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Hey Coly,

Its not surprising that your emotions bubbled up and you had meltdown, you are living through something that no person should have to endure. Please don't beat yourself up over this, it needed to come out of you, you may not feel it was done in the greatest of ways but its happened and now its time to take a breath and regroup your thoughts so that you can start moving forwards again.

Sending you a big hug xoxo

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Hi

I would not contact him either

MLC is difficult and it is hard to keep pretending around the MLCer as to not rock the boat
We hurt and they think its all ok
We have all been there-the truth just comes out, and the MLCer is stunned because they live in a fantasy world that they have created
We are told to pretend it is ok to not upset them..In most situations it only keeps the door open..They need a long time for work through the crises

Take some time to rethink your situation to decide what your next move is
take care of yourself
make some fun plans
this may be the pain you needed to let go some more and to realize where he is
the process

I think he will contact you when he is ready and he will forget everything
maybe have a 180 planned to take care of yourself-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Coly23 Offline OP
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Hello everyone! I feel so humbled by all your kind words, I can feel the tears bubbling up whilst typing this. I feel so blessed to 'know' such kind and caring people that I wish I knew in RL.

I felt a little bit better this evening. Myself and D took some food around to one of my older a Sisters, who has four year old twins, as her husband has been away for a week. It was a lovely evening and we didn't talk about H at all which really helped to take my mind off things.

Helies, your right I often fire off a text because I convince myself it's the right thing to do and then I realise afterwards that it was foolish. Thank you for the meditation recommendation I'll certainly look into that.

Sotto, I think the reason why I am so annoyed with myself is because I know the begging, pleading and crying doesn't work so why on earth did I go there! I just feel so disappointed. I also had a really good think about what you said about H not wanting to be in a 'husbandly' relationship right now and that certainly jolted me into reality. He doesn't want me as his wife at the moment and I keep trying to remind him that that's what I am, no wonder he wants to run a mile!

Pinn, great to hear from you. Yes, I think as much as I desperately want to contact him I don't think there will be any point. I will just look weak and very desperate! I think this will be a 180 for me as I think he will expect me to text him soon as that is what I have always done.

Ciluzen, I'm sorry that you have also had similar experiences with your H. I must say that H is generally not an angry person unless pushed to the edge, however now he just flies off the handle very easily. D said that once when she was out with him he tried to buy a parking ticket but the machine wasn't working. When the guy came over to fix the machine she said H just verbally laid into this poor guy and she was shocked! We have never experienced H behave in that way for something so trivial. Yes I do need to start holding my head up high. I know I'm a good mother, daughter, sister and friend. I've got a lot going for me!

(((AP))), hugs right back at ya! Thank you for the visit.... :0)

Blu, hugs to you too! I've always been so critical of myself it's something I am trying to stop doing but it's ingrained in me so it's very hard to stop. Sometimes I can spend days worrying about whether I said or did something wrong even though I dont have any evidence to suggest there was an issue in the first place. I think that was something that my H didn't like about me, that I worried all the time.

I kept thinking that if we had him over for dinner I could keep the connection going and he might start to feel more comfortable. He is comfortable but only in so far as he gets to have family time and then go back to acting single again. Your right having these family dinners was so exhausting because like you say I had to be on my best behaviour and I couldn't be myself. He's just not the man I used to know. The softness he once had is now scratchy and cold and all this time I was trying to attract someone who at the moment really isn't capable of having any emotions.

I know you have said it to me so many times Blu, he left me and D without any reason other than he needs to be alone. Well he will get what he has asked for and he will not have family time again unless he can commit 100% back to the marriage I deserve so much more than what he is willing to give.

Job, I do feel foolish and guilty for my behaviour because I know those things don't work and just makes things worse. Unfortunately the feelings I had that evening were just so intense and so overwhelming I couldn't hold them back. I felt like I was on a steam train heading for the canyon and I had no breaks! I really do need to start listening to all of you on here and stop gong down those cheeseless tunnels. I do believe that he is in some sort of crisis because he just isn't the same person I knew a year ago. I need to stop doing and saying things that may have worked on him before but now he just isn't the same.

These last few days, even though I feel so sad, I have been trying to pick myself up, dust myself down and try and carry on as best as I can. As you say, he hasn't finished baking so whatever i do isn't going to have the desired effect so I might as well keep my distance and go dark.

LouR, meltdown is definitely the word! It's amazing how at the time it all seems so logical. If I cry and beg then surely he might have second thoughts about what he has done and come home! Nope. I just look ridiculous! You are right though, I need to accept that it has happend. I can't turn back the clock but what it did show me is that what I was doing with having him home for dinner wasn't working for me or D for that matter.

Peace, it's so hard and exhausting to be happy and cheery all the time when all I wanted to do was scream and shout at him to pull himself together and come home! When every bone in my body aches to be a normal, happily married couple again. I do wonder what he was thinking when he was coming over. Did he just see it as a meal ticket twice a week or just something to do? Surely he must have realised that I wasn't just doing it out of the goodness of my heart! Or was it just guilt that made home come over? IDK.

I won't initiate contact with him anymore. I'm not so sure he will rush to contact me though. I think he will avoid me like the plague from now on. When I went dark for seven weeks he made no attempt to contact me so I have zero expectations. I do feel really sad about it but I guess it's better than all the spinning I was doing every week before he came over and after he left. That's no life for anyone to have to live.

I do need to remind myself that I am very lucky. I have a wonderful family, supportive friends and a fabulous D who just keeps me going. He is missing out on so much with her it's such a shame but his loss.

Thank you all so much for making me see that I am human and I'm allowed to make mistakes and that what we are doing by standing for our marriage is not for the feint hearted. For now I'm picking myself up off the floor and vow to stop beating myself up about stuff!

