TO, I don't want to overwhelm you with too many opinions and advice, so I'll keep it short this go round :-) I'm with you. I completely agree and call BS on him too. In terms of your most simple gut feeling, not overanalyzing, what do you think?
Is there OW? Is H committed to making M work? Will him seeing this C help the M?
(I'm sorry but I think you know the answers) I am different than other posters here and I take a very hard line, no BS, approach.
I have read all of your threads and everything about his words and actions are sketchy. I also think counselors can make things worse, especially when both people are not all in. This particular counselor is giving a lot of advice and telling you guys what you "need" to do, and this seems highly inappropriate to me. I personally would not make an appt for him unless I felt that he was committed to me. Also, he is making it clear that he doesn't want you there, and this is the same man who is trying to recruit your own family on his side. I trust nothing he says. He is being dishonest and selfish and you are carrying his child.
My H saw an IC who was terrible and saw him all the way through his A and his downward spiral. He was nice, supportive, and validated, so H liked him. What he didn't do was help him understand why he was making bad choices and help him predict the consequences of his choices. When H crashed and came back he said, ya know, I had to figure everything out on my own. He saw him for another year plus when we started piecing and I finally had to tell him, this guy is making things worse. He just rooted H on and didn't help him think outside of the box. Does that help a person or make it worse ultimately? He's not a friend, he's a paid professional.
So I guess this isn't so short--sorry--but I worry about all the advice you are getting. Do what feels right. What does your own gut tell you? ... It's perfectly respectable to say "right now I have a lot on my mind, I am busy with school, and I need to prepare for this baby. It's time to table this for now and focus on what's important." Then let it go.
If he wants to continue to go out late on his expensive bike, sulk on the sofa at night, and focus on his own feelings, so be it. Let him be a bug baby and you rise above that. You can carry on and focus on what really matters right now. He will see a strong woman that will be just fine without him.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
So after our conversation last night I'm not convinced of OW. Plus my checking so far everything has not revelries anything including him being where he says he is. NOW I'm not saying there isn't. But he told me to go on his Facebook and to check the cell phone bill so I can see there isn't anyone and that the only person he's consuming his life with is work. Again, could be total BS and he could be a good liar but the more I check the more there's nothing.
His behavior and words show me he's not committed. Yet he's still at the house knowing I want him out if he's not willing to make this work. That's why he continues to say he wants to go to the counselor before making a decision. I'm not sure if I believe that. I'm trying not to be negative I'm trying to be realistic though.
The C we are. Seeing is very straight forward and he's a guy. He was the C we saw for piecing and we both really liked him. He said I should make H leave when we talked because he said H is showing and telling me it's over. However, he said to hold off on that IF H is willing to come in. He told me he will not try to change H mind but if H tells him he's done he will ask him let's explore why you feel that way. So I'm not sure if C will help or not?
I guess if I'm trying to be positive or not always see negative. Things aren't worse. He hasn't been on the bike since the first weekend he said he wasn't going to come home. He skipped going out last Saturday and came to my uncles birthday party with the boys and I. He asked how my day was the other night and made conversation for the first time in 2 weeks. Again not saying this wants anything but I am trying to not be so negative about everything for my own sake.
I'm letting go this weekend. Part of me keeps thinking there's no way he can go through with separating especially right now and after everything we've gone through. But the other part of me is saying his words and actions show me the man he was 3 years ago. So I really don't know.
Tonight we're going to dinner for our sons birthday with all of my family. Saturday we have soccer all day. The afternoon came is down south about an hour away where my friend lives so I'm going to see her after the game. Im going to let H know so he can drive separately and leave after the game. Then Sunday we are spending the day with his grandparents. So I'm going to be the person only a fool would leave and just enjoy my weekend as I normally would. So he can see what he's losing.
What exactly is at risk by making the appointment for him? It costs less for sure,
your h has asked you 3 times, AND you LIKE the c.
Given this^^^, it Seems like a no brainer to me.
Do I think all will be well and the C will fix things or get your h to see straight?
No. Do I think your h is just setting this all up Just so he can announce that he is bolting?
MAYBE - but how does not making the appointment change that?
Are you afraid your h will badmouth you to the c? If so, so?
SIGH...I feel for you, I really do.
Please, Have a good weekend this weekend, T0. For this weekend, try to stay off the merry go round.
after the baby is here, and the dust settles, you'll figure things out more.
