he was adding that to his list of justifications for how I am flawed or our relationship was flawed. Make friends for you. Friendship isn't something you can fake. There are a lot of great introverts in this world who have accomplished amazing things. Read the book Quiet (it will give you something to do instead of thinking about her so much).

Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 110
J
jbroken Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 110
I clicked on the message my mistake a few hours ago so technically, I've only just read it. But, your perspective is interesting. Yes, I do want her to think of me as a normal person. And normally I would've replied. But, this isn't a normal situation. I've just scrolled through the messaged I sent her for a couple of days after she walked out. And not a single sentence to make me feel better. Not even 'I'm sorry'. Nearly two weeks of not initiating contact and I didn't get single message to even check if I was alive or dead. It was brutal and heartless.

What I felt as soon as I did hear from her was rejection. She rejected me. She rejected us. She rejected our future together. And my heart seems to have that emotion on loop. But, I do see your point about responding to contact.Perhaps, I've made an error?


Me:35 W:35
M:5 T:7
NO KIDS
S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017
BD: 7th Mar 2017
GD: 6 weeks
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
What I meant by normal is that living our lives as though they are measured in teaspoons and trying to endgame everything is exhausting and frustrating and gets us nowhere. She contacted you. That is something. Maybe it was just concern for someone in the past (I've sent similar things to distant folks). Maybe it was her realzing for the first time in a while that she has some flicker of a feeling. Who knows. You probably never will.

I would just treat this text as you would a next door neighbor. If you would normally respond to a text of this nature do so. Forget that it is from her. Do it for your own sense of sanity. Then let it go. Move on. GAL. Be happy. Then you don't have to worry about whether she is offended or delighted or anything else. Just act in a "normal" fashion. Be the person you normally are. And leave the game playing up to her.

Ultimately you have to decide whether your heart is open to her or not. If it isn't, move on and don't care and don't respond. If it is or you aren't sure, be civil because not responding isn't going to move anything anywere. Just don't put your hopes into a response because you will be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 110
J
jbroken Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 110
helies,

You've made some really valid points. My heart is open to her. But, the wound she left has made it raw. Too raw at the moment. Time will tell if it is able to heal from this trauma.

I did want to respond to her today. But, I didn't. I feel the train has left the station on this one. I waited too long to decide. And now feel it would just be too awkward. I hope there will be another - not driven by some catastrophe but, because she thinks of me and really wants to know how I am doing.

On a lighter note, I got a new haircut today. I look similar to how I was just before we got married. Just a little seasoned. I feel little better. Going to go out to nice cafe for a few hours and take in some Spring air.


Me:35 W:35
M:5 T:7
NO KIDS
S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017
BD: 7th Mar 2017
GD: 6 weeks
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 54
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 54
Jbroken,helies,

I do very much feel that way also.

My H has done that same thing- questioning why I have very little friends, and essentially calling me 'boring' without really saying it. It really makes me angry that he accepted me for who I was in the beginning, so much so that he decides to marry me, then one day, I'm no longer 'the one' for him. It's like I was the new and latest toy on the market, and he was all excited and then one day I was no longer fun to play with. treated like a possession that no longer held any value to him. It's been two weeks since my H's bomb and we have had a counseling session together- which hearing some things during the session were hurtful. I guess it sent me into the angry phase and now I just feel anger and animosity. it caused me to say scr*w it and I went out last night, without him. annnndd, then I woke up sick this morning. lol ugh!!!


Me:33 H:30
M:6 T:9
NO KIDS
BD:3/14/17
ILYBNIL
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 110
J
jbroken Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 110
Sunmoon,

I hear you loud and clear.I presume you and your H are still under the same roof? If so, your DB'ing has more chances of succeeding. You hang in there.

Also, I've made a point to avoid pubs, bars and clubs during this time. In this frame of mind I prefer to stay clear of alcohol.


Me:35 W:35
M:5 T:7
NO KIDS
S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017
BD: 7th Mar 2017
GD: 6 weeks
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 110
J
jbroken Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 110
Friends,

I'm feeling bit down today. I think I'm also coming down with the flu so that doesn't really help matters.

Keep recalling about the things she was saying while she walking out - 'we would eventually get a divorce anyways', 'this is a bad marriage', 'I haven't been happy for too long', 'I'm ending this vicious cycle', 'I'm done trying', 'it's too late'. Then five minutes later, 'I love you but I don't want to be with you'. To top it off she was giving me encouragement 'you will get through this', 'you need to move on'. So painful to hear that I can't really describe in words. What possesses a person to be so cruel, so selfish, to someone she supposedly still 'loves'? I mean you are leaving your H - a person - but, you have the frame of mind to strip our home, get movers to pack things, down to our wedding pictures, anniversary presents I bought her - the man she is leaving behind. Then to ignore my messages, ignore my parents' messages, block me and my parents on Instagram. I still can't seem to get to grips with the way my W has gone about this. That too, after twelve years. What kind of person does this? It's borderline sadistic. How could she think she doing the right thing the way she is? Makes me wonder if this is the same person. Or worst, that I've never really known her.


Me:35 W:35
M:5 T:7
NO KIDS
S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017
BD: 7th Mar 2017
GD: 6 weeks
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 110
J
jbroken Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 110
Folks,

I finally made the time to order a copy of DR. I hope I can benefit from it to better my current sitch.

As I understand I could have done a lot more with it if my W had not left. But, I'm hoping I'll still get some lessons and put things in practice.

Any advice on which chapter to read through first? I should I just start from the beginning?


Me:35 W:35
M:5 T:7
NO KIDS
S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017
BD: 7th Mar 2017
GD: 6 weeks
Page 10 of 12 1 2 8 9 10 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard