Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[Coly23]

Previous Thread:

Not sure where I am so no title!


Thought it was time for a quick update. I wrote a long one yesterday morning but lost it and couldn't face typing it out again!

So after all my spinning last week H came over on Friday for dinner and. movie. He knew D was going out and that she xpwoukdnr be there when he turned up. He bought wine and pudding.

The evening was as good as it gets but a big awkward at times. It's hard to relax around someone when there is an underlying tone of restraint to make sure there is no sign of any hope. When H was going he gave me a kiss and a hug and that is when if all went down hill. All the spinning I was doing the previous few days spun out if control and I sobbed my heart out whilst clinging to him. I just couldn't let go.

I asked him to come home an he said no. I said it felt like BD all over again ever time he came to leave and he cried. I begged him to tell me what had gone wrong to make him fall out of live and he woukdnt engage. I said I was just at that point that I needed to know what I can do to improve who I am, if not not for the marriage but myself and again he was silent. I asked him if it was still the case that he never loved me and him not feeling 'that way' about me anymore and saying he didn't think he ever did and he doesn't remember saying any of those things. In the end he stormed out of the house and I said i couldn't do this anymore. Afterwards I was so distraught I called him a couple of times but he wouldn't pick up so I left a whiny, sobbing message about how I thought he was a coward for refusing to talk to me.

I am so ashamed that I fell apart in that way. The thought of going through weeks and months of this just sent me over the edge. I think I may have blown my chances. D has said she doesn't want him to come over anymore as it is not good for me. She also selfishly feels he is getting in the way of her social life! H stopped texting D as much when he started coming over but low and behold Monday she gets a text asking how her weekend was and if she wanted any help getting me a Mothers Day present but she hasn't responded as yet. I'm scared that he might have been making baby steps and I've blown it.

This week I have felt sad and have cried a bit but I haven't been spinning as much which is a relief after feeling so out of control all these weeks. I know I didn't do very well but where do I go from here? Should I apologise to him for making such a scene or as my title says leave if up to God and just wait for him to make first contact? I'm such an idiot!

[OwnIt]

Coly, my heart is breaking for you right now. I don't know your story at all, but it is late and I am up and others might not be. While I don't know your story, I do relate to what happened. I bet everyone on this board does. We all have regret when we are trying to project strength and moving on. We are human though and inevitably we fail. The emotions of divorce and separation are overwhelming. Until someone experiences it, they have no idea.

Personally, I would not contact him. If he is like my H that will push him further away. Wiser people will give you advice on that though.

Sounds odd that your H would come to see your D when she was not at home and would bring wine. I can see how you would think this was leading somewhere. I believe my H uses my kids to get to me. Sounds like yours might be doing the same?

I don't believe that we have just one chance to get things right. Try not to view this as ruining everything. Use it as a lesson for how not to behave the next time. I think these folks have so much shame and guilt inside that dealing with emotions in front of the people they hurt is unbearable for them. He probably just needs to process what happened.

[Coly23]

Hi Helies, thanks so much for your response especially as it is so late.

H knew D wasn't going to be home, I always warn him and leave it up to him if he still wants to come over and spend the evening with just me. He has always brought a bottle of wine on a Friday as we have or have been having dinner as a family twice a week.

I don't know if he will bother to contact me after this. I've had a few occasions after a long stretch of being strong where I have tipped over the edge and begged and pleaded for him to come home. Still after nearly a year!

I just so desperately want to put it right and drop him a text to apologise but like you say it might push him away further... D says I should be strong and not text him, after all he is the one who left so I have nothing to apologise for. IDK. What if I sent him just a little text....

ps - sorry for the spelling mistakes!!

pps - Sorry Job for not linking my previous thread, I tried but couldn't do it from my iPad... :0(

[OwnIt]

I read somewhere on this board, when in doubt, do nothing. Every time I have crossed that threshold I have been disappointed with myself. Hold off a bit and let the sage heads weigh in. Spinning can be hard. If you can't sleep listen to a guided meditation. If you have Prime they have some on there for free.

[Sotto]

Sorry to hear about this Coly - and don't beat yourself up. We all have lapses and the important thing is to learn from them and keep moving forward.

From what you post, you can see that 'crying, begging and needy' Coly just pushes him away. He can't handle being around you when you are behaving in that way - it is probably painful and adds a pressure that is tough for him to bear.

However, when you are casual and conversational etc...he is able to manage being around you. And really it's up to you as to whether that works for you.

Also notice how you want to continue pursuing him (ie: send a text) in the hope that he will reassure you. Do you need that from him, or can you offer that to yourself and leave him be?

It really is important to recognise that he probably can't offer what you want just now. He doesn't want to be in a 'husbandly' relationship at this point. That doesn't reflect on you - it is primarily about where he is at just now. You remain lovable and worthy of connection and belonging however he may feel at this point. It's important to know that and not hang your own sense of self-worth on his opinion/behaviour towards you...

I would say draw back and spend some time focusing on you and how you want to grow and blossom....leave him be for now...