BTW are you going to nurse the baby?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Tonight we're going to dinner for our sons birthday with all of my family. Saturday we have soccer all day. The afternoon came is down south about an hour away where my friend lives so I'm going to see her after the game. Im going to let H know so he can drive separately and leave after the game. Then Sunday we are spending the day with his grandparents. So I'm going to be the person only a fool would leave and just enjoy my weekend as I normally would. So he can see what he's losing.
this^^^
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My concern for C was just that I've read here it's not good for them to go in this state and last BD when he went it was just for him to go alone to say he's done and the C helped him justify being done and filing for D.
Yes that was a different C and yes C can't change his mind. I just don't want to make things worse
So I basically just think he's using this C to be the one to do the dirty work for him. Everything we talk about he just uses that's why I'm going to counseling as his answer. He cannot make a decision on anything to my face everything and all weight is put on 'that's why I'm going to counseling'
So I basically just think he's using this C to be the one to do the dirty work for him. Everything we talk about he just uses that's why I'm going to counseling as his answer. He cannot make a decision on anything to my face everything and all weight is put on 'that's why I'm going to counseling'
You certainly know him better than I do. Maybe he's just using the counselor as a safe place to issue his "departure press release." He'd still have to attend with you. You really think your h wants to drop his bomb and never show up there again? Might he want to stay and get permission from the c, to request that? (it's just a thought.)
Or maybe not. And even if he is preparing to leave, here are my other questions:
1) Do you think the C won't probe him at all, and that there won't be any value to you in getting the C's thoughts and insights? I would think it could be useful intelligence.
Second, do you think if your h does Not go see the C, that will change his plan? (Would it really be a lot harder for your h to exit the m, without seeing this guy?) Regardless of all this^^^
I just want you to know we are all rooting for you and your baby.
I wish I could fast forward past this crap for you, but even if I could, the only way to the other side of this is through it. You'd be a year older, but emotionally still at a crossroads. And I'm so sorry about that.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Last time he went to counseling and she helped him navigate that divorce was a good choice and I just got served divorce papers without ever being told or ever going to the counselor with him.
So that's where these thoughts come from. If he wants to leave that's it. I'm done. I'm not DBing my M again. If he leaves it's it. I will not put my boys through this again.
So for me I'm trying not to push anything over the edge. But I also cannot stay living like this. We had a. Ice dinner with my whole family. He acted completely normal and he's sleeping next to me in bed right now. No kiss or I love you or anything. I just said goodnight and that was it.
I noticed him on his phone that he changed his password. He has had the same password for 13 years and I saw him type in a different one. His phone is sitting on the nightstand. I'm fighting the urge to get up and go through it right now. Especially since I saw the new password and he didn't think I did.
Just figured I would journal a little bit. My son had a great birthday dinner Friday night without whole family. As I said H slept in the room with me and we ended up sleeping together. There were no ILYs or anything. He did get upset with me because before I had sex with him I brought up if Not being intimate if he's been elsewhere for my own safety/baby.
Yesterday we had soccer all day. It was like a completely normal day. He carried everything we hung out. Talked normal in the car. We then went over one of my girlfriends house for a cookout with her family and the boys swam we ate dinner and came home late. H slept on the couch because both the boys wanted to sleep in our room. We had sex again. He kissed me and told me he loved me.
Today we're going to see his grandparents who are in town from out of state.
I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing. H asked me if I made an appointment for him last night again. I said no but that I would this week. He said he wanted to see the counselor ASAP.
If nothing else I'm glad this weekend brought some normalcy for our boys.
Anyway, I am super busy the next 2 weeks betweeen work and school clinical. Monday night I will probably stay at my moms if I get off work late because I work Monday and Tuesday and my commute is a little over an hour. Then weds-fri I am in the OB office seeing patients. Then we have soccer Saturday and I have my baby shower Sunday. I also am getting an ultrasound next week to set my induction date. My last baby was 10.5lbs a week early so I told my doctor he'll no to that again lol
am I crazy to think this was about as good as you could (reasonably) expect??
I know, I Know, he didn't lay prone at your feet and beg for forgiveness and slap his forehead to awaken. Which i'm also NOT saying you wanted, but believe me, I know LBSers who do.
It's just that both the words and the actions and gestures were there, all from him.
How did you respond to these overtures?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