Hugs to to you (((All)))


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Hi Coly,
many hugs to you. Don't be hard on yourself, like everyone has said. Try to not worry about when you will hear from him again. Give him space, and give yourself lots of self care and love.

A.


me 42 H 32
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Coly,

Detaching takes time. I saw this quote on another site and thought of you and all of the posters that are having a difficult time of letting go.

"Letting go is hard to do but when you keep chasing this 'connection' you think that you have, despite how much pain it causes, it disconnects you from yourself plus it cuts you off from being available for a healthier, genuinely loving relationship."

Trust me, he will call you if you stay the course and not contact him. A 180 for you will be not to contact him. He knows you so well and is counting on you contacting him and pleading and apologizing and wanting to sweep things under the rug. Please don't do that. Stay the course and remain dim.

Coly, I hope that you and your daughter will have a nice weekend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hey Altair, how are you doing?

Yes your right, I need to start fo using on myself and not whether I hear from him or if what I do or say will get him back.

We have such a busy few months coming up with D doing her final exams and getting ready to go to college. I need to concentrate on her because she needs me more right now.

This morning I had a big cry. I shut my eyes tight and prayed to God. I told him that although this isn't what I wanted for my life I accept what has happened and that I vow to live the life that he has given me as best I can for myself and my D. H is on his own journey and I have to respect that.

As for GAL. We are off to see my baby sister today as it is her birthday tomorrow but as its Mother's Day she has invited everyone over for afternoon tea today. Then tomorrow myself and D are indulging in another afternoon tea for Mother's Day. By the end of the weekend I fear I'll be as big as a house!!

Love to you all!

Ps Job, thank you so much for linking my old thread :0)


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Coly - sorry for the rough spell. That quote Job gave you is a really good one. I am further along in this mess and yet it still resonates with me.

Your h is not capable of having a healthy adult relationship right now. He can't even figure himself out so how can he possibly meet someone else's needs?

If I may offer some advice, I would recommend that you focus on the feelings that surface as you anticipate if he is going to call/come visit. What are those feelings about? What is the root of all that anxiety? Why do his comings and goings/calls impact you the way they do?

I might advise you to try other things to see how you can alleviate this anxiety. In all honesty, this seems like it is tumultuous for you and for your d? Perhaps instead of meeting him at your home, you suggest you meet him for a walk or for a quick coffee? And then try not to involve your d in all this? Or maybe you give yourself a break and say you can't meet this week? Then you can see how that feels?

We can't control/fix others but we need to look at why we react the way we do. This may include turning your focus into why you put yourself through all this anxiety. What are you getting out of these interactions/visits?

Keep posting as we are all here to support you.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Hi Coly,
I am doing as best as I can be, under the circumstances. One thing Job pointed out ages ago is the concept of time- I last saw H last week to give him a document he needed. It was a pleasant exchange. But to me, it feels like I haven't seen him in ages and ages and am anxious about the silence and impending papers but also wanting to make sure he is okay, etc
.
But to him, the depressed, trapped person, it probably feels like he just saw me three minutes ago and needs a month or two to decompress.

The frequent visits you had were probably a lot for him and not enough for you.

But, my H is leaving in a few months so there's much more of a line in the sand (I think) with his running and baking and being depressed or q/Mlcing whatever we call it, it is the unhappiness within him driving this train.

I am trying to find my own way, as you are doing too. Hang in there, and I agree with HaWho a walk or a coffee elsewhere --just less-- if you have the chance is probably best for the future, should you meet. It could be awhile.

hugs.

Last edited by job; 03/25/17 02:03 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

me 42 H 32
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M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
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Evening All. Just got back from a lovely afternoon with my family for my baby sister's birthday. We had a really lovely day.

Job, thank you so much. That quote really resonates with me. I really didn't feel like myself when he was coming over, it felt so false and just drained me every time and he knew it.

I will go dim now and remain dim unless he contacts me although I am still doubtful he will bother. The last time I went dim/dark I wobbled and contacted him after 7 weeks. I don't think it was long enough but this time I really don't think that it will help if I did contact him. Thank you Job, your words are always so comforting.

HaWho, great to hear from you. You ask a really good question about why I feel the way I do before he visits. I think it's resentment that makes me spin. I resent the fact that he is happy to come over knowing that he has no intention of wanting any relationship with me. Knowing that he will happily walk away afterwards and go back to being single even though we are legally married. It just felt so unfair and so wrong.

I think I am going to stay away from him for a while. He really brings nothing to the party at the moment so no point in inviting him. I've done the coffee invites which he happily accepted but rarely initiated so I think it is up to him now. No more pursuing!

Altair, that's a really interesting perspective about our H's and how time seems to stand still for them. You are right that H's visits were probably too much for him so I am pulling right back now. I am going to concentrate on myself and D, he can sort himself out.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend! Xx


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Coly

sorry you're here...ugh, it hurts! Accept that not reaching out to him, IS doing something

or at least not making anything worse. No texts, no calls, and I wouldn't even tell him if D is going to be home or not. Let her tell him. Just seems like pressure or an invite to me.

Anyhow, Here is an exercise for you to try, and It really helped me, so I hope you'll consider it. Ready? It's just for a few minutes...

Imagine that your h has passed away (just for a few minutes!)

So now, imagine that some amount of time had passed and you and your d had finally moved through the grief, & processed it, mourned him, and that you both had eventually, healed.

Even though you missed him now & then, imagine that you were pretty much at peace and happy.

What would you be doing? Would you have changed jobs? Gone back to school? taken a cooking class or studied something? What about travel? And hobbies?

What would you be doing, if you were happy? Please detail this as much as possible.



So, let's think about this list^^...

Which of those^^ things can you do, now?


Because ^^That is GAL for you.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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