Xx

[pinn]

Sorry to read about your tough night col. what a tough spot to be in and I do feel your pain. Let it be for a few days.... time to pull back for own sake and the sake of any possible new relationship with your H.

[ciluzen]

Coly, I got a lump in my throat just reading through your last post. I did the same thing early on after BD; many, many times. I also got the same reaction. Its ok. Just dig in harder with DB. I truly believe that MLCers are cycling through hidden emotional turmoil so fast at first that they are not thinking/listening much, just spewing, and will forget anything you've said or done at this time.

It was like reading about an exchange with my XH, especially when you spoke of him not remembering what he said. I have a theory there. I think when they are so down and/ or angry at how their life is at that point, they need to focus on and blame others. We are closest to them so we get the blame. We all know people like this. People who always blame others for losing a job, getting hurt, not being able to pay bills...we just don't expect it to be our S. But that's where they are.

They also say some of the cruelest things because of this anger, but also to push us away. Funny thing is, as the anger dissipates and they aren't seeing us as much, they won't remember saying those things because they really don't feel them (maybe they did when they were angry because they created them). It will get better; especially if you can create some distance and prepare yourself when you interact to just be "light and breezy" (I took that from someone else), make eye contact, and not let anything they say or do affect you (in their presence...punch the wall AFTER they leave if you must). Its hard, but don't take it personally. There is an angry, desperate alien taking over your H right now. Distance yourself emotionally; its hard, but try to make it your goal. It helps.

(((Hugs))) to you and I'm pulling for you. No expectations from him; high expectations for yourself. Remind yourself to hold your head up, be above him, smile down on him. Be the queen or at least queen-like. Feel that power that wounded people can create from the tough scars. It gets better.

[AndrewP]

Coly - just sending you a giant hug - don't know what to say

(((((Coly)))))

[BluWave]

(((Coly))) I just wrote you this long response and lost it! Gaahhh, I hate it when that happens! So I'll try again for a shorter version. First of all, giant hugs!!! It will be ok, I promise! Second, how can we get you to stop being so hard on yourself! My dear, please, please understand that your suffering is coming from inside you! You are sooo hard on yourself!

You haven't done anything wrong--ok, so you slipped up and told him how you feel. That's OK! I'm actually glad it happened. You are doing the impossible. He picked up and left you and D, broke your heart, gave you ZERO explanation, and now you have to have these dinners and be on perfect behavior. Have you really thought about what you are asking of yourself? Whoa! And FWIW I could never handle any of this.

I cracked all the time. I blew up at H 100 times. Once I texted him out of the blue "I hate you." Another time I chased him to the car, grabbed his backpack, and blocked him from leaving. Tuesdays were for "I love you, I'm your wife, how could you?" And Thursdays were more "I wish I never met you, you disgust me, never come back." Lol. So I'm exaggerating. A little bit. But you know what Coly Girl? He still came back. Not because of what I did or didn't do, but because he figured out over time in his own way what he wanted in life! Your H will too. But I care far more about what it is that YOU want. I don't think you want this.

I have no idea what your H will do. But I do know that it will not be because you got upset one evening. It's okay to lose your cool. I don't like the way he has treated you, the way he comes and goes, and I see that this sitch has really been hurting you. You're not honoring your feelings right now and I think its time to start doing that! Can you try something new now?

How about you do nothing to have an affect on him? Go dark, stay away, do not initiate any contact and do not apologize! You are only human. He doesn't deserve to see your vulnerability because he is not safe for you.

So please don't beat yourself up any more. Do the opposite; become the strong, independent, confident Coly that only a fool would leave! If he wants any kind of R with you moving forward, then it's time they are under your terms. No more awkward, superficial dinners. If he needs to man up and explain his position before spending time with you---if thats what you need--then by all means do what works for you. You deserve so much more than he can give right now.

So don't dwell on the past. It happened, and now you know this isn't working, and you do something different. You can do this!!!

XOXO
Blu

[job]

Coly,

Please don't apologize for not being able to link your threads from an IPad or cell phone. It's very difficult to do from those types of mediums.

I'm very, very sorry that things didn't turn out well and he stormed out...but I'm not at all surprised by his reaction to your asking him about returning home and/or the relationship. This is very typical of someone in crisis.

Coly, I would step back, regain my footing and put the focus on you and your daughter. Your daughter is right about one thing, the visits aren't helping you. She's a very smart young lady, so listen to her.

I wouldn't contact him, I would go dim and just wait him out. He'll disappear for a while, but I can assure you, you will hear from him again and when you do, I wouldn't address what happened unless he raises the issue w/you. He will most likely act as if nothing happened and trust me, they are very good at sweeping stuff under the rug.

Coly, in a way, it's good that this happened because you now were able to see that he's not finished baking in the MLC oven. So, leave him in there until he's baked fully. Okay?

Hugs to you and I hope you feel better soon...you did absolutely nothing wrong. We all have been down that road and experienced what you experienced. Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue walking the Yellow Brick Road...we are waiting for you and will help you along the way.